Many of you may have read the details of the recent affair my wife had on me after 16 years of marriage. We r moving toward recovery one day at a time after full disclosure of her affair to include a poly. I continue to find out more of the substance of the affair through conversation. The OM told my wife several times that he loved her. He als brought the proposition of "you leave yours i'll leave mine? Now my wife firmly says she never told this man she loved him (verfied on poly) and that she said she wasnt interested in leaving her husband...ever...just that he was meeting some emotional needs which turned sextual. I guesss the question is....how does a BS now separate the feelings she displayed..re: wantong to be withdrew OM, lie at all costs, being physical in many of the same ways we were ect...to NO she really loves me but was doing that because of the affair and he was a good listener? My wife says she'll do whatever she has to to save our marriage including futire poly, therapy, postnup agreement.....can someone have such an extensive affair and still say honestly. "I love you" to her husband???

Dear KGaa12:

I struggle with this paradox, too.

My husband tells me he never stopped loving me, even when things were very bad between us and he was having his most recent affair.

I challenge him on this, because: his ACTIONS did not show that he loved me, his WORDS did not show that he loved me and his THOUGHTS of me were not loving thoughts (most times, he simply didn't think about me at all). If there was no love in his actions, words or thoughts, to me, there was no love.

However, I believe him when he says he did not want to leave me (primarily because he could have, and didn't) and I believe him when he says he did not want the OW as a life partner. She was a mess - a drinker, a bar-goer, a single-mother, disorganized, financially irresponsible, etc., etc. - all things he would never put up with "in real life."

I met his needs of domestic and financial support, evening and weekend recreational companionship and sure-thing, low-effort sex. She met his needs of admiration, conversation, daytime, work-week recreational companionship, attractive partner and the "will she or won't she?" excitement of sexual fulfillment. He flipped a switch when he was with us - he did not think of my feelings when he was with her, and did not think of her feelings, particularly, when he was with me. (In the middle of their relationship, as things were "heating up," he took me on a surprise vacation, which majorly distressed her).

He wanted different things from both of us, and "loved" us provided we met the needs he wanted us to meet. But, he only REALLY loved himself - both relationships were about what he wanted and what he was getting.

It makes the most sense to me that there is no love for another person during an affair; the wayward spouse only "loves" him or herself.

But, sometimes a BS has enough perceived value to the wayward spouse for him or her to stay or return. If the affair ends, any love between the BS and the WS must be re-built, or in some cases (like mine), built for the first time.

No endorsement by others implied or expected; just my way of trying to make sense of this in an objective way.

BV

P.S. My husband and I compromise on the "love" issue by agreeing that he loved me in a way that he could at that time.

KGaa12,

I think the phrase, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" , sums up what your WW is saying.

That phrase is so common that posters just write ILYBINILWY.

God Bless
Gamma

I've heard so many WWs say that in such similar ways. Verified on poly with many of them.

It's what Dr H says happens. They get hooked on one paltry need and will do anything to keep the drug coming.

Right now, you shouldn't believe or trust anything. Over time her actions will speak for her.

Just compensation from your wife will help you.

Excellent radio clip on this very issue.
Radio clip on how to get over my Husband's Affair

KGaa12,

Your scenario sounds eerily close to mine and my H's. I did the same thing, had an affair and was told by the OM that he loved me. I could never quite say it back to him because I did not know how I felt.

I can say for sure that I never stopped loving my H. I think that BV and Indie both did a great job of summing up what a wayward is like. My own selfish desire and weakness took over me like a drug. I know that sounds like such a lame excuse and my H like you, can't wrap his brain around it. To be honest neither can I. I think about the person I was and it sickens me to think that it was me.

I was torn between who I really was and who the affair was making me. Again, there are NO EXCUSES for my behavior and I am truly ashamed of what I did, but I NEVER stopped loving my H. I would go to work and spend time with the OM and be in "the fog" then I would go home and feel guilt ridden and say to myself that I had to stop what I was doing. Then I would go back to work the next day and be foggy all over again.

It does not make any sense and I wish that I could give a good enough reason to justify what I did, but I can't. All I can tell you is that for a time, I loved myself and my own selfish desire more than I loved my H, my children, my marriage, my job etc..

KGaa12,

I think what Fifteenyears wrote,

I did the same thing, had an affair and was told by the OM that he loved me. I could never quite say it back to him because I did not know how I felt.

is typical of how OM operate in affairs in that, like pimps, they use the promise of love to get sex. And that very expression of premature love is what makes some WWs start to distrust the OM and question his true intentions.

God Bless
Gamma

It is so tough to think forward...my wife for 16 years never was unfaithful before and always impressed in me for the longest time hpw giving yourself emotionaly and especially physically is such a special thing that was reserved for me and the one she loved. All this was given to the OM during her affair. Not once but several times. It continued to be given to the OM even when I had basic knowledge that they had met and talked and maybe even kissed. She saw my pain and still continued with this behavior. Now that is all gone and she loves me??? I am hurt so bad that it would actually be ol if she said she developed feelings foe this OM...how can she hurt me more? Atleast now I would know who she was with...no secret. I dont't know...I gave the majority of my adult life to this woman, and yes, after reading this I've realized that I could have listened better and thoight of her needs....i'm a pretty down to earth easy going guy..but to do all this when you had such a promising future? Kids, new home, stable jobs ect....am i seeing this in thw right light oe holding on to somethkng that left a long time ago when she first fell for this clown. Just mayne realizing the facts of life...mayne i should be thinking of.....if you let it go...if it's meant to be it'll find its way back....just really confused.....

KGaa12,

If you read on here you will find that it takes 2 years minimum to recover so what you are experiencing now is completely normal.

Have you been going back in time on this website and reading some of the BH and WW threads to help give you some perspective? They really helped me back when I found MB.

God Bless
Gamma

brokenvase, this makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for this because I agree totally with you and it helps me with the healing of my own. It has always really bothered me about the words that kiss said to his ow and when I view it from your perspective (saying what he wanted to to get what he wanted rather than how he really felt)....it doesn't hurt as much. Bless you

~RQ