Help, I'm a WW who needs help. I might be overreacting, but right now I really think that getting a divorce is the only answer. I have actually started to make a few phone calls. The problem is that I lost the faith that at some point the relationship is going to get better. We were following the MB rules, spending time together, trying to meet each others needs,etc. But just when I thought that we were making progress and truth to be told I was actually starting to fall again in love with my husband (ElCamino72) he got isolated. When I asked him what happened he said that I was not meeting his 'open and honesty EN'.

What really upsets me is that when we are following the MB plan, we both seem happy and then out of nowhere, his actually not. He is not been sincere, and this keeps repeating all over again. We call Steve, get energize again and end up in the same way. To make matters worst he doesn't tell me how he wants me to be open and honest. I'm kind of confuse there.

A few weeks ago, I made a disrespectful comment about friends at his company, and when I realized I was wrong I tried to correct myself but it was too late. He decided to protect himself and said he was not going to follow the MB rules including POJA. I kept trying to take care of him, but nothing seem to work and I've got fed up.

The way I color or have my hair(curly or straight) is a big deal for him. He wants my hair curly, and medium brown. I like to wear it a lighter shade, and sometimes straight. On Sunday I decided to wear it straight because it had been a while, and it seemed like he didn't care and it does cheers me up. He got upset and decided to broke down my hair blow dryer. I mean for crying out loud it's not like I'm chemically straightening my hair, I just have to add water and the curls come back. He told me that he needed to protect himself,and that I was doing it on purpose to make him feel bad. I said that I was not on war with him, I do it to stimulate the scalp (it does grows to it's max potential). He didn't apologize.

We were talking today (I always start the conversations) to try to win him back, he never does! and it didn't end well. It's funny because I realized that in the last few months I've been more open and honest than him. He thinks I'm not meeting his needs, and I feel like his the one that is raising the bar so high that its impossible to reach. I told him I felt like he was treating me like that, to make me ask for a divorce. He said no but I have my doubts.

The thing is that our relationship is stalled right now. I don't want to get a divorce, but I can stand his attitude. I just don't know what else to do....

me 37(WW)
BH 38 (ElCamino72)
affair discovered last summer
2 girls (6 and 5)

How long since your last contact with the OM? When was d-day?

Rizo, is he triggered by your hair when it is straightened? This seems to upset him greatly. Why?


He TORE UP your hair dryer? Am I understanding that correctly?

Last contact was by phone on Sept09. I've got really angry with my BH and decided to call OM for comfort. I have not contacted him since then. What is d_day? The relationship lasted for a year and a half. I didn't have sex w/ the OM, we saw each other alone like 5 times (5 to 10 min). It was mostly phone calls and msg's. BH found out on Jul 8, 2009.

i would just like to offer that: maybe he isn't troubled or sad or disillusioned....maybe triggered?

your hair, being beautifull should oly be for him whether or not he requests it....you know....don't you?

He used a hammer to KILL the hair blow dryer!, and put it on the garbage can. I actually got a little afraid with his reaction, but I know he is not going to hurt me. He has always wanted me to have my hair long and curly. The OM like it blonde, and straight or curly. Maybe he thinks that the OM like it straight!, I don't know. I just think that now he has an excuse to get what he wants.

I know I should wear my hair the way he likes it, but I was feeling down. Plus I really like it straight, because is short and I like it straight. It might be reminding him the time when I was having an affair, even though I have always wear it both ways.

D-Day = Discovery Day.

You both are still in "recovery". A tough time for most.

I would suggest at this point that you avoid triggering your H over trivial things. Is your hairstyle so important at this time that you are willing to damage your M over it? Might be better to simply talk to your H about *why* he gets so upset over something like that.

Ok, I see the problem. He needs your help, Rizos. He found out about your affair in July and you continued torturing him all the way through September. That is 3 months of a false recovery ON TOP OF his discovery of your affair. Contacting the OM after your H had found out about the affair was especially mean and cruel. That is like raping someone and then kicking them in the face for the fun of it. He is only seven short months into recovery.

Rizo, your husband has been through a traumatic shock that is as traumatic as the death of a child or RAPE. Except that you did this on purpose to him. It will take much longer than SEVEN SHORT MONTHS for him to recover. It will take a couple of YEARS.

Please try and show some compassion for him and go out of your way to be tolerant and compassionate for his pain. What he needs is for you to be the strong one here and help him through his grief. Can you do that? Can you show him some understanding and help him recover?

