Hi! I've got a thread running in the "general discussion" about my spectacularly imploding marriage, but I have some questions to throw out there, if you guys don't mind.

I'm still married, and the divorce hasn't even been finalized yet, but my husband of 17 + years is having a MLC, and has left me to pursue his growing alcohol problem and his porn-influenced fantasies of a life with no responsibilities and endless sex with other women.

He "bomb dropped" on me Oct 08' with his declaration of his undying admiration for a really trashy woman he met just 10 days prior... she was into "polyamory" and was, at the time, screwing 5 different guys, plus extras she'd bring home from the bars when her standing partners were unavailable and she was "lonely." Just 10 days after meeting her, my WH decided that pursuing this "friendship" with her was more important than anything else in his life. He told me he thought she'd be faithful to him because he was "so much more honorable than her other guys." A few days later, he returned, wanting to work on our marriage. This last year or so has been filled with his waffling, increasing drinking problems, etc, cumulating with him saying he could no longer be my husband 3 months ago. He turned around and Facebook friend-ed Miss Skankypants the very day he dropped out of false recovery. They are now quite tight, from what I hear.

At the time of his initial bomb drop, he dropped a second one, too.... his long-term porn addiction. Turns out in addition to our decent to quite good sex life, he's always had a serious wanking habit on the side. Internet porn... sometimes very awful, violent stuff, fed his "need for variety."

So... here I am. I'm 38. My marriage is all over but the legal bills, the paperwork, and the crying. We got together in High School, and I didn't date much before him... but I DID get molested by both my step brother and step father when I was a kid. I've ALWAYS had trust issues with guys in general, but have always felt very comfortable being sexual with my WH.

Now, I'm looking forward and seeing the future... and I'll be SINGLE. I've never been single. I've always been independent and good at managing a household, finances, etc... I'm not overly worried about all that. I'm good at making the most out of whatever I've got... but what terrifies ME is the thought of having to date!

First I want to say, I really did like being married and I know it's WAY too soon for me to think about dating... so no worries. I'm not gonna rush right out and look for a new Mr. Right, even though my STBX is already dating. (His favorite flavor? Drama-addicted alcoholic party girls.) But the bottom line is that I really was happy and comfortable in our marriage most of the time... and I think he was, too, as much as he could be for someone keeping that kind of secret. Had I known about his porn addiction, it would have been a different story but for the most part I have tons and tons of happy memories. I miss having that closeness, that "best friend" with benefits, and the security that comes from that.

The fact that he managed to *successfully* hide this from me for all these years, plus the fact that I'm now being very casually tossed aside like an old sandwich wrapper makes me VERY nervous!

My instincts failed me miserably. How will I ever know who's trustworthy and who isn't?

How many single guys aren't even single?

How many available guys are porn addicts, or alcoholics, or have other serious, deal breaking vices?

How many of them have been screwed over as badly as I am, and are possibly unrecoverable?

How about ones that really, truly are emotionally available, and not just pretending?

Are there men who actually like a strong woman just because she's strong, and not because they want to hide behind her and let her make all the decisions so they never have to take any responsibility for anything and they can blame her if they don't get what they want? This is a big issue for me because of his "history rewrite." According to him, he gave me everything I ever wanted at the expense of what he wanted.. and that's just not true.

Aside from all those worries, I'm struggling with this horrible feeling that I'm so unattractive, I couldn't even keep my own man... my best friend. That I'm so filled with flaws that I'm completely unlovable. I'm very insecure now, and I wasn't before. And I really can't just SAY this stuff out loud to real people. It shows weakness. I think most of my friends and acquaintances tell me how "well" I'm doing, because I fake it, and save my real feelings and fears for this board.

So tell me, people... I want to hear it from those of you who have BEEN there.
Are there people out there worth dating that can forgive me for being a real, average-looking, flawed, flesh and blood human woman?

I could use a little hope. And I plan to take lots of time to heal before I inflict myself on the unsuspecting male populace... but I'm also someone who helps ease my anxieties by preparing and studying ahead of time. I'm starting to do research on dating and stuff now, so that in a year or two, when the divorce is final I'll be less nervous and hopefully have some savvy.

