Hi everyone!

I have been a lurker for some time on this board and I have finally decided that it is time to come out of hiding. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess I'll start from the beginning of my marriage. H and I met and fell in love very quickly (engaged within 4 months and married 10 months later) and pretty much dove right in head first from the get-go as far as emotional connections go. I had a pretty rough childhood due to divorced parents and remarriage of both. H was my rock! He helped me through most of my baggage. He was always there for me to lean on and I will always be grateful for that. We were the best of friends and I loved him more than I ever thought possible!

Fast forward 8 years and now we are married with 2 beautiful DD. H is a wonderful dad and a great provider, but not that great at being my H anymore. I feel disconnected for various reasons and BEG him to go to MC with me or to at least acknowledge that we are not happy. He refuses to do either. After several failed attempts at reaching out to him, I started to look for attention from other men. I KNOW I WAS WRONG! I am not making any excuses. It was horrible and I should have just been strong enough to leave him instead of being unfaithful to him. This went on for two years with me having kissed 3 other men besides my H. Finally, September of 2009, I met another man and began a texting affair that led up to one night of a full PA. I then began to trickle-truth my H with details of my various unfaithfulness, starting on our 10 year anniversary to the day ending last summer when I told him the entire truth about everything.

Anyway, where we are now is that he is now aware of all of my indiscretions and he has confessed to a few of his own during the false recovery from October until July of last year and several since. His indiscretions were with a "friend" of mine. He continues to this day to be friend with her, as well.

OK, so long winded post, I know. I guess I just need support. I have decided that my marriage and my H are absolutely worth fighting for. After much back and forth, I have decided to Plan A as much as I can until he realizes the same thing. He has finally agreed to go to IC because he knows that he is at rock-bottom. What is the best way for me to help meet his needs without draining my LB$ completely?

I have read HNHN and we did all of the questionaires, etc. He just doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore and I want so bad to be able to be the wife to him that he deserves!! Thanks in advance! This board has been amazing for me and I appreciate you all so much even though you don't even know me. WPG, especially, I have been following your thread religiously because I feel we are very similar.

Peace to all!

RD74,

Was the OMW told of this affair?

Did you get tested for STDs?

Kissing is huge for some men btw, I can't tell you the last
time my W kissed me with any real passion, it is harder to fake
kissing than most other kinds of sex.

God Bless
Gamma

I just wanted to tell you, I think it's great that your not giving up and TRYING. I am in a simliar situation and my wife is still here but doesn't feel like she really wants to do be. I think we truly love each other but beyond that I am not sure..She thinks I only married her because we had a baby..but the truth is regardless of why we got married and the what if's..there is no one else I would rather be with and it took her having an affair to make me realize this. I think if she had voice her happiness and shown it and gave me an ulimatlium it wouldn't have taken an affair for me to understand but it was the ONLY thing that would make me understand the pain she went thru becuase of mine.
Good luck and don't give up!

Thanks, Gamma!

I know that when it came to kissing other men, for me it was about attention from other men. I missed making out with my H since it was very rarely that I did.

I know that he feels betrayed by that, but I think for him it is more about the lies that I continued to tell him after I realized what I had done. He doesn't trust that I have truly become a different person in the last 6 months. I also lost my mom to leukemia in Nov, so trust me the life changing experiences have been plenty lately. I just want to know how I can rebuild his faith and love.

Lmwsc, thank you so much for posting. I am praying that my H will eventually realize that he wants to be with me and that we can have an amazing marriage with hard work. For him, he just doesn't think the reward is worth the effort. Man, I miss my H!

Sorry, on the BB, so it isn't easy to post.

Gamma, to answer your question, both H and I decided not to tell OMW because it would affect the kids (kids in same school and very close friends). Otherwise, there has been full exposure. We also both have been tested and are both clean. Thanks again for any help/advice!

RD74,

decided not to tell OMW because it would affect the kids (kids in same school and very close friends

Ouch this indirect contact may be keeping your H in a state of pain, I know when OM4's daughter calls my wife or sends her a card it just kills me.

Did your H give the guy a beating? OM will continue to cheat on his wife.

God Bless
Gamma

You realize, then, that they may find out some other way, yes? Truth has a way of coming out.

Omw has a right to know

No, it has not been exposed and it is wrong to withhold this information from the OMW. Your children should be told too so they understand why you have to avoid this family. They should not be friends with these kids anymore because that exposes you and your H to them. To do so is to put their family at risk.

Tell the OMW, it will clean the slate as grown ups so you can then do the grown up thing. It will also help them to do the same.

Glad your here for help and H too, exposure seems hard and you might think your protecting everybody, but the truth works best and has the best chance of clearing everyone conscience, and blazing the way for true reonciliation for all.

I truly do appreciate everyone's advice. As far as my husband getting triggered by seeing the OM, unfortunately that is the case. H has told me that he does not want the kids affected by this anymore than they have been already. OMW knows of some of the details but not all. H wants it that way. I have already hurt too many people and I have left it up to him as far as what he wants done. That is the ONLY reason that there has not been FULL disclosure. Otherwise, everybody else in our family and friends know. The kids are far too young to know the details of who and why Mommy and Daddy are having issues. H OW used to be one of my closest friends and her and my kids spent lots of time together before all of this. I know how damaging that situation can be because my Mom's husband used to be a family friend as well.

