For background you can see my other thread
"I cheated but want to reconcile, she doesn't :("

Our d-day was 11/11 when my wife discovered what a selfish, disgusting creep I have been for 20 months. Just by way of back ground, we have been married 18 1/2 years and together 21 years.

By 11/16 she determined she was "done with me" and by 11/19 she started an on-line / phone emotional affair with an old HS friend who lives 250 miles away. She want on dates with him 11/29 and 12/4. And talks / texts with him 1.5-2hrs a day.

We are separated since 12/6, but are juggling joint custody.

She let me know two weeks ago that she was going to LV to visit her new boyfriend during this week. But has waffled about going the entire time. Just last night she told my daughter that she would, "probably make it" to her broadway variety show performance this afternon.

I just received a text from her that she was leaving a 2pm. I replied, ":( I'll let the kids know, when do you want to see them again?" she answered,"Thanks, I feel terrible about missing (daughter's) show. Thought of leaving after, but hate driving in the dark. I will call them every day." and I replied, "u know I will make sure they are taken care of... I'll let u tell them about where u are..be safe"

Should I tell her how hurt I am? (who cares right?) Should I let her know that I am worried for her? (if this guy isn't a predator, he is clearly an opportunist). Should I express my concern that her efforts to heal might be impacting her relationship with her kids? (that would just start a fight). Two months ago she would never have considered missing our daughters performance. But now, for some reason, she needs to be with this man tonight. She can't wait until tomorrow, and return Saturday?

I feel terribly guilty for depriving my daughter of her Mom being at her performance today. Just another thing for me to feel terrible about. I feel resentful of her, because even though I know I did a horrendous thing to her, I just don't think an eye-for-an-eye approach is going to be healthy for any of us. I worry that she will make herself even more unhappy, and I don't want that for her.

So what should I do?

1. Leave it alone?
2. Express my feelings and concerns? How?

I am at a loss. I know I have to relinquish control and let her heal on her own time, with as much support as I can provide. But I don't want to send mixed signals. I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. I will love her no matter what.

DT



For background you can see my other thread
"I cheated but want to reconcile, she doesn't :("

I think since you cheated first, you will have a problem convincing your wife to do much to invest in reconciliation. You sort of lack standing to object much.
Sounds like she is done.

You can't judge anything long-term by what's happening right now. Your BS/WW is in a fog of her own, and you need to fight her A using MB methods with just as much enthusiasm and energy as if you hadn't cheated.

What you did wrong doesn't make this right.

Call her family asap, if you haven't, tell them what has happened, what you are doing to repair the M from the damage you caused, and that she's hurting the children in order to run off to be with her adultery partner.

It's much harder, but M's can and do recover from a double-A. Don't give up hope, or allow yourself to give quarter because you did it first. Fight for your family.

Let your W know that what she's doing is hurting you and the children. It's ok to say that, even though she will most likely lash back in anger about your A. She's using that to justify what she's doing, and only to be expected. Say it anyway.

Oh, and get OM's contact info, call him directly, and let him know you love your W and are fighting for your M. It may not change anything for now, but he needs to know things are not over between you and your W. What he does with that info is up to him.

Just want to suggest that the RA was actually already underway (as an EA) when your cheating was discovered. Your A gave her permission (in her own method of justification) to pursue other options.

She was likely disconnected form you long before she found out you were cheating, had begun to look outside the relationship for support and getting her ENs met and you simply provided her with the ability to live openly with what had been her own lie till that time.

The solution is the same whether she cheated first or second. If you want to try to win her back, work Plan A to the hilt.

Meet her ENs as much as she allows.
Avoid all Love Busters.
Have no expectations as to what might happen from moment to moment since it will be unmet expectations that will be your undoing.

Is this OM married himself? If so, tell his wife at once of what is happening. Also let folks know about what is going on and stop taking the blame for her affair. You are to blame for what you did, but she gets the credit for what she is doing. You screwed up. Not a very good reason to have an affair on her part.

JMO.

MArk

THIS STORY SOUNDS AWFULLY FAMILIAR!! DUDE

You already have!

You are allowing your guilt to cloud your ability to make rational decisions. You are still in a bit of a fog and so is your wife.

The I love you and just want you to be happy crap will be great if you don't want to be married anymore. So read, read, read. SAA & FILSIL & HNHN & LB'ers.

This isn't easy, but you can demonstrate that you still want your marriage without being a sap and telling her it's OK to go to Vegas! Good grief friend, you need to pull it together and stick to a plan!

