Hi, I have been reading MB since October 2010. I do not know where to post this under Divorcing or Surviving an Affair. I just know that I need some advice on how to handle this. Let me tell you about us. We have been married 8 years , lived together 2 years before getting married. We have a blended family. We each have two children from previous relationships. We have two of our own for a grand total of 6 kids. They range from ages of 21 to 2 years old. We have two daughters and four sons. Let me give a timeline :
May 2010: PA begins with OW
Oct 10, 2010: We renew our vows on anniversary
Oct 13,2010: WH asks for separation/divorce while we both live in same house
Oct 28,2010: By phone records I find out about OW. He admits to EA only for 3 months. I find out he lost job due to this in Sept 2010
Nov 1,2010: We both call OW. NC is established (supposedly)
Nov 28,2010: WH admits to PA which began in 5/2010
Feb 17,2011: WH moves out to MIL/FIL in other state. States he was not working on marriage, waiting for me to graduate ,wants divorce filed when he gets a job.
Feb 26,2011: Calls and states he wants full custody of our children, and I need to move out, he has retained attorney.
Feb 28,2011: I retain attorney . I was advised to put temp order to establish custody and child support, and use of marital home.
Mar 3,2011: Divorce is filed
Mar 10,2011: He agrees to temp order and signs it
Mar 11,2011: He retains attorney . My attorney tells me if he objects since order was not filed we go to court. WH comes up to visit picks up four boys and takes to hotel.
Mar 14,2011: WH drops older children off at school and brings baby home. Tells me he is happy I filed and he wants out of marriage.
Well that is the short version. I want my marriage. I have read and read all the articles I could. He refused counseling for all the five months we were trying to work on our marriage. I feel like a bomb went off in my life and I do not know where to start picking up the pieces from. I do not know if I need to do Plan A ,B or?. Can this be saved ? I want my husband and our marriage. Please help and guide me. I wrote a Plan B letter but don�t know if I am doing this right.

TornBA, I think you will get more/better help if you ask a moderator to move this to Surviving An Affair. At the bottom of your post there is a button labeled "Notify". Just click on that to sent your request.

This forum doesn't get much as much traffic, and we are no longer trying to save our marriages here. We're just trying to survive the divorce. Good luck!

I think the salient points are:

• You and he are living apart (separate states) since February.
  
• You have divorce papers filed since earlier this month - custody and support are established.
  
• He exhibits no interest in continuing your marriage.

Is that about it?

You don't have much to work with here, and, sadly, the key element you lack is a partner with any demonstrable investment in doing the hard work that would be necessary to repair your union.

Is there a timeline on which your divorce action is moving (don't know what the laws are in your state), or can the status remain "quo" until one of you initiates another action?

TA, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Is this his first affair? How did his last marriage end? How about yours?

Thank you NeverGuessed for replying. He moved out said he needed time. Says he loves me but is not in love with me, but he is still calling me every time he can make an excuse to. When he picked up kids , he made about four trips back to the house for misc reasons. Called me several times while it was his night to have kids just to see what I was doing. Says that I filed for divorce so I am wrong not him for moving out. I just don't know if a Plan B would work, but I think it's worth a try. I filed because I thought that would jolt him into some kind of reality.I was afraid since there was no order in place he would take the kids to another state.

Thank you ML. Yes this is his first affair. His last marriage ended with his ex having an affair with a much younger man. She gave my WH custody of the girls . I was in an abusive relationship and left my ex when my boys were 2yrs old and 3 months old.

Is he in touch with the OW?

Does your MIL and FIL know about the affair? Does everyone know about the affair?

Who is this OW and does she have a facebook page?

ML. The day after WH moved out he got a phone with another cellphone carrier. Both MIL and FIL know and make excuses for his behavior.I have been around long enough to know that WE the in-laws are always wrong. My WH states to them and me that the affair was a symptom and he had been unhappy for a long time. News to me because we just had a wonderful renewal ceremony. My MIL states that my WH is having a midlife crisis.
The OW is a supervisor at a local dept store here in town. She has a FB . This is the second marriage she has destroyed. I called her supposed fiance and he informed me that he found out about my WH in June 2010 and did not contact me because my WH begged him not to. He then separated from her.
I exposed to his job then I found out he was already let go.
I called OW and asked her to leave my husband alone, she called police on me for harassment.
When I found out about affair , I exposed to everyone who had an ear. I placed GPS on his phone and monitored it for 5 months. Now I can't.

