Why should you be his only outlet? Women are told to not expect their H to bear the full brunt of listening to them... to outsource some of the listening to their GFs. Why not the men too?

I'm just playing devil's advocate there. I'd actually LOVE it if my H came home and wanted to talk. LOL


Sorry, but this *does* sound like being a doormat. Remember, MB says NOT to ignore your own needs, to NOT just suffer in silence, to NOT just "smile and bear it".

Sit with him while he's eating? If he comes home late and I'm in the middle of getting homework done, teeth brushed, kids in bed and read to? Or even later, and I'm exhausted and maybe already in bed?


Not very good advice for wives of Hs with drinking problems. Which is often the case, when marriages have these sorts of problems.


God forbid the woman request anything or need anything. Even if she's a SAHM, maybe she's been spit up on, bitten, and wakened every few hours, or maybe dealing with repairmen or bills, while he's been sitting in an air-conditioned office at a cushy desk job...

Not necessarily, but equally as likely as the H has been sweating all day while the wife watched soaps and ate bonbons. (Why is it always bonbons??? Is it a Marie Antoinette thing?)


ROTFLMAO

Oops, sorry...


See above.

Did you miss this part?


I added a little to the above quote to try and drive home a point about salaries.

This may surprise you and other SAHMs who make no attempt to understand what today's workplace is like, but not everyone makes a salary that can comfortably support a household, especially if there are kids. After reading your posts, I'd be willing to bet that the combined total of my H's and my salaries is considerably less than your H's single salary.

As for the second part about overspending and running up debt, that was not a reference to you, but to another poster who is plagued with an overspending W. And I'm sure he is not alone in that regard.

GBH

Do you have resentment towards SAHM??? Some of your posts this comes across in many ways. I guess some SAHM can come across as you have stated above however some working people come across with similar attitudes to SAHM or SAHW.

Also how do you know that the salary that either the working h or w makes is comfortable if the other isn't working. Maybe there are many more factors that come in to play here.

My h doesn't come from an IVY league college either he has worked from the bottom and because of his hard work he has moved up to a position that makes the salary he did. However we did not start out this way. We made many sacrifices along the way in order for me to do what I wanted to do also.

I feel a lot of resentment from you in some of these threads. I really started this thread to find out what others received when the working spouse or working spouses came home and what they would like to see happen. To see if there is anyway that things can be changed up to make it a better time.

Maybe it's your area, or your chosen jobs? I worked as a waitress and brought home $30k a year, then behind a bar where I cleared over $40k in take-home pay. I still live in the same subdivision I lived in as a single mother.

The comfort level of your household has less to do with money than you think. And fitting your life to match your income, and fitting your job to match your life, is easier (imho) than a LOT of people think it is.

I do understand income levels, and I got very early on that *I* could make more by being in control of what I earn. If you accept a job that has a ceiling of earnings, then you have already limited yourself. If you say, okay, I'll work for $14 an hour, that's pretty good, then guess what? You earn $14 an hour, every hour, whether you work hard or not.

I don't have any ivy-league education either, but I can earn enough to be considered "middle class" in less than 40 hours a week.

Oh, should add: neither myself or my H has ever attended community college, much less Ivy League, we're both HS grads and that's it. I'm going to college (community) starting in January, but college did not get either of us to making living wages.

AND...the year we got married, our incomes were within 1k of each other. In the 40's.

Area, and chosen jobs.

I worked 32 hours a week.

My resentment against SAHMs is reserved only for those who refuse to look outside their little cocoon and see the real world. Sounds like you may be an exception. You indicated that you have made sacrifices. Good for you, but you do realize that not everyone makes sacrifices, right? There are some SAHMs out there who not only expect their H to provide for them, but also expect to be able to spend their days getting their hair, make-up, and nails done; going to the gym; having a housekeeper; going to lunch with their girlfriends; putting their kids in daycare; etc. IOW, they do little to nothing on the homefront, hire it all out, then go shopping and lunching with girlfriends. There was one here not long ago but I thing she got lost in the system crash they had here.

