(If this is in the wrong place please let me know where it should be?)

Me and DH have been married almost 3 years. We have a 1 year old son. I was always so sure I would never cheat--but so much has happened-we were fine for the first year and a half but after that-- basically he wouldn't stop watching porn & lying about it and he definitely hasn't fulfilled my emotional needs for a long time(admiration & affection) and well after almost a year and a half of trying to get him to understand those 2 things & him completely ignoring me I just cracked.(before anyone says so! I'm completely clear on the fact that he didn't cause me to cheat-it's my fault entirely --just stating the circumstances leading up to it)

A girl I work with invited me to go out to this club for her birthday; & on the very same day we were going to go I found a ton of porn on the computer & I was so angry..I just lost control when we were at the club and I said yes to every guy that asked me to dance...I felt terrible about it and told DH about it. He got so angry and wanted to leave me but after talking it out forgave me and tried to put it behind him...

Since then though, I have found myself in this tunnel of despair that I can't seem to get out of, I was ok for a couple weeks but after that the feelings of anger & wanting revenge for all the hurt he caused came back & I started texting a male coworker; this eventually led to a full blown affair & I can't seem to wrap my head around the reality that I'm actually doing this..I told the guy I was going to stop 3 times already & I couldn't hold to my word.

DH also found out about a picture I sent to the other guy & I told him it was just because I was angry at the time and there was nothing else between us..in reality there were several other pictures which he still doesn't know about.. he also almost left me that time as well.

I've been lurking around here for about a week... after reading through so many threads I am realizing I have to tell him--I am just so scared--I know I have to tell him but--I guess I am asking for some tough love because I really need to get out of the 'fog' I think you call it? I need to be told that what I am doing is horribly wrong...just to keep me from rationalizing and sinking back into the fantasy world..does that make sense at all?

I also just ..don't know how to tell him. I am terrified that he will leave.

Any feedback appreciated...thanks

Ok, so do you want a chance to recover your M or not? The ONLY way the intimacy in your M can be restored is if you are not keeping any secrets from your H. PLUS the only sure way for you to end your affair (since you admitted you haven't) is to tell your H. Fear of him leaving is no excuse to continue lying to him. Believe me, I did the same thing, except I ended my A on my own. I was too cowardly to give him a chance to decide for himself whether he wanted to be M'd to a cheater. Your H deserves the chance to decide.

Yes, you do need to tell him. You don't need anyone here to tell you that what you are doing is terribly wrong. Apparently, you already know that. You know what you need to do, and I doubt there is anything that anyone here can tell you that will make it any easier for you to do it. Things will never get better until you tell your H about your A, end the A, write a NC letter to the OM stating that you never want to see or talk to him again, expose the A to everyone you know, and set up EP's (extraordinary precautions) to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. Even with all of that, there are no guarantees. Your H may still decide to walk away from your M. That is his right if he chooses to do so.

But, you still need to tell him. Living a secret life of lies and deceit will lead you down a certain path to destruction.

I would suggest you order Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and start there. You have a very long and difficult road ahead of you.

Zion,

No matter what your husband did, your child is paying the price now, even if you cannot restore your husband you need to restore yourself so he will have one parent with integrity.

Also you need STD testing.

NJ

He deserves to be told. He should not have to live a lie, while you carry on your affair. You have trouble with his porn, with pictures. You are actually making porn with this other guy. Wake up and tell your husband. Let the chips fall where they may. Unlike you, your husband sounds like he loves you. Maybe he will forgive you......again.

The OM is a co-worker. No wonder it has been hard to achieve NC. You'll have to leave that job.

We're not getting the full story here. Surely you did not start texting a co-worker with whom you had only had professional conduct. There must have been some flirting before the texts. What really happened?

Thanks for the replies.

Yes I know I need to tell him. I'm going to tell him . And even though I do know it's horribly wrong it helps to see other people saying it.

Maybe a little flirting. Not anything really significant. I don't know. He had already had my number for a while, there was this text(a joke) a long time ago which he had on his phone; he showed it to me & I thought it was funny & asked him to forward it to me & that's how he got my number..then out of no where 1 day like a month & a half ago he texted saying what's up..& then I started texting him all the time & it was a couple weeks before it started getting inappropriate--then everything went downhill fast.

Yes I know I have to leave the job...

Step 1: Call in sick to work for a few days to avoid seeing the other man. Plan to quit the job so that you can save your marriage. You will not be able to save your marriage while seeing the other man at work.

Step 2: Buy a copy of "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. Buy it TODAY to understand how an affair starts, why it persists, how it ends, and how it SHOULD end. Take however long you need to read it. Stop just getting advice from on the forum and DO IT.

