I met my wife over twelve years ago when she was still married to another man. Our affair was by far the most romantic and fulfilling relationship the both of us had ever experienced, and we soon started fantasizing about starting a life together. This went on for over two years, during which her marriage fell apart more and more, and when she got pregnant from me, it was the final push for her to seek divorce.
I supported her and her three kids (who were in their early teens then) despite living out of state, and traveling on business "alot" (like 90% of the time). Eventually, I got a job where she lived and we moved in together. A year later, we married. So far so good...
Soon after we married and bought a house, things started to change: The stresses of raising five kids (three of hers, plus two of ours), balancing home life with work took a toll, and soon, my thoughtless behavior (yes, the "taker" was tightening his grip) caused her to constantly nag, [censored] and moan, and the wonderful, out-of-this-world love we once shared got blurred out by the constant conflicts we seemed to find ourselves in, almost all the time.
What made matters worse is that I kept making promises I could not possibly keep (like, "I'll change my ways", "I won't be thoughtless anymore", etc, etc), so much so that she couldn't believe me anymore, and started calling me a hypocrite and worse. Eventually, I started to fight back, trying to get my point-of-view across, trying to explain myself, trying to justify my behavior (by essentially blaming her), which made matters even worse. We would go for long periods without even talking, then when we talked, it would always erupt into a fight, because she wanted to "get it into my head that I was killing the relationship." Of course she was partially right, because my behavior was a major love buster, but God forbid I mentioned that hers was too!
We've had short periods where things were better, and we even made love - as good as it's always been (SF is actually a shared EN of ours - I do consider myself lucky in this respect). But, the intimacy of SF never carried over into the daily grind, because neither of us stopped pushing each other's buttons. One of her main complaints is that I have never been there for her when she needs me, which is true - I just don't "feel it", and thus my wellmeaning attempts to support here don't feel genuine to her.
To make a long story short, we have now lived like this, separate rooms and all, for over two years, and I am sick of feeling trapped in a marriage where I get no affection outside the bedroom, and where my wife essentially excludes me from all family activities.
Before I stumbled across Dr. Harley's website (don't ask me why I googled "save my marriage"!), I was seriously thinking of seeking a divorce, just to be happy again, and to feel like myself again. What has held me back, is that I still love her, and I can't stomach the thought that some other man would take my place by her side. And for the record: I know for a fact that despite me not having met her needs for such a long time, she has not even looked elsewhere. Neither have I.

But I am not willing to settle for a life of withdrawal and co-existence.

And so, I started reading stuff on marriagebuilders.com, and it all makes sense. I am a very cerebral person, and I get it.
I just feel like I will be the only one working to save our marriage now, because my wife seems to have settled for withdrawal.

I need help in formulating a plan to bring us back from withdrawal, fast-forwarding through the "conflict phase" to intimacy. Major help, please!

Um... yeah.

You just poked a hornet's nest, buddy.

I'm going to do you a big favor and tell you that you probably aren't going to get much help here.

You're in an affairage, not a marriage.

There are many people here who have had their lives and families destroyed by someone like you.

You destroyed a marriage, ripped apart a family, took three kids away from their father, and married your affair partner. And you're wondering why it's not working out.

Hmmmm.....

Affairages are based on a foundation of lies and deceit. They turn out badly, almost every time. That's just the way it goes.

And if you think this is harsh, just a wait awhile and see what else comes along.

Have your wife read what you wrote...what do you have to lose?

Wow, what chutzpah for you to post here, or perhaps **EDIT**

You didn�t have any qualms about destroying the ex-husband of your wife, contributing to the breakup of their family, and probably minimizing the presence of the guy in his kids� life. Now you find it happening to you. This is probably what happened in her first marriage, and one can only hope that history repeats itself in your case. maybe she'll find another beauty just like you to fool around with and get pregnant by. I find it ironically amusing that you find yourself in this predicament.

**EDIT**

Hopefully my saying the truth doesn�t result in this post being sent to the Home for Not Ready for Primetime Posts.

**EDIT**

Okay, I really hope this doesn't get edited by the moderators, because that's just plain funny.

I don't know writer1, I don't get many threads that really piss me off. Believe it or not, that was the edited version.

Obviously your post is triggering some posters. Opening up with your affair, was not the best idea when so many hear have lives torn apart by affairs.

However, you seem to have a good handle on the problems in your marriage, and open to marriage builders techniques.

Of course it would be much better to heal your current marriage, than have two more kids hurt by divorce.

I hope some posters step up and give you the help you are requesting. Keep reading the articles, order the books, or better yet, call and start counseling here.

DeppJones

First, I'd like to applaud you for your willingness to be so open and radically honest about your situation. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

And contrary to how some view your relationship and how it started..it IS a marriage..and yes even one worthy of saving..




This can be a good place to start, but have you considered calling the Harley's personally or even asking your wife to participate in their program in order to save your marriage? You need to do that..


