Melissa, did you communicate any of this to your husband?

That may seem like a no-brainer question. But for those who have followed my story, you probably know that I have difficulty being open and honesty with my husband about things which would fall under the "criticism" category. He doesn't take criticism well, and to be fair, I don't GIVE criticism well. And there's no way I'm going to try to have a convesation about, of all things, SEX, when we can't even do criticism over small things yet.

And luckily, my husband will not continue to hurt me if sex hurts. He's not happy about it though. I don't think he is intentionally trying to make me feel inadequate for needing to stop, but that is how it feels. And I have some medical things which contribute to this, plus the fact that arousal is really hard for me with him and I don't know how to "teach" him.

But I do know in theory that at some point I am going to have to start communicating my complaints about sex if it is ever going to get better.

I did talk to my ex about it. He didn't seem to care. Somehow it always became my fault that it wasn't working. When I would tell him that the SF was painful for me and I asked him to please do something differently or wait or if we could just hold each other and lay together he always got huffy or angry or would just turn his back to me. I wasn't trying to reject him. Often when it wasn't physically possible for me I would try to satisfy him in other ways. Eventually it got to the point that often he would simply as for the "other ways" so he didn't have to put in any work and still got what he wanted.

I explained to him that I felt like I was "servicing" him and there was no connection...that I was just somebody to "get him off"...sorry if I'm being too blunt.

Obviously things didn't work out as he is now my EX.

I have found a wonderful relationship with an amazing man. But so many of the fears and emotional scars remain from my previous relationship that sometimes it causes issues in my new relationship.

I think it was an EN for him, he was just poor in projecting it. I am sorry this was the case.

I was the refused spouse for years and it totally spilled over to other areas of every waking minute. If it was not for having kids, I truly would have split. My W has awakened.

Melissa,

I would rather have a house in shambles and the brink of starving and have sex, but my W had to have everything in align before sex would happen. She is finally getting it, but must say it's on the verge of too little too late.

Oh, and I always did and always do make sure she is aroused and she Os first unless she would tell me or does tell me she just wants to be with me... that is getting rarer and rarer... she looks forward to Os more than she use to. As the saying goes and my philosophy with sex... she comes first. (no pun intended)

I feel for you. I've been there too. Luckily I didn't marry them

just an aside: there are other ways to have sex that don't hurt that are perfectly biblical and not just for the husband.....but this necessitates the husband putting in effort to satisfy the wife.

Melissa, I'm going to throw something at you that I hope helps you understand how your XH failed. From what I understand of Dr. harley's philosophy, it is important (even necessary) to meet our spouse's needs -- including SF. I found this from a Q&A article here interesting http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html The bulk of the article is about sexual aversion (not sure you'd be interested), but part of it addresses this issue towards any EN.

It seems to me that part of your XH's shortsightedness was being too selfish to help his spouse gain some pleasure/enjoyment from her efforts to meet what could have been one of his most important EN's. One way I found to express this a few weeks ago: As you move on to greener pastures, keep in mind that it is necessary to meet our spouses most important EN's. In the process, we may need to put some effort into protecting our ability to meet those needs.

I think this is a very important subject that I am taking seriously. But how do you accomplish this when basically you have a thoughtless husband ?

Must be hormones or something today ????

Long story short I was scheduling vcay time coming up, today @ work & I felt myself getting angry & resentfull @ H for letting his job/family interefere with our vacay's for several years now.

So I talked to him about it at lunch today .... nothing was resolved.

Felt like I was giving him a hard time so I texted him & apologised. No response ..... Well that didn't sit well with me. As the day went on it got crummier.

Was just not in a socialising mood after work went home & texted him that I was not in a good mood didn't want to talk on phone & was not going to the bowling alley tonight or meet friend for pedicures. That we had planned.

Asked why for the mood I said not feeling well & few other ailments explained if he said the wrong thing I would start crying & cause a fight between us. That he does not have the patience to deal with me when I am like this.

