Okay, not all of us with miserable and/or lying and/or cheating and/or abusive X's are completely blame-free ... <p>Looking back, what did you do wrong in your marriage? What do you need to work on about yourself before you get married again? Before you date again?<p>Me ... I'm a terrible flirt. I did not realize the danger, or understand the pain it caused my X. I did not have a PA but flirting could be a form of EA ... I fantasized about other men when things were bad (another no-no) ... I was not my X's best friend ... I put time with my friends ahead of time with him ... I put work ahead of him ... I put hobbies ahead of him ... I was selfish ... I said unkind things ... I yelled ... I talked about ex-boyfriends too much ... <p>Yes he had a lot of flaws, but this thread is about YOU - about ME - what we need to think about before we move on ... it wasn't all their fault, now, was it?<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

Talk about making a person think. We were 18 & 16 when we got married (Strike One). <p>Years 1 &#8211; 3 &#8211; I was controlling (Strike Two)<p>Years 4 &#8211; 5 &#8211; I thought everything was good. I was no longer controlling. She was back in school and working. Life is great right. She had atleast an EA and more than likely a PA (Strike Three). She kicked me out and filed for divorce. The judge was a friend of my family and I got it pushed off the docket for 6 months. We went through counseling and reconciled.<p>Years 6 &#8211; 10 &#8211; Life was awesome. We settled into a small community and were living a quiet life. I was a totally dedicated husband and father, problem with that is that she felt smothered. So we talked about it and sought some sort of lives outside our marriage (Strike Four).<p>Years 11 &#8211; 12 &#8211; Still life was pretty good. We got involved in activities. I got involved with the community and the church. X choose to go back to school (Strike Five). Though school is a good thing a year and a half later her relationship with her instructor is finally coming out into the light. All the way through the divorce the only issues that X could come up with about me were items from our first three years of marriage. I&#8217;m not saying that I&#8217;m perfect in any way but after our first three years I WAS A DAMN GOOD HUSBAND. <p>I really don&#8217;t think I ever recovered trust after her first indiscretion. But in reality I do think that I&#8217;m ready for another relationship and that I&#8217;m mentally healthy. I really do have a lot to offer but I&#8217;m in no hurry.<p>As a matter of fact, just last week I asked a woman out on a date and hopefully we&#8217;ll go out next week.

Didn't realize it was just you & me here, Bill!
[img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I like how you did it chronologically. It helps me see that although I did my fair share and then some of the love busting in the early years, the majority of the marriage was spent trying to make up for what I'd done, and nothing was ever good enough ...

I've been doing alot of looking back lately, and have come up with <p>First, we were young - 20 years old when we got married and immediately both started professional school. So, we knew nothing about marriage, and then went straight into a stressful stituation with school.<p>To make matters worse, we had our first child while we were in both in law and medical school.<p>From the start we had so much stress, which we thought we were immune to - we relieved it in the wrong ways - instaead of turning to each other, we turned to others.<p>Then we kept up the stressful life - another baby, a move, building a house, another baby, building another house, changing jobs - basically it became two people living in the same house living separate lives.<p>Now I do remember a few times in there where I try to reach out - but what do you do with a husband that doesn't want to go to counseling or read any books or work on the marriage.<p>Therefore, H kept burying himself in work - with the excuse that we needed the money etc.<p>As I look back, I did try to get H to stop living for work and living for himself, and his family and his God, but he refused. I spent years trying to get him to pay attention to me - I felt like Princess Diana, but he was so insecure that any attempts to get in the way of his security - which was his job - just made him mad at me.<p>I see now that he was and is weak and never stood up for himself - allowing him to be controlled by others because of his low self-esteem. <p>I did try to break through that wall but my mistakes were that I couldn't characterize what was exactly happening at the time, so I ended up having all the wrong responses. <p>We were both ignorant of what was going on and how to fix it, although I do blame H for choosing work over me, God and Family.(I know this thread is supposed to be about me).<p>I wish I would have known to pray more for my H, that God made him stronger to resist the temptations of this world. But it almost sems too late now.<p>If I had only knew a few years ago about the books about how to change the marriage when only one partner is willing or knew about MB or anything, then we may have had a chance. But by the time I was really ready to work on the marriage, H was already having an affair. <p>What also gets me is that if H wasn't such a good liar then maybe I could have done something to fix things, but the during the whole afair he kept sending me cards that said we'd be together forever, we'd go one romantic vacations and I'd receive beautiful gifts. <p>It was one of those situations where I was "dumped" and never saw it coming, of course until now.<p>I think it's not that we've got these bad personality flaws, it's just ignorance on our part of what is going on. I now know to give MB info. to all couples getting married.<p>K

