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Ouch? No, no, let me explain. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8507_fft.html "Ouch? No, no, let me explain." by Steven W. Harley, M.S. Ed and Nancy were really enjoying themselves at the Wilson's party. They had not been out together in weeks because of how busy they have been. They even were able to have the babysitter they most trusted to watch the kids. Things were going very well. As Ed and Nancy stood together talking, Ed felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see who it was. As he turned, he felt his elbow hit something. "OUCH!" someone yelled. He turned around to look at what the commotion was and noticed Nancy holding her nose with a look of surprise on her face. "Why did you do that?" she questioned Ed. "Do what?" As he looked closer at her nose, it began bleeding. "Oh, my goodness, honey. How did that happen?" he asked. "How did that happen!? You elbowed me in the nose is what happened!" she said with a subdued yet angry voice. Ed looked closer at her nose to see if it was broken. Meanwhile, a friend brought a damp rag for the blood. "Look honey, I don't understand why it should hurt so much. In fact, I'm not sure why it should hurt at all." Ed stated. A shocked look came over Nancy's face. "What!?" "Listen, you know it was an accident, don't you? Of course you do. You know I would never do this intentionally." he said with a Perry Mason like attitude. "So, if I had no intention of hurting my beloved wife and if you accept the fact that this was just an accident, then the pain should go away and everything should be fine again. See?" Ed said. He then stepped back with a strangely confident smile on his face. "Now," he continued, "this is a rare night for us to get out. Let's not spoil the occasion. Besides, it's in the past." --- Tempted to hit him back? Of course hitting is not the answer. However, you can clearly see that Ed lacks the ability to understand the true nature of what happened and what he should do about it. Amazingly, this type of logic is used all too often between couples. Not with physical pain, but with emotional pain. How many times have you heard your spouse, or you for that matter, say "Oh, you know that's not what I meant to say." or "No. You just heard me wrong." There are countless variations on this theme, but the message is the same: If pain is caused unintentionally, then the pain should not exist. What Ed should have done was to acknowledge that it was his elbow that caused the pain, demonstrate care by attending to the wound, and, even though she knows that he wouldn't do such a thing intentionally, he still needs to apologize for the pain he caused. Ideally, he would also let her know what he is going to do differently in the future in order to prevent this from happening again (future protection). Sounds like overkill? Hmm... If you think so, then your Taker must be reading this. Food for thought... Steven W. Harley, M.S.
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The pain you unintentionally cause your spouse - still hurts your spouse. Saying: "I did not mean to." is NOT enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am the former queen of this love buster. 
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If you find yourself saying: "I know I've hurt you, but ....." Go do this ~~~>  and make the correction. No " buts".
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Isn't that what people do though, make excuses, come up with reasons for what they do. That is just human nature.
Married 3 yrs
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Isn't that what people do though, make excuses, come up with reasons for what they do. That is just human nature. Avoid doing things that hurt your spouse. MB 101
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We tend to judge others by what they do, while we judge ourselves by our intentions.
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Good intentions have to count for something, don't they?
And of course I want to try and avoid doing things to hurt my spouse. I try and avoid doing things that hurt anyone, but sometimes it just happens.
Married 3 yrs
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Good intentions have to count for something, don't they?
And of course I want to try and avoid doing things to hurt my spouse. I try and avoid doing things that hurt anyone, but sometimes it just happens. And when hurt happens, your intention is moot. Your intentions do not soothe the hurt. Excusing yourself via your intentions, will not stop the bleeding. That is the point. Thanks for your posts sbethCO.
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I'm still trying to figure out how they got such a good babysitter.... 
Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
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I understand that intentions don't stop the bleeding. What I'm saying is that we hurt people by our actions and our words everyday. We hurt; friends, spouses, relatives, coworkers, and complete strangers all of the time. Most of the time it is unintentional, sometimes a mere byproduct of an emotional reaction, competely accidental, and the occasional on purpose. What I am saying is that intentions go to the true character of someone.
Friend x does something that upsets me. If I know their intentions were good, it will make it easier to heal and relate to that friend again.
Friend y does the same thing, but they didn't seem to care as much, and their intentions are not positive, the feeling will be different towards that person.
For me it comes back to a persons overall character when they do or say something.
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What I am saying is that intentions go to the true character of someone. Intentions are not measurable. Behaviors are measurable. A drunk driver usually intends to get from point A to point B. There is no intention to hurt others. But, it happens. What you are talking about is mens rea. A guilty mind. My H said to me: "I never meant to hurt you." after his adultery was discovered. I'm sure he was correct about his "intent". The damage was huge. His intention was moot.
