I am in a real jam. I posted here 5-8-08 about not being attracted to my wife, and got many suggestions which I have tried to implement. I have accepted the facts that I'm an idiot and shallow, and probably made a bad decision to marry this woman, but really don't want to divorce. She is everything I want and need in a wife with the exception of the way she looks. Our first anniversary is coming up in April.

I realize that I have arrived at this point by trying to handle life on my own and fix things myself. Although I have been a Christian for a long time, I am purposing again to let God guide my daily decisions and hopefully bring healing the huge mess that I have made. There are many details as to why I have made such a blunder, use of pornography at times, etc. My real question to those of you who have been at this a while is, can God heal a man like me who has adopted the worlds standard of beauty vs. His standard. The truth is my wife is a beautiful woman, she has everything necessary to be an incredible wife, I just can't see her in the light of truth.

I can't keep saying honey, God is going to make me better, hang with me.. I cant keep dragging her through the dirt. She has given me 30 days to decide if I want her. She has just left for a 4 day trip very hurt and dejected. While she is gone I am doing some serious soul searching, I need God to meet me and give me some hope.

So the bottom line is, have any of you seen God work in a situation like mine and bring about a thriving marriage relationship? Can God help me become attracted to her and treat her with the love and adoration she deserves? Or do I need to let her go...

I wasn't physically attracted to my wife either. I went after her for many other reasons. Unfortunately, she wanted me to want her because of physical attractiveness. This was very bad thinking on my part. If I was going to go after this woman, I should have come to some kind of peace with my self over my level of attraction to her... before I married her. I hurt her terribly.

After everything we've gone through, and having almost lost her for good, I now really do see her as the most attractive woman in the world.

I could have very easily just let my wife go off with the OM. I had the opportunity. But after I found myself totally broken without her, I came to realize how much I was really attracted to her, and that means physically.

It's not a good way to get a wake up call. If you read my posts... you'll soon see that I was a very bad husband.

Oh yeah, and did I mention? I gave up the porn.

That was the first thing God convicted me on for changes in my life, BEFORE I asked her to come back to me.

roybatty,

Thanks for sharing your story, I can really relate to wishing I'd taken things slower and worked this out ahead of time. Now she feels like the only reason I stay is I HAVE to...

You said she's really attractive to you now, what do you think changed inside you? The fear of losing her flipped a switch? I wish I could find that switch inside me...

God bless, I hope things continue to go well for you.

The fear of losing her played a big part of how I see her now. It wasn't necesarily the feeling of being left alone... I've never had any trouble finding women. I just didn't want to totally tear down what remaining ties we had. There were many good memories in our past and I wasn't willing to let that go.

So, yes, the fear of losing her helped me to see her in a new light. I really took her for granted early in the marriage... now I see her for the vibrant, beautiful and sexual woman she really is.

I dug around and found some very young pictures of my wife. She was very attractive, but according to her she never felt attractive. I see that same pretty girl in the face of my wife today... so maybe that is what is different now. It's just how I look at her.

I really think that you can be physically attracted to your wife.

If you really love her, if you see her as an equal... you can find it in yourself to really appreciate her feminine qualities and feel the physical attraction to her.

It's all inside you.

This sounds horrible. If you honestly believe that you made the wrong decision to marry her, then why are you still married? I don't think that's the truth though. Either one of two things is happening here. Either you feel guilty about not loving her, or you are accepting the lies about what makes a woman beautiful to you. If you are comparing your wife to what you see in porn, then you are comparing her to a line, something that doesn't exist, to what is real. If you actual met one of those women, you wouldn't see any of those things that you see in your wife.

So yes, stop taking your wife for granted, and stop trying to make your unreal fantasy a reality. See her and everything else for what they are.

For me, I can't say I saw my wife as unattractive before we separated, but she became very physically attractive to me afterwards. I took her for granted, and didn't see the truth of things until she was gone. I don't think it has to be, just look for the truth and don't let the lies lead you astray.

Finally Married,

I do understand that you are sincere. My thoughts: Your situation is so sad to me -- that your pastor, friends, etc., encouraged the marriage when the whole time you were having serious doubts... They should not have had any say in your relationship. I can understand them interfering if she weren't a believer, but that's definitely not the case here. And here again, I do not doubt THEIR sincerity. I know they all meant well...but here you are.

You originally posted just a couple weeks after being married, and have posted again close to the one year anniversary. That speaks volumes. You will read stories on this site of couples where one spouse has "let themself go," and the other is struggling to feel attracted to them *again*. Your situation is completely different. Your wife must be in so much pain. Try to think of the situation in reverse. You're waiting to see if God will touch your wife's heart into seeing YOU as attractive. When she finally says -- "I really do feel attracted to you *now*" -- deep down, won't you always doubt and wonder, and feel that she has settled. How painful would that be for you? This is a case of good intentions along with worrying about time (your ages) -- both very normal, understandable reasons. I'm just trying to look at this realistically. If there was never an initial attraction, if there was never a gradual attraction, then you need to accept that.