Step 3: Implement your own Plan A toward your husband. He's left before. There's a very good chance he's going to leave again as a result of your affair. Make sure he can see how good a wife you can be if given the chance.

Step 4: Radical honesty. Tell your husband all about it. DO NOT BLAME HIS PORNOGRAPHY HABIT FOR YOUR BAD CHOICES.

Step 5: No contact for life with the other man. Craft a no-contact letter to the other man with the help of your husband, and have him deliver the letter.

Step 6: Plan for several months of hellish withdrawal symptoms. Recovery is hard.

Realize you've given your husband a free pass to move on. I, too, once had a pornography problem that caused immeasurable pain to my wife. This can be overcome if by putting in place extraordinary precautions against further usage of pornography and you implement the Marriagebuilders philosophy in your marriage.

But right now, his porn habit is just one -- albeit certainly an important one to you! -- Love Buster, which may be an addiction for which he needs counseling and may have serious ramifications for your future. It can be overcome. I caution you against using it as a weapon against him in the angry discussions certain to come. It may win you the argument, but it will come at the expense of your marriage. The time will come that you will need to work through it together and come to a joint agreement about it... but now is not that time.

Your affair, on the other hand, is abuse and extremely dangerous to your health, your children, and your marriage RIGHT NOW.

Postscript: Your screen name appears to be one which might commonly be chosen by one who is LDS. I would caution you against seeking counsel in repairing your marriage from your local bishop; they are more interested in protecting the church than protecting your marriage. I watched the devastating effect of untrained ecclesiastical "counseling" in the divorce of my parents. If you want a counselor, go the MarriageBuilders route: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

Look at the situation honestly and really ask whether it was "out of nowhere".

I suspect you are not being honest about this. If so, I don't know what you hope to gain from obfuscation. If you do not face up to what you really did to get into the affair, how do you expect to put up barriers against another one? How do you expect to get valid advice? Who, in the end, are you really fooling?

I apologise in advance if the texting really started "out of nowhere" as you say.

DOZ,

Confess to the other mans wife, perhaps she will pressure him to quit and you can maintain your financial contribution to your family.

NJ

No, you're mistaken, Zion. It got inappropriate as soon as you started texting him & being happy to see his replies & awaiting the next reply. It got inappropriate as soon as you started leaning on this other guy to get some of your emotional needs filled. It got inappropriate as soon as you danced with another guy at a club. Unless you learn to recognize what's inappropriate, you're at great risk of making the same mistakes all over again.

I know how it is... I chose to step out onto that slippery slope myself last year, and I got hooked, and went all the way to the bottom. You need to ask yourself, what kind of life do you want? A life of being scored with by the kind of guys who pick up married women? And where'll that leave your kid? Are those the kinds of male role models you want your kid to have?

Do everything Barnboy has advised. Especially, get "Surviving An Affair" and read it asap. Our marriage counselor put us onto it right after my affair, and it helped me realize a lot of stuff about myself and about how to cultivate (& not cultivate) a proper & fulfilling relationship with my spouse.

Not sure what to tell you re: your hubs' porn issues, but two wrongs don't make anything right. Glad you've found this forum. Please heed the good advice you'll get from the folks who have been at this longer than I have. You won't like everything they have to say, but they'll give it to you straight.

I don't want to give false hope, but if this will help you find the courage to tell your H...

I knew my H would leave me if I told him about my A. And if he stayed it would be just for the kids and the insurance, and he would neer forgive me - never.

But on July 25th 2006 I sat down with my H and confessed. It was hard an frightening. And shocking. And humbling.

It has been over three years. He didn't leave. He didn't just stay for kids or insurance. He actually loves me. And after a time, he was able to forgive me. I won't lie. Especially that first year, it was very hard and emotional. But it wasn't a death sentence.

Telling my H was the first step to really being married again, strange as that sounds. But the repentance has to be real and unqualified. The confession unjustified. The humility sincere.

I urge you to tell him without delay.

doz,

Sit down with him and turn off the TV and the phones.

Tell him that you love him.

Tell him that you need to talk to him with care and sincerity, but that what you have to say he will not like - but that you ask that he listen all the way to the end. Ask him if he promises to do that, and not leave before you are done. Get him to agree to that first.


It's important for you to practice this and get the message clear, short, and to make sure that you get the idea that the marriage does not need to end over this.

It is also important that you get the information out in the right order, so that he hears the SAVING part first, and doesn't just stop listening.

Tell him that you have been looking at information that can help rebuild your marriage. That one of the things that you have come to understand is that your marriage began to break down because the two of you were not working on one another's emotional needs, and that you know now that you were not filling his needs, and that he also was not filling yours. This information has taught you that marriages can be SAVED, even after the worst crisis that can possibly hit a marriage. The information is important, and that the two of you can use it to help you now - and you have already begun to use it to work toward improving the marriage. And this conversation is the first step toward doing that. This conversation will be the very hardest step, but your marriage CAN survive this step, and can survive, even though what you have to talk about might seem like the most impossible thing in the world to overcome.

