Your WIFE is wrecking it. They are upset about her affair. Your family did not have an affair. They are upset at her abuse of you and are very hurt about what she put you through. By not facing this problem, your wife is creating problems with your family.

Don't blame your family. Blame the source of the problem, your wife. If she is a big enough gurl to drive a car, she is a big enough gurl to take some accountability for the problem and make amends. Heck, even a 5 year old can apologize for his bad behavior.

Doesn't she WANT to resolve the problem and get along with your family? If so, she needs to get to work here.

Bingo, stop making excuses for your wife's actions by blaming your family. Your family did not have the affair, your wife did.

She not only betrayed you, but betrayed them. She has to fix the damage she has done to that relationship as well. Tell her you will support her, but will not make any demands of your family. The problem is not them knowing about the affair, the problem is the affair, and that's something she has to address.

You certainly should not own anything with respect to the state of those relationships. If she tries to pass that off to you, politely decline indicating that you believe it's best that she works it out with those family members.

I would certainly not accept ownership or any sort of blame shift for the state of those relationships between your wife and your family.

There are 2 ways to handle this. A bad way and a good way.

Bad Way. Tell your family to STUFF IT! I have forgiven her so should you. This path will only further alienate your family and expand the circle of wreckage from her affair. Your WW will learn nothing from this other than it is ok to hurt people and then tell them to get screwed when they object.

RESULT: complete alienation from your own family and an entitled, smug, unremorseful WW who has been protected from the consequences of her bad behavior

GOOD WAY. You and your WW go to family with hat in hand, on bended knee, and apologize for hurting them. Your WW can explain to your family what she is doing to make just compensation to you and assure them she will not harm you again.

RESULT: the beginning of a restored relationship between your WW and your family. The removal of conflict about your family in your marriage

If my son's wife had an affair, she would not darken my doorstep until she apologized to me and ASSURED me she would not do this again. Telling me to STUFF IT and get over it would make the problem worse, not better.

Years ago, my father was hurt because many of his friends didn't send Christmas cards right after his separation from my mother due to an affair.

Simutaneously, he was involved in litigation over someone scratching and denting his car. He was outraged that someone would do this to his vehicle and was pursuing whatever means necessary to get retribution.

I asked him, "Do you see how upset you are over someone hurting your car? Do you see how some people might be angry over you hurting my mother?"

Your WW hurt their brother/son etc. Badly. She needs to apologize sincerely.

Andy,

You chose to tell your family about the A. Now they feel they deserve an apology. It sounds like extended family is a big part of your life. Unless you want that part to suffer, your WW will have to apologize. HOWEVER . . . . you can make it all perfect and wonderful by standing by her side and voicing your support and love for her. A recovering FWW will do just about anything to make amends to her BS and restore the love in their marriage. That statement "just about anything" turns into "anything, period" with a loving H at her side.

One other thing to consider . . . has your family treated your WW poorly in the past . . . pre-A? If so, you could strenghthen the bond with your WW by talking about these things with the family as well while the A apologies are being made.