FM, if you decide, upon your Christian convictions, that you must stay in the marriage, if you truly care about not hurting her anymore, then you must decide to never mention your low physical attraction to her again -- it would just be too cruel. I know and appreciate that you are trying with everything in you to be a good husband and Christian. I hope you and your wife's final decision is what is best for BOTH of you. BOTH of you deserve to be loved and desired.

Kat

You have not indicated in this thread why you find her unattractive. No mention of obesity, frumpy clothes, or bad hair days. All I could find in terms of details was this statement from last year:


Are you serious? Her lack of gargantuan b00bs overshadows all her other qualities and makes her unattractive? You are right; you are shallow. She deserves better.

And what makes you think "the worlds standard of beauty" for women is a DD? Many men (my hubby is one) are perfectly happy with average, or even smaller than average b00bs. In fact, the average bra size in America is 34B. Quite honestly, DDs are unnatural and in many cases unhealthy (they often cause back problems). I suspect many of the b000bs in the porn you viewed were surgically enhanced.

You say you are a Christian, and you keep asking if God can make you all better. Others have come on this site asking for God's help and prayers and what not. Do you think that is the only answer? Have you ever considered doing the work yourself instead of asking God to do it for you?

You need to learn to appreciate your wife's other attributes. And for heaven's sake stop looking at porn.

OTOH, I suppose you take the lead like a good Christian man, and drag her to the local cosmetic surgeon for installation of the DDs you so crave. If she is a good Christian wife, she will respect your need and submit to you, right?

dkd,

"If you honestly believe that you made the wrong decision to marry her, then why are you still married? I don't think that's the truth though. Either one of two things is happening here. Either you feel guilty about not loving her, or you are accepting the lies about what makes a woman beautiful to you."


I always felt like it was the right decision despite my lack of attraction. All of the successful couples I talked to said that most of what it takes to have a successful marriage is on the inside. My wife has an abundance of positive qualities. And I think I am both feeling quilty about not loving her and accepting untruths about what is beautiful to me. I am trying to figure out how to reject this lie and accept Gods truth about beauty but how? I have given it my best effort and failed.

kat,

You are right, I should have had the courage to make my own decision, further evidence of my character defects. Yes age and opportunity played into my decision.. It is a sad situation and all my fault. She does not deserve the position I've put her in.

I think we are right for each other but my history of lust and porn are preventing me from seeing her in the right light. I decided today that I need to seek counciling from a pro who is familiar with this problem and its affect on men.

So if I accept that there is no attraction I guess that means I have to divorce her? That seems like the easy/loser way out.. However if I will never love and adore her the way she deserves then I will let her go. It just doesnt seem right... Thanks..

GBH,

I certainly deserve your scorn. I am ashamed of the pain I have caused my wife. Yes I need to work harder and at the same time I have not been sitting around saying God fix this, sincerely your lazy lukewarm servant... If I thought bigger boobs and a nose job were the answer, I would've already drug her down to Mr. Plastic, and she would've done it too. Yes further evidence that I don't deserve her.. I know I'm wrong, I admitted that in the first sentence of my post. I am trying to find answers as to how I can do right. I have been trying to fix this since the beginning and I have failed miserably. Unless God intervenes I will not change. I take it you have your life all under control and it has resulted from your hard work. Well I'm glad for you and your husband. Maybe you could share some insights with me. Thanks for taking time to post, God Bless..

By the way, what does OTOH mean?

FM,

You are not a horrible person. You are a human being who had too many folks giving you well intentioned advice. Good character IS important, but that's not the only gauge of how you choose your spouse -- It's about falling in LOVE, being in LOVE, desiring and feeling desired, which are all healthy ENs that everyone deserves. It's part of the *package*. Finallymarried, when you meet the right person, the desire (emotionally and physically) is overwhelming, it's just not anything that you can *pray* to happen. Maybe there's someone out there who will prove me wrong -- I know miracles can happen, but honestly, if I knew my husband was praying to God that he would find me attractive, it would absolutely kill me. I know you had only good intentions in being honest with your wife about your feelings, but this must be absolutely devastating to her. Mainly because it's something that she cannot change or fix. Did she have any idea before the wedding that this was how you felt? I can't help but wonder if she knew that the connection wasn't that strong, but was hoping for the best. You think you need to go to a counselor to *make* you love her. It just doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. However, I do feel you would benefit from talking with a therapist -- to better understand yourself. You have been pulled in so many directions. A therapist can bring to light what is at your core, good and bad, and help you with your thought processes. I would try to do this before you speak to your wife about your final decision. My heart goes out to each of you.

OTOH = On the other hand.

Yes, my life (most of it anyway) is reasonably under control, and yes, it is due to hard work, plus a little sacrifice here and there.

