Hi, vlnist, and welcome to Marriage Builders. I very much suggest you start your own thread and describe your situation in more detail.

The best thing that can help your situation is for your husband to get the chance to have these principles presented to him by a neutral party who can get him to "buy in" to them by seeing how they can benefit him. If you can get him to a couple of telephone coaching sessions with Steve Harley, or enroll in the Marriage Builders online seminar, he might see how these principles are really a good idea and want to start following them! Failing that if he got a chance to listen to the audiobook of Fall in Love, Stay in Love with you (say, on a long drive), that might also do the trick.

You will have the best chance if your husband is familiar with these principles and if he sees how they can benefit him.

Now, from your side, you are correct that if your partner doesn't want to negotiate with you, they are failing to meet your needs and pursue a win-win situation. HOWEVER, if your partner is "doing nothing" until the two of you agree, that is not independent behavior, that is actually following the POJA.

You can't demand that your partner negotiate with you. You can request, and you can let your husband know how you feel.

The best way to approach a situation like this is with a thoughtful request. You say "How would you feel about doing ... ?" And then, listen to your husband's feelings and take them into account, and propose a suggestion that takes both your feelings and his into account.

I have no idea if you are talking about finances, sex, child rearing, or relationships with your in-laws. Let's say you want to go visit your mother and you want him to come with you. You could ask "Honey, how would you feel about going to see my mother this Saturday?" Then he might say that he doesn't like to see your mother for very long, and you might ask how he feels about going with you to see her for only an hour. You commit yourself to doing nothing without his enthusiastic agreement, and look for the same commitment from him.

If you can't come to a solution together, drop it, wait and brainstorm for awhile, and then mention to him in a week or so that it is still an issue and express your desire to continue negotiating for a plan that will make you both happy.

Of course, if you are asking him to STOP doing something, it's a little bit different. You tell him "It bothers me when you ..." And then you find out if he is willing to stop the independent behavior or not. This is where having buy-in from him on the Marriage Builders principles can be really helpful.