Post deleted by Mywifeilove

Mywife,

I'm glad to see you post over on this board since your situation is very, very similar to mine. Your WW has even offered almost the exact same settlement to you as mine has with me.

If you want your M, don't accept this and keep giving the same message to your WW.

Use Mortarman's line when she brings up seperation or divorce...

"I am not going to talk about that. If you want to talk about our marriage, then I am here. If you want to talk about divorce, then call my attorney." I do marriage, my attorney does divorce.

Keep on that message since she wants an easy way out.

Don't give up. Your kids need you more than ever!

Are you journaling????

You should be fighting for full or nearly full custody and keeping your children away from OM and WW/OM inappropriate behavior. By fighting for full custody you get to deliver loud and clear the message that this is wrong.

If she wants to move out then so be it. You can not physically stop her but if she does it is without your approval and she is abandoning her family/children.

You are not attempting to utilize children as a weapon rather as a magnet. If and when you win custody then she will more than likely see her behavior for what it is and come home. Her relationship with OM will disintegrate much faster if you put up a battle for what's right, especially if you win.

Read Gramn's thread. I know it's long but Mortarman does a great job of outlining what a BH has to do to win custody. Just browse it for Mortarman's posts if you want. In fact, MM just yesterday or the day before summarized his whole story on a thread. Search his name for the thread location as I forget which one.

If you are not prepared to fight now (no journal, ect.) at least attempt to set up temporary custody as he did. 4 days her-4 days you. That way the days rotate and she is not the "default" custodial parent. Then over the next few months you never shrug your 4 day responsibilities and she will likely continual shrug hers. You'll go to Plan B and be like a black hole (except involving emergencies with the children). Then you can fight for primary custody later in the battle as you demonstrate yourself as the responsible parent.

Have you bought a Voice Activated Digital recorder from Radio Shack. I think I saw some for $40 or $50 the other day. She has not left yet and you can confirm your suspicions that she is still in contact and not really just wanting her "space" (She likely does not need "space" as she is from outerspace (i.e.-another alien WW)).

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks TW and HTW. My mother is keeping a journal, I speak to her daily. Tonight, I told my WW that I had changed my mind about agreeing to the terms of the LS that we had discussed. I told her I would sign nothing! I told her this was not to punish her, but that I had made the decision that she was the only one in the family that wanted out of the house, not the kids. And that the kids would be better off home. She spewed venom like never before and said, "fine, I'll just file for D on grounds of mental cruelty" I said that "that would be a lie" And she said she'd come up with something. She proceeded to pack her bags and leave, with DD6 crying uncontrollably. WW barely acknoledged her. And she didn't even seek out my DS3 to say goodbye. All of this is documented, and my words to her were wrapped with strength and respect. Of course that didn't matter.

WOW,

I've got to tuck in my 6 year old but I'll be back in a few.

If she argues with you about you changing your mind on the prior agreement your line is...

"the only thing worse than making a bad agreement is keeping a bad agreement"

Mr. Wondering

This sounds like she is having contact with the OM. I would let her know that if anyone moves, it will be her, and the children and you will stay in the home.

MY,

I think you may want to eventually get your mom's journal and rewrite the entries in your own journal (in your own handwriting...not typed up as typed words can be revised later and will not be looked at as reliable). Do not copy Mom's just rely on the dates and use your best recollection. In a divorce/custody dispute you will be testifying and relaying the events leading up to the divorce/custody dispute and you can utilize your journal to refresh your memory. Your journal will then be admissable for the judge and all to see. You will not be able to read nor admit your mother's journal. Of course she could testify on your behalf and use her journal but I do not think having Mom testify to such will carry as much weight and it probably will not be admissable as it is all hearsay.

If she walked out tonight you will really be sitting in the driver's seat. You must be careful that she does not trump up charges of abuse or something. The recorder I recommended earlier should be utilized to catch all communications between the two of you so you can protect yourself from false charges. Though you journal what she said tonight it is not likely that she will ever admit to her words. You need it on tape. Never reveal these tapes as they may be sprung on her by your attorney to catch her in lies at the depositions or in court. Let your attorney handle the case.

You sound as though you've read enough here to have a little bit of a handle on things. I know things look desparate now but you will make it...with or without your wife...you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Believer...I think she's already gone. MY...do you know where she has gone? Has she provided a number? Did she indicate she is coming back and if so, when???

MY do you already have an attorney? If so, can you call him on Saturday and find out if you can change the locks? I know she can break in cause it's legally her residence as well but you journal the fear and anghnst she brings to the home and you changed the locks to protect the kids after she "walked" out. She may then get the cops involved and behave like a lunatic in front of them. You stay calm.

