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Summary for all the people that don't want to read lots of lengthy pages: Married - 13 April 2007 Kids - No My age - 24 Her age - 25 WW met OM1 one week after I deployed to Afghanistan. He approached me on Fri (7 Jan, 2011) and informed me "I'm sorry, but I slept with your wife. I should have told you earlier." They "broke up" in July, I suspect because OM2 was in the picture. I returned from Afghanistan in late May. I knew something was wrong, but didn't trust my instincts. Went to one counseling session, not much accomplished, started looking into being a better husband. WW volunteered for a deployment, training started in July 2010. WW met OM2 in while attending training for the deployment. OM1 drove to WW to be together, got into a fight, and said he hasn't talked to her since. OM2 is in the Army, and was scheduled to arrive to the same base my wife is in Jan 2011. (probably already there) Discovered OM2 through text message in August 2010, 2nd day WW was back from training, 2 weeks before she deployed. My emotions ran wild, but instantly resolved to rebuild our marriage. Wife said she just didn't want to be married anymore. Went to two counseling sessions, and spent a lot of recreational time (her primary need) together before she left. Exposed OM2 on Nov 10th. Last email I have received from WW is on Nov 13th, stating the following: "Maybe you shouldn't have told them because I asked you not to. Or maybe because you said you wouldn't. But when have you ever kept your word about anything?
<ME>, if I had even just been entertaining the thought of trying to make this work you just ruined it.
I'm going to start filing my paperwork next week. " Have been trying to remote Plan A as best I can, but she is in Afghanistan. I received a message from a mutual friend who is deployed with her stating: "She is in a weird place and is seeking the attention of men.
She surrounds herself with those that support her. My wife was helpful in identifying what was going on, so when I was hanging out with <WW>, I was very careful to not give her that kind of attention.
If I said anything to <WW> about suggesting she get back together with you, I would just be on her alienated list. And that doesn't help anyone.
<WW> seems to have missed out on the whole sowing oats phase of life. Try not to worry too much about her over here. It is very difficult to get alone time." Her primary emotional needs: Recreational Companionship Sexual fulfillment Admiration Affection Conversation I have received one phone call since exposure, no emails, and maybe one-two chats a week. If I post something affectionate on her facebook, she deletes it. I send a daily "I love you, I'm thinking of you, I care about you, I miss you" email. I have sent a few care packages, and a few letters. (I actually need to send one of each here soon, I've been slacking really bad) I just found out about OM1 last Friday, even though he occurred "first." It's made me question how long my wife has been cheating on me. Two quote someone else "I've thought about quitting 1,000,000 times, but the important thing is I decided to try and save my marriage 1,000,000 + 1 times." She gets back around the first week of April 2011. And that's where I currently am. Exposure didn't do anything except make her mad. She has a support network built at her deployed location, that only know what she tells them about me. So no pressure from anyone. Her Mom finally said yesterday that should would start telling WW that she needs to work on her marriage. I'm still in love, still wanting to try and rebuild it, on the roller coaster.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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So I'm looking for things to put into a care package, and I'm trying to find a good romantic movie that conveys a good message.
Any suggestions?
I was thinking Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind.
We have both watched it together, and I like the whole "starting fresh" idea. My wife has often related herself to Clementine, to the point that she likes that name as a daughter name.
Think that will hit her heart nerve?
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Alright, ordered both Eternal Sunshine and Fireproof.
Just watched Scott Pilgrim vs the World. I don't know if that's a good one or not to send.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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Trying to add more stick to Plan A, how do I say without being disrespectful that I want to her establish no contact with the OM's.
What ground do I even have to stand on to say that if she doesn't want to remain married?
How do I ask her who "Supa Dave" on her facebook is? (I think its OM2, made a new account when I asked her to remove him)
I am struggling with how to do these things without them being love busters.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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Chatted with her today. Here goes: me: Hey
Wife: hi
me: so how are you?
Wife: good
u?
me: alright
so why were you in such a good mood yesterday?
Wife: can't talk about it
suffice it to say, i work for a three letter agency now
me: mmm
Clank took his hat off today, and I scheduled an appointment to get the window for the car fixed
Wife: ? whats wrong with it?
me: the crack that was always in it
it didn't pass smog because of that, so now I am getting another one
So how do you feel about your new job?
Wife: i thought b/c it's a newer car it didn't need smog checks?
and did you mean the windshield?
me: This is CA, it needs to get smog, and yes the windshield
Wife: mm
me: I'm taking care of it though
Wife: ok
me: so how do you feel about your new job?
