Dr Harley recommended that I plan B after divorce.
Do I send a Plan B letter to my wife after divorce?

Thank you, this is exactly on point! I separated from H on 5/29/17 and thought I was doing Plan B, but then got in this board and was shown that what I was doing was actually a cake eaters dream come true so I made a lot of adjustments, which did have an impact because it made WS come back with false offers of reconciliation and caused me to break from my plan B on several occasions, but luckily have not been tricked into false recovery (at least since starting plan B).

It's been sometime for you now, what is your perspective at this point?

Thanks for the update chalkncheese, so brave of you to move away! Def would make the Plan B situation easier and make WS feel the total loss of his family. You are right to that the contact with them prevents them from feeling the full effects of their actions and will delay the epiphany that is needed. That is what I am struggling with right now though with my WH. He has been out of the house for a month, sees his children he claims are his top priority for a grand total of 8 hours a week, out in public. All friends and family against him and OW is married with kids and still living with her husband so she cant be occupying that much of his time - but still no epiphany from him only a few half hearted attempts. But I think that my plan B breaks have contributed to him not feeling the total loss yet, right now he claims he is still in the "figuring himself out phase." Ugh

Mimi,

I am headed back tomorrow from my 2 week training exercise, so I havent been able to follow along. So, forgive me if I am not up to speed.

I too have counseled with Steve Harley. I have read all of the stuff from the Harley's. And as you know, my wife is home now and we are working on our recovery.

That being said...it may be time to break out the 2x4 on you (and maybe even LadyLou...sorry girl, most of the time we agree...but Mimi is way to close to screw up now).

Correct me if I am wrong...you sent a Plan B letter, right? It said NC between you and him until OW is gone for good, right? What's the problem here?

Your WH KNOWS the way back. As you said, he remembers your great Plan A. OOOHHHHH how he remembers. Each day that the OW continues to LB and look like the ugly toad, is each day that he can remember his life with you, and the time where you showed him his future with you (Plan A). That is the whole Plan A idea. To put in his mind what can be. But, as Steve Harley has told me before, rarely can you do just Plan A. Most of the time, it requires Plan B to bring them out of the fog.

You know the jargon, so I wont repeat it (about saving your love for him, your husband gets stuck having his needs met by OW, etc). All of this is absolutely true.

So, Mimi has done a great Plan A. Then, she goes and does a reasonably well Plan B. And predictably, your WH is following the script and being led out of the fog. Why is this hapening? Seriously, ask yourself why these events are now happening. Try to put yourself in your husbands shoes. It goes something like this...

Now fully in Plan B, originally (early on), it was a relief to have the constant reminder of his failings (you) in front of him. It was nice to think that he was finally going to be able to be alone with her and maybe see what happens. But, from the moment this quiet time started, something began not to feel right. Left to their own devices, the two of them begin to let their guard down and show their real selves. There is no longer an outside enemy to their relationship.

But wait a minute. Now that you can look at it from the outside...oopppps, I can see a small crack, an enemy within put in place by Mimi. What is that enemy? It is the combination of Plan A in his mind, and that damned Plan B letter (his way out of the mess). In the back of his mind, a crisis is developing. He has seen Mimi at her best. She has now given him a letter explaining how he can have that again. And now she is gone.

Now, he is truly alone with the OW. And she is now at her "best." Problem is, that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that there is something better back home begins to creep into their relationship. Devious, huh? (One note...ENJOY Plan B! You should absolutely enjoy it. Why? As far as I am concerned, it is payback time. For the hurt, pain...for the loss of control over your own world. In Plan B, the power begins to shift back to the BS...so much so that the WS ends up in a position in the end of almost total submission to the will of the BS...more on that below).

So, he unkowingly has been setup for failure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . And so, it is only a matter of time before things make it to critical mass. In your case, I definitely see the needle in the red zone!

So, due to your devious virus you have put into their relationship (Plan A and B), you have set the timer on the destruction of their relationship. It is about ready to blow.

But wait a minute! Just before your WH and OW are about to be emotionally blown out of the water, you want to save him. Why is that? This is your chance at payback. He made his bed, let him lie in it. Let him feel the FULL brunt of the consequences of his actions. Shoot, I LOVE what Orhid did by sending her husband back when he first inquired.

Now why do I say all of this? First of all, it is good for you. It will help you to feel better by knowing that you werent the only one that got to feel pain here. And the beauty of this, it is HIS actions that are causing his own pain.

The second reason to stay the course is that if you rescue him now, he will have learned nothing. He will not have felt the complete utter despair of the guilt of what he has done, and the knowledge of what he is about to lose. I know you love him Mimi, and most of us want to spare our spouses as much pain as possible.

But Mimi, he NEEDS to hurt. He needs to feel this. He needs to understand EXACTLY what damage hus actions have caused. If you try to help him now, he will learn nothing. And you are doomed to repeat it.

How many of us BSs are going to go back to treating our spouses like we treated them before the A? None, I would guess. Why? Because who the heck wants to go back through this pain again. We will do anything to be the spouses that our spouses need. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY MARRIAGES THAT REBUILD AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS ACTUALLY END UP STRONGER...IT IS CALLED FEAR OF PAIN. Dr. Harley mentions this on the website here. That once recovery starts, most couples do so with great zeal. Why? Because they want to get as far away from the hurt as possible...and never, ever go back there.

