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Dear Newcomers,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. People here want to help you but they have families and careers and don't have alot of time. They are volunteers and are here for the same reason you are. You will get much more help if you stick to a few basic principles:
1. keep it short and simple. We don't need to know a whole lot of information to GET it. If you go beyond 5 paragraphs you have probably gone too far. More is not better, it only serves to muddy the waters. Be concise. And we don't care about your childhood or your spouse's childhood.
2. USE PARAGRAPHS. Don't make one long paragraph with 1,000,000 words. People can't read that and most will not bother
3. stick to one thread so folks don't have to search for various threads to just understand your story
Lastly, people WANT to help you. Please help them do that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is a GREAT post. Can it be a sticky so it stays at the top of the page?
Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Keep it floatin!
Newcomers; you are likely here, and likely want to do the "life story" dump because you are lost in isolation. The world around you - your friends and family - couldn't possibly hear what you have to say and understand you, and you have come for a sympathetic ear.
You have come looking for the ear that is in-line with your desire; to save your marriage.
The ears (or eyes) are here, but to receive help, you have to keep it SIMPLE to start with.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's helpful for newcomers to give some SHORT answers to some questions. Here are a few that may be helpful: * How long have you been married? * Is this your first marriage? Is it your spouse's first marriage? * Are there any children? Are there any children from outside of the marriage? (Previous marriages or relationships, etc.) * Are you or your spouse having an affair? Have you or your spouse had any prior affairs? * If there is an affair, when was D-Day? (That means, when did you find out?) * Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? * If there is an affair, have you read Dr. Harley's guide to recovery?* If there is not a current affair, what is your basic complaint about your marriage? Sum it up in one sentence or SHORT paragraph: what is it that you wish your spouse would DO or would not do? * If your spouse is not involved with your marriage as much as you would like, what is his or her basic complaint about your marriage? What is it they wish you would do or not do? If you boil things down for us in short answers, it helps us get you to helpful information much more quickly!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Things you can leave out:
Details about the WS's bad,terrible, awful childhood.
It does not matter.
(Meaning, it will not change the basic MB advice)
Last edited by Pepperband; 05/25/11 10:12 AM.
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And, if I may add:
Don't try to make excuses for your wayward's poor behavior by blaming the affair on their poor self-esteem. If they think they 'deserve' a spouse and extra attention from an outsider, their esteem is just fine, thank you very much.
And don't blame the affair on yourself! You did NOT 'make' your spouse have an affair, whether you were inattentive, less affectionate, worked too many hours, whatever. These things help create issues in a marriage that need to be addressed. Having an affair is a selfish decision that does NOT address the issues in a marriage!
Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/25/11 11:16 AM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok, what's the whole "bump" thing?
Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
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ok, what's the whole "bump" thing? Any time a thread is quoted, it is 'bumped' up to the first page. Posters will occasionally see that an important thread needs to be read by another poster and will go back to find it. They have nothing to add to it and are just 'bumping' it up to the first page so a poster who needs to read it will see it. So their quote will only say "bump". Or "bump for newbyposter" or whatever.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Got it!! I think I did the opposite of everything you said NOT to do. Sorry!!!
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Got it!! I think I did the opposite of everything you said NOT to do. Sorry!!! It's ok, hunny! We forgive you!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Things you can leave out:
Details about the WS's bad,terrible, awful childhood.
It does not matter.
(Meaning, it will not change the basic MB advice) It doesn't matter and we don't care. MB is about altering behaviour not navel gazing.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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