I have so much to write, but to be honest I am exhausted and don't know where to begin. This is the short version.

I found out my wife has been having an affair approximately one week ago. I gathered much intel and exposed the affair to her family. Tonight they all confronted her and got the truth.

According to script, she called and said she wanted a divorce because she was unhappy before the affair. I told her that I unconditionally loved her, but that it takes two to work it out. So it looks like I am in plan B.

Here is where it gets crazy...there were actually 2 affairs. One was a patient of hers and was ongoing. The second was a "friendship" with a co-worker that went too far. The co-worker thing supposedly stopped being physical in July 2008 after 2 encounters. I found this all out today thanks to keystroke logger.

Since both affairs were work-related, should I inform HR and co-workers? Or, since she wants a divorce should I just move on?? I don't know if anything I do will make a difference. But she sounds like she is following a script.

BTW, Dr. Harley's book will be here by Tuesday....

Hmmm...



Aha!

According to the wayward script, this response would indicate that the A is on-going. Exposure may have pushed it deeper underground.

Exposure is one of the first things that SAA says to do, to put pressure on the fantasy.

I am wondering about the A with a patient. In my state that would be a violation of professional ethics for a medical professional or a mental health professional (counselor). It would be pretty messy: investigations and hearings before a conduct board, possible suspension or loss of certification or license...stuff like that.

That's my take. If I were you, I'd wait for a few of the vets to chime in and read the book. After that, you should have a good game plan.

If she is a Doctor of some type....she could lose her license if you can prove it beyond hearsay!!!

You should inform HR, whether or not you wish to recover your M with her. Let the chips fall where they may.

She wants a D now because of how she is feeling. This is understandable. Her feelings may change, depending on how well you do a Plan A / Plan B. Question is - what do YOU want? How long have you been M'd? Any children involved?

Exposure check list for Dr Scott

WW's parents and siblings

OMW1

OMW2

Human Resources

Hope you get this done today. If you do not want to divorce then there is no reason you have to be a doormat an accept what WW wants.

Whether you want to divorce or not the OMW's need the truth. Deserve the truth.

HR? Absolutely. All cards face up on the table. Let the chips fall where they may. Then divorce her. You deserve to love and be loved by one person. Whatever happens to her happens to her.

Ok, here is the full story now that I have had some fitful sleep. The wife and I were married in April 2006. Shortly after marriage, she began nurse practitioner school. She was valedictorian and spent a lot of time studying. Meanwhile, I paid the bills, did ALL of the housework and sacrificed lots of time with her.

Affair #1 began with a patient in her clinical rotations in May 2008. It became sexual in October 2008. Unfortunately, I don’t have concrete proof on this one.

Affair #2 was with a co-worker who had been a “close friend” for a long time. They had sex 2 or 3 times in July and decided to become “just friends” again. I have concrete proof on this one.

I found out because I had been suspicious and began investigating her phone records. She admitted to affair #1. But there were very few phone calls to him, most were to #2. But she told me that #2’s phone number was #1’s. I had no idea until yesterday when I intercepted e-mails between her and #2 that included plane tickets and hotel reservations to Vegas. Also, plans to deceive me about phone #’s etc.

I had told her family when I found out about #1 last week. Last night I forwarded the e-mails and the whole family confronted her, as she had left our house to stay with her family. She called late last night, admitted to whole truth, sounded sorry. Said there was no way she could ever make up for it. She wants a divorce, loves me, not IN love with me. Has not been happy since before the affair.

I have decided to go to both employers, as #1 went to her new job as a nurse practitioner as a patient. I ran a background check on him. He has a criminal record that includes a restraining order and destruction of property. She was also using that companies phone and e-mail to communicate with both.

The other employer was where #2 and WW still work, I will give them the concrete proof. When talking with the employers are there any hints?

OM #1 and #2 are not married, although #2 has a girlfriend. I do not know how to get into contact with her.

Also, I don’t know how to process this?? I am in shock and devastated. I want my loving wife back, but is recovery even possible?

BTW, keystroke logging is awesome.

Oh, BTW, there are no children involved. I waited until I was 35 to get married. My parents drilled into me you only get married once for life. Never lived with a girl prior to marriage either.

My wife's father died when she was 3, her mother re-married about 8 years later.

DrS-

Im very sorry you find yourself here.

Is recovery possible? It is, IF you want to recover. Its very hard but likely that you will carry the pain and baggage of your W's selfish choices regardless if you are married or not.

If you DO want to recover though, in my opinion - youve got a narrow window to do so.

First, you must EXPOSE. Find the OM's girlfriend - hire a PI, use internet resources. Do not tip our W off that you are going to contact her. Expose to HR to your W's workplace. The bottom needs to fall out and this A WILL continue until it does. Exposure bursts the fantasy bubble pretty quickly.

Id also suggest moving this thread to the GQII forum, it gets much more traffic over there.

