Remarried 6 years, difficult but doable up to now. I have 2 kids living w/ us. He has 3: one grown, 2 high schoolers visit on rotation.

He seemed awesome...willing to go the extra mile etc and able to love my kids. But past two years he has pulled back. He is cold to them and has stopped teaching and training like he used to.

When his kids are here he jumps right up to the plate. When I try to discuss he has no emotion and says flatly I'm sorry I'll try to do better. But he doesn't. We do have a counseling appt in two weeks.

Meanwhile I am trying to convince the kids they are ok when it's obvious dad and stepdad both fail to love warmly.

I worry my kids will turn to unhealthy coping without warmth and love in 2 weeks. I feel discouraged and I lose more respect for him each time.

Any advice or prayer is appreciated.

M



Past

That is ok, Auntiem. He can't be expected to love your children the same as you do. That is not realistic. You can teach them and train them, though. They are your kids. I would be real careful about making demands of your husband when it comes to his relationship with your kids. That is something that should be negotiated with the POJA. And of course, you can't FORCE someone to feel something they don't feel. I would never demand that my current H "love" my son and vice versa. That is an unrealistic expectation.

Thanks for responding. Yeah I didn't mean love the way I love them...I realize that is not possible. I guess I mean love as a verb...giving them what they need, which is acceptance and encouragement and engagement. He did used to do these things, and did them for about 3-4 years very well. There are many, many things I am not as qualified to teach them such as how to repair things (and how to be a man LOL). The kids are 15 and 12 now, and my H just is not as interactive but can't seem to get that in communication. As I said he just looks completely devoid of emotion and says "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll try not to do that anymore."

Perhaps a POJA type thing is the way to go, like you said. I hope the counselor can engage him more in conversation about it. I am starting to suspect depression or something else. Again, thanks.

M

PS: when I said "feel" in my post I was referring to our discussions about it....can't seem to "get it" when I explain what I need/want/observe. Poor choice of words sorry.----M

Your thread title is interesting....


This thread title implies a few things, doesn't it?
I think, most importantly, it implies that there is something "wrong" with the way engineers are emotionally "wired".

I really appreciate how engineers are wired.
They don't build a strong bridge based on expressions of their feelings, do they?
If you wanted a poet, don't marry a bridge-builder type. Yanno?

But, the more interesting part of your post is your timeline.
According to you .....
Married 6 years.
Good step-fathering for 4 years.
Not so good step fathering past 2 years.

What makes you think there is something wrong with him?
When I read this, the way YOU have written it, I suspect that there was a lack of positive feedback for his 4 years of good step fathering behavior.
I sense that something, I don't know what, extinguished his previously good behavior.

Might it be that he was never good enough?
Might it be that your attitude towards his beautiful engineer's mind has turned him away from making an effort?

Your thread title is just too much of a DJ for me to ignore.
I don't think it was an accident.

Suggestion:

When you and H are alone, and well rested, and well fed .....

ASK HIM if he ever felt his efforts to father your children were PROPERLY and FREQUENTLY appreciated without criticism from you.

"Honey, have I ever thanked you properly for fathering my kids?"

Also ......

"Honey, have I ever said or done anything critical about your step parenting? What was it?"

Then, listen without comment.
Why would an engineer type open up his emotional self if he knows he's probably going to do it the "wrong way"?

As an engineer, I was going to suggest what Pep said.

I admit, I'm entering with some assumptions. So use what is useful and disregard the rest.

1. The kids are older. Is it possible they don't appreciate or didn't appreciate his teaching so he is simply unwilling to teach the "unteachable?" After all, teenagers "know it all" and parents don't get smart again until the 25-35 year range of the child in question. So from 15 to anywhere between 25 and 35, the child thinks he/she knows more than the parent and is largely unteachable.

2. He is motivated by gratitude and sees little of that.

3. He doesn't feel accepted or appreciated. Instead of accepting him for being the engineer type, he feels like an emotional fixer-upper project. He's not emotionally warm enough so someone feels the need to adjust his emotional thermostat or install a new furnace in his heart.