Or maybe I am more resentful than I think. I work for a large company that not only sucks the life out of me, but that has me on call 24/7/365. It gets a little tiresome reading complaints from posters who are PO'ed that hubby took five minutes to return a call from a client.

Then that is YOUR PROBLEM. You sound like you don't think you have the right to be in control of your own life. Why would you allow a company to suck the life out of you? For what? So you can live your life? Empty?

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, working for the Lord, not for men..." Colossians 3:23

GOD does not want you to have your soul sucked out by THE MAN, or by things, or by anything. He wants to fill it. He can't fill it when you're distracted by the shiny. Where is your treasure? Shouldn't your heart be there, also?

Do you think you will be destitute and MORE empty if you left this soul-sucking job?

WHY do you torture yourself?

For THINGS?

I understand what you are saying. HOwever in one of your previous posts before even trying to understand where I was coming from you made some assumptions about me because of the way I worded my posts. In doing so I think you turn some people off to what you have to say. And what you have to say is wonderful at times and may help people change in some way for the better. However when you appear to attack at the beginning it makes for defensive posters after that. I think what you have to say is valid and I want to understand it without the appearance of attacks.

I understand what you are saying about some SAHM however there are good and bad in both fields so to speak. It is just as frustrating for me to see them behave that way however I don't judge every working person on select people, I look at each person separately.

I can understand how you feel in the job you are in. It would make anyone resentful. However do you have any other options? Can you take any online classes that might put u in a different field that you would be happier at?? Can you take your skills somewhere that will appreciate them?

My h is military and gets a set amount of money no matter how hard he works. And I guarantee he works very hard, usually first one in last one out making sure what gets done is done to make him and his guys successful and safe. He gets calls at home all the time, goes in to work last minute. Works holiday, birthdays, and everything in between. Also many deployments. Does it drive me crazy, yes, am I resentful not anymore cause I know this is the life we have and I am going to make it the best I can.

I would encourage you to take a look and see what is going on for you and make some changes. It's no fun to live life while your job is sucking the life out of you. You are worth way more than that.

I know one SAHM who sends her kids to day care, but plans to homeschool. Um...what???

GBH, stop feeling stuck and take control of your life.

bjs, did you marry military? This is one thing my H sticks on, that I married him while he was in this business. True, dat. BUT...he's in a different company now, one that requires things that I disagree with (or that disagree with me, depending on focus)...I'm not going to stop thinking that your income should come from sources that source you and your family.

I'm just not.

Please spare me the sanctimonious Biblical references, cwmi. The Lord isn't putting food on my table, clothes on my back, or a roof over my head. Distracted by the shiny??? LOL!!! Shiny what?? If you're thinking jewelry or cars, think again. The only quality jewelry I own are my wedding/engagement rings (small 1/3 carat stone in case you care) and my car is 10 years old and doesn't shine like it used to.

And if I left my job today, no, I would not be destitute, not immediately anyway. But as a practical matter, most people need income to survive. I don't have enough saved up yet to get me through my golden years. And in case you are totally oblivious to current events and the nation's economy, retirement funds have taken a bit of a hit the last year or two and there is some catching up to do.

I was using the "suck the life out of me" as an expression. The job is not literally doing that. Your response simply confirms once again that you have no idea what is going on in today's workplaces and what your H may be going through. Many of us, particularly HH and myself, have tried to explain it to you but it falls on deaf ears.

Perhaps you might be more receptive if the advice came from someone closer to your sitch, like bjs:


bjs, I thank your husband for his service to our country, and thank you for being so supportive of him. That does indeed require a lot of sacrifice.


Thanks bjs, and yes, I am always keeping my options open. Re: educational opportunities, I recently got a masters in business. I live in a pretty remote, non-business friendly state, and there just aren't a whole lot of decent job opportunities right now. I'm hoping it won't be long before we can retire. The big uncertainty, of course, is paying for health coverage, which we currently get through work. I'd retire right now and work for myself or someone else doing something more fun and less stressful, if I could get benefits. But few employers offer them, and individual policies in our state are more expensive than just about anyplace else. Yeah, I know... move!

