I've been coming to this form for almost a year now. Reading and absorbing all the information. I thought I'd step in and introduce myself. I've been hesitant to do so, but I'll explain that in a bit.

I'm 28, DH and I have been married about 4 1/2 years and just welcomed the most precious baby on the planet into our lives 4 months ago. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my mother commenced what has become a 25 year affairage that has at least produced 3 awesome sisters for me. Because of my mess of a childhood I vowed to never get married until I met a man who I absolutely could not refuse. Our marriage has been pretty darn good - I don't think we ever really left the 'honeymoon' phase. Sure things have been rough but we've been crazy in love the whole time. I thought it was just that we were lucky. Coming here, I've realized we've done A LOT of things right from day one.

One of the first things that attracted us to each other is we could be Radically Honest about everything with one another.

We meet Emotional Needs almost effortlessly - we took the questionnaire a few months ago and our top 4 are almost identical. The questionnaire was helpful, however because though the needs are the same in importance the way we want them met is different. Before we were shooting in the dark and just happened to be hitting our targets. Now we know how to meet our needs.

We by nature avoid Love Busters, which is saying something as we both have the typical Hispanic tempers. We've just made it a point to never turn them on each other. We both looked at the Love Busters Questionnaire and as we went down the list all we could say is 'You don't do this, you don't do that' That's not to say we don't occasionally Love Bust but I think our Banks are so high the rare Love Buster doesn't really register much. I have, however found some Love Busters in my behavior that occasionally occur and I've worked hard to limit those.

We implemented POJA small ways throughout our marriage so expanding it has been, though not easy, a bit more natural. (we actually hit upon this system in a really funny way)

We have had struggles. I have a natural tendency to just take charge and steam roll ahead on things, and my DH has a tendency he learned from his father to just sit back and let me take control to avoid 'rocking the boat'. I'm just like his mother in this so he's seen this pattern of behavior before. We're trying to change this. I need a partner, not an employee/ subordinate. And his thoughts and feeling are relevant to the decisions our family has to make.

There have been other struggles but I've found as we approach issues as a team rather than opponents we do so much better.

Anyways that's me/ us. I am adamantly committed to a good marriage. I will NOT give my daughter the life I was given. And just avoiding Divorce is not good enough. I want to be crazy in love with my DH for the rest of our lives. Thats what I love about the MB system. It gives us the tools to shape our natural tendencies to create just that.

This site has so many valuable tools. It saved me from a friendship that could easily have become an EA. I was in step 1 of that 15 step list to an affair and being here showed me how easily I could walk that path. It taught me about EPs so I can put them into place and affair-proof my marriage.

Can you get that I love this place?

But there is so much pain and anguish here too. So many people struggling with things I've never had to face, and I hope to use these tools to avoid those things. Infidelity, withdrawal, etc. I've been hesitant to post because who want's to take advice from someone who hasn't been there and done that? But so many of y'all are my heroes. I want to contribute, but I feel so small compared to some of y'all but we often learn best by teaching and conversing with others so I'm dippin' my toe in here.

Also I figure this would be a good spot for me to ask questions whenever we hit any road bumps along the way - keeping it in one thread as it were

Vibrissa,

You should pop into mamasita's thread and tell people there about this thread here. The likelihood is that no-one on that thread ever reads over here, so the people who have been asking for your story do not know it is here. That is why you have had no replies.

For the rest of you who post regularly in 101, I think you'll find Vibrissa to be a wonderful new member.

Welcome to MB! Glad you shared your story. Count yourself BLESSED that you haven't had to deal with adultery. It bites. But, don't let that stop you from giving an encouraging word! In fact, I think there are a couple of posters around here who have never experienced adultery and they still help out. In FACT, the OWNER of this website has never experienced adultery and he's the TOP advisor.

Your post was very encouraging, Vibrissa.

Nope, Pep, guess I'm not a lurker anymore huh? This is kinda scary! Lol.

