Last year, my wife was having a really tough time with her job and the kids, so she told me she was taking a vacation. She chose this tiny hamlet on a lake in northern Michigan I'd never heard of. After two weeks of her vacation, she informed me she wouldn't be coming back, and to get up there so I could be with my family.

I took a vacation that next week and fell in love with the place. Breathtaking beauty, small-town feel, clean air and water - a wonderland. I managed to convince my employer to allow me to work remotely, and we moved.

Fast forward to 9/15/09.

My WW and I started MC the day immediately after I caught her and her lover ( who was a close friend of mine ) engaged in an intimate kiss on one of the local beaches.

All I could do was stand there in shock until my wife noticed me standing there. I then turned, walked away, and drove home. I'm such a coward. This is SOP for me. Keep the peace.

Why did I go to the beach that day? I'd done a bit of snooping earlier that morning and recovered logs of a series of FaceBook chats detailing their relationship.

She arrived home, and explained how I couldn't have possibly seen what I was accusing her of. I pressed for the truth, and she eventually and reluctantly admitted to kissing him twice, but nothing else. When I read back her words to him, she still denied. For days, I got nothing but "two kisses, that's all - everything else was just flirting words".

I asked her if she was willing to end it and work on our marriage, to which she agreed. I immediately stated that I did not want her to ever have any contact with him again, and she promised me she wouldn't.

I left to go for a drive to clear my head, and according to the cell phone bill, she barely waited for me to leave the driveway before she called him. From the end of our conversation through the end of the day, there were 5 text messages and 8 phone calls.

That night, I confronted the OM in front of his wife, and he at least had the decency to admit to the affair and apologize. It would take my wife days to issue an "I'm sorry", not that she meant it.

Timing of this could have been better, as we'd just finalized a contact on a new house and had gotten the unconditional loan approval. We closed on the house on 9/28.

That night after the closing, I snooped some more, and found contact between my WW and the OM on FaceBook dating way before her "vacation". It might be hard to believe, but she's denying that too.

The very next day, she removed me from her friends list on FB, as did did the OM. She still denies contact. "Must just be a coincidence" she says.

Now I'm hearing that I treated her like crap for the last 10 years, and because of that, I'm 100% responsible for her affair.

Textbook? You bet! Does knowing that help? Hell no! Hell no!

Seems like a pretty standard scenario, lying, cheating and the invariable blameshifting and history rewriting. What do you want re continuation of the marriage?

I definitely don't want our old marriage back, but I love my wife and children, and I'm willing do do whatever I can to reconcile.

Our MC has basically advised me to Plan A, although from a different source, he's a "Love and Respect" kinda guy. The more I read into that, it seems geared to good and/or struggling marriages, not ones where one spouse is actively pursuing external relationships.

I've just recently discovered her second pre-paid cell phone. MC says to ignore it, and just love her. I've been doing this for 3 months, and it's made nary a difference in her attitude.

Last night, she called him twice. She was over at a friend's house, and he stopped by. She called and told me about it, and apologized as she didn't know he'd be there. She's gone way underground. She'll let me know about contact if others know, and act so sorry. Then turn around and call him twice.

No way should you ignore this abuse, IMO. Whip out the old exposure deal to damage this affair. Even if you do not reconcile, breaking up the affair keeps a guy with no morals away from your kids.

I've already done a self-directed exposure of sorts. I did not do any research prior to attempting to handle things my self.

Here's what I did ( wrong )
1. Identified my sources
2. Sobbed, begged, demanded
3. Let her anger control me

I need to work the "stick" portion of Plan A. I'm just not sure where to begin with that.

She's already gone back on her promise to not contact OM. I'm afraid you are going to have to get tough with her.

She went back on her promise in about 5 minutes. I've accepted ( enabled ) it this long that I'm not sure how to proceed.

small town you say...

does EVERYONE know???

You need more sets of eyes on them.

Might be time to shut down the money too. Close out joint credit cards and bank accounts. Protect you and the children financially.