This line of thinking as a be-all-and-end-all to any problem DRIVES ME CRAZY. The people who toss it out there are usually those who have lived in one area for all or most of their lives, have family in the area for backup in case something awful happens and would rather cut off a limb than move themselves. Yet these same people will throw out that word like it's as easy as pumpkin pie.

Yes he was in military. However he had promised before we even became engaged that he would leave the military after his initial enlistment was up. I had seen many military families and marriages and knew that was not what I wanted for my life or my kids and he was very aware of this.

It then became after this enlistment after the next phase till here we are 20 plus years later. He always tells me at the next place he will have more time and with each place we actually get less timel

I did resent him for awhile. However I came to a place where I realized he was doing what he loved, he was awesome at it, he provided well for us and made sure we had everything material wise before he deployed(even though he has finally figured out that it's not the material things). And we need people like him in our military.

Soooo.... I had to come to a place within myself to accept that this is where we are at and to make it the best life for the kids and I. It is more normal for their dad to be gone than here.

I have found that place and it has given me amazing peace. I rarely bother him about the time at work though I do slip however now it's just do it and get it done, stay until it needs to be done cause otherwise he just brings the stress and grief home and it disrupts the kids lives.

He knows where I stand as far as the kids go, I no longer bother him about it. I grieve for the lost relationship between him and the kids. I have told him that when his job is through with him what will he have. I no longer say anything to him. His relationships are in his hands he knows what he needs to do and what he is losing if he doesn't.

What was really sad was going to a retirement, where the guys wife and kids were not present. They chose not to go. OUCH

I drive a 1999 minivan.

So?

You have an MBA and can't live on your income alone???

Maybe you should rest in the Lord for a moment.

GBH
Thank you. However I have not always been supportive its taken a lot of growing on my part. And we are one of the Blessed ones as we have not made the ultimate sacrifice that so many have. I remind myself of that when I want to complain.



I understand all of those are in play. I just wish for people to be somewhere that they want to be and can be all they can be. I have family members dealing with some of those very things.

As for the moving yup that's an option and sometimes we are surprised as to what it's like in another place and sometimes not so surprised. Moving is not my favorite I long for a place to plant my roots.

If those are not options for you then I would encourage you to find a way to deal with the resentments you have cause they will eat you alive. It is a lot of work however when you get there it is an awesome place to be. It makes life so much better.

It drives people crazy who won't do it.

"I have an MBA but live in area that doesn't have much business"???

That's like being a great farmer but choosing to live in the desert. You're gonna starve, but hey, maybe you have family there who will starve with you. Good luck.

Oh that drives me crazy too. We're from small families and there's not much of a support system, so that's not an issue for us. We simply like where we liv, despite all its shortcomings. It's close to our recreational pursuits.

CWMI posted:

In an ideal world, we'd all love everything about our jobs and the companies we work for; there would be no conflict about pay or benefits or taking calls after hours; and everyone would be in perfect harmony. In reality, it doesn't always work that way.

The company I work for has been around more than 100 years. There are people who've been working here for 40 of those years. Even within a company, things change over the years, and not usually for the better. Policies change, government requirements change, there are mergers and acquisitions. The place I work at now is a far cry from the company it was 40 years ago. And sometimes people need to change companies -- either because they got laid off or because there someplace else offers a better compensation package or work environment or more interesting challenges. And when it comes to certain benefits like a 401(k), you're better off financially sticking with a company long enough to be vested in your company's contributions to that plan (if there are any) than changing jobs every couple years and losing that benefit. There's a lot to consider when you're dealing with work challenges - it's not as black and white as it might seem.

Good jobs are not in abundance the way they used to be. People have to adapt, and sometimes that means working for a company with whom you don't agree on everything. Life isn't always perfect, but usually it's close enough that you can take the bad with the good.

1) I tried this a few times. Dolled up, flattered, shower ready, and warm food to eat as soon as he was ready. Met with no thank you and visible disgust. Did I do my hair wrong, lol?