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If you find yourself saying: "I know I've hurt you, but ....." Go do this ~~~> and make the correction. No " buts". True, but what if you don't know how to make the correction? I've been stuck there for years. Finally coached onward by Steve Harley recently. You see, as you just said: What I am saying is that intentions go to the true character of someone. Intentions are not measurable. Behaviors are measurable. Some of us have GREAT intentions and are CLUELESS re: behavior. So, once your intentions are straightened out, do this: So, here�s how to act: when your wife comes to you with ANYTHING she wants to know, anything that�s wrong, anything that indicates a conflict, anything that smells to you like a threat to recovery: FIRST, make sure you have an understanding of what happened, what�s worrying her, what you did, etc. SECOND, achieve empathy by understanding why she is hurt: �This is how you got hurt?� �This is why you got hurt?� �When stuff is moved around in my car, it worries you because it looks like somebody has been in there?� Validate her on the fact that she got hurt. Don�t do or say anything to give her the idea that you think she should not be hurt or would like for her to get over being hurt quickly. (No matter how much you do feel for her pain and want her to feel better. This is not the time for apologies.) Both of these steps are all about being a good conversationalist and using conversation to investigate and understand your spouse. Seek understanding. THIRD, express apology: �I am sorry that I gave you cause to worry by moving things around in my car!� No defensiveness, at all. That means no defending yourself, no matter how you feel. We don�t need to determine who is right or wrong; what matters is her feelings! Defending yourself even includes these statements, which my crappy instincts would have told me sound thoughtful: �I didn�t know� �I didn�t realize,� or their cousin �How was I supposed to know?� It�s all about her and what she feels at this point, not about you and what you know. LATER (possibly MUCH LATER if she is still reeling from the hurt), offer to have some discussion and brainstorming and negotiation on how to make sure it never happens again. These steps are not from me, this is from Steve Harley, although I will not promise I took everything down correctly or typed it up correctly. This is the "how to" that many of us feel we are missing, even when our intentions are right. This is the behavior we're looking for.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The pain you unintentionally cause your spouse - still hurts your spouse.
Saying:
"I did not mean to." is NOT enough. What about "I did not mean to, so let's not ruin the evening?" or "I did not mean to, so let's get back to recovery?" or "I did not mean to, so why are you hurting?" What if you throw in a Selfish Demand for good measure? Will that help? I am the former queen of this love buster. You are kidding ... I was convinced this was a man-only thing. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos, it is YOUR FAULT I started this topic. 
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I guess I just still don't understand the idea. To me, some of those things just don't seem very practical.
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I guess I just still don't understand the idea. To me, some of those things just don't seem very practical. WELCOME to MARRIAGE BUILDERS sbethco Don't worry, we coolaid drinkers can be difficult to understand, at first. Keep reading. 
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I guess I just still don't understand the idea. To me, some of those things just don't seem very practical. Are they supposed to be practical?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Where does the road paved with good intentions lead?
You can have the best intentions in the world - doesn't matter when you've hurt someone.
So often intention is used as an excuse for bad behavior. We think it's our get out of jail free card. 'But I didn't MEAN to hurt you.' We say - as if that should somehow stop the hurt. As if somehow that should absolve us from rectifying the mistake or apologizing.
Intention is often used as an excuse when all it is is a reason.
No matter what your intentions are if you hurt someone you apologize, you make restitution, you avoid doing it again.
True character is determined by behavior, not intent. To think otherwise leaves you open to abusive behavior. If I think my spouse would be happier if they do X this way instead of their way, I'll be tempted to use SD, AOs and DJs to get that - but but but my intentions are good! I just think this way is better! I want to help them.
But in your intent to help you've become abusive. That is your character, not the intent.
DH used to jokingly tell people I never wanted to get married. He'd laugh and say he changed my mind. He was proud of the fact that he 'won' me. He treasures and loves me. I know that. However every time he would tell the story I'd hurt. Because I felt he was mocking my very real trepidations about marriage, I felt he was making light of the fears, motivated by my past, that convinced me I didn't want to marry.
I knew he didn't mean it that way. Didn't make me feel any less hurt. I thought like you, beth, that since his intentions were good it should be ok. I would politely smile when he told the story and cringe on the inside as my love for him diminished a bit each time. Then I realized I just didn't want to be hurt anymore and I was doing him a disservice by not telling him, by using his good intent to allow him to behave in a way that hurt our love.
So one day I told him about it. He profoundly apologized. He explained that his intent was just to demonstrate how proud he was to have married me. I told him I knew that. He has never once told the story again.
He didn't try to justify and tell my I should see it as the compliment he meant it to be. He didn't try to tell me I should change my feelings. He didn't try to argue that what he did was good or right because his intent was good.
He stopped the behavior because it hurt me.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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CWMI- I consider myself to be a practical person most of the time so practicality is important to me.
Vibrissa- I understand what you are saying and that makes perfect sense. But I have to ask, Do you see a difference between these 3 scenarios
a. someone who hurts you, but didn't mean to because what they were trying to do had good intentions
b. someone hurts you, but actually meant to
c. someone hurts you, didn't mean to, but doesn't really care either, because it doesn't effect them
None of these scenarios I am considering physical hurt, just emotional.
I know that none of these are good, but I believe one is better than the other.
Married 3 yrs
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