Hi. Facts are as follows.

11 years together, married 6 years, kids age 3 and 5. wife is WS, had affair 7 months until I found out, now another 3, and won't give him up.

Lover lives a 2 hour flight away, most contact is SMS, skype, email. They've been together 21 days in total over this period.

After much anger and fighting and stress, she moved out into what is a small temporary apartment, left the (rented) family home to avoid the stress, and continue the relationship.

Kids are mostly with me but we agreed to share the caring at the family home (she still has a key, does her bit when its her turn, and then leaves).

A key factor is that we have finally bought a new, dream family home which is being built and going to be ready to move into in October. So, she claims she is going to make a decision by then on giving him up and coming back to live OR inviting him to move over to be with her in some other apartment, where she will have the kids 50%.

I do want to save this marriage not least for the kids and my dream of a family home. She wants these things in life too of course, but with someone she "loves". He has no money and we have a pre nuptial so she has to accept starting over if she does not come back.

He visited her in her "hotel room" last week but since then I followed a variant of Plan A - no longer asking about them at all, and fulfilling some of her emotional needs. This had amazing results within 3 days she had the wedding ring back on and asked if we could go to lunch together. Then 2 days later she was back at square 1, thinking she wants to have a husband/partner she loves to fulfill her life, but she wants all the other things too and is in a real dilemma. She says if she could find a spark in me, it would be problem solved. Previously I was telling her that she will never find that spark while he occupies that territory.

I believe that only when the "Love Bank" territory becomes vacant (one way or another) will my deposits have any value. Is this the case OR will my continued provision of Emotional Needs have some effect even while he is still in the picture??

I have seen better results when I do not discuss, but Plan A talks about persuasion. Should I gradually start to persuade? or continue to do nothing on that front and just let her work it out?? Then the other question is.. when to switch to Plan B? Before the new family home is ready? after?? What will have the most effect?

Many Thanks for your help!!

Hi jeremka, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you are in this fix.

Have you exposed the affair? What do you know about the OM? What does he do? Is he married?

Have you ever exposed your wife's adultery to any family?

Jeremka, welcome to marriage builders. I will let you in on something that is simply amazing. The first two posters who responded to you are included in the best of the best around here. You are quite lucky to have them respond to you.

Next, there is a thread that helps the newly betrayed. I don't know if you have already read through it, but I will link it for you. Read through the links and do whatever it is that ML and Pep tell you, k? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

It would also be good for you to read the carrot and stick link provided in Pep's siggy

Hang tough Jeremka.

Hi Pepperband/MelodyLane .. Yes, affair exposed to all her family, my family, many of my friends, and colleagues, but not our mutual friends, her friends or work colleagues. The OM was engaged to be married. I exposed him to her a week ago and we are seeing the fallout from that now. He has no or little money and debts, unlike my relatively well off situation. Thanks for the link scotland will check it out...

Jeremy, this is pretty far gone, IMO, but I think you have a long shot if you will take a much firmer approach. First off, I would expose the affair to any other close family or friends and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. I would also expose to the OM's family. Call his parents. Ask your WWs parents and your other family members to talk to her.

Did you personally speak to the OM's fianc�, and have you maintained contact with her?

Secondly, I would go to her and DEMAND that she end her affair NOW and move home now or you will be filing for divorce. Give her a chance to end this and make sure she understands you won't be sitting on the sidelines anymore. Tell her if this goes to divorce you will be filing on grounds of adultery and ABANDONMENT going for primary custody and possession of the home. It is real important for you to paint a very ugly picture and that you won't be her friend.

If she rejects your offer, I would file for divorce on grounds of adultery and go into plan B. I don't believe her affair will last very long if you do that. And if it DOES, you will be better off without her.

She needs to see some real effort on your part and a show of you fighting for your marriage. It might not work, but I assure you it will be more effective than sitting by idly.
What is happening here is that this has gone on so long that she is accustomed to getting her needs met in 2 places. This, in effect props up the affair. Without you there, I predict her affair will go into a free fall.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2518239&#Post2518239

Check out this radio show from yesterday.

MelodyLane, her family has totally rejected her and cut off contact, and she doesn't really have close friends, certainly no-one that would try to persuade her. When i threaten to tell mutual friends, she has threatened to leave altogether, and me alone with the kids! In many ways i remain her closest friend, although she says shes not afraid of losing me.

I don't know the OMs family, but that could be an option. The OMs fiance, I am in regular contact with. She's hurt and doesnt want to take the OM back, also they have no kids together.

Yes, I do think every day about going tough, but then I don't want her to hate me, which is why i'm pursuing (for now) a few weeks of emotional need meeting, before I pull the plug for maximum effect. Otherwise, I fear that I will just push her finally into his arms. Getting tough measures have only pushed her away until now, while playing nice has been bringing her back and reducing their contact (i know this because I am snooping).. that said, its true that I never really called her bluff, by seeing out any of the tougher measures for more than a day or two.

Thanks for the advice, I really need to think some more about that.

That is great. That means the mutual friends would have an influence over her so that is where you should begin. Tell your friends all about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. As far as the OM's family, I would contact them right away and expose the affair to them. Ask them to speak to their trashy son and ask him to leave your wife alone. Does the OM have a facebook page? Would your WW's parents call the OM themselves and tell him to buzz off that he will never be welcomed in their family?