Thank you Prisca. I am sooooo rooting for you and Markos. Y'all fill me with hope =-). You two could have an amazing love story of a life. Despite the past and where you are right now I can see the love you have for each other in your posts. It's there, it just needs some help and you're getting the best there is!

That is such a great story . . . I'm glad you shared, because I'm one of those people who has always believed that being "in love" was just a fantasy to let go of and not a worthy goal to persue, and that people who said they were "in love" were really just "in denial." Yes, sometimes I can be pretty darn cynical.

But here I am learning that being in love is real, possible and worthy. And since I've never had it from day one in my marriage like you do, I have to say that you are very lucky to have found that, and very wise to be using these principles to keep it.

Not everyone here has affairs; but the withdrawl and distance of one's spouse is an incredibly painful experience too. And it is a betrayal on a less severe scale. That is how it feels for me.

Glad you are here!

I heard a quote around the time I met my husband "Any good woman and any good man can have a good marriage." I thought it was silly but I think it's partially true: Any good man and any good woman with the RIGHT TOOLS can have a good marriage.

We've had our slumps where it just seemed things weren't going right, we were more on edge and struggling. Looking back at those times it's when we let the principles slip. We'd let date night go or let things get in the way of meeting needs. We always managed to come around and put the good habits back in place.

I can see how horrible withdrawal is - worse than being alone because then there is no expectation that someone be there for you. But it's so heartening to know that there's something you can DO about it. I'm all about action.

You guys are great!!!!!

On the contrary, you have been there (marriage) and done that (had a good marriage). You are exactly the kind of person Dr. Harley studied to create his program. And you are exactly the kind of person who can help all of us.

Including those of us who are here with troubles that don't include adultery.

And vice versa!

Hi Vibrissa,

Your story seems much like mine. We had some minor difficulties after having our first child but nothing major and I'm very happy we found Marriage Builders before either of us screwed up badly.
I too feel head over heels in love, after 11years together with my husband. We now have a 5y9m old daughter and an almost 2 year old daughter and despite all the stories from friends about it being so hard to stay connected with young children (and no family or friends around to help out or babysit) we seem to be managing it.
I just seem to get happier with my marriage all the time.

Rosy thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes I'm scared it will wear off and that things are so good only because we've been married such a short time. It's an irrational fear but it's there.

Your story makes me feel better. If it's this good at 5 it can be just as good after 11 years. If it can be this good with one kid, it can be just as good with two.

I just gotta keep doing what I know works.

Vibrissa, your marriage sounds so much like how our courting days were -- head over heals in love. We had that once. I so wish we had found MB before we lost it. It's refreshing to see a marriage work the way it should. It won't "wear off" if you keep doing the things that keep you in love.

We've had people point at our kids and say that they're the cause of our marriage falling apart. But neither Markos or I believe that to be true. It's not the kids fault that we've neglected each other.

If it's this good at 5, it can be spectacular after 11 years

Thats the beauty of the program and the human heart. You can have it again! That love is in you just waiting to come out!


Now that's just silly. I've heard people blame their bad marriage on their kids and it's just hogwash. Kids are innocent - they're just kids. Blaming kids is the easy way out - because you can't get rid of them and if it's their fault and not yours then you don't have to do anything to fix it. I'm so glad you and Markos aren't taking that route. You're the parents, your marriage is the foundation for your whole family.

You fix you, Markos fixes Markos and before you know it you'll be head over heels for each other AGAIN.

We got great advice when we got married. Just because you're married is no reason to stop courting. I won't stop courting DH til I'm 3 days dead, if then!

Vibrissa,
Saw the HIYA! link in your signature and popped in to read and say HIYA! back atcha. Your comments are great. You have a gift of insight and you are able to express yourself clearly and well. Please keep posting.

Love the way you say y'all (and spell it correctly also!).

Vibrissa (I keep wanting to call you 'whiskers'),

Our stories are very similar, although I'm a bit farther along than you in years. I found Marriage Builders before I got married (long story), but I can honestly say it has had an incredibly positive impact on my marriage. My H and I do implement most MB principles, although I'm the only one that reads MB.