Sent at 7:33 PM on Friday
me: <wife>?
Sent at 7:35 PM on Friday
Wife: sry
working..
it's really cool
i'm pretty excited about it
me: too bad its only for a few months
and not the whole time you were out there
Wife: yeah
oh well
Sent at 7:41 PM on Friday
me: I am working my best to meet your needs, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Its really tough with your being away.
<wife>, it really hurts me that you continue to have contact with Dave. The relationship formed with him, is going to destroy our family.
Wife: what family is that?
me: You and I.
Our cats lol
Sent at 7:47 PM on Friday
Wife: i think any semblance of a family was gone a long time before i met him...
me: And your are probably telling me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.
I am working to provide the semblance again.
Its not an overnight "fix", in fact its not a fix.
Sent at 7:51 PM on Friday
me: I don't want things to go back to how they were, because that led to the unhappiness we are both in.
Sent at 7:52 PM on Friday
me: But we have an opportunity, to rebuild our relationship, find that love that was most definitely there again, and become close together.
I think there will be some real happiness in that, equal on both sides.
Sent at 7:54 PM on Friday
me: I know you weren't happy before you met him. Or any other guy. But I'm trying, and I have to be honest to you in saying that it really hurts to see you still having contact with him.
Wife: well starting next friday i'll be working w/ him.
me: There are ways you can change that.
Yes, it tears me apart almost daily to think that he is there with you, and I can do nothing about it. But I'm still here, still trying, forgiving you, and wanting to work together on our marriage.
Sent at 7:58 PM on Friday
me: I am committed to you, and am working on making it work, even with all we've been through. Getting no encouragement from you, but I'm still going. That's how much you mean to me, how much I truly love you. So I said all along, you are the best part of my life. Well, I meant and still mean it.
I love you <wife>, goodnight.
Wife: I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way.
night I could use some encouragement right now, I'm pretty drained, especially thinking she won't talk to me for a while now. I feel like I just pushed her away. FML.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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You can't talk educate a ww stop educating her, just meet her need and nothing else.
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So do what about the other guy?
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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I would agree - stop talking about the relationship..it's draining both your love bank and hers.
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Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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Plan a does not mention to educate her only to meet her needs....does it say start repairng the marriage? Or start recovering it? NO!!! Because she is a ww and is still in an active affair you can ONLY start repairing the marriage when NC has established....
Plan A
Meet her top needs
But also let her know you still don't appreciate her seeing other manthen quickly change the subject ''would u like a piece of pie?''
You are doing exactly what wheels did and each time he wanted to talk to me and educate me about recovering and reparing the marriage he pushed me away!
So my advice is...
STOP EDUCATING HER AND START MEETING HER NEEDS WITH NO EXPECTATIONS!!!
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One more thing...don't tell her ''in trying to meet ur needs...'' right there u just withdrew from her love bank why??
Because she doesn't want u to meet her needs...don't tell her just do it!
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Hello Woot, Just to remind you... Your plan A will have little effect UNTIL you kill the A... You MUST use the STICK in addition to the CARROT. You now know WHO her affair partner is... You have your friend who is deployed with her for information from there... Go to www.usmilitary.about.com/od/justicelawlegislation/a/adultery.htm and read the ENTIRE article under Uniform Code of Military Justice, General Article 134, paragraph 62. You can put heat on your WW through her superiors talking to BOTH her and the OM. I would also mention to them that if the inappropriate contact CONTINUES that her SUPERIORS might want to turn to the MB radio broadcast you will be doing where you discuss THEM and their lack of attention to their military duties in detail AND that you hope it can be taken care of at their level and that it won't be necessary to take it to THEIR superiors. You could also tell them that you believe Dr.Harley is currently trying to address the military situation through possible legislation and that your situation might be IDEAL for further exploration and public exposure in the media as an example. If they are doing a great job in promoting morale and discipline in their ranks they should REALLY appreciate your exposure to the public of their excellent leadership! You have GOT to kill this affair business by making it unpalatable to her superiors or you really are not going to have any chance of recovering your M. God bless. Jim
Last edited by Jim_Flint; 01/15/11 07:16 AM.
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Thank you for all the replies. It means more than you know.
You are all very correct in saying I need to stop educating. I keep searching for an impact, and pushing "look what I'm doing, come back." I need to stop, because it only hurts matters.