Your tactics are pushing her into his arms though. THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE, SIR. She is lost. You have lost her. You are entrenching the affair by enabling her. In order for Plan A to be effective, it takes a 2 prong effect, the carrot and the stick. You have overdone the carrot with none of the stick, which is why you find yourself in this dreadful position. Unfortunately, your Plan A will never work this way. As you can see.

What you are doing is leading to divorce, jerem. See, appeasing someone who is trying to destroy your marriage will result in a destroyed marriage. It wont' save your marriage. You can see your method does not work for yourself.

Those of us who have saved our marriages used a carrot AND a stick, not either or. So, if you want to save this, you are really going to have to be more pro-active. By being so complacent you are just giving her the impression you don't care very much.

"She needs to see some real effort on your part and a show of you fighting for your marriage. It might not work, but I assure you it will be more effective than sitting by idly.
What is happening here is that this has gone on so long that she is accustomed to getting her needs met in 2 places. This, in effect props up the affair. Without you there, I predict her affair will go into a free fall."

Jer, I don't post a lot, and have not mastered the quote thing, but please re-read what Mel posted. And, then re-read again. Your FEAR of "pushing her away" is going to do one thing: push her away and right into the OM, literally. See what Mel said? She is accustomed to getting her needs met by 2, and the reason she is so amicable to you while you "play nice" is that you are enabling her to continue getting those needs met from 2.

It's counter-intuitive to our nature...what you are advised to do, but after over 3 years of reading countless stories and situations that are exactly like yours, those that trust here have a fighting chance. Those that allow "fear of pi$$ing off WS" lose. Pep and Mel together have probably posted this line thousands of times, so I will post to paraphrase/quote for truth:

"You marriage can survive your WW's anger, but it cannot survive an affair". You will have to choose which direction you take. But, at this point accomodating your WW's affair is exactly what she wants. She's got you and OM exactly where she wants both of you. No wonder she's so happy when you play nicey? Why wouldn't she be?

I am such a slow typer...ML was already all over it!

P.S. Read Pepperband's "Carrot and the Stick".

P.P.S. Take some time here to get educated, OK? Read, and then read some more.

J,

How old are your kids?

If it were me...

1. As long as she is seeing OM, she is not welcome in your home. If she wants to see the kids, take them over to her parents house and let her visit them there. No more letting her come and go as she pleases....this is seriously going to screw up your kids and you have a responsibility to protect them from this kind of crap. Ok?

2. I'd tell her that it's either you or OM and, when she balks, I'd file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery.

Only when she sees that she cannot have both of you will anything change. Right now, you've got the advantage because of the children but you've let her rope you into a situation where she borrows your house to see the kids.

C'mon now, you've got to get fed up and pissed off here or this will never change. Let me say that again:

Nothing will change unless you force a change. Your wife will not suddenly do the right thing or see the light and come home. She's just fine where she is, thank you very much, and please don't do anything to upset the special world that she has created for herself. As someone else coined, she's quite the "speshul snowflake" and doesn't want ANYTHING to change!

(End sarcasm.)

I know where you are, have been there before, so I know what it's like to worry about making things worse. But trust me, you've got to let go of that fear or else just give in and nothing will change. It's really that black or white.

I'd have that conversation with your wife tonight. Shouldn't take ten seconds to tell her to either crap or get off the pot.

And tell every damn person that you can think of about this mess and BEG them to get involved. You've got a shot here, in my opinion, but doing nothing isn't going to get you anywhere. Think about it-- has your current plan really done any good?

Not trying to give you a hard time, and you don't know me from Adam, but I freaking hate seeing a BH (betrayed husband) being walked all over and am BEGGING you to get into this fight. Do it for your kids!! Aren't you tired of living with this and not having any control over the things that are affecting your own life?

Thank you, North!!!

p.s. what does this jackhole do for a living? Do you know where he works? The goal here will be to raise holy unmitigated hell in his life. Up to and including paying him a mano to mano visit and telling him how it will be. You should be doing everything to run this scumbag off.

Here is the message you send this loser:

Fear's a real PITA sometimes.

I agree with NW and Mels aggressive approach and finding out what her problem is with you.

If she says its the color of your car or some wacked out lame excuse then get away from her and give a card for the local head-shrinker.

What is she calling "Spark"? She is putting on the ring and then jumping out again?

She sounds way unstable..

J,

PLEASE read what Northwood and Melody are saying, amongst others. Absorb it, OK? Time to balls ups, my friend. You need to fight like a warrior because you ar IN a war. Replay Mel's video 20 times as your family needs a hero, and that hero needs to be YOU. Right now, and with a plan.

I know its really tough to see how this advice is going to save your marriage. Its counter intuitive. My MC asked why on earth would I expose my wife if I love her?

Well....nine months later here we are. OM gone. WW and I are recovering..ing..ing which takes time.

Women aren't like men. She doesn't think like you. Don't project your reaction to the advice onto her. Yes she will be mad and throw her threats around. But at the end of the day women respect confidence and leadership. And they use doormats for one purpose.

Please Please take the advice. For the kids. I have been here nine months and seen so many threads from BHs. The ones that succeed do so because they fought back. The ones who won't disappear and we don't see them again.

Good luck

This is good advice. Confidance and leadership beats all hands down.