Hello to all,
My marriage is just beginning. We're young,only been married 2 years but I feel like an old lady; like we've been married an eternity! I don't feel like a newlywed at all because our sex life is boring for me. Beleive it or not I think about sex all day everyday. When we have sex and it's usually unsatisfying (I never have an orgasm or reach a climax) I get my little toy and dream of my exes; it's sad to say but true. My sex life was so passionate and fun,like a sex scene in a movie but not anymore. I'm not obsessed with my husband, I don't miss him when he's away (this summer he went out of town for a week for work and when he got back I wished he's pack right back up and leave again). We have TWIN 2yr olds who have us at odds about parenting. It so tiring to hear him yell at them everyday and I'm frustrated with the demands of parenting as well. We have no time alone and no babysitters since our family lives in other states. On a bad day I wish I could run away for a week just to have a break.

If you match the children's ages with the number of years that we've been married you've guessed it...we got married to do the right thing. But it hasn't always been this way. While we dated sex was hot, I was 30lbs lighter and sexier and being flung around everywhere. We joked with one another and still do on a good day. We have a strange sense of humor. Everytime he gets on my nerves or vice versa we say, "Watch it or I'ma get rid of you", with a smirk.

Besides the boring, wham bam thank you maam sex being an issue I hate hearing him complain about my housekeeping and the way I take care of the children.

I wrote him a note yesterday but didnt give it to him. I complained about the crappy sex,how we're not like we were when we dated,about how dull I feel, and how I think me gaining weight has affected how I sexually fullfil his needs.

He just filled out the EN questionaire at 2pm today after I'd been begging since last night. He did it in a nonchalant way and didn't write in the fill in the blank part;numbers are very vage,especially a 3 on a scale of 1-10. I needed him to express his feelings clearly and on paper so I could refer back to the notes.
So after he completed it I said, "we should talk about 3 of these topics everyday until the packet is complete". He says alright. We get through the #1affection,#2sexual,and #3conversation part." I urged him to be specific and this is what he says, #3Conversation: "Does not want to hear about topics that are uninteresting to him (his example is when I talk about people sick/dying at work as I work at a hospital), wants more communication about plans, and says well you know MEN dont have a real need for conversation, WOMEN feel the need to talk more. smh. By then I'm pissed, but I push on asking more Qs so I can work on them. #2 Sexual: I ask is there anything specific that could make it more satisfying? No, just what said earlier sex more often. That's all? What's with that? My answer wouldve been wayyyy more detailed! But he does mention that when I come to him initiating sex I demand it right then and there and that if its a bad time for him and he wants it later;which means at night, I'm not in the mood. He says he doesnt understand that; how can you get in and out of the mood just like that. I explain to him that when I am in the mood I'm ready to go, I'm horny,I'm feeling sexy and if I don't get it then by nightfall I'm sleepy,not in the mood or I've been annoyed by something him or the children have done during the day.

That's my story...so what should be my next step now that we've started the EN questionaire?

Put the EN questionnaire (ENQ) on hold for now and go straight to the Love Buster questionnaire (LBQ). You have a big problem with demands and DJs.

Get the book Love Busters and read those 2 chapters (demands and disrespectful judgments).

Slow down. You don't need to cover 3 topics in one day. One a week, at most, is enough. Rushing through this will not get you anywhere any faster.

Listen to your husband's complaints, and do something about them. They're just as valid as yours. If the 30 lbs has affected your sex life, lose the 30 lbs. Start listening to how he'd like the house kept. Start listening to how he'd like the children cared for.

Stop judging the poor man.

I would really suggest you send an email to Dr. Harley (the one who founded this program). He�ll send you a free book for doing so. You and your husband need to get to reading Love Busters (it�s a book written by Dr. Harley). You�re concentrating on the needs being filled. However, a cracked jar. The love busters are creating cracks in this glass jar. So no matter how much you fill each others needs, your love is still slipping out of the cracks. Yes. Cheesy, I know. But you have to eliminate the love busters first. These are the things that each of you do to each other that irritates each other. Not that you shouldn�t work on filling each others needs. But you have to eliminate the love busters first. There�s a questionnaire off to the right side near where the ENs questionnaire is.

