Seven years ago, this website was my second bible. After 20 years of marriage, my dh admitted to a long string of infidelities, among many other lies and evil deeds. I was devastated but loved him and was committed to standing by my man, but the work was almost all one-sided and the results were predictable: here I am again, but this time, I'm walking away. I'm done. My marriage has aged me; jaded me; affected my physical, mental and emotional health; and just generally worn me to a nub.

While I do have some fears about my future and concerns for our grown and growing children, in general, I feel relief. If I could just get him out of the house now, I am ready to get on with my life. I'd like to see just how much of "me" is left. I'm thinking it will be interesting and fun to see what I can do with myself with one less "child" (of 50+years!) to tend to.

I think, above all, what I'm looking for in a discussion board, in addition to useful information about navigating divorce after 27 years, is comraderie. Surely, I'm not the only silly woman to remain in a doomed marriage for way too long, am I?

Am I in the right place?

I'm willing to discuss my marriage and divorce situation openly if it will help me to move forward (or if it will help anyone else), so I'm open to questions and suggestions about how to navigate here and how to become a part of the group.

Oh, did I mention my house is in foreclosure? Why, yes, it is! Home sick one day a few weeks ago, I received a special letter. Dh has failed to make a house payment in almost a year. A good search of the mess that is his desk turned up all sorts of interesting secrets and information. I guess I forgot that, even though I gave him back my trust, I was supposed to keep one eye open all the time forever. So, in addition to the task of getting him to leave? I get to do so, too.

Nice. I don't even know which icon to use for that one!

I can suggest a few.

Welcome Papermom! I think all of us here would say that we stayed far too long in trying to rescue a bad situation. But if you think about it, that's the nature of the people that are here. We aren't quitters and we all firmly believe in marriage so why wouldn't we keep trying and trying?

Relief is how you feel once you know you have gone to the end of the world and back and nothing is going to make your marriage work. Next is gratitude. One of the vets told me that I would know I was really done when I felt that towards the OW(s).

The amazing thing is that your MB knowledge is not going to be wasted despite the fact that your marriage could not be saved. All your future relationships will be stronger and healthier.

First you have to get through the divorce process. Start thinking about how to get really tough. The evil deeds are going to blow you away. I have had to tackle forgeries, grand larceny and endless legal delays while he spent the marital savings because he didn't want me to get anything. Any chance you can prevent the foreclosure? Ask the lawyer that question as a sale is always a better option.

Can you create a link to your earlier thread?

Get the meanest bulldog attorney possible.

Welcome! No, you're not the only one to stay too long. I was married for 25 years when I told my WXH to move out.

I didn't find MB until I was well into the divorce process, but I've stuck around anyway. And just to give you hope - I'm happier and healthier than I've been in years! Life can be much, much better on the other side of divorce.

Papermom,
I predict you'll find support you seek here. This is a good board with a lot of great folks. Not sure what things were like around here a few years ago, or 10, but, while we're not always around all the time, I've noticed people do check in pretty regularly.
Sorry to hear about your path to divorce. On the radio show yesterday Dr. Harley was talking about Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. I think the philosophy probably applies to most of us with Divorces: we unwittingly married people who were not Buyers...

take care of yourself PM.

~optimism

Living Well's question about earlier threads sent me on a search. Found!!! I wasn't able to login with original email, so I started over. At the time of my first post on 9/15/04, I was "papermom". Re-reading that post today? Tough work!

Thanks for the wonderful replies here!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...;Main=41621&Number=451028#Post451028

That is the link to your first post in 04.

Welcome. I am another one who stayed too long with a cheating mate. I was married to him for 26 years when I said enough.

My divorce from him has been final for 2 years and I have been remarried to a wonderful man for one year.

I agree....get a good lawyer. How infuriating he hasn't paid the mortgage in so long! You may be eligible for some sort of government help on getting the mortgage caught up or whatever.

Will he move out?

Howdy, papermom, you silly [censored] Texan!! I am sorry to hear you are back under these circumstances. It sounds like divorce would be the definition of success in your case.

Welcome back.

Hi, Papermom. Welcome back. Sorry about the house. That stinks. You might want to check on the tax returns, if you haven't already.

Divorce stinks, but sometimes, it's the only sane option, and once it's over, you have a life that's actually peaceful and sometimes enjoyable and fun!

Not sure -- is this the place to post updates, or should I start a new thread?

We're in the process of dividing up household items. He has an apartment and is taking his things there. I'm still in the house, though I don't know how long I can live here. Because of that, I'm searching for something to rent or lease -- there's nothing!! I'm leaning on my faith that something will open just at the time I need it.

Although the "rent" is "free" here (grumble, moan, whine and rehash), I don't like the uncertainty and would like to move ASAP. Plus, he comes everyday to feed animals (house in the country with livestock), then comes in and checks the refrigerator and watches a little television. It annoys and disrupts my life and my daughter's, but I don't say anything because it's temporary and because I find it important to pick my battles right now, especially until papers are signed.

Limbo. That's where I am. Of course, that's where I've been for some time, so this is just a new level.

I've developed this theory about my situation and would like some feedback and thoughts about it. My trauma was several years ago, followed by over 7 years of grueling work on my part only to rebuild trust. There were several mini-traumas along the way, but I thought I had "arrived" at a comfortable place in my marriage, where things weren't what I wanted or needed, but things were tolerable, and our kids could live with both parents in one house.

Now, as we are physically separating and the suit for divorce has been mailed to the courthouse, I'm beginning to think I actually emotionally divorced him years ago and have been simply working through the grieving process all these years.

It isn't easy, but it's not making me feel traumatized. I feel fear, but I feel relief. I'm not falling apart. I'm not angry. I'm just done.

PM,
I think this is just the right place to post your updates, and welcome back !!!! All of had to find that moment when we knew we had given our all and the only option left for us was to divorce. As you move through this process there will be bad days and then some better days as you move forward.

I'd like to know if you have filed yet ??

Got to agree with Karmarose, to get the meanest bulldog lawyer you can, the best advice I got on the lawyer choice was to ask around and get names of lawyers in your area that others would recommend. Get a list going and then when you have 4 or 5 that their names keep coming up go interview the top 3 and make your choice from them. You can usually get an initial consultation for free. You should be able to tell your story to the lawyer in 5 to 10 minutes and then be in a position to get what the lawyer can do for you.

Brace yourself for this to take some time, you have been married for 25 year and it will take while to unravel everything.

SC

We have both signed the initial agreement and mailed it back to my attorney. At this point, we are using one attorney, because we agreed to everything. There's not a great lot to fight over, really. The attorney has filed for the divorce. We'll be in the newspaper this week. Oh, joy.