I learned in March about my H's affair with my sister nine years ago. H and I told our teenage children about the affair.

My sister and her husband have chosen to not tell their children.

Our kids and their kids are teenagers and are close cousins, especially the girl cousins; however, we live a few hours away from one another. The cousins have not seen each other since the affair was revealed to me and my kids.

We are staying at my Mom's for a few days this week, and the cousins will be seeing each other for the first time since disclosure. I have ceased all contact with OWSister, and my kids will of course not be in their aunt's presence.

My daughter is so excited to spend time with her cousin but feels anxiety because she knows about the affair while her cousin doesn't.

I have my own ideas about how to guide her about this stressful situation but would like to hear yours since many of you have great words of wisdom.

What do you suggest?

I may choose to show this thread to my teenage daughter, so maybe it would be helpful if you spoke directly to her.

Note: H and I have been counseling with Steve Harley, and we've spoken to him about the tough time our daughter's been having with this horrid situation, but we forgot ask him about his insight/recommendation about the predicament my kids are now in since they know but their cousins don't.

Also, if you know of resources such as a book or a forum for kids dealing with adultery, please share with us.

I think it would be so great if betrayed kids could share with one another and get support here, similar to the way betrayed spouses do.

For example, I think my daughter would really benefit from chatting with someone that's gone through this such as FaithandTrust or Pepperband's 21yo daughter.

Well, hmmmmmmmm

I think I would counsel my daughter this way.
If asked a direct question, an honest answer giving very limited detail is the best response.

Example:
Cousin: Why can't our entire family get together and have holidays as a big family like we used to?

DD14: Because my Dad and your Mom had inappropriately physical contact years ago.

Cousin: What do you mean?

DD14: Ask your parents. They know all about it.

Something like that.

If no one asks or questions the status quo, I don't think it is in DD14's best interest to volunteer anything.

How's that sound?

I am thinking out loud here, but I think it is despicable that the cousin's parents have decided to lie to her. That is not something I would endorse. No one is obliged to enable their lying by ommission.

I would not enable them in that regard.

That is not fair to the cousin and it is certainly not right to ask your DD to enable their lying by ommission. This is critical information about that young girl's family that is being withheld from her by a selfish, self serving, cruel wayward. That child can't protect herself from her own mother if she doesn't know.

The whole world cannot be counted on to aide and abet the lies told to this child about why her mother cannot be around her aunts and cousins. That is a very unrealistic expectation.

That girl is going to hear about this eventually. In my opinion, it would be better to hear about it from her cousin who knows the facts and who loves her.

The whole world cannot be expected to cover up the sick behavior of this cousin's mother. That is not their job to aide and abet a wayward's dirty secrets.

PS

I think it is highly likely this will be discussed.
In fact, they may have danced around the topic previously.

So, I commend you for preparing your DD14 in advance.
That is GOOD parenting.

What about putting in a call to your BIL and telling him that your daughter will NOT lie to the cousin to cover up her aunt's crimes? Tell him that your DD will not be giving any false explanations for the reasons behind this split. NO CAN DO!! Maybe dishonesty reigns supreme in their home, but not in yours.

Give him a chance to tell the girl the truth himself so she will be prepared when she sees your DD.

Either way, your DD should not be asked to enable your sister's whitewashing of her crimes. No one should do that for your scumbag sister. Whitewashing her crimes is not in the sister's best interest or in her daughter's best interest. NO ONE BENEFITS.

I agree with everything you wrote.

But I feel it's a grossly unfair burden for a teenager to be placed in the position of having to be messenger of such life altering news.

I have told her that under no circumstances she should lie. None of us will lie to "protect" the adulterers.

But lying by omission is still lying, isn't it?

Ugh.

I betcha your neice already suspects something but doesn't have the full story. I agree it is unfair for your DD. I think it is even more unfair for your sleazy sister to expect everyone else to lie for her. What a jerk.

I wouldn't put my daughter in the position of telling.

I would tell her first.

She is YOUR niece.

Call your BIL and inform him that you are not going to put YOUR daughter in an awkward position...that you are going to tell her yourself. Unless...he wants to be the one to do it.

Give him the choice...He tells her ...or you do .

committed

I told him on the phone several weeks ago that we told our kids the truth. He was shocked. I told him that my daughter stated she has no desire to discuss this with her cousin now, but that might change in the future, and that will be up to her, not us.

I told him that I understand it will be harder for them because they both have much more to reveal than one A. He said "what will they think of their mother?"

Since that time, I have also ceased contact with BIL. He's been really nasty to me through this, mainly because I exposed the A to my entire family and to a couple of S/BIL's friends who I felt deserved to know because of A/inappropriate relationships S had with other men. Here's a snippet of an email BIL sent to me:

I would like nothing more than our kids relationship to not be significantly hindered due to our spouses actions. How do you expect me to allow that when you taint the minds of your children with lies. (No clue which lies he's referring to.)

