I have been gone after many months of posting. I thought we were all done, but things have changed at the last minute.

My wife and I had a date on Saturday for the first time in several months. She has been involved with OM for about 8 months and I filed back in late April for D. We have had very little contact with each other and she had been very clear that she loved the OM and wanted a Divorce ASAP. She has been encouraging me for months to date and move on with my life and in May I did. I have been with OW for a couple months and she found out. My wife is not at all happy and I am totally confused. She has called her every name in the book and now wants to consider reconsiliation...CONSIDER.

Setting aside ego and pride it is what I want to. She (in my opinion) has no right to be angry with me. I don't feel I have done anything wrong. We are in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs in the divorce process and she thinks I'm commiting adultry. Well, in the strictest sense, yes. But really!!! It was over, she could not have been clearer and now this.

The date was actually nice. We had a good time and for the first time in many months there was some intimacy. No sex, but we did sleep together. Now she is out of town on business and when she calls she is very angry about OW. Yet, she is not ready to break from OM. I told her what I wanted, but I also told her I want this done one way or another and I want it done fast. We have been together 11 years, have two children and there is still feelings, but she is entrenched with OM and I am done with it. She said the other night we are so opposite. With me, she feels safe and compfortable. With him, it's exciting and new. He (she says) wants to marry her. She is concerned that he is "by the seat of his pants". Another consideration is he is very well off finacially and could offer her a different life style. He lives 150 miles away and would have to sell his house and move to this area because of the children. She says he is willing to do that, but I can't imagine they REALLY know what to expect. It's been weekends and part-time without any real life influences. What happens when real life gets involved? What sucks is I had resigned myself and started to move on. Now, I have hope without resolve and it sucks. Is there any waywards out there who have delt with this and have advise?....thanks

Run Patriot, Run.

LG

RUN.... There is no there there. She is just angry that you have new woman which lessens her control over you. She doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

I hate to even comment, but Mrs Patriot is obviously in a fog. She wants to keep a foot in both boats, a classic example of how Dr. Harley describes a wayward spouse wanting to have one set of needs met by their new lover, and another set of needs met inside their marriage. Every quandary she faces, every false choice, reeks of selfishness.

She sounds like she wants to come back, but now you have complicated things with your Other Woman, so resetting her life with you is no longer a sure bet.

You also need to decide whether you are going to commit to an honest effort to save your marriage by offering your wife a safe place to come home. That means dumping your OW, telling your wife what you are doing and why you are doing it. Don't hold it over her head, as in, "If you don't... or we don't or... things don't work out..", that you have this other woman standing on the sidelines ready to come in and take her place. You have to get it in your mind that if things don't work out, that you are not going to even date for at least a year after the divorce is final, in order to give your wife and yourself an honest chance.

After you have done that, the two of you need to get on the phone with Steve Harley and let him set the rules for how you are going to unwind this.

See, if you dumped the OW she would probably lose interest in you. She just needs to run off the interloper.

So, she's clearly a crackpot, right?

Why are you not in Plan B to protect your emotions from this crackpot woman, again?

Plan B is not to bring the wayward spouse back.

Plan B is to protect you.

I have explained the relationship with OW and she knows that it is not serious. That if she is willing to commit, I will leave her tomorrow. She (OW) is a good person and I don't want to string her along as a backup. This needs to be resolved fast. It's not fair to anyone involved.

Sounds like she has the Dog in the Manger attitude, but maybe not. She may just want a foot in both boats. Let's face it: she is totally unrealistic about everything here right now, while in The Fog.

Either way, Mr Patriot needs to get rid of his OW so he can think straight. If his wife is playing a game, he will find out when he cleans up his side of the street and puts the ball in her court to dump her OM and get with the program. But either way, he needs to forget about all OW right now.

Your other woman is "not serious"?
She is as serious as your wife's other man.

You already are using her as a backup. You already are stringing her along.

And your wife is using you as her backup plan, stringing you along.

You are being as noncommital as your wife is. Things are already way beyond not being fair, and you can forget resetting that. There is a right way and a wrong way to dissolve a marriage, and this is all wrong, by both of you.

