I'm new here, I've been separated from my H almost 6 months from our 11 year relationship. ( common-law )
I came here because I felt hopeful when I read most of the advice and forums I felt I was in a good place to get answers.
My story: Marriage had been rocky for sometime, we have two beautiful children together and had been living as roomates and babysitters over the past 2 years. It had been getting progressivly more and more difficult. Everything came to a boiling point in November 2010, and we had a BIG fight. We continued to walk around on eggshells & he continued to treat me very badly and then in December I blew up once again telling him to get out of the house. He left the house and about 2 months later I found out he had been having an A with a "friend" . I had tricked him into finding this information out and well needless to say to this day it's still been something we talk very little about. He has continued his A with the Ow, they were together before we even broke up.
Long story short it's been a trying time filled with me feeling hopeful of reconciliation. My H has yet to "cut the cords" with me and has been nothing but a cake eater. On Mothers Day I thought I drew my line in the sand pretty clearly but it's been almost a month and he's said nothing about where our future is.
Yesterday I gave him my final "It's her or me" letter and asked him for a responce today as I will no longer be waiting in the wings for him. I've finally done all that I can to kick him off the fence and out of the "Fog".
I have to take control back for myself . I'm not expecting him to choose me over the OW, at this point he's shown no remorse, he's "talked" about going to see a counselor but I doubt that he has, he's said one thing and done another, he's snooped though my bedroom and computer. His actions say something different then his words.
I'm not sure what my next step is from this point, I haven't exposed the A because i don't know that it would matter and where would that get me? I can't do it anymore.

What have you done that is MB related? There's no "it's her or me" letter, there is plan A and plan B and a plan B letter mailed at the appropriate time.

I know all about ow and so do many vets around here. You don't talk to a wh and expect him to give up his piece of cake on the side overnight. Nope. The ow won't let that happen.

That is why you have to WORK A PLAN. And you're at the right place. Tell us a bit more about you, ages, kids, length of time married, etc so we can glean a bit more info to help. Also, what have you done that is actually a plan A?

Has the affair and the affair partner and your wayward husband been exposed to the world yet? If not, you're just getting started.

You start at the beginning. Plan A. Work it. All of it. You meet the EN's of your wh, and then you also implement the "stick" of the plan too, which is nuclear scorched earth exposure. That's where you start.

Is your common law marriage in a state that recognizes them?

Canada is very favourable to common law, if her location is correct.

Yes, I am in Vancouver Canada, Common law is recognized.

Plan A:

Already have the journal started months back but I didn't include all the times H is with OW. I am home with the children everynight, I can't take them out at midnight to drive past the OW house unfortunatly. I do have copies of his cell phone records beginning the month they started texting/talking to one another up to this month.

Lies, oh he's about knee deep right now, he's also re-written our marriage history.

Military operation: I have not collected photos, but I have witnesses his vehicle at her house, I have a friend of mine drive by to see as well. I saw his text messages to her, his parents know they are together. I have cell phone records

Step 2: Done, I confronted him about the OW, asked to stop. He's chose to stay with her, he's admitted his relationship with her.

Step 3: I haven't exposed them, the OW is single..there is no other spouse. Both sets of parents know they are dating but to what degree? Work related, not sure where she works, and my H is self employed. His friends, many of them already know..his side of the story at least. All my friends know and my family.

I have been taking care of myself and the children, I was trying some parts of the "180" as well. I went back to school, my H has seen changes in me as well. working out, going out, whistle while I work type stuff. ha.

I haven't gotten much further in the Plan A but I've done some of Plan B already, bank accounts are separated. Well he closed the joint account on me, so I live off of no money basically.

I've been a SAHM over the past 10 years, I've worked part time here and there but I have maintained the business accounts and bookkeeping we started over 6 years ago. I also had a part time business of my own which was seasonal in the wedding industry that I make some money from. I've been highly involved with the Parent Advisory Council at our childrens school, I have been on Strata council of where we own our home for 3 years. I decided to go back to school to better my skills since I needed to return to the work force to try and keep a float on my own. H had closed all access of joint accounts on me, he continues to pay the mortgage, some utilities and groceries while I cover the rest or what I can. I have no emergency money or money in my pocket for essentials most of the time. I had to put a lock on my bedroom door because he was going in there snooping. I put a keylogger on the home computer to find out he was accessing my photos, files, documents.
Our children are 5 & 8 years old, both have always been with me, dependant on me. They love their dad but he's a disneyland dad most of the time, only wants to parent when it's good for him or makes him look good. He's claimed to be a sperm donor in this rewritten marriage history.
We went to mediation to try and work things out back in late February 2011 which got us nowhere because my H won't get a place of his own in order for the children to have a place to stay while with him. He's couch surfing and staying with the OW sometimes. He can't afford to pay a mortgage and rent but he's got the $64,000.00 truck while I drive a $800.00 honda. he's got lot's of toys that could be sold but they're sitting in the garage. So in that we can't get an agreement on a parenting plan because he's got no place. Which also means I can't get child support either, or spousal. H wants a week on/week off living arrangement with the kids and I say no to that due to his work schedule, the kids don't want to and I beleive he wants that arrangement so he pay's less in support. I have no control over that I know. I've told him to sell the house, he shut's down. I tell him I can't live this way, he goes passive aggressive on me. He says one thing and does another. He hasn't moved anything out of the marital home I have remained in with the children. He hasn't even changed his mailing address or passcodes. He's got the clothing on his back and a pillow. He returns home everyday to "[censored], shower & shave" eat the dinner I cook for me and the kids..he's here during dinner how do I tell the kids daddy can't eat with us. He makes his lunch, does laundry and spends time with the kids and then leaves once they are in bed. He does this over the weekends mostly as well. I have tried to change these circumstances, basically I have been told by Family Justice, Legal Duty Counsel, Mediator, Legal Advisor, Welfare that ..in short...he's a prince for letting us stay in the home and that's his contribution towards child/spousal support.

i hope thats enough info, i'm not really sure how much to include. Please ask me if you have any further questions. I need as much help as I can get. Thank you in advance.

Update:

I did get a response back from my H about the letter I gave him. He did not say " I choose her " instead he said nothing has really changed for him, he still feels the same. He did not go and see a counselor either.

Everything inside of me says he's still in the "FOG", he's not portraying himself as someone who has done alot of thinking to be sure he's made the right choices. He does nothing but rewrite our marriage history, lie, contradict himself, can't keep his stories straight. He told me that it was none of my business really if he began seeing someone else, but that he's told his parents. He tells me he wanted me to meet someone else and be happy, then in the next breath he says he wouldn't be able to handle it if I had met someone else or cheated on him. He proceeds with other confusing remarks, a real anger point with him is when I tell him he's being selfish. He feels counseling would be all about him being blamed for everything.

At this point I don't know what to do, continue the fight or walk away. Everytime I feel the strength to move on he goes back into his passive aggressive mode where he tries to get me back under his thumb & control. He's with the OW, how much of a chance do I have to reconcile now? How do I expose their affair if many of his close friends already know, his and the OW parents know. Maybe not my side of the story is known but is that what it takes? A phone call to tell them different?

Well seriously, there is no per se marriage other than the common law bond. He might not feel he's married. Seriously. He feels he might be able to just walk away because legally there is no ring on his hand.

I understand your country treats this somewhat differently, but in reality you simply aren't married, and that makes this very fogged out wayward BELIEVE he is NOT WAYWARD possibly. Just a very fogged out affair-driven long term dad and boyfriend.