Now from your first post on the other thread, you�re demanding and badgering him that he fill out the questionnaire. You�re handing him this paper to fill out as soon as he walks through the door and you�re informing him that you two are going to start doing this program. So you�re basically demanding he do something and attempting to control what he does. Then when you don�t get the response you want or he�s not doing it fast enough for you, you�re essentially nagging at him. And then you�re following it up with a �we need to talk about our feelings.� This is a recipe for making a guy want to run and run fast! You�re in such a hurry to do this that you�re completely neglecting his input unless it�s how you want it. For example, he�s not saying a lot and you�re getting upset because you would have a lot more to say about the sex issue. Yes, YOU would have a lot to say. You�re not making it comfortable to express his thoughts and feelings because he�s not responding in a way that you think is acceptable. Basically you have a lot of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and etc going on.

Your posts have revolved around what he�s doing wrong. I�m pretty sure he�s not happy either. However, he�s found things to distract him because it�s possible you�re not being pleasant to be around. When you do this program, it�s about becoming the best spouse you can be for your spouse. So you concentrate on cleaning up your side of the street. The other thing is you have to entice him into this program and give him a reason that he should want to do the program. Right now he�s not seeing much of a reason to want to do the program�consider it an incentive.

A much better way to approach your husband might be �Honey, I�m really unhappy in our marriage right now. I want to have a really awesome marriage. I found this program that I think will get us there. I think that I haven�t been as good of a wife to you as I could have been. Will you sit down with me and fill out a couple things? I�d really like to get your feedback.� And then don�t make him feel wrong for the way he puts things down. If you want him to be honest then you have to make an environment that it�s okay to be honest.

On the sex part, it sounds like he feels you�re a selfish lover. And you feel the same about him. He feels like you want it when you want it and that�s about it. Maybe your weight gain bothers him. You have to make it okay for him to mention that. You might have to take the lead in bed and remind him how to please you by requesting certain things.

PD,

The very basic problem here is that you two are likely no longer in love with each other. Life has come along, and you both let it get in the way of your relationship. There are several things here that are destroying your marriage.

First of all is your husband's traveling job. Because he is away for long periods of time, you have each developed lifestyles independent of each other, and have become used to making decisions without regard for the other.

He needs a new job, and you need to read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement; never do anything (and it means ANYTHING) without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement.

Second is your masturbation and your masturbatory fantasy. You are actively fantasizing about commiting adultery. No wonder you have a sexual rift with your husband! Men who masturbate to porn create the same sexual problems in their marriages (I know, I did).

Lastly, you need to SLOW DOWN on trying to "fix" your husband, or this is going to blow up in your face. Lets work on YOU and see if a new you modeling good marriage habits can convince him to join you in a loving, romantic, sexually fulfilling marriage.

Welcome, p_d - good job, starting your own thread so quickly!

Let's look at a few things:

First of all, does your husband know how unhappy you are in your marriage? Certainly he is feeling some aggression from you about his behaviors. But have the two of you actually sat down and talked about what you want to do to make a great marriage? I think you've kept a lot of your frustration from him, but that doesn't make it go away. You are becoming (from the sounds of it, forgive me if I'm wrong) a frustrated, harpy wife with more complaints than compliments. It doesn't need to be like that.

Next: the practice of masturbating to fantasy exes completely unlevels the playing field for your husband. He cannot compete against this. Does he know that you are fantasizing about old lovers and relieving yourself? The practice of doing this will result in resentment against your husband. Time to stop.

And: the fact that your H travels for work isn't good for your marriage. Being apart overnight can create an environment that is conducive for an affair, and you don't want that. He needs to be home at night.

Another consequence of his travels is that you are left alone and have to act as a single parent, even when he's gone for only a short time. You are making decisions without his being there - in short, this is a breeding ground for independent behavior, which is detrimental to a marriage.

Finally, and this one is big: how many hours a week are the two of you spending together alone? NO kids, NO TV, etc. Just you and your husband, concentrating on each other? What's a typical week for you? Tell us what you do together on any given day.

p_d, I'm going to give you a link to read. It addresses the importance of UA (Undivided Attention)time for the health of your marriage. Read about it here.

Almost forgot: I saw this at the bottom of your post. What does it mean?

Probably her twitter name.

Hmmmm. I'd like to hear more about this.

So would I.

Dear Diva,

You are absolutely right in wanting to improve your marriage.
But remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.
If you want to build a solid, loving marriage house, you don't want to use cardboard and a ready-made cheap roof.
You will want to use the best materials, and bricks, so that your marriage house will be tornado-proof.

Befor you start, remember, having 2 children under the age of 3 is challenging. Especially, if they are your first children. You want to be a good mother and I am sure your husband wants to be a good father, but with the first child(ren) you lack routine.
You are tired, moody and and generally feeling not as 'on top of it' as you used to before the children. That makes you more vulnerable for problems in your relationship.