And that's okay if your the only one working on it to start with..sometimes that's what has to be done..


There is no 'fast-forward' through the conflict stage..you need to work through it..so that the issues the two of you are
having the conflict over can be worked out..

Be honest with your wife, let her know your scared about the direction your marriage and going and you don't want that..you want to make it work, even if it means getting counseling.

One thing your going to have to do though is learn to be a man of your word..stop making promises and not keeping them..

When was the last time you and your wife had some undivided attention? When was the last time you went on a date just the two of you? If it's been awhile..then you probably need to start there..

I would think that Openness and Honesty is going to be a major thing you need to work on. Like other said, your marriage is based on lies and deciept. You have alot to overcome.


So you need to stop the Love Busters. Stop fighting back. Worry about what you can change in yourself. Whate are you being thoughtless about? What are you being hypocritical about?

How pathetically sad for you. It's like saying that the best meal you ever ate was the spagetti dinner you stole from the soup kitchen. It's not romantic in the least and sharing her with her husband makes it about as unfulfilling as a relationship can ever be. The cream on this crap pie is the destruction of three children's lives all because you misconstrued lies, deceit, betrayal, destruction, vulgarity, gross adulterous sex, etc. for romance.

Didn't anyone around you tell you that this was a horrible idea?

Didn't you see the karma bus forthcoming?

Have you no shame whatsoever???

You are really going to come to an infidelity website covered up with victims of what you did to your wife's poor ex-husband and in the first sentence CELEBRATE adultery. REALLY????


My recommendation is for you to go to a website that specializes in custom disguises. If you've got even more money maybe hire a hollywood special effects guy to make you over into another person and THEN with a new identity, approach your wife for a relationship. She's obviously more excited by someone NOT her husband....so become THAT guy. Have an affair with your own wife. Maybe you can impregnate her again too and ruin another kids life.


Mr. W

That is your opinion. I disagree, STRONGLY. I find this to be a very vulgar thread. The fact that this "man" chose to post on a forum that does it's level best to help the victims of adultery break up affairs is just further indication of his disregard for others. Nothing has changed.

I would bet that the children whose family was destroyed as a result of this sick union would NOT agree that "Our affair was by far the most romantic and fulfilling relationship"...UGH...

My sympathy is reserved for those kids and the BH.

Mrs. W

I know, right?

I'm sorry to pick on you, ThornedRose, but I must tell you that I do not think that "courage" is the appropriate word to use regarding this OM. Words that come to mind for me are "vulgar" - "thoughtless" - "cruel" - "selfish" and a plethora of other negative adjectives. But "courage"? No, not even close.

It is not courageous one bit to come here and crow about how beautiful adultery is. That is disgusting.

Mrs. W

For now, I leave you with this: What began as adultery, continues as adultery. There is no statute of limitations on adultery. A marriage certificate does NOT legitimize adultery.

Mrs. W

I feel so sorry for the children who are going to end up paying for this couple's actions.

Shouldn't we point out WHY those posters are "triggered" though? If you take a look at the posters, both WS's and BS's, they are triggered by nothing other than a sense of decency. Decent people are supposed to be outraged at injustice, as they should be. That is a sign of decency. This man committed a very cruel act against the betrayed spouses and their children, so I am amazed that you would focus on the posters here and not his cruelty and selfishness towards his victims.

To the OP, do you know that Dr Harley gives affairages a very low probability of success? The very traits that made your affair possible, thoughtlessness, dishonesty, eventually destroy the affair. The greatest tragedy of all, of course, are the children. Their little lives are wrecked on the alter of a vile affair. They are taught that anything is permissable in the pursuit of personal "happiness." Anything goes.. How morally confusing to children.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that I could never stomach "helping" someone in the pursuit of an affair. I couldn't live with my conscience. And whenever affairages show up on this forum I always wonder if one of their betrayed spouses has sought refuge here. Can you imagine how that BS would feel if we helped his WW mend her affairage right within his sight? Asking us to do so is the same thoughtlessness you exhibited when you were wrecking your families, IMO.

Adultery is about as "romantic" as 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen. The fact that you would view it as such speaks to your level of fogginess. It is no surprise that your affairage has been eroded by thoughtlessness and selfishness, that is it's foundation.

It has survived for a very long time on the fumes of a long gone fantasy infatuation.

The name of this site is Marriage Builders. I for one never thought of it as first and foremost an infidelity site.

He is married and innocent children are at risk. He asked for help.

No one should help him that feels uncomfortable with his situation. But why would someone help?

Because he is another human. We have all done something to mess up our lives. We are all capable of hurting those we are supposed to love.

I agree he may need to understand how his relationship begun has brought it to the dismal place it is now.

Unless he is breaking forum rules, or a moderator redirects him, who are we, guests of Dr. Harley on this site, to say disparaging things to him? I don't think we have to condone his past to give him some direction, unless it is against the rules.

Well friends, THAT is what we call irony.