What is the best way to ask my wife to look at the Marriage Builder web site to see if she feels it might be worth trying to utilize it to save our marriage without seeming to be pushing her or forcing the issue? I am in the conflict state of mind and she is in the withdrawl state

Zeke351

I am eager to see answers to this. I am in the same place.

After a year of forwarding articles, leaving books around, and outright asking my withdrawn H to do this, I finally said, "I'm calling Steve of MB, and I'd like you to participate, but I understand if you don't want to."

He participated.

Sometimes pushy is called for, Zeke. You can't force her to do it, but you can tell her that you will, for the sake of your marriage. It really makes someone think about their asitude when they have to outright refuse to do something to salvage their marriage.

They have to admit that they've given up.

That they just don't have the cojones.

That's a hard thing to admit.

Zeke,
I printed off articles, information, the ENs questionnaires (x 2) and I read, read, read. I told him that this was a condition of our R. He willingly participated with the quesionnaire and that was a good start. That gave us a frame of reference when we were having a discussion and a greater understanding of how to explain when ENs weren't being met.

It takes time to heal and to R, but this website was the saving grace that helped to save my M. Ask your W to complete the EN questionnaire. That's a good starting point. Then explain that the information that explains it further is on the MB website. Share the books HNHN, SAA with her and maybe she will find something that will catch her interest.

I wish you much luck on this journey called recovery. Take care and be blessed.
SS

You can ask but that's about it. Any wheedling, nagging or otherwise trying to 'educate your spouse' falls firmly in the DJ camp, according to the Harleys.


You can also clean up your side of the street. Work there first. As others have suggested, read everything on this website, read the books, articles, fill out the questionaires. Figure out what your own ENs and LBs are. Even take them from your wife's point of view and try to meet what you think are her ENs and knock off stuff that is LB to he.

Dr. Harley believes one spouse can save a marriage through modeling of good behavior. Often, this might be all that's needed.

If not, you have to figure out then where your boundaries are. My husband wanted nothing to do with the websites, books, Q's etc, and said he was done with cousneling. I drew my line in the sand over the counseling. I worked on cleaning up my side of the street (I can NOT emphasize enough the importance of this) and then I was very honest. I told him I was unhappy; I didn't want to remain in a marriage like this any longer. My line in the sand was the phone counseling. I took some desperate measures to get there but we are there.

I also talked with SH first on my own. Don't be afraid to take that step too. He is great about coaching you to get your reluctant spouse on board.

Zeke,

After finding the site and reading all the articles, I just *started* to put the principles into practice. I didn't worry about him....I thought about how to end my own love busters and began doing my best to fulfill his needs (at least the ones I still felt capable of filling). I let go of my resentment, and I took control of my own happiness. I let him know that he was welcome to come along. At first, he didn't respond, because he was certain that whatever I was doing was temporary and that at any minute....I would have another melt down. I didn't. Eventually....after a consistent couple of weeks, he asked me "Star, what are you doing?" I showed him the site and he's actually the one that suggested we go to an MB weekend.