4. His needs are not being met. I've alluded to some of that. What does he complain about? Are you addressing his complaints, or dismissing them as too petty or unrealistic?

So let me suggest a title that will help you with this.

How can I recognize the ways my engineer husband feels and expresses?

Because, "they" ARE different.
But, ya gotta love 'em.

Dr. Harley says that the Marriage Builders program is written from an engineer's point of view. It's designed to be the perfect program to get such a person involved with in order to move toward a better marriage.

I'm an engineer and can confirm it's definitely got "engineer" stamped all over it.

And I concur with the comment that the thread title is a disrespectful judgment. I feel. I express. A lot.

Have you presented the Marriage Builders program to your husband and shown him what he can get out of it?

Disclaimer:
I am NOT an engineer.
However, I enjoyed a professional relationship with many of my loyal patients (who were aerospace engineers) over the years of my tenure as an RNP. At first, their overly methodical and orderly way of approaching data drove me crazy, and I suspect, I drove them nutz ..... AKA visa versa.

Over time, I absolutely came to be in awe of engineers.
They required me to up my game if I were to attempt to explain anything to them.

Over time, I absolutely came to be in awe of engineers.
They required me to up my game if I were to attempt to explain anything to them.

As an engineer, Pep, I'm not likely to EVER let you forget how AWED you are in the presence of folks like me!

[Whimsical aside]
Anyway, three aristocrats are sentenced to death by guillotine - a clergyman, a lawyer, and an engineer. The clergyman is put on the platform, the lever is pulled.....and the blade jams halfway down. The condemned jumps up, shouting "It's a sign from God that I be spared" and gets his pardon. The lawyer is positioned, the lever is pulled....and the blade jams again. He jumps up, saying, "It's illegal to re-execute a prisoner," and he is released. The engineer is led to the machine, but says, "I'm not getting on that until you get it fixed....but I think I see your problem!" And we continue to be misunderstood to this very day.
[/Whimsy]

NG

I once asked an engineer to take a home blood pressure reading 2-3 times weekly for 4 weeks, record the readings, and see me in 4 weeks.

He took his blood pressure 6 times a day and graphed the results.
I about died laughing.

The more I laughed, the more anxious he was to make me understand his work .... & the funnier I thought he was.

Pep, did he produce a trend line?

Did his blood pressure rise or fall from too frequent checking?

You're right; the Heisenburg uncertainty effect probably came into play there.

Heisenburg uncertainty effect = sphincter tightening

They have compensators for that, now.

Not going there ....

I don�t post much any more, but I can�t resist this thread. I posted this one a long time ago though.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are at a stag party. While watching the scantily clad dancing girl the mathematician says, �I sure would like to meet her, but Zeno�s paradox tells me once I get half-way there I still have half way to go. And once get half way through that distance I still have half way to go and so on, never getting all the way there.�

�I agree,� says the physicist, with a tear in his eye. �The Uncertainty Principle tells me as soon as I localize her, her momentum will be unknown and she will be elsewhere before I get to her.�

The engineer puts down his beer and says, �Well, I think I�ll go introduce myself.� �Wait,� say the other two. Didn�t you hear us? It useless.�

�Yes, I heard you. But as an engineer I know I can get close enough for all practical purposes,� he says as he leaves the table.


Perhaps auntiem would be happier with a pilot? Or a cop, a doctor or a liberal arts professor? Truck driver maybe? How about a musician? All definitely better emoters than engineers.

�course the downside is these are among the top 10 careers for also being an adulterer.

auntiem needs to sort out her priorities.



Ap,
Engineer and Physicist
Geek
BH
Loser to all the OMs in the world but really only half-way there still


PS: Pep, did you know Terminal B at Dulles International is exactly 1401 steps plus 6 inches (give or take a half-inch) long? I walked it twice during a bored wait between flights and got the same answer both times. No sense just walking around looking at something when one can measure it too!