I most highly reccomend the excellent book of Anna Wahlgren, the swedish mother of 9(!) children, who wrote the book that she wished to have had when she brought home her first child.
http://www.amazon.de/Love-Children-Anna-Wahlgren/dp/919777362X
I read it after I already had 2 children, before the birth of my third child and I so wished I had read this book before! I realized what things I could have done better with the first two. And raising the third was so much easier! She has all kinds of practical hints for children and how to get them into a routine so you AND the children feel better! Best investment I ever made.

Secondly, it is far more effective to ENTICE your husband to fill out the questionaires than to force him. Because if you force him, he will only do it reluctantly and will not be as enthusiastic about it. You migth want to start by saying, that you love him a lot and want him to be happy and have the best relationship with him. And that to become a better wife, you need some help with filling out this questionaire. If you want him to really think about the questions, do not let him fill out the entire questionaire at once, especially if he is not enthusiastic. Maybe just ask him one of the questions, casually, whily you are working in the garden, or whashing up or something. You can ask him to explain why he feels like that, and maybe even tell him about your own needs.

The trick is, though to keep the conversation pleasant. You do not want him to feel like he is in court, being interrogate by the judge or being accused of being a bad husband. Remember, you married him because he was the man that made and wanted to make you happy, and you wanted to make him happy.
You must assume, that he still wants to make you happy.
The two of you have just lost sight of each other, but that can become better quite fast.

Thirdly, this is not a plan to repair a defective husband. It is only natural for you to see where he is lacking in meeting your needs. He, on the other hand feels the stings of you failing to meet HIS needs. By taking an honest look at his answers to the questions you will clearly see which areas should be tackled first!

Also, you should plan a date night. Most women can be very inventive and creative in planning those nights. We are often the ones who can set the emotional tone of the family, even if we are not aware of it. Don't be angry if you have to plan most of the dates. You should seek a solution for the child sitter problem. Maybe you have one or more friends, who also want to go out and you can take turns babysitting. If you have next-door neighbours, you could turn on the babyphone while the kids are sound asleep and hand it over to the neighbours. They would only have to take a look in case of problems. That way, you can go away for 2-3 hours, and you don't need a baby-sitter. (If they don't sleep, buy the book)
You can go to a store where they have free baby-sitting and just shop undisturbed, to take your mind of things.
Go jogging with the children in stroller, Drive around with the children in the back seets sleeping.
Well, be creative. Also, if your children are asleep at 19:00 you have 2 hours of undivided attention rigth there every night.

About the sexual issues:
You are actively comparing a real-life perfectly good husband to the few best sexual experiences with other men in your memory. Let's face it, if those boyfriends would have been so good all the time, in bed and out, you would still be with them. An imaginary affair can be just as devastating as a real affair. Throw the vibrator out and stop masturbating for the following reasons:
a. imaginary sex with imaginary people is always perfect because you imagine it so. Your husband will by contrast look less perfect than he actually is in comparison.
b. having had your orgasm will dull your reactions to your husbands caresses.
c. you are cheating on your husband and cheating him out of being your only and most important lover. (how would YOU feel if he masturbated daily while thinking of his ex-girlfriend?)
d. you have gotten used to fast and easy sex and have less patience and longing for real sex with your real husband.
e. Do not run away from the real world, you can only solve your real problems in the real world by facing them.
f. Sex is not a quick fix, it should be an act of love between two people who love each other more than anything. Once you experience that, no amount of self-made quickies will be able to even come close to satisfying you. You have probably gotten used to experience sex as mutual masturbation. It may sound silly and old-fashioned to you now, but you will KNOW when you experience the real thing. It is AWESOME, it really is.

1. Buy Anna Wahlgrens's book, you won't regret it.
2. stop saying, even playfully, that you are going to do away with your husband
3. Plan to meet his emotional needs this month and avoid love busters. That way you may jump-start his love bank and break your habit.
4. Refine number 3. by gradually letting husband fill out the questionaire and talking to him about your needs too. Don't forget the LB questionaire for the bothe of you. Pick the right time and setting.
5. Plan fun things to do together.
6. break your bad sexual habits and wait half a year. Only after the contrast effect wanes and your 'fog' has worn of, you may be able to see what your real sexual needs are. You might be surprised.
7. Join a gym and go 3-5 times a week, PERIOD. AND plan your food for the week. Those pounds did not appear in a week, but if you keep going to the gym, you WILL look better next summer. Call today and pick a gym with child care (ask your family to give you money for your birthday.)

