How do I lovingly, respectfully tell my wife that she is being thoughtless? That is, without engaging in any love busters: selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts?

I handle most of our nighttime childcare for our young children. We are all sick right now to varying degrees, and two nights ago our baby, who usually sleeps through the night, was inconsolable. My wife wound up taking care of her, which is the exception rather than the rule. I still wound up getting up several other times with other issues.

The next morning my wife slept in and I took care of the children until she woke up. The next night she commented that if the baby had such severe problems again, we could do the same: one of us could take care of the baby, and then the next morning the other could take care of all the children so that person could sleep in a while.

That next night was fine, and my wife commented that she slept very deeply, much deeper than recently, so I would assume she got well-rested.

Then last night, my illness was so bad I could not breathe, and my condition was not responding to any medication. When we went to bed I slept an hour or two, but then our older daughter woke me up with an issue, and afterward my breathing was so congested I could not go to sleep. The only relief I found was sitting upright in the living room.

After three hours of this (with occasional childcare duties for the sick baby) I finally thought things had cleared up enough to try to go back to bed. But when I lay down I stopped back up again, and I lay there for two hours before finally drifting off to sleep some time between 5:30 and 6. During that wakeful time I again had to tend to the sick baby a time or two.

At 6:30, the baby woke up, sick and hysterical. I leaned over, gently woke my wife, and asked her if she would go take care of the baby. She did not say a word at all, which is a horrible love buster for me.

I waited a couple of minutes to see if the baby would happen to go back to sleep on her own (it does happen, sometimes), and then again asked my wife in what I thought was a nice way if she would go take care of the baby. Again there was no response.

By this time the baby was just getting louder and louder, and the other children were starting to wake up. I didn't feel like I could do anything, not even administer medication for the baby, but I got up and took the baby out to the living room and just sat there with her, trying to play with her enough to keep her entertained and happy and keep both of us from thinking about the fact that we cannot breathe!!

After a long time of this, my wife and the other kids got up; she sat down next to me on the couch and said nothing. I explained to her how I had been up all night, and she had no response for me. (Call me a pathetic baby, but it really would have been a nice deposit in my love bank for her to give me an expression of sympathy at this point.) We sat there pretty much silently for awhile, watching the children play. At one point I asked her how she slept and how she was feeling, but she just shrugged.

Finally my breathing got so bad that I went back to the bedroom and dosed myself with my nebulizer. I hate using this; it basically makes me "high," causing my skin to become extremely numb. Afterward I felt so out of it, numb and freezing to death, that I turned on the heater and curled up in the bed with several blankets. I admit I wanted to go to sleep, but I felt like doing that without talking to my wife would be a very thoughtless act. But I felt so horrible and numb I could barely even talk. I wasn't really sure if I was going to go to sleep or just wait till the drug feeling went away, but I was truly hoping I would go to sleep.

Not long after, the children burst into the bedroom. For a minute, I thought my wife had dumped them all on me in anger. But then she came in and said "So I guess this means you're not going to church?" At this point I had assumed she felt so awful she wasn't planning to go to church: she had made no moves to get herself or the children ready, and clearly felt so awful when I woke her this morning that she couldn't contribute to taking care of the baby. I responded that I didn't think I could, and she left the room without another word. For what it's worth, I would prefer to be in church every time the door is open, and I have great difficulty most Sunday mornings getting my wife up in time to get us to church on time.

I lay there for awhile not knowing what to do; during this time she was apparently getting the children ready for church (although from the sounds, I could not tell that at the time, and wondered if she had decided not to go). Finally she burst in and ransacked my pants for my car keys. I told her where hers were, and then as she stormed out of the room I said "Are you not even going to say goodbye?" She said no further words, but left with the children.

As near as I can tell, the only really thoughtless thing I did this morning was lie down with the possibility of going to sleep without talking to her. And to be honest, she had showed absolutely no willingness to talk to me up to that point, anyway.

For her part, she engaged in love busters all morning and gave me no expression of love whatsoever. This is so strange -- everything was going very, very well for us yesterday and in the recent past.

If this goes like past arguments, I will spend days begging her to tell me what is wrong; she will finally let me have it, and I will apologize, and she will be happy with me again, but ANY attempt on my part to talk about how much she hurt me will be seen as an attempt to ignore her feelings, or to actively hurt her! We have been to counseling and worked so hard to make it possible to talk to each other, but we still can't seem to deal with difficulties. She is verbally very enthusiastic about keeping Dr. Harley's policies of joint agreement, negotiation, etc., but when it comes time to do those things, she will not. As you can see from her unwillingness to relieve me this morning, we have a pattern of her being verbally enthusiastic about something but then backing out on me when I am counting on her to keep her word. This drains my love bank terribly.