Havent heard a word from him. No hope you feel better, no hope you will change your mind NOTHING !

Not that it would happen tonight anyway but why should I feel like fullfilling his needs when I can't even get hope you feel better?

Any suggestions for handling this ? Or a better way I could deal with this ?

I am sorry another woman is crying over a stupid man!

Melissa, I am mostly a lurker too. I read your story and started to cry as it could be mine. I do a lousy job of meeting my husbands need for SF, a really lousy job. When I do manage I spend the next day in a fog, wishing I could just die. It never leaves me feeling loved or satisfied, just used. My husband watches a lot of porn and it always feels like he is using me to play out his latest download.

I also went through a period where sex was extremely painful and when I told my husband how badly it hurt me, I was told to suck it up. I did that time, but the next time when he came to me I just couldn't do it. We then got into this anger/rejection cycle that so far has not been broken, and it has been many years. For me, sex destroys me emotionally and leaves me feeling absolutely empty. But somehow, my husband still seems to think it's ok and even enjoys it. He will go through the motions of trying to bring pleasure to me but I don't want it. Sexual pleasure is not what I need, it is not an EN for me, nor a physical need. I do believe that if I was in a loving relationship that I might be able to respond to sex in an emotional way but this is not the case. I am absolutely clear that I have wounded my husband to the core by rejecting him sexually. But as a woman, I am an emotional being. Sex is emotional before physical and with no emotional connection in my relationship, I end up feeling like nothing more than a depository for him.

More than anything I want a loving relationship. I can't make this happen by just having sex with my husband, I have tried. There is no doubt he is happier but nothing changes for me and my emotional well being dies a little bit with each sexual act. I have tried to tell him what I need but it makes no difference. Very recently I asked him to work on our marriage using MB principles, he flat out refused. I have worked very hard to remove my LBs and I think I have removed many. My greatest LB to him, after sexual rejection, was trying to get him to spend more time with his family and me. He engages in a lot of IB. I now just let him do exactly what he wants and he is happy (except he wants more sex and I am trying to do that). When he goes out with buddies after work, and comes home over two hours later than he said, I just smile and ask him if he had a good time. This coming summer he has planned six weeks of vacation, either on his own or with buddies. No plans to do anything with his family.

Hard to feel emotionally connected to your spouse when you are last on his list. I find it hard to believe that more sex is going to fix this. He does provide FS for the family and for this I am grateful. Should this be enough?

Lost, I really feel for you. I know this is technically not your thread, so please excuse the t/j. But what you posted describes to a T how I have felt about my marriage at times.

I think with SF and meeting the EN of a basically thoughtless selfish husband is a very difficult thing to navigate. And I am NOT saying I have done it perfectly. But for me, the key is POJA. Don't do anything you can't do enthusiastically. So if I can't meet the need for SF enthusiastically, I won't do it, because that is in the long run more harmful to the marriage, even if it means some short term damage to my husband's love bank.

Again, I don't think I do this perfectly. It's an area where I make a lot of mistakes. But I accept that I will make mistakes and do my best to LEARN from the mistakes rather than justify my bad behavior. My motivation is growth and eventually a healthy marriage, and I know that to achieve that I will have to try and fail several times. Kinda like a baby learning to walk.

For me, I came up with a plan for meeting my husband's need for SF that I could do enthusiastically. It was not a great plan. Basically once a month at a time that minimizes the risk of pregnancy. Once I had a predermined plan, I let myself off the hook to do more than that, and took the pressure off myself, and that alone made me more open to MORE than just the minimum. At the same time I have been focusing VERY hard on not lovebusting. And not standing for his lovebusting. And practicing radical honesty. And asking for what I want instead of expecting it. And not taking it personally if his answer is no. And working towards 15-20 hours of undivided attention. And following the rest of MB as best I can, failing a lot, learning a lot, and growing a lot.

I have seen a tremendous change in my own attitude about my marriage, my husband, and even myself. This stuff takes time, fits and starts.