My wife told me she doesn't love me and never has. We have been married 10 years and have a year old. We have had a rocky marriage, basically not getting along at all. Nothing bad has happened (affairs, drugs, abuse etc). She always said that if I would change some things our marriage would be better. She felt I was the problem. I felt she was so we were in a bad cycle.

About 8 months ago I decided to break the cycle and do the right thing no matter what. I put her needs above mine and I noticed an instant change in her. I have been close to perfect as possible. I knew that by me changing some things it would only make the marriage 50% better. She did't feel that way. So now I basically give her no reason to be angry at me. No reason to complain. The thing is, I never felt like I loved her either. It wasn't until recently that I truly felt like I loved her. It wasn't until I let go of any anger and started focusing on the positive that I feel in love with her for sure.

She says I need to be with someone that appreciates me. Tells me I am a great person. Just says she doesn't want this anymore. I tried talking her and telling her to just focus on herself for a while. That she won't be happy until she does. She is going to talk to a counselor, but I am not sure if it is the right reason.

My wife works alot, I have been the primary care taker of our son since his birth. I changed my schedule to work Fri, Sat and Sun so I am home with my son 4 days per week being Mr. Mom. Dr. Appointments, Dentist, Haircuts, School etc. It's always been like this. I going to talk to a lawyer for legal advice. Not filing for a divorce or anything. Just want to make sure I don't do anything that could affect child custody.

I try and tell her that things can be great, that she can feel normal in this marriage. It is possible. But it is hard when you have someone who doesn't want to try.

Working opposite schedules and never seeing each other is not going to help get your marriage back on track. You both need to spend 15 hours a week doing the things that made you fall in love and get married in the first place. Read here - policy of undivided attention

I'm a withdrawn wife, so I understand where your wife is coming from to some extent. Maybe.

A few quick things. First, "I never loved you" is often what a wayward spouse says when they are having an affair. You should verify that there is no affair, no by confronting, but by snooping. Sounds awful at first, but go over to the SAA threads and you'll see how crucial this is. Expand your definition of "affair" to include ANY relationship in which your wife's most intimate needs are being met. You are the one who should do that, not some other guy "friend", or some other female friend, or some co-worker, or even some family member. You. She will never feel in love with you if you are not the one meeting her intimate needs of conversation, recreaction, appreciation, and sexual fulfilment. If you are not meeting those key needs, and someone else is, nothing you do will ever be good enough.

I second the UA time. 15 hours minimum. Easier said than done when both are in withdrawl, so at first it is a discipline, and gradually becomes something you wouldn't want to live without.

Are you sure you are meeting HER emotional needs? You say that you have spent all this time trying to better yourself and become the perfect husband, but clearly what you were doing on your own was not meeting what her individual needs are. You may be making assumptions that are incorrect.

What specifically have been her complaints, and how have you addressed them?

From what you have written you sound like a bit of a doormat before. I'm not saying that to be cruel, just making an observation. We are not made to be sacrificing martyrs in marriage, and being that way throws a marriage off balance as much as being a rabid taker who gives nothing in return.

When I experience myself as a "taker" in a relationship, I feel very negatively about myself, and want to withdraw from the other person with whom I have that relationship. The key for me is to shift my perspective and become a "giver" and then become a "reciever" rather than a "taker" Being a taker to me means having power that makes me uncomfortable with guilt. Being a reciever is a humbling but fulfilling experience.

If your wife is being a rabid taker, she probably doesn't like herself very much and probably doesn't know why. Lord knows I didn't. And even when you know it's a hard habit to stop. But by being an over-giver, by sacrificing your own needs, you are enabling her taker.

Read up on Policy of Joint Agreement. That may point you in the right direction. It's one of the things I am working on right now too

that's the thing. she says she never loved me. Maybe it's anger now who knows. But we do spend a lot of time together. More than 15 hours per week.

Undivided Attention time? So not just being in the same room at the same time but really doing things together just the two of you?

She has been a rabid taker. I have done everything possible that I could for her and it makes her feel guilty. It make her not like herself. So she has been withdrawn and distant.

I know that I have tried to meet all her needs. She isn't returning the favor though. Our marriage started off with 3 years of school for my wife where she studied and had no time for anything else. Not even her marriage. She told me things would be better after school but that didn't happen. She started working a lot. To the point where she was home at 7pm most week nights and never spent enough time with our son. So then she starts school again to get her PhD. It's one thing after the other. It seems to me she is trying to find happiness in empty things or goals. She is very driven. I truly believe her lack of time in our marriage is the root of most of our problems. I started complaining, and it was a bad cycle.

She told me if I would change our marriage would be perfect. So I did, knowing it would not make her happy. It made me happy though. I know we can have a great marriage and both be happy. She just will not focus on herself.

I asked her to concentrate on herself for a little while and I will back off and give her space. One thing I have learned is happiness comes from within. No one else can make you happy. And she has waited for a long time for me to make her happy.

yeah, lack of time is not our problem. I think it is deep down resentment. She mentioned she hated me for taking her role (role as the MOM). When I was only doing what was best for our son.

I have a post on here INSIGHT NEEDED

read it, because I am the one like your wife with this feeling of not loving my spouse or feeling like I was never madly in love with her. I am so tempted to call it quits but came on here to try and work through this. I get very anxious when I feel this way, she probably is feeling the same way I am. We have a 19 month old daughter also. I work a lot as does my wife, which strains relationships.
Try and be supportive of her and talk to her about this.

she just called and told me she is okay and feels much better now. Said she is going to work on herself. Her telling me the truth (not loving me) lifted the weight of the world off her chest I believe. When she told me I said "I Know". I could tell and I could see it. But maybe there is a glimmer of hope as she said she wasn't going to do anything now and focus on herself. I just have to be patient I guess.

I think when both spouses work and have kids it causes a lot of problems. Yeah it's nice having nice things but what good are they if you are unhappy. I would rather have a small house , crappy car and a healthy marriage than the material things.

MC1971
It does put a strain on things when both spouses work. I have a 3K mortgage.
I have tons of stuff, multiple houses, cars, etc. But am not happy and my wife isn't either. We are working on creating more time. Having your wife tell you that probably gave her relief, I know it did for me, which will allow her to focus on herself and the relationship. She may go up and down for awhile, withdrawal, come out of it and withdrawal again. Try and be patient.

yep, the material things just are not worth it. Unless you have so much money you don't have to work ! I told her I will be patient for as long as it takes.

hang tough. It stinks feeling like I do or she does.

yeah it does. I imagine it makes it worse when you don't give em space and ask too many questions etc.