I don't think she truly understands Dr. Harley's policies. She will be livid if I ask about seeing a counselor again; she hates it and regards it as an attempt by me to force my will on her, even though the outcome has usually been something she has been very, very happy about. (I'm talking raving happy, here!)

I wish I could help, my H treats me the same way as your wife does you, not stepping in with any care or concern when I'm ill, and leaving me to deal with ill children regardless of whether I am sick or not. It's a really tough position to be in, physically unwell and being treated with contempt over it. So I'll just hope you feel better soon.

Here's just one idea, it may or may not be useful. If it doesn't work for you, then just ignore it.

IMHO, I would suggest not playing that game anymore. Stop dancing that dance. If the SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) is for you to beg her for days to tell you what is wrong, then *don't*. Don't follow her around; don't participate in that; don't give her that power. As they say a lot here, say your piece and then "let go the response."

So, I would suggest that you calmly and succinctly state how you feel about last night and this morning, AND THEN WALK AWAY. Don't wait for a response from her, because the response may not come. Don't even give her a chance to "ignore" you.

It's called "Drive-By Honesty". NewEveryDay first told me about it, she may have learned it from LovingAnyway.

If your W mopes around or gives you the silent treatment, ask her *once* if she would like to talk about it. If she declines, then let her know you are willing to listen if/when she's ready... THEN GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Take care of yourself as best you can, and do what you need to do, and (as much as possible given everyone's feeling sick) go about your day cheerfully. Don't let her "silent treatment" get you down.

I hope you feel better soon.

Ditto. I was just coming on to suggest the same thing. Don't do that to yourself anymore. It's not productive for either of you, and it obviously isn't something that works for you. It's a cyclic thing that I think happens in a lot of relationships, but it's really not that productive.

This is a perfect opportunity to be open and honest with your wife while being civil, and then letting go of her response.

"I really felt especially ill this morning. I'm disappointed and hurt that you weren't more considerate about it." (or whatever.)

She is liable to argue about it. Just keep your responses respectful and honest.

My only other suggestion is not to expect your spouse to read your mind. Lots of people get hurt because they think their spouse should know them well enough to do this or not do that.

It can almost seem like a test that we get a strange kick out of seeing our spouse fail. Not exactly fair. (Not that you were doing this, but a lot of us do - including myself from time to time.)

"I feel too ill to go to church. I was up all night, and I have to go back to bed now. Please keep the kids out of the bedroom if you can."

I have definitely been there before; then we will go into her being livid at me for "ignoring" her. Essentially, she demands that I pay her attention, even when she has been engaging in hurtful behavior. How do I respond to that without love busters?


But how, is my question? What kinds of things do you suggest I say?


How do I make sure she can't possibly feel like I am punishing her by ignoring her, afterward?


That sounds more like a recipe for drifting apart than a recipe for restoring love. It sounds like going into withdrawal.

Thank you for the suggestion; that gives me something to build on.

What do you think of "I was really hurt by your angry outburst this morning, and by the way you expected me to handle the baby all alone"? Am I engaging in a selfish demand with the sentence about the baby? It's just really a problem for her to commit to me to provide help and then not provide it; I feel like I have to find some way to address this. If she had simply responded "I feel awful and was up all night; I'm sorry, but could you take care of it?" I probably would have gone right on and handled things (feeling miserable, but at least not feeling like my wife had abused me).

There is a lot that I want/need to say. Does anyone have any ideas for how I can move this towards discussing some of those larger issues?

Remove the bit about what she expected and stick to what happened. "I was hurt by what you said this morning and that I had to handle the baby alone with how sick I am."

Would you be willing to write a letter about the larger issues? Some people discuss things better on paper, it might be worthwhile. You could let her know that you look forward to her writing back to you, and leave the heavy stuff for written communication until you two can reign in the AOs and DJs. Write it, let it sit for a day, read it, and then re-write to remove the accusations before you give it to her. Maybe even just stick with one large issue at first. Just an idea.

Make sure you are communicating with her about what you need and how you feel.

If you agreed:
So ask her: "Honey, you know how we said if one person stayed up with the baby the other would sleep in and we would switch nights? I tried waking you up but you didn't get up. WHat happened?"