On the lack of standing deal, if one views the vows as part of a contract, and , one unilaterally and materially breaches, it is possible that the entire contract is void.

You're right Zelmo.

But what does that have to do this mans desire to work toward recovering his marriage?

Well, if his wife uses this type of analysis, she may not be open to any of his arguments re how she is hurting him. She may feel no obligation to abide by a void K.
He can still try, though.

Read this link and then read the next few letters by Dr. Harley. They may help you with formulating a plan.

Can a Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse Letter #1 LINK

DTeas,

Let's get something straight OK? There are a few absolutes in life. Death and taxes are certainly in that category. Cheating on your spouse is very much in that category as well.

What is NOT absolute is the result of that cheating once it is found out. Your W had the absolute right to divorce you. Your W had the absolute right to decide to try and save the marriage. Your W had the absolute right to seek a separation so that she could decide what was right for her and the children.

YOUR W DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND HARM HER CHILDREN.

YOUR w DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND HARM A MARRIAGE SHE WAS/IS UNWILLING TO END AT THIS POINT.

YOUR w HAD NO MORAL RIGHT TO EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR.

Are we clear on this? If not, tell me what you don't understand.

You have an obligation to try and protect your children from neglect, harm, anger, and pain. You did a piss poor job of doing that when you had your own affair. Now, your W is doing the same. See any wins in this??? I don't!!!

Your job is to protect your children from the harm your W is throwing at them. Your job is you want this marriage is to expose and end this affair. Your job is to grow, learn, and become a man some woman would actually trust. Your job is to show your children how to handle adversity and stand up for what is right.

She has given you an OPPORTUNITY to show what you can do, why are you wondering what to do? You do plan A, you expose, you meet needs, you avoid love busters, you seek in your heart forgiveness, and you be the best Dad your kids could ever have.

It really is that simple, it just is not easy.

God Bless,

JL

EXACTLY...DUDE

It is way too early to decide if you are going to have a relationship or not. Face it, your W is acting out in a very immature way, but she obviously feels that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

Does not make her actions O.K. But I bet she is in denial and shock about your M.

20 months is a long, long time to lie to your W about your affair.

How many weeks has she known?

Some BS punish themselves, some punish their BS, some dumb ones punish their families/children-- it is a sad fact. I hope she re centers herself soon, for her kid's sake.

She is totally gonna PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!! If she buys a corvette, look out dude....I'm serious...DUDE

I personally don't think there is much wrong a BS can do. However, boinking someone else while their spouse babysits crosses even my line.

Know what I'd do? Really do? I'd tell her if she leaves, I'll move to Saudi Arabia with the kids.

But, then again, I'm not always rational.

She needs a hard wake up. Her BF is not new. You were both cheating....guaranteed.

What I would do is find somebody to keep the kids and go straight to Vegas to interfere in her affair. NOT to beat up the OM, but to show her that you love her and want her and that you do not want to give up on your marriage.

Thanks Everyone!

I think the 12 step stuff is paying of. Not trusting my will and instincts for now as they got me in this mess of my own creation, but asking God (and MB) to help me find a new way to deal. I told her I was disappointed in her going, told her I would take care of the kids, but that it was her job to explain it the kids where she was and why she was missing her daughters performance.

At 2:30 today she texted, "because of weather and traffic I have decided to stay in town". She made it too our daughters show (which was great!), we had a pleasant cordial time. I took our nephew (her sister's boy too) the kids I went to dinner afterwards, I invited her to join us and she declined graciously.

So by not doing much of anything, listening to the many different opinions, and waiting until I "knew" what to say to her, I got exactly what I wanted. It doesn't mean anything in the long-term, but it meant the world today. I hope she's not too sad about missing out on hot monkey sex, because the family experience tonight was incredibly fulffiling. It's great to have my priorities back to where they are supposed to be, maybe hers will follow soon? Wish me luck!

DT

Wanna be more specific?

The third step of a 12 step program is:

"Made a decision to turn my will and our lives over to God as we understand God." I worked this step yesterday. What it basically means is that your are open to new ways of thinking, that your recognize that your old ways were unhealthy. It's about not reacting the same way, but looking for new approaches.

By asking for advice, considering all the advice, and waiting to be sure. I avoided making self-serving comments and probably avoided love buster and allowed her own conscience to take over.

For tonight I am happy. I feel that tomorrow will be a new, unanticipated part of the roller coaster ride. Wish me luck!

DT