I strongly feel that right now there is no stick for her due to isolation. I'm worried there might never really be a stick. Her chain of command (and his) has been or will be here very shortly informed of the affair. It comes from my commander himself, so it carries a whole ton more weight than just me calling. (military is weird like that)
But when I say I fear there might not be a stick, she doesn't have friends here. Literally. Well she made one, OM1, and I don't think he will help matters. Her friends there are her support group, and are all friends with OM2. Her Mom says that my wife just changes the topic, and she doesn't want to anger my wife so she doesn't press the issue. Well, she said she would try more, I'll have to follow up with her, and thank her regardless. My "friend" there is unwilling to get into this. So I really feel helpless when it comes to stick. I realize that it cannot be me providing both carrot and stick, because they will cancel each other out.
I asked above about movies, and someone mentioned fireproof. I bought it and watched it, cried most of the way through. (yea, big strong man, laugh it up) but won't that be considered educating if I send it right now?
But again, thank you for the responses. Where would you go from here?
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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I guess the obvious answer to the above question is meet her needs.
My plan to do so:
Recreation - Gift certificates and flyers to activities around here. Like dinner, or skydiving, or go cart racing etc. I've also got a hiking book that I studied and highlighted some hikes I want to go on, I could send it to her saying which are some ones that interest you?
Sexual fulfillment - uhhh, really have no clue on this one.
Admiration - this will have to be through emails and letters. Saying how I'm proud that she got picked up from a three letter (god I hope it's bot because of OM2)
Affection - emails and care packages. Gotta reinforce that I love her.
Thanks y'all.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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So what happened Woot? You read Jim Flint's post and you say nothing? I thought he had some great perspective in that post, don't you? At least you could have responded to him with a little thank you. Come on, he offered some very insightful advice.
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Well I am sorry you feel I brushed it off, because I certainly didnt. As I said in the post immediately following his both of their respective chains of command (their commanders) are being notified. So the UCMJ that he linked to is being put to use. I appreciate everything he wrote, and I have indeed read through everything he linked.
There is a question that I had about his post I forgot to type up, where can I find out about Dr. Harley's push for legislation. I would love to get in contact with him if he feels he could use my case. I'll continue to try and search for it.
And again, I am very sorry to anyone if I gave the impression that I just blow off what you say. I'll try in the future to work on making it not seem so.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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Woot,
I don't know if the legislation has progressed any farther than being considered by Dr.Harley or not. I think it's a fantastic idea and first learned of it in a post by Mel in a thread called Resentment towards OM overwhelming by want2recover on 12-13-10. Hope that helps.
God bless.
Jim
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Jim, thanks for all the help, I really feel bad that you and others might not think I am appreciative. I've followed every single piece of advice you've given me, as best as I can. I actually just got done writing my wife the daily email you and scotland suggested, and I have almost saved up enough to purchase a road bikes for us.
I feel like I have been failing at meeting her needs recently in a big way. I haven't sent a package since before Christmas, or hand written letter for that matter.
I really need to pull my head out of my [censored] or I'm going to lose her. Not meeting needs, and pushing her away. Ugh. Someone slap me.
Sapphirereturns, thanks for your constant presence and guidance.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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I'm pretty depressed right now. No one event has triggered it, just a compounding of things.
It's more of a sense of worthlessness than anything else. My marriage, lack of people to turn to, house being a mess, inadvertantly pushing people away (including y'all, who just want to help), my failures, etc, etc. Its all just adding up, to the point that last night I was literally having to tell myself "Just make it through the night."
I talked to my wife twice since Friday, the first conversation we just chatted about work and she seemed to be open to conversation. Which is a little strange, because I was expecting her to be standoffish after that conversation where I was educating her. Then on Sunday night I was utterly exhausted from snowboarding for two days, but I still logged on to say "Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. I'm really tired from riding these past two days and I'm gonna try and fall asleep here soon, but I wanted to get on just to say: I love you, and I miss you. Goodnight" She replied with "Mmm, goodnight."
I talked to her Mom yesterday, and she told me that she had talked to my wife a few days ago. She said the phone had cut out 3-4 times during the conversation. She said my wife was tlaking about going to Penn State medical school (other side of the country) and she tried to bring us up and the phone cut out and my wife didn't call her back. She said the next day she sent her a facebook message saying she didn't want to get in the middle of it, but that we should work it out. My wife didn't reply to that.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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