Tell him that your marriage is now in a crisis because the marriage did reach a state that there were problems that were not addressed appropriately. The two of you should have gone to counseling, and you didn't, and the state of the marriage at that point was such that both of you should have recognized the problems, and unfortunately you just didn't.

But then, instead of you doing what you should have done, which is go to your husband and talk to him and work things out, you got angry with him. You had the issues with dancing with other men, which you know hurt him, and you should have recognized the problem and dealt with it then. Only that isn't what you did.

You did not stop loving your husband, instead, you let your anger and resentment get in the way of your judgement. You let your selfishness and pride step in the way of your love, and you turned to another man to meet your emotional needs. You should have turned to your husband to talk to about your problems, and you should have sought help for the marriage. Instead, you blamed your husband, and did not look for the help you needed WITH him.

Instead, you began a relationship with another man.

And that relationship led to an affair.

Tell him how sorry you are, that you will do whatever it takes to solve the problem.

Tell him that the affair is 100% your fault, and that you will do everything you can to mend his broken and devastated heart.

And tell him that you know that it will take him a very long time to work toward trusting you again, and you will do what he needs you to do to help him in that process.

Then, listen to him yell, cry, stomp around, and whatever else he needs to do. Because he will need to do that. Answer every single question he has OPENLY AND HONESTLY. Do not hide anything. Do not lie to him. Don't attempt to make up anything to avoid hurting his feelings. Don't fake anything. Just tell him what he needs to know, and just open up to him.

Just tell him the truth of his life.

If you lie, he will know it, and you will forever be distrusted for it.


SB

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

Barnboy: Yeah I'm not too concerned with the porn right now. I realize it's definitely not real important right now. Also ..I'm afraid I don't know what LDS refers to..? but daughter of Zion & Zion have been my nicks for a long time now. Nothing to do with church really. No worries about that..I don't feel I would really trust many people who say they are marriage counselors anyway. I am going with the information here, & going to get the book of course.

SugarCane, you are right, I have nothing to gain by lying. I've been thinking a lot about it now & I did do a little bit of flirting in the weeks before that text. horrible...wait. So what kind of barriers would I put up. ?

newjersey, *sigh* if only it were so easy. OP doesn't have a wife or gf anyway.

GloveOil, I didn't really mean it that way; maybe it would be more accurate to say that after a couple weeks they started getting 'suggestive'. That's really what I meant. I believe the first thing I did wrong(in relation to OP) was giving him my number even though it was a long time ago & wasn't for those reasons...

lurioosi--Thank you!!

schoolbus--wait. wait wait wait. I really was under the impression that the work to come was going to be harder than the conversation itself. You are saying the conversation is the hardest step. Is it really? Do you know from experience?

BTW I already told him & he has decided to stay, I will fill in details later--I have to straighten out my head as it is really difficult to write everything out right now.

Thank you all again

I think Sugar meant that reaching the moment of disclosing the A is going to be very difficult, kind of like that second before you bungee-jump off the bridge. (Sugar, forgive my interp of your thoughts, here - feel free to correct me

Well, I think that it was an accurate interpretation bliss, but they were schoolbus's words, not mine! (You're forgiven anyway!)

Zion, perhaps schoolbus also meant that, although you do not want it to be so, this is the conversation that could end the marriage. None of the difficult work of recovery can be even attempted if your H leaves after hearing this news. However, his possible leaving is not a reason for not disclosing. Your H has the right to decide whether he wants to stay married to you, based on the full facts of your marriage.

My contribution to the thread was the point about the text messages not just happening "from nowhere". I think the value of looking at each step that was taken along the affair path is that you will be be able to see how "innocent" conversation with a man can lead very easily to feeling attracted to him. After you admit that attraction to yourself you probably admit it to him. He expresses the same feelings, and you both decide to take that one step further. The affair began with small, innocent-seeming steps, but they are not innocent. Socialising or one-to-one conversations or non work-related, essential, texting with a man can lead to strong feelings.

Oops - not enough coffee - sorry, schoolbus!

Sugar is right in a big way - this disclosure could end your M. That's what's like leaping off the bridge - is the cord going to be able to withstand your jump? You'll have to jump to find out.