I'm especially nervous because I really do need time for a friendship to develop before I feel ANY attraction towards someone. From what I'm reading, most guys expect to "get some" on the third date, and that's just NOT gonna happen.

How can I best use my time so I'm prepared and have my head on straight?

Got any advice?
Wolf, not Cougar
Why wolf? Wolves mate for life. I never thought I'd be in this position.

D@mn. I can almost hear those crickets chirping.

Wolf, it's the weekend. Speaking only for myself, a pretty brutal one at that (check pages 69-70 of my thread if you want a sense of it).

I may come back later and give this some more thought, but right now I'm in dire need of some calming and serenity. I'm heading off to a meeting. Back later...

Wolf,
I'm sorry for everything your WH is putting you through. Don't go letting him project all his deficiences on you. You are giving him power to control you if you continue to allow this. First thing is to stop. It's very difficult because you are in the throws of the tsunami. This is the reason Harley says it takes a couple of years after D to get through the grieving and healing. You need to become a whole-healthy person. You could start by focusing on you and what you want in life. Join support groups either through church or local organization. Once you start feeling empowered you will feel better about yourself. I once started a book club and we read and evaluated self-help books. You might want to try something like that.



It's way to early for you to be anywhere near answering this question.

Gg

[quote=Fred_in_VA
I may come back later and give this some more thought, but right now I'm in dire need of some calming and serenity. I'm heading off to a meeting. Back later... [/quote]

Yeah, I've been following your thread, hon. <hugs> It sounds like you've been doing a great job staying dark and not letting her engage you. Having friends over was a brilliant move!

I'm going to CoDA and CoSA meetings tomorrow night with my best girlfriend.

He's not really interacting with me. I hold ZERO interest for him right now because I'm not a drunk, drama addicted party girl, and there's no chance I'd have sex with him. Therefore, I don't exist.


I expected I'd be starting to get some control over myself by now, but when I saw him at his grandfather's funeral, it left me badly shaken. I've joined the support groups, I've been reading and journaling, I've made new friends, joined some social clubs, interacted more with my family and friends, and am doing "the right stuff" but it still feels so empty.

It's not that I want someone new right this minute, but it's hard to describe how terrifying it is to me, to think about dating again. I am scared, and the way I prepare for scary things is to PREPARE.

I'm losing EVERYTHING... my home, my horses, my business. I've got a chronic pain condition and have applied for disability and am in the hearing stage, but I really am trying to get my health together so I can go back to work. I'm also living in my grandparents basement, helping to take care of them... it's limiting the time I can spend on 'bettering myself'... grandma has mild-moderate dementia, and is still a fall risk, so when she starts yelling, I have to drop whatever I'm doing and come running. 99% of the time it's not urgent, but she doesn't seem to understand that I'm trying to talk to clients.

I feel so... stuck. So UNempowered. It's hard not to feel humiliated. I achieved my big dream of the place in the country with horses.. now I'm losing it all. I have no idea what I even want next.


I don't want to whine. I just want to do what's going to make me feel better. I've never been without a plan.

And I know WH is dating, and I know what kind of women he's dating. It's hard to feel this way, and see that he could prefer this life he's chosen over the very good, very comfortable and fun life we had together. It WAS good. Even he admits it.
Stumped. And sad.

Wolf,

The way to trust again is through education and experience. First, education in understanding personal relationships in a deeper way, such as understanding personality types, and understanding human motivations, and finally emotional disorders, so that you can discern a healthy male from a non healthy male.

Likewise, you need to take that task to yourself, to understand yourself thoroughly, and to be able to understand and explain your motivations throughout your life.

then you need to learn to meet people to engage in conversation about themselves, with them firmly on notice that you are not spouse hunting,. That way you gain experience in looking for cues of disharmony, of red flags that will be deal breakers in the future.

Once you can discern all these in yourself and others, you don't need to rely on trust, as you can understand how everyone behaves, and thereforee, you can avoid untrustworthy people.

If I restate your question, it might be, "how can I learn to observe untrustworthy behaviors, before I enter any type of relationship?"

wiftty