While neither my hubby or I are something you'd find on the cover of Cosmo or GQ, we both put reasonable effort into our appearances to meet one another's PA need. Neither of us brings home gobs of money, but we're financially stable because we both hold down jobs and are careful with our spending. Most of all, we really enjoy RC time -- in fact, our common interests in that area are what brought us together to begin with.

I guess what really makes it work is that our needs are based on realistic expectations and not something we've seen in magazines, the movies, or on TV. I like to call us low-maintenance.

And if there is an issue, we work to resolve it instead of expecting a third party -- be it God or someone else -- to intervene.

So why do you think it is up to God to fix you? Why aren't you willing to try to work on yourself and perhaps learn to manage your own expectations?

finallymarried - There's a movie people are discussing here on the forums right now. Firewatch. I think you and your W would enjoy/appreciate it....

I think it's called Fireproof.

I have a suggestion for you. Sit down with your wife, and come up with an organization that the two of you feel deserve your help, and start volunteering. Together. It will take your mind off your external issues, it will let you see your wife in a new perspective (the giving, caring person she apparently is), it will allow you to admire her for the REAL person she is - and thus see the real beauty of her, not the external looks, it will show you that people have much larger issues than the one you're obsessed with, and it might actually grow you a heart to be able to help people who are desperate for anything.

Cat, there's even a book about that full of real-life examples, "When I got Busy, I got Better." What a great way to share RC together.

FM,

If your low level of attraction to your W is something "easily fixable" (better dress, better makeup, a little 'doll-ing up', being more 'girly', etc.), then I would strongly suggest you STAY and BE PART OF THE SOLUTION. Most women will welcome CONSTRUCTIVE, NON-HURTFUL suggestions about what turns their man on.

OTOH (on the other hand), if you are not attracted to her for other, less-fixable reasons, then I have to question why you didn't tell her beforehand and why you married her in the first place. Sorry, but if you found her face, chest, weight, teeth (whatever!) to be unappealing, you should have broken it off a long time ago when you could have tactfully said "the chemistry just isn't there for me."

"Having the hots" for someone is certainly not everything in a relationship, but it is something (esp. for men) IMPORTANT. You DID make a commitment to this woman so I hope you are at least honest and don't cheat on her as an escape.

finallymarried,

I remember when you posted before. I'm sorry you still find yourself in this tough situation.

Do you mind if I ask you two questions for clarification?


1. How do you treat her now?
2. How would you treat her differently if you found her more physically attractive?
Please talk to me about your behaviors, NOT your feelings or thoughts.


I think this is a very positive step and want to commend you for taking it. You're doing the right thing -- for your wife and for yourself.

"Why I married her in the first place"...

Because we are a good match. We have similar taste, background, family, spirituality, beliefs, energy level, preferences on almost anthing, etc. Besides I'm getting old and wanted to be married (bad reason, I know). I thought that my lack of attraction would change as I got to know her. I mean God doesn't make any ugly women, so if I'm a man of God, I could see this woman as He does... Well its not working so far. Yes I should've taken more time before the marriage to see if I would "come around".

Despite my current feelings of unhappiness and the pain I cause her, I still don't see divorce as a good option. "I'm not attracted to her" definetely is not a scriptural reason for divorce and seems like a lame excuse in general. I'm still pursuing answers and councelling about the affects my previous porn use has had on me. My hope remians that I can develop an attraction to her and have a great marriage.

As far as easy fixes, she has done those, bless here heart. A nose job and breast implants would be great, but I will not ask her to do that. It is just so unfair what I've done to her. If I didn't like the way she looked, I should've walked away. But I didn't and here I am. So I will go from here. And no I will not cheat on her and I will not go back to porn.

Thanks for posting.

WOW...just WOW!


It certainly is.



You need to tell her all this stuff so that SHE make the CHOICE to walk away.




Well...there you have it. If you have been looking at porn you want her to look like those women. You know the one...filled with plastic and all FAKE.

You don't want a REAL woman.

You want one of those women that have been filled with plastic and airbrushed to look obscenely sexual.

Man up and let her go.

committed

C53, Great questions and thanks for the sympathy.

"How do I treat her now"
Well, I purpose to lovingly meet her needs, but I end up distancing myself from her. I find myself not letting her in like I should. Because I'm so preoccupied with my struggle, I'm not anticipating her needs, studying her like I should. I am kind to her and tell here I love her almost everyday. On my bad days, I have a hard time saying it. I want to really mean it. I want my actions to scream I LOVE YOU. But they don't right now.

"How would I treat her if I found her attractive"
Well I would have that good feeling when I look at her, I would be excited about being with her, the love, adore and cherish part would come naturally. Its all effort right now. I would feel more connected to her I think, I just don't feel "one" with her. I would not care who else was around, I would be focused on her. I would be motivated to excell in my business for her.

Am I answering these right? These are hard to answer. Very thougth provoking. Maybe you are going to say treat her the way you would like to and the feelings will follow. There is some truth in that....