This is my first post here and hoping to get some help with my situation. I'm in my mid-thirites, met my wife 7 years ago, been married 6.5 yrs and have a 2.5 yr old daughter.

When I met her things, were good with us though as I got to know more about her, I found out her family history was horrid. Her dad neglecting her, parents divorcing at 14 yrs old, her step dad sexually harassing her, her being raped and her losing a child during childbirth (trisomy 18 baby).

After marriage her father (who I now disowned as a father-in-law) was trying to break up our marriage, since he was good friens with her ex-bf. Needless to say for about 8 months she was sneaking off and seeing him while verbally abusing me. I was on a roller coaster during this time and after two counselors telling me I was in a parent-child marriage with her, something needed to be done. I finally set boundaries and things improved.. Or so I thought.

After our daughter was bornthings were good for about six months. Her verbal abuse started again and went on as a daily basis. I was an 'awful dad' and was a 'waste of space'. Her anger would get so intense and at things that did not justify that behavior. Getting called names every day and during the downtime, she acted like nothing of those things were said.

To say those awful things to someone on a daily basis and then to talk to them as to have a normal conversation still baffles me. I honetly believe she thinks this is a norm, it's what she grew up with.

The verbal as with the emotional abuse. No sex, and the once every two months we had it she refused to kiss me. She doesn't hug or kiss me or give any sort of compliments. I'm not a bad-looking guy, I get compliments from other women and when she's seen this in public she'll make some snide remark 'Oh, she doesn't know the real you'. I'm thinking, me? I'm not the abusive one here.

I was taught to never hit a woman, yes I have lost my temper and yelled but never threathened her physically and never went over the edge (like punching walls, etc..). In the 6 years I've known her I could probably count on one hand the times I insulted her. To her, she does it to me on a daily basis.

The physical abuse then started. My daughter was one years old, I was at top of the steps. My dog was barking and she got pissed off at me for it. I told her 'You could have brought her inside, I have my daughter in my hands'. She then tried to kick me twice, I was only about 2 feet from the top of the steps. If I would've fallen my daughter and myself would have been injured badly.

A few months after, we were at my daughter's drs. appointment when she left the room. We had to get to another appointment at the hospital (my daughter has medical issues) and we were going to be late. She wanted to use the phone in the room to call the other department, in which I told her the 'red phone' is not for us to use. I saw her eyes light up, knowing what I was in for. When we got into the elevator she took her long nails and pinched as hard as she could on my neck.

Two months later, she was in the kitchen and noticed she was upset. I walked in holding my daughter. I asked her what was wrong, she then turned with a knife pointed at my stomache. She had this really pissed off look in her face and made a small jabbing motion while grunting.

This past wednesday she went off the deep end w/ her verbal abuse and then physical again because I cleaned up the bath water that my daughter splashed on the floor with 'her' towel. It was just an old towel, but a towel my wife uses after a shower. I was hit a few times and called multiple names.

Saturday night I went out, my folks had our daughter. It's a local place down the street, she came out later (wish she would've sayed home). I was talking to some people and she was playing pool. After the place closed as we were walking home at 2:30am, she started yelling at me (there was a woman talking to me while my wife was playing pool). She started accusing me of wanting to sleep with her, etc.. I was telling her that I was talking to both guys & women and reminded her that she was playing pool w/ a bunch of men in which I didn't care.

She then started walking in front of me, hoping that would be the end of it. I was wrong. She suddendly turned around and closed fist punched me in the mouth. At that point I took another route home away from her. I took a long time to get home so I didn't have to deal with her. As I got home, I heard doors slamming from just standing outside the house. I knew she was upstairs so I opened the front door to get my german shepherd.

The reason I did this, is because in the past she told me if I ever reported her to the police that she will tell them its self defense and would even injure herself to make it seem like I did it. I figured with my shepherd next to me, if she were to come after me, he would defend me.

She opened the front door and saw I had my dog, she was berating me some more but I just ignored her. Went to bed on the couch.

Next morning she acts like what she did was justified. That it's not abuse if I don't show scars. She actually said this, and reminded me that she would turn it around if I ever called the cops.

I told my parents, they don't know what to say, I wrote a letter to a close friend of mine to keep in case something were ever to happen to me. With her anger I believe she has the ability to hurt me, to what extent? I don't know.

My fear is with my daughter, in losing her. My wife can be extremely vindictive. We did goto marriage counseling in the past however she did not follow any of the advice, and when the counselor wanted her to see a psychologist for her behavioral problems, she quit counseling promptly and doesn't want to go back.

As for her abuse, i'm numb to it. I know I can't let it affect my own self-worth but it's hard at times. It's not a matter of finding someone else, just the thought of losing my daughter even only getting her partially really hurts me. I just don't know what to do next.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you're here under such circumstances.