I know this sounds harsh but your wife needs to hit rock bottom. I suggest the consequences start to become apparent immediately. I have no patience for her if she is walking out on a 6 year old crying.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering

Yep, she may be gone for the night, but she'll be back. I have no doubt of that. Then she will say she was just sooooooo upset, and needed spaaaaaace.

I would have someone drive by the OM's house and get a picture of her car there.

BTW,

All is not lost...as long as one of you remains fighting for your marriage it remains savable.

I agree with Believer...she is likely still in contact with OM. There is no way she walks out on her kids without being deep in the fog. To go from negotiating "space" to walking out is a big leap. I think it likely she was manipulating you into giving her the freedom to see OM ostensibly in secret while maintaining appearances of attempting to find herself. Now that you have put the kabosh on that she will just take the more direct approach and walk out...spewing venom as you said...to try to sell you that it is your fault. Don't buy it. Stay strong. You will not be able to work on your marriage until you bust up this affair. Plan B if she stays gone may be in order. How long have you been in Plan A?????

My wife felt like I was trapping her by indicating that I would not give her custody. She wanted to take my daughter from Michigan to Georgia (OM lived in her hometown outside Atlanta) and me to have the summers with her back in Michigan. Wrong. When she realized I did not have to and would not give her any custody outside Michigan she spewed venom and threatened to stay married but in a completely loveless emotionally void marriage. It was then I drew my first boundary. I committed to her and myself that I refused to be in a loveless marriage.

That was just one bad night just after D-Day. We are recovered now.

BTW, I am a tax attorney (not a divorce attorney)so some of the legal stuff I do know.

Mr. Wondering

MY, I'm glad you changed your stance and have chosen to fight for your M and family. You will get excellent support here from these fine people. BTW, MM's post that The Wonderings were refering to is on my thread (I think on page 61). MM summarizes his fight and it is an incredible story. I can't believe he fought for his family like he did...and WON!

You can do it to so don't give in to your WW, she is in the fog big time.

Make sure you document everything and you have a fighting chance now that she has abondoned the family.

She was probably looking for an excuse to leave just like Dr. Harley writes in his book SAA. They all go by the same script...how predictable. Learn it and use it to your advantage.

We're here with you.

YES...you need to get that documented if you can. Who can watch the kids???? Your mom??? Can you take the kids for a ride????. Take the video camera and todays newspaper so you can prove it was tonight you filmed this and not some other night. Again, do not allow her to find or know you documented it. If you have to confront her just act like you were bluffing to see if she would admit it.

Also, if her car is not there try calling your credit card company and looking up the most recent charges tonight. You may discover what hotel she's at if you think that is a possibility.

BTW, have you cancelled joint credit cards and separated joint bank accounts? You should be insuring your families financial future and protecting the children from mom wiping you guys out. Just a thought.

Mr. Wondering
---sorry I'm kinda all over the place tonight...hope you're following my posts.

Hope -

FYI, referring to thread page number is not as good as referring to dates because you can change the number of posts per page in your preferences which automatically changes the amount of pages in any thread.

BTW - if you change your preference to say 50 posts per page you'll have to do a whole lot less page flipping in the future and load times really do not change much.

Mr. W

I'm here!! Thanks! It feels so good to stand up for me, my kids, and in some way, my W.

I'll post more in a few minutes.

I have transferred half of our joint account into my own account. I put a hold on our home equity line. Our joint credit card is going to be put on hold tomorrow. If she questions these, I will state that I can protect myself and my family and still care for you. I've been doing it my whole life with her!!!! (Under happier circumstances!) Maybe this is the first time in a long time (since Plan A has been going on for 3 months) that I stood up strong to something I knew would throw her for a loop. Contact is almost assured. She went to her sister's house last week for a night with DD6. When WW got home she set her overnight bag down and I went to go empty it and found a lacey pair of underwear in there! She went and took a shower, and went into the bedroom, closed the door to get dressed (as she has for the last 2 months) In the bathroom were the clothes she wore home from her sisters. Another pair of lacey underwear!!! And they reeked with love juices!! (Sorry!) I grabbed those pair and have them in my possession. So she used the DD6 to go to sister's house and then snuck out at night to OM only half mile away. It is something she admitted to doing on D day.

I'm reading this and wondering do I want this woman? But she was SO MUCH different just 5.5 short months ago. Loving and trustworthy. One kiss out with girlfriends and BAM! the brain chemistry forever changes!!!