See what she says.
"What should I do next time?"

Also tell her "When I take my nebulizer, which you know I don't really like and only take if I have to, then I really can't watch the kids because it makes me feel kind of "high" and out of it. I took it last night so I could breathe and I kind of felt that you felt resentful when I wanted to sleep in a bit after I had stayed up with the baby. I thought what I did was in keeping with what we agreed with. What did you think?"

That sounds more like a recipe for drifting apart than a recipe for restoring love. It sounds like going into withdrawal.


I don't consider that withdrawal. Some call it loving detachment.

When trailing behind a person digging for communication has turned into an unhealthy pattern, where you're always the apologetic solution-seeking person in the relationship, it's time to re-evaluate.

Sometimes my husband does the same thing - wants an answer when he wants it and presses me for an explanation of my feelings way before I even have one. It doesn't give me time to process the issue and formulate my words.

I agree with Jayne. Give her the choice to be the one to approach you when she's good and ready.

Another approach is to be very O&H with your wife - even about all the problem solving you feel the need to do.

"I feel as though every time we argue, I have to squeeze and press you to find out how you feel about it and what you want to do. In the future, I'm going to try and give you more room to breathe and come to me on your own when you're ready to talk about it. I don't want to be the only one seeking the solutions, but sometimes that's how it feels."

Finally wound up saying, last night, in a good time in the middle of some other very positive conversation, "I love you, but I want to tell you that I was very hurt this morning when I asked you to take care of the baby and you didn't help me." This was shortly after telling my entire story of how badly the night went, and I followed up immediately by changing the subject and talking about several other positive things.

I could tell it impacted her, though. She became very silent, for quite some time. I made a point to spend a lot of time with her last night (until I fell unconscious due to lack of sleep ). I woke up this morning discovering I'd slept through the entire night, and thinking the baby had as well, but then I discovered my wife was in the baby's room sleeping on the floor next to her, and the baby had been waking up frequently all night.

I feel that this went pretty well, but unfortunately I feel like the effect was to make my wife feel motivated out of shame, possibly manipulated. We had a very good day today, though, and I got the chance to bring her a few small gifts from the store which she appreciated. I think at this point she doesn't feel bad about things at all. Rather than my wife necessarily feeling motivated to assume all baby care last night, my real goal would have been for her, next time I wake her up and ask for help, to either be willing to help me or negotiate with me. I think maybe I should have been more specific.

More later...

Markos, I know you're new, but I thought it would be remiss not to point out that projecting and assuming you know what your spouse feels or how they'll react in the future is basically disrespectfully judging them. Disrespectful judgments are listed among the "love busters". Actually, it's listed as one of the worse kind. Here it is:

I think at this point she doesn't feel bad about things at all. You're a mind reader?

Rather than my wife necessarily feeling motivated to assume all baby care last night, my real goal would have been for her, next time I wake her up and ask for help, to either be willing to help me or negotiate with me. How do you know she won't?

I think maybe I should have been more specific. Can't argue with you there.


So, this is one of the things you'd probably be recommended to try and stop doing. Hang in there. It takes time.

I don't think you understood what I meant by saying she doesn't feel bad. I'm saying I think that if I engendered any hurt by bringing up the subject of how she hurt me, that she seems to be over it. That is a good thing, not something I am judging her for.

It's not a disrespectful judgment to think "Oh, good, she seems to have taken what I had to say well," is it? That's all I was saying.


I see no reason to assume she will since I didn't specifically ask her to, right? Like I said, I should have been more specific.

Again, I really don't think this is a judgment; it's hard to blame her when I wasn't more specific.

Let me know if I sound off base. If I am engaging in disrespectful judgments, I certainly want to stop! But in this case I think I just didn't communicate here well.

Okay Mark. I obviously processed that wrong! lol Goes to show how difficult it can be on a forum to process something when you can't hear the person's voice.

So what you're saying is that you're glad she doesn't feel bad about it, and that maybe now you feel a bit safer to be more specific with what you need from her?

This could also be a good opportunity to clarify what you were looking for from her and that you hope she didn't feel manipulated or embarrassed because that wasn't your intention.

Don't feel guilty because your wife took her turn with the baby...make sure your message to her is consistent.
"Honey, thanks for letting me recover last night. I know it was tough on you, but tonight I will be on duty. Hopefully we won't require too many more of these crazy nights!"