He is going to have breakdowns, he is going to feel triggered sometimes. I wonder if your hair is a trigger for him?

What can you do to make this easier for him? What can you do to avoid triggers for him?

It sounds like it might remind him of the affair, so the KIND thing to do would be to STOP doing your hair like that. Don't do anything to upset him.

He should not have broken your hairdryer, but now you KNOW this is a trigger for him so you can stop doing it.

yeah...ditto what maninmotion says.....maybe think about what goal you have...mean to a hairdryer...reallly? watch him carefully. where your'e hair the way you want, but do you want him to want you, love you, need you..


should hair make or break? noooooo.......

should you......yesssssssssssssssssssss.

Here is the thing. If you care about someone, or possess some simple basic decency, you don't go out of your way to traumatize them. For example, if a man is lying on the floor bleeding to death, would you kick the crap out of him?

Or would we try and render AIDE and save his life?

Some might bash his teeth in. Me, personally, I am feeling inclined to render aide and not add to his obvious pain. I might decide to wait until the bleeding stops and THEN bash his teeth in! But....thats just me..

I've been trying to play it nice. I don't visit my family too frequently, I only straighten my hair once a month(I'll stop this one). I tell him what I'm doing, or where I am. I show him affection, send him msg's asking him how he's doing, etc. I ask him how he is doing when he comes home, I give him a big kiss every morning before he leaves for work. Nothing seems to work. I guess I have to try harder, but right now it will definitely be hard. I have already started to see myself looking for an engineering job or going back to school without him by my side. But, I'll keep trying for my daughters.

I do agree that you should not be straightening your hair if it triggers and hurts him.

Maybe you could POJA that you could use the blow dryer to straighten SOME of the curls out, without making your hair too straight. Would that work?

That way, you could change up your hair style a bit without triggering him with very straight hair.

Rizos, just keep up the good work, but do your best to AVOID any triggers. And don't berate him when he explodes. He is very, very traumatized by what you did to him and needs you to be VERY compassionate, patient and kind to him.

It will take him around TWO YEARS to recover, so don't expect him to just "get over it." You have to think of HIM now, not yourself.



This sounds like a threat to leave him? How do you imagine this will help him recover?

I know it won't help him recover, and I haven't tell him yet. That's when I decided to ask for some advice. Both LB's are in negative right now, and nothing seem to help. He doesn't seem to care for affection, or SF. He only wants IC and Open and Honesty. I try to start intimate conversations, but I don"t really know what he wants to talk about. He's not even sure, and right now he's just standing still.

I'll suggest that we get in contact w/ Steve, and see how it goes from there.

Thanks all for your advice, I'm going to get my hair curly now.

I had to chime in after reading your post. I am a BH and my WW had an affair a little over 9 months ago. From what I have read of your post, it seems that have a very unrealistic expectation of your husband, like you expect him to be over it by now. I could be wrong, but that is how it appears to me.

I can tell you that the one thing he needs from you right now is compassion and consistency in behavior. He needs to know that you care enough to try to right the wrong that YOU caused. No BS asks for an affair to be dumped in their lap, and it infuriates me that people who do cheat can just walk away virtually unscathed while the BS has to deal with the trauma for the rest of their life.

If you love him be there for him. If you dont understand why he behaves a certain way ask him. Care enough to find out what his triggers are and be sensitive to them. You have put him on a journey of hell and you need to understand that.

Good girl, Rizos! I bet if you go give him a big hug and tell him how sorry you are for triggering him with your hair that he will feel better and apologize for busting up your hair dryer.

I do understand that I've put him through hell, and that there's still a long way to recovery. Specially because, even thought the OM is out of my mind and life for good, I still don't love my BH.

I do ask him how he feels ALL the time, but he is the one that is not been honest with me. I'm tired of asking him what's wrong, and how he feels and getting a shallow response. Don't get me wrong, but most WS's pay for what we did. Specially the one's that try to stay married. I'm taking his BS, and swallowing it too, and I'm still here. MB is two ways, not just one sided. If he wants me to be more open and honest, he needs to tell me exactly what he wants.

But yes, thanks, I'll be more compassionate and see if he starts to meet my needs too.

Thanks, Melodylane, I'll give him a big hug, and tell him that I'm sorry for triggering him. I'll also let him know that I will leave my hair curly, unless we both agree to straighten it.