A woman who showed up with the same story as you would be told to take the child and leave for a safe location while filing a domestic violence complaint or restraining order. I don't know how it works in your jurisdiction; I really think you should speak to an attorney or the police and find out what your options are. Don't tell your wife any of this - she just needs to come home one day and find you and your daughter gone.

I'd get several voice activated recorders (VAR) and hide them around the house. That way your interactions with your wife can be recorded for your safety - so when she says she'll just injure herself to make it look like you did it, it's on tape and can't be denied.

Was the baby she lost yours or someone else's?

Was she sneaking out with XBF while you were married? Is she still seeing him? Have you checked?

Thanks for your reply. I live in PA, so I am assuming if I just take my daughter she'll charge me with kidnapping. I have the house in my name, when we got married she didn't want it in hers (I owned it for 6 years prior to that as well).

I will have to use the VAR, i've recorded her on my phone before when she goes off but the quality isn't the greatest.

The baby she lost was someone else's, before she met me. The thing w/ her ex-bf ended before my wife got pregnant, that thought has come to me as well but my daughter and me look/act exactly the same.

If I contact the police about this, letting them know in advance that she might pull this card about being self-defense is this something they could actually use or would it hurt me?

I know there are some real awful stories about women being abused, but it does happen to us men as well. It's really hard because people who hear about the guy being abused, well he must've deserved it somehow, right? What's even worse is that my wife will even try to explain and justify her behavior.

My wife blames me for making her so mad, that she's never been with someone that makes her want to hurt them so it's not her. This is the type of rationalizing that I have to put up with.

She hid this so well while we were just friends and if it wasn't for the psychologists telling me that the issues were with her, she probably would've at least partially convinced me that it was actually my fault. I know my wife is abusive just for that reason, her persistance that this is my fault. I cause her to do this.

One other thing I have to mention. She is in massive credit card debt, I don't have any. Before we got married she came to me saying she was in debt for $2,000. I wrote her a check for that amount, I wanted to start on the right foot.Well I found out after the wedding that she lied, she was in $6,000. She is only making minimum payments. The cards are only in her name, i tried setting up credit counseling but she won't follow through. We have seperdate checking accounts, I have about $20k in mine, I don't trust her fiancially, she thinks as long as she can make the min. payments she can afford it. Now I found out that she has been taking my checks, forging my name and writing cash out to herself.

Can I have her arrested for this? It has happened multiple times. I pay all the bills in the house, her pay goes to her car school loans and credit card debt.

Carry a recorder on you at all times and record the threats and the interaction with her.

If she does this to you, she will do it to your daughter. I recommend that the next time she hits you or threatens you with a knife that you get your daughter and go to a shelter. You would not be the first man to go to a shelter.

I understand where you're coming from and your confusion on things. I had a fiance that beat the snot out of me in a drunken fit and was physical with me on more than one occasion.

I think that her abuse needs to be documented and her threats need to be recorded. I strongly advise you to see a lawyer as well.

Has anyone ever been a witness to this abuse?

You really, really need to start documenting, recording, and taking pictures of her attacks on you.

How in the world would she be able to charge you with kidnapping?? That's YOUR daughter!

Actually that is accurate, there are some legal implication around this. I think his wife would have to OK him taking the child and know where he was going. If she didn�t have knowledge of it he could be charged with kidnapping. Based on this story I would not trust this woman for one second. Cover all of your basis. A legal council would most likely know more about the details regarding this issue.

Definitely consult a lawyer. I would say file for a separation, but PA doesn't have legal separation...beyond that, I only know that it takes two years to force a divorce on someone who doesn't want it. So talk to a lawyer, protect yourself and your child. You *may* have to file for divorce to have custody awarded temporarily.

The MB advice in abuse situations is to remove yourself and do not return until you have been assured by a professional (mental health pro, that is) that your abuser is safe to return to.

Meanwhile, since I gather you don't feel you can pick up and go immediately, I suggest you remove everything from the house that can be used to seriously harm/kill you. Anything sharper than a butter knife, fire pokers, iron sculptures, oh wow, I wish I could walk through there and show you all the weapons. Not a very nice 'education' I got on household weaponry (from ex, not current H).

Once you are as safe as you can possibly be, I suggest you ponder whether or not going out to bars to shoot pool without your spouse is wise, even if she did show up later. Was she invited? Was there a reason you couldn't wait for her? How often does that happen? Did it happen much before she got all nutters on you? I'm not saying that what she chooses to do with her hands or her mouth are your fault AT ALL. I'm just asking you to ponder your contribution to the state of your marriage. It will help you in the long run, with her (if she gets help), or with someone else.