Now, Mimi...your husband isnt stupid (although the choice of an affair, and even the quality of affair partner, may leave his intelligence open to question <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). He has read your Plan B letter. He knows the way out. His calls to you, to your son, are cries for help. They are cries for help because he is looking for a way out of his increasing pain anyway he can...except for the only way that you have spelled out. In order to do it your way, he has to fully delve into the pain. He doesnt want to do that.

So, Mimi sends him flowers for the anniversay, of cards, or whatever. And then you spare him the pain. But you are also sparing him the ability to get his life back together. He NEEDS that pain. Sometimes, it isnt love to spare pain. If someone needs a surgery done, there is great pain...but all for that persons good. If you dont get the surgery, you may save some temporary intial pain...but the pain that comes from neglecting what they needed to fix, will come back ten times stronger later.

Mimi, do not spare him the pain. In the middle of my Plan B last December, I made it a point that we would not spend one minute together over Christmas. No family time with her, me and the kids. No sharing of Christmas lists on what to buy the kids. No joint Christmas where we could be together as a family. Nothing. Did it hurt. Sure. But it was the BEST thing I could have done for my marriage.

My wife went off the charts angry when two weeks into Plan B, I would not back down and have a good Christmas together "for the sake of the kids." She went so ballistic that she flung herself at the OM, planned a trip to Florida with the OM over Christmas to meet his family, and actively pushed her situation in order to quickly move her life forward with him.

But all that did was hasten the death of the relationship. The kids were with me Christmas day. The next day, she picked up the kids (since she had by then returned from Florida) and kept them at her apartment for two days. But my kids even said...it wasnt really Christmas. My wife was out of it most of the time, and didnt seem to want to spend much time with them after they opened their presents. She would lay on the couch, and take naps (all of this is very uncharacteristic of her with the kids).

Mimi, her pain had increased. He trip to Florida had been a disaster. She met his family and saw how he acted around them...and didnt like it. She saw how he wasnt being a real dad to his two daughters that were living in Florida with his ex. And one night while there, while they were having sex, the OM called my wife by his ex wife's name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> .

Her pain was now off the charts. So, after having the kids for two days, she brings them back and wants to talk. I told her that I wasnt going to talk, as was outlined in my PBL. Now, if she was ready to talk NC with OM, then we had something there. She said she needed time, that there was a lot she needed to work through...and couldnt I just be a friend to her and be there for her while she worked it out (gag!)?

Well, NO! That would be what we call ENABELING! I told her OM or MM. I reiterated the PBL...even asking her she needed another copy. She then got angry, saying I never cared for her or her views...that this just proves that I will never be there for her and the changes she has seen in me are false...blah, blah, blah!

I told her "Whatever...honey, you know the way out of this." ANd I turned around and walked back into my house.

For the next 3 weeks, I heard nothing from her. Once or twice a week, she would call or come by to see the kids. I wouldnt talk to her. Just passed the phone to the kids. Or if she was coming to get them, my oldest watched for her and then they ran out to meet her and left with her. I went completely DARK!

Well three weeks later, there is a surprise knock on my door at 8pm at night. It seems my wife has just gotten off work, and wanted to come by to see the kids. So, I let her in, I went into the kitchen and she went downstairs with the kids.

TEN MINUTES later, she comes up (so, she came to see the kids huh?). She wants to talk. She says she wants to discuss some things. I asked what. She started to try to berate me, to get me to engage in a conversation...or an argument iif she could. I told her she had to leave. She asked "What if I dont?" I told her I would call the police. She then said "Well, I guess you are going to have to do that."

So, for the next 4 hours, we sat at my kitchen table while she told me everything, and told me how she wanted to know how to get this all back. I reiterated that she had to have NC with OM...and that she (and then both of us later) needed counseling.

I let her leave without promisisng anything. As a matter of fact, she tried to suck me in again as she went to walk out the door, asking me to give her time. I told her no, that the letter stands. And then I told her that under no circumstances was she to EVER just drop by again. There was a look of surprise in her eyes. Here she thought we had a great conversation, and probably thought she had me back on the reservation and supporting her fence sitting due to our calm conversation (with even some laughter in it). And then I end it by saying nothing has changed, dont drop by again, do not call...until Plan B letter requirements are met.

A week later, she says she in a phone message that she knows she has to end things with OM, even if we do not work out (the first real crack!). I DO NOT RESPOND! Then, she calls and says that she has made an appointment with the same counselor that me and the kids are going to. She asks if I want to do marriage counseling together. I reply back to her that...no, no marriage counseling until we have a marriage. I will go to counseling with her, only in regards to the kids (as they were seeing this counselor also). So, I went to two sessions with her, where she tried to get counselor to enlist me in baking her a large cake <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . The counselor didnt...and I didnt. As a matter of fact, after the second time...I refused to go anymore. She could go with the kidso n her own time, and me on mine.

I was playing hardball. Always the same message. It is shortly thereafter, that in the midst of my wife being VERY sick, and OM LBing her and also leaving her sick and alone to go to some job thing out of town, that I got the call saying that she wants to come home and was ending things with him. A week later, she did end it with him...and a few short weeks later, after some counseling, a few dates, and me allowing her to get thru the worst of withdrawal, we moved her home.

I know this has been long Mimi. But I want you to understand. There is only one way through this now. You spelled it out to him. Dont lie to him. Dont tell him NC with OW or else...and then back down. Keep your word.

I agree with you though. I think you are probably days away from a resolution (he is thinking about that anniversary also!).

Hang tough...stay the course. Stay in Plan B. Stay dark. No calls, presents, slowers, emails...nothing! This is what has gotten him to this point. Dont blow it now.

In His arms.