I just sent a detailed e-mail with attachments to her immediate supervisor where she was using company phone and e-mail to have A. I followed that up with a sit-down with head of human resources. Gave all pertinent info + e-mail attachments.

HR director wanted to know what I wanted to get out of this. I replied "Nothing, nor do I expect you to take any action. This is for your info only. Do with it what you will, and you will not hear from me again. I am doing this only to shed light on a secret that has affected your company as well as me."

Poop has already started hitting the fan...WS has left text messages saying she could not believe I would do this and now she is madder at me.

I have a call in with the HR director of the hospital where her and #2 work, no contact with her yet.

Good work on the exposure. It is just like what happens with alcoholics and addicts when they start to feel consequences. They rage and "cannot believe you'd do this". See how her thinking is. She cannot face that she caused ALL of this.
You are married to a deeply disturbed woman, a serial chaeter who has high risk affairs.

I just got off of the phone with the hospital HR director. She empathized with me, but would not look at any e-mail evidence as there are no policies against dating co-workers. However; she is going to notify their supervisor and have a sit-down with them to ensure that their affair does not compromise patient care in any way.

But, they arent "dating". They are having an extramarital affair on COMPANY TIME using COMPANY resources. Surely, they have a policy against that. Id go over her head. Im sure that patients would like to know that they are kept waiting because the parties concerned are off in some broom closet getting a little strange.

Your W will be mad. She will spout all kinds of venom. She will likely say that she *had been* considering working it out with you but now you've gone and done this, etc.. etc... Dont listen to a thing she says.

Simply tell her that these are consequences of HER choices.

drscott is not a doormat! It's good to see her get slammed. "I love you, but I am not in love with you."

As justkim said their not dating their having an affair. Time to go over Head of HR and report their affair not their dating to the Hospital CEO.

Thanks guys...I am a little drained from today, but I am going to keep pushing. I am about to send some e-mails to her co-workers, get the gossip mill going.

I have also been researching the nursing practice and ethics standards for when I go over that HR directors head.

When I got in to see the head of HR at the other job, which is actually a large hospital with satellite offices...I walked into corporate HQ and asked to see the head of HR. The receptionist asked me what for and I said regarding unprofessional conduct of one your providers. The head honcho finally came down and met me in the lobby. I asked her to go somewhere private and she refused...so I laid it out right there in front of everyone. When I hit the part about the guy with the criminal record hanging out at their clinic and possibly being a patient, she stopped me and said let's go to my office. Went up, gave her names, b-days and phone #'s of #1 and #2 in addition to copies of incriminating e-mails taken from their server. She took notes and I advised her to compare phone records to the two #'s I gave her.

It is about to get uncomfortable for WS I think.

Really nice work, really.

Ok, here is the text of the message sent to the ethics dept. of the corporation that owns the hospital where #2 works.

To Whom it May Concern:

I recently became aware that my wife (xxx xxx) has been having an adulterous affair at work with xxx xxx, R.N. (xxx xxx Hospital) I have undeniable evidence in the form of e-mails and phone records. Many of these calls were placed to/from xxx xxx hospital. I have one e-mail which mentions them trying to work the same shift. I will gladly provide these records if requested.

I contacted the head of H.R. at xxx xxx today. She was empathetic, however; she was reluctant to see any evidence as there is no company policy prohibiting dating in the workplace. My disagreement with this stems from adultery being radically different than "dating". Furthermore; my wife admitted to me and her family that sex was involved. There were no overnight visits or large gaps of unaccounted for time during this adulterous affair. I have reviewed the XXXXX Board of Nursing's policy on sexual misconduct between co-workers, and it is clear that any taking place within a hospital setting could negatively affect patient care. While I have no proof that sex occurred during work hours, I strongly feel that this should at the very least be investigated by xxxx Corp.

Respectfully,

Scott xxx
xxx-xxx-xxxx

You are the man. She should lose it all. Marriage, job, respect. If this happened more often maybe people would work on their marriage before cheating.

Thank you...and thanks to everyone on this site for compiling so much useful info and all of the support.

I have been thinking about this all day (duhh). And while I have no idea about the future of my marriage I truly feel that by following the Marriage Builders exposure policy, I could be helping unseen marriages down the road. I have been involving everyone I can think of, and doing so unabashedly. Maybe that could keep someone from crossing the line??

I have also been very careful to be respectful of my wife and open about the fact that I love her. Hate and resentment are too heavy and I don't want to carry them around. I feel this approach puts more focus on their behavior as opposed to my hurt feelings.

As far as my wife...I still don't know how to even process all of this. 2 affairs at once?? She has become a stranger to me.

She gets off work soon. I bet I will be getting a call..should I take it?? Any tips on how I should handle it??

Earlier today I told her that everything I have done was out of love, not spite or malice, and that one day she would understand. Was that OK?? I also told her that my boundary was no contact whatsoever with me while there was contact with #1 or #2. Does this mean not to answer any calls??