AGREE. You have no business dating while you are married. That is not fair to your friend.

I agree with Mel. I went through this Feb of 09. I thought for sure, based on WWs words and behavior that it was done and irreparable for us. I really lost all hope and met someone who I felt very comfortable with. Soon as WW found out she was calling me constantly, was angry and had terrible things to say about the woman I was dating even though she didn't know who she was. After a couple of months WW began to have problems with POSOM. She began being nice to me and eventually I broke it off with other woman. Low and behold, as soon as that happened, WW began with OM2.

Don't believe anything your WW has to say at this point. Actions are what count and if she still wants to see OM, she's not serious. She just wants OW out of your life. If you dump her WW will go right back to what she was doing. Since she's not ready to break with OM all she really wants is to see how much more cake she can eat.

I also agree with retread. You need to SOGOTP. If you're considering re-committing to saving your marriage then break it off with OW and stay in PlanB if that's what your in. At this point though I wouldn't stop the D either.

Okay, this is just a mess. You are right, it is not fair to anyone involved.

Most importantly it is damaging you. All these women are screwing with your head. (Vice versa, too, probably, but YOU are the one here, and I am concerned about YOU.)

Your wife is a lunatic. I can tell because she wants to keep her man but is upset at you for dating someone else.

If you can't tell that, then you really do need help.

Either way, you need personal recovery.

Your wife has screwed with your head for I don't know how long.

You absolutely need to execute a real, genuine, no-contact PLAN B right away, as soon as possible. Whether you intend to reconcile with your wife or not. Plan B is to protect you from this crackpot woman. She has got you so screwed up you are not thinking straight and are making destructive decisions.

You are in Plan C, plan chaos, which is the worst of all possible worlds. This is "sporadic contact, sometimes good, sometimes bad." This is not the well-defined carrot and stick of Plan A. It's just a mess. Dr. Harley tells you this is absolutely the worst chance you have for saving your marriage. It's also screwing with your head and the heads of two women.

Get into Plan B. Plan on it lasting two years.

During that time -- DON'T DATE!!! Not just because you might recover your marriage, but because you are so utterly susceptible to having a woman play headgames with you that it is just dangerous for you to date. Some OW is going to come along, wrap you around her little finger, and get you where you don't want to be again.

You don't need to date again until you have completed your own personal recovery. It's just too dangerous.

Start Plan B, take two years to recover, get your divorce finalized, and then date. And please date a lot of women before committing to any one of them and becoming sexual with them.

I think that Mrs. Patriot needs to bat first. SHE needs to dump OM, put NC in place and show some sincere effort before Patriot should consider dumping his OW.

Give up on the marriage, or not. Your choice. Either way, get BOTH of these women out of your life for awhile, and learn to be a complete man by yourself. Only then can you find a woman who's not a nutjob. (Or set the bar high enough that your WW can live up to it and cease to be a nutjob.)

Thats not using very good judgement. How is that fair to the OW to be the default position? And how is his affair any different from hers?

I agree with this. Any woman who would date a married man in the first place is not the brightest bulb on the tree and probably doesn't have a high regard for marriage. [and apparently neither does patriot by virtue of the fact that he is dating while married]

After what he has been through, he needs to use MORE discretion in any woman he chooses for a relationship. Set the bar higher, not lower.

Seriously, Patriot, you are jumping right back in to letting another woman screw with your life.

That is not really a fair assesment. My wife and I are seperated, have had no real contact for months and I have known this women for a while. We agreed there would be nothing until the marriage was over. Yes, I am offically not divorced. But I certainly was not married. I see no comparison between what I have done and her affair. She encouraged me, told me repeatedly to go and do this. Now I'm suppose to feel bad about it?????

The best advise I've heard is to tell OW, which I will do. It's not fair to her and she has done nothing wrong. It will defenitly end us, but so be it....she deserves better than this.

Are you having sex with her?


I don't know that you should feel bad. My question is do you really think that jumping into a relationship with another woman at this point is healthy for you? If so, why?


That's probably good.

I think you deserve better, too. I think you need a real recovery.