2)His mom never made him take baths. I've already been told, by him, he will never take a bath, that it feels very uncomfortable - ie: hates the water. Dislikes, Irish Spring, Dial, & Ivory soap but likes the little pink fufu smelling thing that Dove puts out, go figure - his mom used this in her house. I try to have this around but it gets used up fast when the kids get a hold of it , specially my girls. Perhaps I put aside a stash with instructions not to touch Daddy's pink soap.

3)Kids are pretty much doing stuff and out of the way when he gets home. They've learned he prefers his space and will deal (play, talk) with them after supper. As for making it worth his while, heh - I did this once after a shower but later was told he really wasn't interested but did anyways because he thought I wanted it.

It's pretty much safe, no hitting or lond drawn out loud spats anyways.

What I have found is he wants to talk about his day. When I have neglected to listen he gets withdrawn and crabby, goes to bed way early, as soon as he eats. So talking is important. So is massage, as he's always trying to loosen up his sore muscles. I try to do this last one but often I'm turned down, he has an aversion to being touched by others including me - so he claims.

I do think this has a lot to do with the way his Mom brought him up. I say his mom because his dad was an abusive often neglectful alcoholic and she had the most say of discipline in his life. Which wasn't much. From what she has told me and he has as well, he was pretty much aloud to do whatever - run wild.

Glad to see you've chosen your place to live based on its recreational pursuits. How often do you get to do those things with your 24/7/365 schedule?

It's just not that simple, CWMI.

If we had not left the Pacific NW, neither of us would have made a ton of money.

But I think H would still be employed, perhaps not have a drinking problem, our marriage would be in much better shape than it is today--maybe not perfect but not on the verge of divorce either. I don't think we would have encountered financial disaster.

When we left the PNW the first time, I was unemployed and finishing up grad school. I got a great job offer in San Francisco. Did NOT want to go. I saw the writing on the wall with this job. H really wanted out of where we were.

My first year of marriage was a disaster.

No, I'm not blaming the job or the move and nothing else. As I said at the beginning of this post, it's just not that simple.

It's just that people who toss off the idea..."well move"...have NO idea.

And now? Well you 'just can't go home again'. Picking up and relocating back to the PNW sounds attractive but as I've said twice now.

It's just not that simple.

1-3 I agree. I think it's important as well to prepare a pleasant comfortable environment as much as I can. You know some nights just blow up into chaos long before sunset has arrived. And some nights I have just gottem home minutes before has has, usually having spent the majority of my day driving hundreds of miles. I'm a little weary and would like his input on what he would like to eat.

Well number 9 happened a few times this past summer. He had been working in the top of the plant. He works at a corn & soy processor. It had been running in the upper 90's outside wih excessive humidity. So in the plant it was hotter but at the top of the plant it was even hotter not uncommon to be around 120. But when you strap on full safety & other work gear it's now even hotter. And then start to weld (an alread hot job) - do you get the picture? Now add in a 12 hour shift in this environment, 2 breaks 20 minutes each, ok. What do you get? Some do suffer heat exhaustion. And one night when he came home late, he told me he threw up in the parking lot and passed out only to come to hours later - then took another nap as was to tired to drive. Another night he got as far as the drug store parking lot and pulled over and claimed he collapsed of sheer exhaustion. I have asked to if I could come get him but he doesn't want me to. And one night he didn't come home at all. I had his best friend, his mom, and the police involved because I understood what he had been going through and was deeply concerned. Alas no would could find him and I was told that if by noon he hadn't showed up to file a missing persons report. Guess what? He's now admitted that, that time he was with OW, multiple OW - I can't get a specific answer. Spose he wasn't to tired for that or to dirty for them. In all fairness I try to keep in mind his working conditions. They aren't just dirty and physically stressful but mentally stressful as well - never know what's going to kill the next plant worker.

#12 You have no right to question him DISAGREE - I do believe I do have a right but must do so in a respectful manner as I would hope to have in return.

13 What's a good wife?