Hope you are staying calm. It does no good to go berzerko. They cold way she left tells me that she is meeting OM.

But you have the upper hand, now that she packed and left. You will hear from her, probably tomorrow. She'll have some story cooked up. I would let her know that she needs to find somewhere else to live while she is carrying on with lover boy.

Way to difficult a question to be asking yourself right now. You will have to evaluate that question someday but you are way to emotional to consider it today. If you are going to decide to leave this marriage you too must earn your way out. Stick with MB, Plan A and Plan B. The whole process is set up for you the BS to survive with or without your wife at the end. Trust the process.

Have you exposed??? I am going to go back and read your prior threads then turn in. I will be around tomorrow. Try to get some sleep. You did your best today. Sounds like you will have your hands full with 2 little ones. Get some help if you can.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks! Her whole family is exposed, my family is exposed. Many friends have been exposed, but she has "turned" them into her corner. OM is single, disabled, gambles, drinks, has no job, cheated on his wife, and has a bad relationship with his two teenage daughters (all this told to me on D day by WW and confirmed by her sister. He kissed her at a bar, where W was with some out of town girlfriends for a "night out". I stayed home and watched the kids. My W has recently lost 35 pounds, and we did lose the "emotion connection" that comes with raising 2 childern and having 2 jobs. But we were happy! She doesn't think so, and says that our M was so damaged, and she is just now realizing it! (PUKE!)

I have a good job, I'm good looking, don't drink, come home happy every night from work, and have no enimies. (well, except for that thing residing in my W)

I'll update in the morning. My kids are sleeping peacefully, so I'm at peace. An erie sense of calm has come over me tonight. It's been a long time since I've felt anything other than EVERYTHING!!

Good Night all, and thank-you!!

Bump, please!!!

MY,

I am glad you made it over to GQII. You’ll get some great advice from this forum. As you may have noticed Mr. Wondering and Believer are extremely good at this. Others will chime him soon, I hope.

I am proud of your strong stance yesterday. Developing a backbone is one of the traits that will help you deal with this whether your M survives or not. I have eleven points to make. It may be information overload at this point, but you can always come back and reread my post if you need to in the future.

1. As Mr. wondering said, REWRITE the JOURNAL in your words. In case you go to court, you will have to appear credible and you want to make sure that the court believes that you are indeed the one who wrote this journal.

2. See an ATTORNEY ASAP. You want to know what your legal options are, what you need to do to get custody of your children, and how you can protect yourself from your WW. If you can keep her out now legally, assuming she is really he*l bent on leaving anyway, that would be great. For if you separate during the holidays and you are in Plan B, this would give her a bitter taste of what life would be like without the family.

3. Once you separate, DO NOT SUPPORT HER in any way. Let her take care of herself financially and otherwise. It will be important to let her know that her actions have consequences.

4. Do not DISCUSS legal separation or divorce with her. Become a broken record: let her know that you are only willing to discuss how the marriage can be saved. If she wants to discuss LS or D, she can contact your attorney once you get one.

5. You need to get some more Intel on her and OM. Hire a PI, do it yourself or have some friends help you get the goods on them. You will need some hard evidence if you end up going to court. And since right now this is war, you need to do every in your power to use all the ammunitions at your disposal. Credible evidence is one of them.

6. Get ready for Plan B. The way things are going now, you may have to go to Plan B soon. Get a Plan B letter ready and summon the resolve to follow through it should you have to go into it. Check Gramm’s thread, there is a good Plan B letter originally written by Graycloud that may be of help to you.

7. Talking about Gramm, I think you should check out his thread. A lot can be learned from it. Also checkout Dazedandconfused’s thread. The latter will teach you what not to do.

8. Contact Steve Harley if you can afford it. Given the precarious situation in your M, getting expert advice from here would be very useful. Believe me; he would be cheaper than a divorce. Moreover, you want to be able to say at the end, that you did everything you can to save the M, to protect yourself and your children.

9. Keep the under wears in a safe place in case you have to use for court. There are centers you can send it for DNA testing.

10. Do not believe ANYTHING your WW says and only HALF of what you see. She is not credible at all right now, so don’t to hang on to her every word or try to parse the meanings of her utterances. Assume whatever she says is nonsense. Watch her actions, not her words. Also avoid trying to reason with her right now. She simply is not reasonable at this point.

11. Lastly, be aware that she does not give a damn about you right now. Everything is about her, her, her! I know it is hard to swallow but these are the facts. Don’t fight them, just accept them. And plan accordingly.

For now, that is all. Keep up the good fight.