I am trying to put this all behind us. My kids deserve so much better than what they have gotten from me and I want to give them what I never had .. a safe, stable home life with a Mommy and Daddy who love and respect each other. I know there is no "reset" button, but I am trying to compensate for my behavior by being the best wife and mother I can be. I just want H to come around and want the same!

I'm sorry raindancer, but I'm seeing a lot of wayward justification here. Either you're going to clean this slate or you're not. Hiding things and hoping to put it all behind you like it never happened will not clean this slate.

Here's what I'm talking about, with my response to you in color:
Then why would you leave them in a position to be blindsided by this knowledge somewhere down the road? And it WILL come out, raindancer. Things like this always do.
Is this because you tried to tell her everything and she refused to hear it? Or is it that someone alluded to the A, and you know she has an idea of it?
No, they're not. And kids usually have an idea that something is wrong. They tend to assume it's something they are doing, or have done. Why would you leave them with this false belief?

It's just not that easy. It's now a part of your marital and family fabric and needs to be addressed as such.

Agree, leaving this information out from those kids is very dangerous down the road, if you do not see this then I am sorry there will be no such thing as a full recovery.

With all the triggers your H is feelings, and the lies to your children it wont be good.

The only way to fix that is to tell the OMW and your children.

No more lies please.

hi raindancer, I have been sort of lurking the boards lately but saw where you'd been following my posts and thought I'd chime in.

As for exposure, I've attempted exposing to OMW but don't know if she ever received the email I sent her. But I will also add when my H told me he was separating, I told his mom and his sister the truth. I didn't want them to think the separation was his fault, because my infidelity was the ultimate cause. I don't have to lie to them anymore, and while they may hate me for what I've done, that is their choice. My family, friends, pastor, my husband's aunt, they knew from the beginning. I had to confess again to them when the PA came out, because I'd been lying to them, too.

If I've learned anything, it's that I can't control what other people do. That has been the hardest lesson for me to learn - that and PATIENCE. I still struggle with both. With my H gone, I still feel like there must be something I can do to bring him back.

I know what you mean, that you miss your H. I miss mine, too. I don't know what advice I can give as I have probably lost my H for good...learning from the mistakes I made, I suppose, as I think sometimes our recovery is a guide of what not to do...But you MUST keep your Taker under control. I could do well with that for a while, but my problem was every time I would see a glimmer of hope, I would want the whole ball game, right there, right then (that's where the whole "Tommy Boy" thing came from!). I wanted him back and I just knew we could be better than ever and I was so ready for that. Like me, you trickle-truthed your H and your words now are meaningless. You have to show consistency through your actions. That means, unlike me, avoiding expectations.

Another thing - your "friend" is a threat to your M. Your H does not need to continue to be a friend to this woman and neither do you. That's where the issue of boundaries, EPs, and opposite sex protection plans come into play.

It's a hard fight, but the reward is worth it. I still believe that a recovered M with my H is worth any cost. I hope we get there someday, and I hope the same for you and your H.

RD, if you are your H is running into OM often, and the kids go to school with each other, then I think you live too close to each other.

May I suggest moving to the other side of town, or to a new town if the current one is too small. This will help you expose everything to OMW and to the kids.

Wow! So much information! I am so appreciative of everyone's thoughts and advice, believe me. Let me clarify a few points for you.

I wish I could fully expose to OMW. I want to! H doesn't want to. She was told of the texting, but not the PA. Isn't that ultimately his choice to make??

I did expose to my family and after reading some of the posts on here, went to his parents and told them everything and apologized for hurting H and them.

I see what you are saying about the kids though, I think I may need to come clean to them sooner rather than later. However, do I tell them of H affair as well or do I let him decide that? I am so confused. I caused all of this pain, but isn't he responsible for his own actions too!? Ug!!

WPG, I know exactly what you mean by patience! H is constantly telling me that if we didn't have kids, we would be divorced and that the only reason we are not is because we can't afford it financially. I don't want a loveless marriage, but how do I convince him that we don't need to be stuck where we are and that we can work on it together to be better?

As for "friend", that is the one sticking point that I am having the hardest time with. He refuses to stop talking to her. Since this started he has tried NC 3 separate times, but it never sticks. I don;t think they are more than friends at this point, but it hurts just the same. I have nothing to do with her as I think she is pure evil for what she is doing to my family!

Wheels, we can't move because H would never support that decision. We love where we live, worked hard to get there and the SD is fantastic.

I know what everyone is saying about trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. I really am not doing that, though. I have spent the last 6 months trying to meet all of H needs and compensate for my part in the disaster that is my marriage. I have been doing this, knowing that H doesn't want to be with me and that he is having his EN met by "friend" as well! Help! What do I do next???

BTW ... WPG, I feel like you are reading from my diary with this statement!! That is exactly how I feel! Never thought of the Tommy Boy analogy, though!!!

Thanks again!

You tell them everything, no lies, no secrets, they need to understand that they are not the blame of this mess.

I am prepared for the 2 x 4's. I know I must sound stubborn and that I don't want to do what it takes, but trust me when I tell you that if I tell the kids everything and OMW, it will only make H angrier and drive him further away. I know my H .. that will not help anyone!!

Thanks again for everyone chiming in!