1st thank you for welcoming me, I was apprehensive to say the least.

2nd I agree, I don't want hbd to be in an uncomfortable position. I'm well aware it's my actions that has caused her concerns and she shouldn't have to choose between being scared (not going with me) or uncomfortable (going with me). I haven't committed to going because this. I will support hbd whatever she feels most comfortable with. It maybe uncomfortable for me, from my manager, not to go but it's way more important to me to make sure hbd knows she's the most important thing to me.

Hi, Time, welcome.


That's a good attitude, but you might want to consider if just taking hbd on a date instead could be a better way to do this.

I fully support the idea of bringing your wife along to all office functions, ESPECIALLY when spouses are not invited. But at this stage your relationship is in a really precarious situation. And also, you already know that going will be somewhat uncomfortable for her.

Have you read all of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, yet? Are you guys getting 25-30 hours of undivided attention each week? If so, can you describe it for us?

I have a problem, I lie when I get caught. I've really tried to be honest...it's my wife's top need and I know that leads to the distance between us leading up to the affair. Today I just completely denied something to my wife over and over. When I start denying or lying I can't seem to stop...I don't even think about the effects of what I've doing or how I don't want to live with all these lies...I just keep on. Has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any suggest on how to stop? The part I struggle with is when I'm caught in a lie I'm not thinking rational any longer. Later when I'm thinking straight I can and have gone back and said I've lied about things but I need to change...to save my marriage and to have the closeness I want with my wife.

The first part of the solution is to stop doing things you have to deny. When you stop doing things that upset her, you won't have anything to hide. Create a completely transparent lifestyle that will make it impossible to hide anything in the first place.

As far as lying, you have to make a decision to stop it. Trying is not the same as DOING. Saying you are "trying" is a cop out. Just stop doing it and pretty soon it will become a habit. BEing honest is much easier when you aren't hiding anything. Stop hiding things and it will become much easier.

Lots of people lie when they get caught or to not 'get in trouble'. Just catch yourself doing it and stop even if it is saying "I am lying. Actually, the truth is _____________."

What did you lie about?

Thank you for your response.I get scared and feel like I'm losing control of my life. It helps to focus on the things I control and not putting myself in a position where if I'm caught off guard my instinct is is to lie.

I watched a couple of clips of porn. I knew my wife wouldn't be happy about it but if I would have just told her about it. she would have asked me to not do it again without her and it would have been the end of it. I made it a big deal by denying it.

Gotcha. I would strongly suggest you both stop watching it because it will wreck your sex life due to the contrast effect. Rather than being satisified with normal, healthy sex, it incents abnormal tastes in sex.

In addition to what everyone else says, might I add one thing that may help (helped my FWW)...

Stop and think. Don't just start talking. You need to recondition the way you think and as a result, the way you speak. Take a moment and say to yourself... "what is the consequence of even the smallest lie (maybe divorce)? and take a deep breath and answer truthfully.

Thing is, even if you do something wrong, telling the truth will build more closeness between you. We all fail. we all make mistakes and sin. Covering is never good, owning up to them shows integrity and desire to change.

None of us are really in control of our lives... We have spouses we answer to, bosses, etc...

I agree with the ban on porn too - you two need to look at each other intimately and intently if you want to rebuild passion and love - not at porn!

Im guessing both of you have a high need for admiration - so admire each other to fill those lovebanks - not some pornstar!

As to the lying, I think posting on here is an important step towards honesty 2time - I am SO glad to see you here.

The best advice has already been given by Mel, Stop doing things that you have to deny and STOP -instead of trying to stop.

I will add this. Dishonesty usually begins with a lie you tell yourself (It does for me anyway). For example, you know you shouldnt do something but you say: "Just this once" or "it doesnt matter"

And its not till you hear yourself lying to someone else about it that you realise it DOES matter - or there would be no need to lie.

Being honest with yourself will help you control and choose your own behaviours wisely. Being honest with hbd will help the two of you make wise and mutually happy POJA decisions.



This statement worries me to be honest. It sounds as though you are more concerned with being in sole control than you are about doing things your w will not like.

Neither you nor hbd are solely in control. You both have joint control of the wheel in this marriage boat - you must turn together (POJA) or you will go nowhere.

If you lie to her, you can do whatever you want though, because she doesnt know about it. However this is akin to knocking her out of the boat. Yes you get to turn the wheel any way you wish, but you are alone.

By being honest, you might have to miss out on some ports you like, that hbd does not. However you will never have to miss out on your wife's love or company if you both choose the direction you want - together.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to protect your marriage?

When you find yourself about to do something that you know you will need to lie about to hide it from your wife, stop what you're doing and call your wife immediately and tell her about it.

Nip your lies in the bud. Stop them before there's anything to lie about.

Please Read Page 111 of HNHN and discuss with your BS about the environment you both create for each other. Does it foster the truth?

If you cannot give up porn today then you need to be honest with all parties.

Dr. Harley discussed withdrawal with porn. You will go through the same symptoms as a person. This is hindering your intimacy level. You cannot become fully intimate with your BS until you fully withdraw from porn.

Your BS and you cannot have true SF until you reach deep intimacy which involves affection for her and O&H.

In my experience, this is true. People tend to do what is easiest. Once lying becomes more difficult than telling the truth, they tend to tell the truth.

I agree. It's a convenience thing or used to avoid dealing with the issue at hand. Something I try to keep in mind is that lying is not only wrong, but a DJ towards the person you are lying to, esp. when it's your spouse. You're basically saying that person can't handle the truth as well as not wanting them to know it.

Still reading, 2time?

I read all the responses. Thank you all for your feedback, it helps give my a bigger prospective then just my own thinking. I hate the lose of trust and distant lying creates between my wife and I. That disappointment I feel, is the reason I know it won't happen again.