Well, you can turn not only your life, but three other lives around as well. Just start. Today. This website offers lots of great advice.

I wish you a grand new year,

God bless you, happyheart.

Diva, romantic love is maintained in marriage when you spend 15 hours of undivided attention time per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. This program does not work without it. This is time you spend AWAY from your children, friends, and TV.

Harley does not recommend a "date night" but rather DATE NIGHTS. In order for this program to work you must be getting 15 hours of UA time; it does not work without it. I realize this is hard to do with smaller children, but it can be done with some creativity and some willingness. The BEST UA time is spent going out when you are at your most energetic, NOT late at night when you are exhausted and the house is a wreck and the phone is ringing. The environment at home is much less romantic because its a place where you have been caring for children.


This would not count as undivided attention time. It should be time spent away from the children, so they won't be disturbed.

How nice, why did you leave out the juicy part, ML?

Hello to all,
A week has passed. I followed your advice and stopped doing the EN questionaire for now. Now he asks everytime a dish is out of place, "What was the purpose of me filling that out again?" I look at him and shake my head everytime.

I agree that the love busters may be the next step for us because there is sooo much that bothers me on a daily basis and I have a gist of what I do to aggrevate him. For instance, I may not put laundry away for a week or leave a hand-ful of dishes un washed. But in my defense the only reason I do those things is because after work I just want to rest. Housework just seems overwhelming after real work.

He works from home now and only went on an out of town trip twice but it was like a vacation from him. He still leaves to go play basketball in the evening whenever his friends call and plays video games or is on the computer all day while I feel lonely in the bedroom watching tv. He is right gone now by the way.

Every other day I would say "Can you come in the room and pay me some attention or come in the room so we can watch tv together." He puts me off until I don't bother to ask again. And 8 oclock rolls around and I'm pooped from the day. By the time he gets in bed I'm in a deep sleep.
I've been asking for sex more than usual lately so that he can be satisfied. I think he is. Unfortunately, I don't get as much out of it like I said it's nothing like the sex I used to have.I try to spice it up with foreplay. All the passionate stuff like biting, kissing, *edit* is the stuff he doesn't care for and I crave it. He tells me to stop and that kills the mood for me but I try to carry on. Sigh.

Whenever he doesnt pay me attention its like its during commercial break or something, he'll come crack a joke or complain about something depending on his mood.
Last week I barely said a word to him unless it was an update of some kind so he'd be informed. I'm trying to get better at that part seince he says I leave him in the dark.
I've been trying to work on the three first pages of the EN questionaire that we DID go over.

As a result of me wanting to keep the peace and be relaxed after work I drank wine everyday, this is a habit that I'm not going to continue but it made my day easier and I wasn't as lonely. I am trying to work on myself everyday and maybe he will be concerned about my needs in the future too. I still love him and he still loves me but our relationship is strained. We even went to the movies this weekend (with the children,some date night).

I just got interrupted so I will write a more detailed messege as soon as possible, I need all the help I can get.

P_D, you never answered my questions. What does this mean?

And have you read the link I gave you about UA time?

Did you read our posts about getting in 20+ hours of undivided attention time? None of the above is going to help your marriage. Watching TV together is not UA time. WAiting until 8pm is not quality UA time because you are exhausted.

In order to restore the love in your marriage, you have to schedule 20+ hours of UA time per week. That usually means 4 dates in 2 to 4 hour blocks of UA time. Have you explained this to him?

It is really important that the two of you start meeting each others emotional needs. Also, you need to stop love busting (i.e. basically being unfriendly) to one another.

Allthough it is understandable, that the taking care of small children has been taking its toll, that does NOT make it less detrimental.
Obviously, he is not fun to be around for you, and you seem to be the same for him. A recipe for disaster.

Don't stay at home. And try not take the children, if you are planning a date.
It is only in your best interest to try to meet his domestic needs. I am domestically challenged too, but drinking wine and leaving the laundry is not going to help you be a fun wife for your H.

It just might be, that you have to set the right example here and he will come out of taker mode too.
Please remember, that your taker is also active. You don't feel like talking to him anymore and shake your head at him, that is not good.

Please talk to him again and tell him you love him with all your heart. And because you love him, you want the best marriage, and right now you have both been stressed and need a break. Please think of ways together to come up with the time the two of you need to feel close again and have fun and be in love like you used to. Tell him he is too important to you, to not make the effort. Think of ways to make undivided attention time fun for him too.

I am relatively sure, that the sexual fulfillment is going to improve majorly, once the two of you find back the 'in love' feeling.

You can do this.

Good luck, Happyheart