Ignoring an on-going affair is a mistake. Until it's over...COMPLETELY...you are at war against the affair (not your wife).

Voice activated recorders and keyloggers on the internet are in order too.

I assume you've read through THIS THREAD BY LONGHORN "FOR NEWLY BETRAYED SPOUSES" in it's entirety.

Mr. Wondering

I think you just start doing it and forget about the past failures. Just suck it up, never beg , expose, and lay as many consequences of the affair on her as possible. Cut off all financial support of the affair. Never agree to babysit so she can get banged. See a lawyer and find out where you stand re custody, maintenance.
And, lay as many consequences(legal ones) on the OM as possible, as well.

MR,

Very small town, but not EVERYONE knows. I've considered ramping up the exposure in light of the recent verified contact. She's been telling both me and our MC that there has been NC since just after DD.

She is heavily involved in a national pro mom/children organization and I've considered outing the adultery there.

She just took a new job in the local school system - not sure about doing anything there ( both my kids attend ).

Do I mention this to my kids (5 and 7)? I've seen it affecting them, and we've both spoken to them about how much we love them and that we're both there for them.

I know she's already spinned many of the local folks to whom I might have exposed the affair - are these folks a lost cause?

She actually had a friend of her's call the cops to have me removed from my house. She caught me coming home a day early from a business trip - spying on her. Not one of my finer moments.

I bought and place a VAR in her car, but felt so guilty I told her about it the next day. I removed it from her vehicle and put it in the house so we could both know where it is. It is now missing, but I haven't asked her about it yet.

I hadn't seen that post, but thank you for pointing it out - very enlightening.

Zim

BEFORE you fire this MC to her face, ask the MC just exactly how is a marriage supposed to work if the wife is screwing two men.

YES, you expose to everyone she cares about. Not the work, if it doesn't affect the work. But if OM goes there, yes.

YES, you tell your kids. They know something's wrong, and are blaming themselves because no one is being honest with them.

Buy ANOTHER VAR and put it BACK in her car.

This is war, Zim.

She is NOT your wife. She is an alien, a crack addict, and all she cares about is her next fix. You can't have your wife back until you declare WAR and STOP the affair.

She has lost ALL respect for you because you are a wimp.

She will never love you again unless you man up and FIGHT this affair.

EXPECT her to be mad at you, as you pry the crack pipe out of her hands. Later, after withdrawal, she may thank you for saving her life.

Can you provide a little more info or point me to where I need to look?

I already confronted the OM in front of his wife. They are already in the midst of a divorce, with much prodding from my wife. There were some huge issues there, but I'm no longer convinced my wife's motives were on the up-and-up.

Re-Expose to Other Mans Wife!
Re-Expose to her parents, your freinds, anyone who will listen.
Put a new VAR in the car and do not tell her about it, hide one in the house also.
Fire your MC.
See if your state allows Alianation of Affection lawsuites.
Ignor youe wife when she starts ranting and raving about your actions.

The coming to terms with this is what caused me to post to this board. I now know this to be true.

I am going to fight, to expose, to remain calm and not cower to her anger! She's destroying my family!

Do I confront about the newest cell phone? This is my only route for proof, given I've already exposed all of my other sources. I'm guessing not, but not sure how to otherwise confront on breaking of NC promise.

Zim, does your wife work?

Gack,

My wife works part-time in our local school system. She decided to be a SAHM when out first child was born and has just recently gone back to work.

Zim

I would confront her about the other phone.

Does she see OM at work?

She may occasionally see him at work - she's working with 2nd grade and his son is in third grade.

It's much more likely that they'll run into each other at the grocery. Our MC ran into the two of them there talking. I had to ask him about it - he didn't volunteer.

Oh, this is a "fun fact". After several weeks of MC, when names started being dropped, our MC informed us that the OM's wife and he are cousins. Like I said, small town.

Did you know OM before you moved there?

I said to expose to his FAMILY, not his soon to be XW. It is his mother and father and siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins who will shower him with disgust, and make him realize how sleazy he is being.