Well, I have done my inventory of personal omissions during my marriage...<p>I certainly brought my own emotional baggage to the marriage but I also brought commitment and the ability to be optimistic about the future, to let bygones be bygones.<p>I think in my case what I lacked was a good example of a healthy, caring and communicative relationship as my parents' marriage was dysfunctional (though they are still together after 41 years). The lack of a reality check or bench mark hindered my ability to know what was good, and right in a marriage.<p>Toward the end, I was so busy holding my end up (caring for the kids, managing a household) that while I sensed something was not right, I could not really put my finger on it. I also knew instinctively that I could not "change him, but I could change myself", which I did.<p>I think that ultimately I did not rock the boat enough and that I could have pressed him on issues, such as communicating. He was a classic stone waller. The more he stone walled, the more I withdrew and engaged him less in meaningful dialogue. <p>I guess I would now say that I whitewashed our inability to communicate by saying that we had matured to the point where we "picked our battles"...now I realize that he could not communicate because he had alot to hide from me.<p>Sometimes I think there really is one party who does take advantage of the other and there is really no underlying issues other than the typical issues that other couples face. Why some couples can survive infidelity and other crises and others can't is an interesting issue.

We married after only 6 months.<p>I married for the wrong reasons.<p>I married too young.<p>I never met his family until after the marriage.<p>I believed him the first 14 times he said he wasn't cheating.<p>I thought he would tell the therapist the truth.<p>I allowed him to physically, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally abuse me. Not that the abuse is ever the fault of the abused, but I should have gotten out of this marriage a long time ago.<p>I didn't listen to my mom and dad.<p>I thought I could change him.<p>I thought that if I divorced it meant I was a failure.<p>I didn't let people help me.<p>I kept thinking that I could carry the marriage with my love alone.<p>I didn't listen to the things I was saying. Meaning, had I been an impartial observer and heard the words that came out of my mouth I would have had myself committed years ago.<p>I think that I believed I could be a perfect wife to someone and that by doing the laundry and dishes, by taking care of the children, it would make him love me.<p>Elizabeth

Let's see the things that I contributed to the demise of my marriage......
I loved him wholheartedly.....
I supported him in his career, which had him traveling on a regular basis......<p>Allowed him to continue friendship with old GF...
I took care of the house the kids and everything
while he was TDY.....................
I didn't show him that I needed him..............
I was too strong.................................
I lost sight of my Husband and didn't make the
time for us that we needed..........
I ignored the signs that there might be trouble..........................................
I didn't address issues with husband, just hoped
that they would work themselves out................................
I wanted to stay married at all costs............<p>Those are the things that I can think of at this time. I am sure that there are more.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

Oooh... this is kind of painful... (KIND OF!)<p>Princess, I can most relate to you... Okay, here goes...<p>a) selfish or shall I say self-centered <p>b) not flirty, but reflected a LOT on old boyfriends (and the free life) when things were strained...<p>c) classic LBer to the max...usually when my expectations weren't being met.<p>d) My lack of identifying my emotional needs so that I COULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for communicating them to him! I didn't even know myself... and yet, I expected him to know!<p>e) I'm sure there are 100's of other things that HE could come up with... but I'm too tired now to go into all that!<p>Well, I'd like to say 'good idea' going here, but I don't really like it. BUT, that's okay (can't like everything and just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's not good to think these things through once in a while)... one positive is that I can really see how I've grown OUT of some of those ways... albeit too late to save my marriage.<p>Take care!<p>Nicole

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Unfortunately I yelled when I was stressed. I should've found another outlet.<p>She says I did not listen to her feelings. But I listened to everything else. It was the feelings that mattered. I was supposed to just listen and hug her. But she said she was unhappy most of the time so I stopped asking her.<p>I supported her a lot in her endeavors. I should've supported her in all of them. But sometimes she wanted to do things when we just didn't have the money. I should've found another way to communicate.<p>Our problems were basically communication.