ML.. I wish I knew how to highlight in box but I dont. Sorry. I do believe that he is in contact with her.
I have no proof though.

Torn, I have no doubt he is still seeing her. What I would do is expose to all her facebook friends. We have a sample letter you can use. If you do this, it will greatly harm the future of the affair in her family. It may be too little too late, but it is worth a shot.

Will your MIL not help you at all? Or does she just not care about her son?

Have your children been told the truth about the affair?

And, is your H an alcoholic?

ML- Please tell me where the sample letter is. MIL is 72 and states that she is just giving him a place to stay. She apologizes to me and tells me she talks to him. But i don't know. When it comes to her she has always been very protective of her kids behavior.also she paid for my WH retainer . BTW her other daughter is also having an affair.
My stepdaughters 21 and 19 do know . They are living in dorms . They both call me and have visited but it is strained because it is there dad and they said they feel weird. My two older boys 15 and 13 are my WH stepsons . They do not know from me, but I think they have figured it out. My six year old son has a LD and does not comprehend it all. The two year old is too young.
No he is not an alcoholic .

WH called last night @ 1am. Even though we are in NC at this time. Why is he calling? So confused.

So I need advice. Do I retract the divorce papers? Am I supposed to be in Plan A or B? Please help me? I love him and I will do anything to regain a healthy marriage. I do not want to put my children through a painful divorce. Thanks

Torn,

I haven't heard you say that the WH is asking to get back with you, he may be and hasn't vocalized it to you.

Plan-A is for a limited time period and is really best when the two of you are under the same roof.

Plan-B is for when you have reached your limit,it is a way to protect you emotionally from the crap he is dragging you thru. It is really more for you than it is a tool to recover the marriage. A by product of plan-B is that a WS will sometimes respond to it, especially if the A brakes up and his head clears some.

In someways I think you have already shown you are at your limit. The WH is contacting you because you have not imposed that restriction on him in the form of a Plan-B letter yet.(as far as I know)

The steps I would take right now would be

1) Write out your plan-B letter and post it here so we can help edit it with you.

2) Give it to him and stick to it

3) Work on your divorce, might as well get that ready to go if it does fail.

4) Work on the list of demands you will have if the WH wants to get back with you. You'll need to post that list as well, I think a clear reconciliation plan will be essential and we can help you with it.

5) Work on yourself, you need to be as attractive as you can be for the WH as possible, mentally and physically. The up side to this is if the marriage fails you will be one more step closer to recovery.

In the Plan-B letter if it is written like it shoud be it is a love letter to your H, is explains what his actions have done to you and how to preserve what feelings you have for him you must have space from him until he brakes off the A and commits to the marriage.

You have no chance of recovery until the A is dead

I'll say it again

You have no chance of recovery until the A is dead

You can want to recover the marriage all you want and love your H, but unless he responds there is nothing you can do.

That's why ML wants to be sure you have done everything you can do to expose the A.

I think given the WH has already moved out Plan-B is your best option. Continue to work towards the D, and get your act together for when he approaches you to reconcile.

Thank you so much. I am working on it now. I just got kids to bed and well post it here asap. Thanks again.

How does this look?


Dear WH

This is the hardest letter I have ever written.

I apologize to you for my part in creating the environment that helped make your affair possible. You know I love you and adore you with my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for 13 wonderful years it was enough.

I know we had problems. You have told me that I tried to control you that I rejected your love by arguing with you. You did not like that I was not independent and had ceased listening to you. I cannot change the past Bobby, but I have learnt from my mistakes and I sincerely apologize to you. You know I have changed, you said you have noticed the changes in me. I am making them permanent and improving myself and my life. I am a better person. I make mistakes every day, but every day I strive to be the best person I can be.