I know my FWH could barely start the sentence the morning he disclosed to me. I thought he was just joking around, it took him so long to even get started.I was leaving for work and went to the bed to kiss him goodbye...he looked at me like he'd just been handed a death sentence and had to read it:

"I've got something to tell you...(trembling lips, eyes starting to water) "I don't know how to tell you"...(more trembling, which he never does, but I thought he was leading up to grabbing me in a big bear hug, laughing and saying "I just love you so much and want you to have a great day!" the kind of thing he's said so many times before as I was leaving for work)...he laid there, waffling, until I said "Sometimes I find it's better to just spit it out" (getting impatient, still thinking he's joking, and now I'm starting to run late for work...)"I kissed a girl."

And the trickle truth began. But I didn't leave.

Glad you told your H. Glad he thinks he wants to stay.

This is probably going to be a big challenge for ya, and you have to tackle it head-on, and be transparent with your husband about the ways you're doing so.

As others have pointed out, there's definitely a "withdrawal" period, where you'll be recalling fondly, and missing, the fun times & enjoyable conversations you had with OM; and meanwhile, things won't be all hunky-dory with your husband right away while you're rebuilding that relationship. (And if OM is unattached, he may be even more of a temptation.) I was told about withdrawal by our marriage counselor, and I read about it in books, but then I found that it's not just abstract, it's real. So please read on this site about "extraordinary precautions." You'll need to take some to make sure that you're not constantly getting "triggered" by contact with the OM. This will help your head to clear so that you can re-focus on your marriage.

I found that it was really helpful to have some people to lean on for accountability -- people who were willing to listen, but at the same time whom I knew would tell me not just what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. It can be a pastor, and/or a [good] marriage counselor [caution, there are reportedly plenty of bad ones out there], and/or friends who have not just your happiness, but the integrity of your & your husband's marriage, at heart. My advice would be to get some of these folks by your side, be honest with them, and let them help keep you on the straight-&-narrow during these next several months.

Ohhh...I had originally thought that the conversation was the easiest part compared to what is to come, and was really surprised to see someone claiming the opposite...how nice that would be of course..

So..I really wanted to wait until we had eaten and he was feeling a little relaxed. But, I don't know, he asked me how I was feeling and it was so strange because he never does that and it made me feel so terrible --I couldn't say it so I asked him to read what I'd posted here. Everything is a little blurry after that; he got angry of course & asked me for details & it was awful but I was honest. I got very sick and vomited a lot throughout the whole ordeal. BTW the last time I was with OP was on Sunday..and when I told him that he stated that it was over and started packing his stuff, I panicked and begged him to stay. I admit that in my desperation I did bring up the porn (I apologized for this later.)

He seemed very confused throughout the whole evening--first he told me he was going back to Mexico & told me to decide whether Evan would stay or go with him. Then he said he needed to call his sister for advice but he didn't..then he left for a half hour to think. then he said he would stay but he would date other girls if he wanted. Then he said he would leave again, then finally said he would stay on 3 conditions: he wanted to see all the pictures I had sent. He wanted to go talk with OP in front of me to make sure the stories lined up. & he wanted me to sign a letter stating my consent that he take Evan out of the country if I strayed again. I did write this letter, I have no idea if it would be considered valid? But it makes him feel better. I showed him the pictures I sent but I don't think he wants to go talk with OP anymore.

The rest of the evening he just kept asking me how I was going to keep from doing it again. I wanted to quit my job but here we hit a snag. He wants me to continue there at least until I find another job because we need the money. We discussed ways to keep me from doing anything in the time I continue there..he suggested asking another coworker to keep an eye on me and I thought that was a good idea but then he second guessed & thought maybe they would side with me. (I don't think so.)

Anyway though..he wants me to tell OP in person that it's over and he wants me to record it on my phone. I am going to do it if it makes him feel better but I don't see how it would..I mean it could all be an act as far as he knows. Not like I plan on acting it out..I do not feel good about going back to work though. (btw for the time being..I am not supposed to work with OP until Friday-to be clear the whole affair was carried out AT work)

After that he kind of zoned out and went to watch tv.. I wrote a letter to him; basically apologizing for everything including bringing up the porn earlier & telling him I was committing to the Policy of Radical Honesty & also everything I feel for him...and how grateful I was for the second chance.

When I went to give it to him I was surprised to see he wrote a letter as well, describing what he felt...i am glad he did it hurt terribly to read it but I feel it was valuable information.

After he read my letter I was incredibly amazed but he decided that he wanted to have sex--one of the very things he wrote in the letter was that he wanted to touch me but wouldn't because I'd only be an object at this point and I asked him if that was the case & he said no...I don't know..but we did and he says it made him feel better.

Now he texted me today & asked me how *I* felt--I feel like this is just too much-- I do not deserve to be asked how I feel--what is going on. Why all of a sudden, is he paying attention to me. Is that normal?

So at this point where do I go..where do I start recovery?