Let's see.<p>1.Like OvrCs, I too was a classic LBer to the max when my needs, SF specifically, were not beign met.<p>2.Not listening to the people that knew me best regarding how different she and I were as people.<p>3.Blindly trusting her knowing that there were scavengers posing a friends of hers, just waiting to pick on the carcass of our relationship.<p>There are probably more but so far those are the ones that come to mind for the present.<p>Joe<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Changing subject line but not the topic ...<p>There is a lack of understanding of the spouse (usually the WS) who does NOT post here, and their point of view.<p>Pretend you are your WS, and post a reply here as if from them. Include nothing negative about "yourself" (the WS), but list all of the flaws in the BS (you) that "you" (WS) would see.

You all crack me up.<p>How come one of the standard lines is, "we got married too young"?<p>Trying to "justify" (for lack of a better word) with this excuse, the failure of marriage shows you have not learned much from Marriage Builders.<p>How old do you have to be to get married?<p>My point is;
It is not how old you are when you get married, but how & what you learn when you get married. To use an old phrase, "marriage is a journey, NOT a destination."<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

Perhaps "immature" was meant by "young".<p>I was immature when I got married. I am still immature, but I'm not as young!!<p> [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Good question ... I'll play.<p>1. I didn't admire my ex-H enough. I somewhat knew it was important to him, but there was no way I could fill his Admiration Pot like the groupies did. It was like filling a bottomless pit. <p>2. I eventually lost respect for my Ex (resentment of his previous betrayals, pre-MB) and demonstrated that to him in my everyday subtle interactions with him. Like Lotsva has said, a title wave can't bring down a mountain, but the constant drip drip drip can surely do the job.<p>3. There is also the fact that I put work ahead of our marriage. I worked long hours and wasn't there for him. We discussed the idea this may happen when I landed my new job, but I should have been more aware that he would say it was not a problem just so I wouldn't worry. His need for a substantial amount of time together was another important EN.<p>I still feel bad that I couldn't provide him with his most important emotional needs. I just couldn't get past his previous transgressions. My part was holding resentment and a degree of distain, which really only hurt me the most. And it contributed greatly to the demise of our marriage.<p>If I would have found MB during the first affairs, I would have hoped I could have done a better job at letting go of the hurts. <p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