MB principles are common sense, and it helps when you have a partner that by nature is honest and cooperative, a team player. And it helps hugely to find MB before major problems develop.

As far as posting when you haven't been through the huge trials that some here have--I understand your hesitation. I only post rarely on SAA for that reason. On the other hand, if you are familiar with and supportive of MB principles, and positive and encouraging in your postings, no reason you can't contribute.

Best of luck to you,
Martes

@turtle - Hiya back atcha! I love 'y'all' - it's a Texas thing =-) Seriously English, other languages have a second person plural, we need to get with the program!

@Martes, thanks for the reassurance. Also I originally wanted the name Whiskers, but it was taken =-( waaaaahhh!!!

Is there a facepalm icon? I LBed this weekend and I know better. At DD's last checkup her Doctor let us know we could start her on cereal. Emotionally I'm not quite ready for this transition (we've been exclusively breast feeding) - DH teased me a bit about this.

Then early last week I listed out several reasons why I felt we should wait on transitioning her. He said he didn't feel like the reasons I listed would be problems and he thought it'd be fine to start her on cereal. I reluctantly agreed (see here's where I messed up) and went to the store and bought her cereal. We tried feeding her the next few nights and each time it was a struggle ending with her screaming and me frustrated.

Here's where I messed up again- I started to feel resentful - that DH was 'making' me feed her when I didn't feel she was ready. I let that resentment simmer for 4 days until Saturday when I accused him of forcing us to do this when we're not ready. Bad, Vibrissa. DH didn't make me do anything - I chose to agree when I wasn't enthusiastic, I chose to not say anything when it wasn't working. Instead I chose to be resentful.

We didn't really fight - we almost never do. But it was clear he was upset with me and me with him. After cooling down we apologized and the next morning we figured out where we'd gone wrong. DH had assumed we were starting cereal and has been working hard to be supportive as I've struggled with feeding the baby. He thought I wanted to start cereal and when I listed my concerns he didn't think I was making an argument to NOT, he thought I was worried and tried to be reassuring and supportive.

Apparently he doesn't care either way. I never picked up on it and took his support for enthusiasm. I should have stopped and said I was feeling pressured and clarified what he wanted.

We together have come up with a plan for DD's feeding we both agree with. He's agreed to be blunt as to what his opinion is and I need to be ok hearing opinions that don't mirror my own.

This has been a struggle for me throughout our marriage. I'm always right of course /sarcasm... But it wasn't until I found MB that I realized that I have a tendency to just decide for us and that is that. DH has repeatedly said that it's been nice this last year to be able to voice his opinions and thoughts without having to worry that I'll ignore or disregard them.

It's very hard for me to hear opinions that aren't in line with mine in a relationship. We both grew up in Hispanic households and in many ways, the women are THE BOSS. It's just what we know and saw growing up.

My family jokingly tells a story that my grandfather once got upset that he had to bring home his paycheck every week give it to my grandmother and she gave him his allowance and then paid bills. My grandmother told him he could handle the money the next month if he didn't like it. After a month he meekly brings his paycheck back to my grandmother and gets his allowance. See, the women are the ones driving the boat so to speak. The women in my family average 5', the men mostly top 6' and yet they all step lightly around the women. I thought thats just how it was.

MB is teaching me a whole different way to relate to my DH and I think sometimes I swing too far the other way - in an effort to validate and accept my DH's differing opinions, I stomp mine down and go with his... and that doesn't work either b/c then I get resentful.

A lot of this has just been for journaling, but if anyone has any insight or help they could offer I'd appreciate it. I'm just not sure HOW to go about listening respectfully to opinions I don't share, in a way that encourages my husband to keep sharing opinions and then make decisions that will leave us both enthusiastic.

Larry, any cultural insights?

POJA has been more difficult of the MB principles for me to figure out.

Vibrissa,

I don't think anyone's mentioned this yet, but it would be awesome if your husband could join us and post sometimes.

Also, this is a good chance for me to bump your thread, since I see noone has answered your last post.