That's fraud at the minimum. How long has this been happening? I suggest talking to your bank, the police and your lawyer. And while talking to the police about this, also mention the abuse you've been seeing at her hands. I am not a lawyer, but I think you have a very good case here to have her removed from your home and barred from returning by a RO.

You need to consult a lawyer. Women leave with their kids to shelters all the time. It isn't kidnapping when they do.

I strongly recommend you consult a lawyer and go to a shelter. Tell the lawyer everything.

I also recommend you request to have this thread moved to "Surviving an Affair".

Many more posters there.

Thank you all for your advice, I definetly have to contact a lawyer. I have asked her in the past to leave the house, to move out, that I would actually give her some money to get started. She told me she would never leave, that I would have to present divorce papers first. And even then she has told me that she would make things difficult.

What's strange is that she isn't like this all the time (verbal, physical) and there are days where she is actually (what I call) normal.

She has still yet to apologize to me, in which she never does. She continues to act like what happened was no big thing. Do abusers do that? I mean where one day they can do these awful things and then the next act like it really never happened? If I bring it upto her she gets very defensive and usually starts in then with the insults.

The place I goto (only sat. nights when my folks have my daughter) is to meet up w/ friends. Even though i'm unhappy in the marriage, I do have morals and woudln't cheat. And it really doesn't matter what i'm doing, even if I stay home all night she will find something wrong with that as well. To her, i'm a disappointment and nothing more. I literally can't remember the last time she complimented me, kissed or even hugged me, it has to be years.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to leave the house, I pay all the bills, why should I and my daughter have to uproot ourselves when it's us that are being mistreated? Is there any possible way that I could have her removed from the house? My thinking is that I might have to press charges in order for that to happen in regards to the check forgery.

She started that last year, did it a few times. I threatened her that I would call the police if she continued, so she stopped. Then a few months ago it started again. She took about $200, she says she'll pay back but I know i'll never see that money.

My other concern is her credit card debt, from what I understand even though the cards are only in her name that I will be responsible when we divorce? I the only way I wouldn't is to go through the statements and prove that the items she bought were just for her and not the family. It's just disheartening how one person can just ruin another's life like this.

She's been on antidepressents for almost 10 years, I would think being on the same med. for that long would have some serious side effects? I just see this as something that is getting worse and one day she is going to do something really awful.

It just bothers me so much that this is the same woman I fell in love with, someone who was completely different than who she is today.

Well, Silveron, I think you understand what it is you have to do, you just don't have the heart yet to do it. This will just continue and get worse. She hits you, you do nothing. Soom it'll go to weapons when she sees that there's not enough physical damage to suit her.

Yes, you definitely need a VAR, probably save you from going to jail. You can't be charged with kidnapping for taking your daughter out of the house, it would be a legal issue however if you denied access to your child without a written court order. I wouldn't call the police from your house when you want to leave, I would take your daughter to the nearest police station or public place where there would be witnesses. You call from home and the police will probably arrest you. When you go to the police station, you need to let them listen to any recordings that you might have. While not admissable in court, they can be used to help you get a TRO. I would also show proof that she has committed forgery and have her charged with it. Ensure that you stress that you are afraid to sleep in the same house that you fear she may kill you. Is your house yours from before your marriage? If so, and if she is employed and never contributed towards the mortgage or upkeep, it will be easier to get her out of the house.

In the meantime, I would get all of your affairs in order. Ensure she has no access to your bank accounts, if she does, open a new one in your name only and change your direct deposit. If you have joint credit cards, call the company(ies) and have your name removed, if they refuse, call back later and tell them you lost your card and want to put a freeze on the accounts. You are not responsible for debt in her name only. BTW, why are you leaving checks around for her to forge? Make sure that any and all important paperwork is safe - as in a safe deposit box at the bank.

Also, pack enough work clothes and keep the suitcase at work or at a family member or friends house that you can trust, that way if you are denied access to your house, you won't lose your job. With it keep some money orders made out to you so that you have emergency funds.

See a lawyer today!!!

BTW, be prepared for no one to believe you and have it turned around on you, That's why the VAR is very important. And she's not going to change no matter what you do. She needs help, probably knows it, but refuses to see a professional because she's afraid to lose custody of her child and the money source, which is you. Get out, Silveron, take it from one who has been through it.

Bump to see how you're doing. Did you contact a lawyer yet? Did you get some VAR's? Are you on the track to getting your abusive wife removed from the home?

Silveron, how's it going? Please respond back even if it's nothing to report, that way we don't think that the balloon went up and you ended up temporarily incarcerated.

Nothing you try to do to change your wife is going to work. She needs professional help, and until she gets it you take the chance every day that something's going to happen and you're going to get blamed for it. You would not believe how easy it is for an abusive woman (which 90% of America believes is an oxymoron) to turn everything around on you to get you out of your house and no access to your daughter - so quick it's like sh*t through a goose.