These are the things I did wrong in our marriage:
1)I was immature. I hate the too young to get married thing too. My parents got married at 14 and 16 and are still very happily married at 45 and 47.<p>2)I lived my life for my parents, I was compaired to my sister growning up and shortly before I got married, my sister ticked my parents off and I jumped on the oppurtunity to be the star child, big, big, big mistake.<p>3)We moved to Florida 6 months after getting married, and the whole time all I did was miss home.<p>4)I wouldn't listen to my H when he tried talking to me about things he didn't like. Told him that was just the way I was, and if he didn't like it, either get over it or leave.<p>5)I had never been told by my family that I was beautiful or pretty, and rejected my H's touch or words of this nature. This also lead to me never dressing in a sexy fashion for my H. Jeans and T-shirts, and PJ's the second I got home was all I wore.<p>6)Hadn't discovered my sexual freedom, that it's ok to have sex. I had only heard the word sex one time in a lifetime from my family. Mother had been molested by her father and that was an untalked about subject in our house. I was brought up with the thoughts that sex is bad, and sinful. I also think I was brought up too southern, you know, "Why Rhett, don't you know a woman is to never say words like that, it's just wrong I tell you, wrong!" I wouldn't initiate sex. I've had my Fried Green Tomatoes moment already in repeating out loud male and female sexual body parts over and over! (if your truly southern, you'll know what I mean!)
7)Thought I had to live to the standard set by society and my mother ~ had to have a nice house, nice car, and all the "fixin's" to go with it. My H felt as if he could never give or do anything good enough for me. I have found true happiness now in having next to nothing.<p>8)Let my parents control my life, wouldn't stand up and defend my H when they knocked him. They would call up and invite only me to dinner and not him. This always brought about a big fight.<p>9)Couldn't cut loose and have fun. Tried modeling my marriage after what I saw growing up, which is fine for my parents, but is not what I want to do.<p>10)Never told my H how much I appreciated all that he did for me.<p>So now, I can't stand to be around my parents for more than 30 minutes because every time I'm with them I see little things that I did that has lead to this. I figured out all of these things about 1 month after this all started, so I have been dealing with these issues and the issues between my H and I all at the same time. Not that I am trying to blame someone for all of this, but all of the my actions that lead up to this, I now see in my parents. When my H and I first met I was still the black sheep of the family, when my sister became that, I jumped really hard at becoming the star child, unfortunately, I walked all over my husband in seeking their approval. Well, 7 years later, and seperated from my H, I still haven't gotten it (thier approvel), so I say $*&% them, I'm doing nothing but for myself the and one I love now, and have even told them this. Luckily my H has even commented on how much I've changed, and likes the changes.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Interesting topic. I think I am finally at a place where I can think about this logically instead of defensively, and instead of starting it with "But HE...."<p>*I didn't listen to him about an issue he had with me. He grew up with a mother who cleaned the house an average of 5 hours a day, and was used to not just clean, but SPARKLING clean. I cleaned, but not like he was used to, and I DEFINITELY could've put more effort into it. But we had this great equal partner marriage, in my mind, so he should help too, and why should I do it all if I was happy with moderately clean instead of sparkling? He says it is because of this that he was unhappy and had numerous affairs. Could my house have been cleaner? Yes! Was it awful? No. But that is my biggest regret - that I didn't realize how important it was to him, and how embarrassed he was that I wasn't his mother when it came to cleaning, and that I didn't give my best effort. <p>*I congratulated myself a lot about being such a great, non-nagging wife. I encouraged him to spend time with his friendsm which often meant putting his needs before his family's. He did this happily. I never liked but always accepted his way more than necessary hours put in at his job. If I had called him on it, maybe that would've prevented the first affair? <p>*I didn't even comprehend that cheating/divorce was an option. For me, it was never a choice, so I didn't get it. There were so many clues that I should've seen, but just didn't. I had a Pollyanna outlook about our marriage, and feel like such a fool now. <p>*When I finally knew that things were not good, I didn't feel like anything I could say or do would fix it, so I just hoped it would get better. I remember thinking to myself, "If I feel this way, I wonder how in the world he is feeling about it." I brought it up once, and he blew it off, so I thought it was just my imagination. <p>*I would've gotten past my issue with initiating sex. Like someone else mentioned, I grew up in a very strict home, and I just never was quite able to initiate it. He knew how much I enjoyed it, but I just thought he should accept that it was hard for me to initiate. <p>*On hindsight, I never should've married him. We weren't "equally yoked" religiously, and this became quite apparent as I turned more to God and he turned farther away. I wish I had asked more for God's will instead of mine when I got engaged.<p>So there are my regrets, the things I wish I'd done differently, the things he would say caused him to stop loving me.<p>Krista

PB,<p>Good topic. I can be way to stubborn. I should have listened to his point, even though I thought he was going into his next tangent. I should have set boundaries from the start. "I was too young to choose a good husband." I was so young that certain things that mattered then don't matter now, and certain things that matter now should have mattered then too. I ignored warning signs...the anger, the drinking problems, etc. and married him any way. I just can't see doing that now, but time will tell.<p>Good topic PB.<p>Chris,<p>I think it's curious that instead of coming on this thread and saying "your wrongs", which is the intent of the post, you come on just to criticize someone else's post.......just something for you to think about.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

I'll play too.<p>1. Was too dependent on H for source of my happiness and self-worth.
2. Believed in him TOO much. I loved him the way he was, but thought I was doing the right thing by believing in his potential to become even better. This - unfortunately - came across as high expectations, and never being satisfied. (EN=admiration)
3. My reactions were too emotional (hurt, criticism, anger, disapproval, etc) to anything he said that I didn't understand or agree with.
4. My cooking and cleaning (EN=domestic support) needed much improvement (although I work full-time).<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] There's some of my "confessions".<p>Learning and moving forward.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 23, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>