The reason (my daughter) cried for hours last night was because of your actions and yours alone.

Your response to this whole ugly mess speaks volumes to your true character. Your actions have been malicious, vindictive and controlling at best. (<<< This because I exposed to a couple of their friends and called his wife some nasty names.)

I too am hurting, the major source of that pain comes from you and your malicious and selfish actions.

His pride is hurting ... is what it comes down to. I have no use for either of them. He will be of no help.

But you see, this is the picture that's painted of me because I told the truth ... and of my daughter if she were to tell the truth. He will shout from the rooftops that we're malicious, vindictive, controlling, selfish if my daughter speaks a word of this to her cousin.

Now, the rest of my family doesn't believe what he's spewed, but they also don't really understand MB principles. A couple of them don't "get" why I would tell those others about the A. They don't get why it's my place to reveal the truth.

It's just an extra sucky situation that it's family.

Your husband needs to be the one to tell niece.
Not you.
This is his amends to make.
He can apologize for his 50% of the adultery.

Now that I think of it, this goes for my H as well.

..........
and this, right here, is why your H needs to MAN UP and TAKE ALL THE BLAME.
Not you.
Have H call BIL.
Have H speak to relatives.
Not you.
Not you.
Not you.
Not you.

That's a better suggestion.

I felt that an "adult" needed to be the one to do it...not another young girl.

committed

Wow. I do not feel comfortable with that at all. I know my husband won't be either.

Maybe we should table this until we get guidance from Steve Harley.

Again, our daughter will not lie if asked a question. I told her she should respond with "you really need to ask you mom about that" regarding any question that's asked.

It is your husband's place to protect you from this by doing the truth-telling hisownself.
Along with making his amends.

And, if your husband refuses or delays ........
Your problems are much greater than names your BIL calls you.

Your H is comfortable with you taking flack for "fixing" what he broke?
Not good.

H sent the following letter to each of my family members. He also revealed the A to our close friends. He has spoken to/apologized to most directly.

--------

Nine years ago, I made a terrible decision to engage in a thoughtless and selfish affair. I'm writing to apologize for this and for the pain and grief it has caused and will continue to cause you and the entire ___ family. My actions were careless, and there is no excuse for what I did.

I am totally committed to W and am working to repair our marriage through counseling and other steps. I have hurt my wife so deeply, and I know that her healing from the affair and the pursuant cover up will be a long journey. I will do everything I can to help her heal. This was a double betrayal to W by two of the people she loved and trusted most, and while I know I can never completely make up for what I did to her, I give you my word that I will do my best.

W is the most precious woman in the world and someone I am truly blessed to have in my life. She in no way deserved this poor treatment. She has been nothing but loyal and loving to me for 21 years. I adore and cherish her. She is the love of my life. I had never been unfaithful to her prior to 2001, and when I came to my senses and ended the senseless and moronic affair, I made a vow to myself that I would never be unfaithful again. And I haven't been. I have been ashamed and remorseful about my actions ever since; however, I failed her again by not confessing my infidelity immediately. Because of my lack of protection for her, she unwittingly placed herself in conversations and in situations she shouldn't have and never would have if she had known the truth. That lack of protection was yet another invasion on her and our family and has led to much hardship over the years. I have promised her and our kids to protect them better.

I am so very sorry for the anguish I have caused you and for the hurt this will be for your family. Because I was behaving selfishly, I did not consider the long-term ramifications my poor decisions would have for my wife, my kids and the ____ family. I am fully aware of the ramifications now. Family celebrations and times of sorrow will not be the same. Sadly for W, she will be guarded about which events she'll participate in, and understandably those will only be gatherings where she's confident her heart and our family are protected. She will need and appreciate your support with this.

I know W has made one request of family members and that is for us infidels (accurate description) to never be given a platform to discuss "our side" of any part of this horror story or its aftermath. I know that wish has not been entirely respected so far, so I'm humbly asking you to do everything you can to respect that wish from here forward. Please understand that despite good intentions, discussing facts or perceptions about historical or current events relating to this matter only makes healing extremely difficult and in the future will only serve to reopen wounds in the victims including W, BIL and our children. They are the ones who deserve our care, support and love. I've learned that engaging in toxic discussions disguised as genuine concern was how I got myself into this mess in the first place.


My affair is my deepest regret in life, and lying to W about it is my second. I will regret these decisions forever. I hope in time you will see my remorse through my actions and that some day you will see in me the excellent husband I intend to be, the one my wife and children have always deserved.

Sincerely,
H

Your H, when he was an infidel, put his sexual desires before the wellbeing of children from both families.

If anyone should tell the niece, it should be your H.
His choices did damage to the niece.
Not yours.
He can send the same letter to her.

By the way, I meant to ask.

HOW OLD IS THE NIECE?