I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee it will last 50 years or 5 years, but I know that when we try together we do well. I am ready WH, not to live together but to work wholeheartedly on our marriage. I commit to you and our marriage. I cannot do it alone.

You have told me you need more time and that you are very confused. I feel so much for you as I know this is very difficult. You are at a crossroads in your life and feel that today�s decision will affect the rest of your life. Some decisions are tough and are scary, but no one said life would be breezy, it�s supposed to be hard and painful. Then the easy times are even more delightful. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life.

However, you have chosen to spend time with one specific woman and possibly other. I know you don�t want to discuss your affair, but you cheated on me . I forgave you and you walked out on me. You have told me you are still in contact with her and want to sleep with her. I do not condone it, or like it, but have no choice. All I ask is that you do not have contact with her while you have the boys. The time with them that you spend belongs to THEM. Please do not repeat your past mistakes of talking or texting her while you are with them.

You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you chose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.

To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision of my own. I need to stop talking to you until you decide one way or the other. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply no contact. I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to talk to you without putting pressure on you to make a decision. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you have done it because you love me, not because you have felt pressured into doing it.

Please respect my decision and do not contact me unless it is an emergency. I want to be cordial in front of the kids for THEM. I will continue to email you recaps every night or every morning of the next day. I will make the boys available to talk to you every night. If you need to spend time with the kids, please contact me by email or text and I will arrange to have them available to you.

This can easily be reversed if you decide you can commit to me. Otherwise I think this will be for the best. Your actions are so sporadic and not well thought out so I have to protect myself and the kids. I do wish to work out financial arrangements with you directly if you feel that you want to also. All divorce proceedings will now be handled by my lawyer whose information you have.
I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make the women or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, and share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the mother of your children, it is simply too painful. Therefore, I must ask you not to contact me except for issues regarding the boys. This is something I believe is necessary to preserve and protect the love I still have for you before it slips away.

I just wanted to bring up a memory for you. We were in the Anna Maria Islands. We were in our room overlooking the ocean. You had just gotten operated to reverse your vasectomy. You were standing at the balcony leaning against it. I was in the bathroom. When I walked out I saw the curtains blowing in and saw you. You looked so handsome in the moonlight. I walked over to you and touched your back. You leaned down and gave me a kiss. I said are you in pain? You said no, I�m okay. Then you said � WIFE this is the beginning of our journey. I would have never dreamt in a million years to be here in this moment with you. I knew you before; you are my life�..�See WH I remember�..

I love you WH, you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I chose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.

I hope we will be together again one day.

Your wife,

ME

Hi Torn Apart, I am sorry you are here but the vets will give you good advice.
This letter is way too long. I am making some basic suggestions and others will help with this.



Very rough draft. Stop saying you will respect him, begging or saying you are sorry.

Good luck

Agreed that you're in an ideal situation for Plan B. Let him see what his life is going to be without you. His constant calling and checking in just means that you are still giving him something that OW does not.

Do you have an intermediary to handle messages from your husband?

Get your plans in order, make sure you've got everything covered. Others here can walk you through it.

I didn't catch it, but what is the timeline for the divorce?

I remember writing a long letter like that one to an ex, but in my heart I knew I was only "releasing." In the end I knew that at best, only a portion of the letter would be read.

I could say more, but I'd be saying it from a healed perspective and don't want to make things worse for you considering the spot you're in.

The timeline for the divorce is on hold as of right now. I emailed my lawyer last night and told him I wanted to be on hold for now. He stated that this is fine, since he knew the reason I filed is because in WI where I live unless there is a temp order in place either parent can take children out of state for up to 90 days. When WH left he threatened to take my boys so I filed and had temp order put in play. I was scared because I was not expecting him to leave when I got home that day.
I am editing my letter now. I will post it for review in a little bit. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who is commenting . I felt so scared and alone. I finally got some sleep last night and I was able to keep down some breakfast. This website is a blessing for me and my kids and hopefully my marriage.