I love my wife and kids. I have taken us from 2 broken and poor families to a strong life style and what will be a comfortable retirement. I worked hard to achieve this. In all that time all I wanted from my wife was for her to keep her figure. She doesn't have to work. She has a cleaning lady. We take vacations and I am home by 5 to help with the boys and their sports. The only thing I asked was for her to maintain herself. Not only has she not but she now drinks way to much. We are in counseling to help fix our marriage but I can't take much more. It has become such a huge thing that we are starting to hate each other. I can't imagine a divorce and not being with my kids. Am I wrong for wanting this? For wanting my wife to be beautiful again? For wanting her to want to do this for me. She is only 44 and she acts like she is 64. She has been divorced and has come from a divorced home. Everytime we fight she says lets get a divorce.

Have you read the basic concepts here? You would know the answer to this if you had. Why don't you go read them (link at top of page) and then come back with questions about how to implement the program?

Physical attractiveness is one of the ENs. I would caution you against unrealistic expectations--a healthy weight and effort toward looking nice are realistic. Turning her back into a 20 year old with no children is not going to happen.

You very much need the Marriage Builders program. This program resolves every problem you mention, her weight, her drinking, your fighting, the loss of love in your marriage. This is the only program that will help you fall in love with other again.

Have you discussed her appearance with her honestly? If so, what is her reaction?

I read it last night and this morning. How do you implement this system? Do you just start reading the basic concepts together? Can you have a marriage therapist oversee this program with you?

I did speak to her about it. We are in therapy. She thinks I should love her unconditionally

Check this out: What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love

Have her read this by Dr. Harley What's wrong with Unconditional Love #1

What's Wrong with Unconditional Love #2

Also the coaching center Coaching Center

Home Study Program

There are a few ways to do this outlined in this article. here If you are methodical and disciplined, you can do it yourself. But in your case, I think you need a MB coach to sell this to your wife. [maybe just to start off] They do phone counseling for $200 and they assess your situation and give you a plan to work at home. The coaches are Dr Harley's children, Dr Jennifer Chalmers and Steve Harley. I would go with Dr Chalmers because I think she could reach your wife.

Many of us have used the online program with great success. I would emphasize that Marriage Builders is completely different from other programs in that it's goal is to restore the romantic love in your marriage. They don't waste your time with psychobabble or wild goose chases into your childhood. They assess your situation and give you an effective plan.

May I point out some things in your original post that you might reconsider?


WHO? Just you, by yourself? Your wife was worthless in this endeavor?


You should want more than that! Is that really ALL you wanted? Why didn't you just buy a barbie doll? Is this ALL you thought your wife could offer?

I know this sounds harsh, but I bring these out now that you have read the basic concepts because these quotes are telling about how you think of your wife. She is a human being, not a helpless piece of arm candy, and while you are working to encourage her to meet your need for attractiveness, you can also consider whether or not you've treated her like she has contributed nothing to the marriage and has failed as a barbie doll, the ONLY thing you wanted from her. Okay?

I have been where your wife is at and I can tell you that she probably has a lot of emotional scars from her past and for you to to tell her you are not happy with her weight is just another wound being added that will add another scar.
Have you asked yourself if you are being everything she needs? Yes, you work hard and provide a great life but are you giving her the emotional needs as well? I am afraid that you are not if her weight is an issue with you and I can tell you from a woman's point of view, if you were my husband, I would be heartbroken if all you could see in me is my weight gain.

You need to figure out why your wife is so down and drinking so much. I can guarantee that somewhere in it all, you are part of the problem.

Italics mine. Full article here: Dr. Harley on Physical Attractiveness

KileyAnn, you need to read and understand a lot more about Dr Harley's concepts before you post MB advice to others (and MB advice is what this forum is provided for).

His wife's wounds and scars do not negate this H's entirely legitimate need for an attractive spouse. CWMI is right to question his phrasing of this problem as the only thing he wants from his wife - but if it is one of the things he needs to feel in love with his wife, we should not be educating him to stop feeling this way. To do so goes against the entire concept of emotional needs.

Kiley, if physical attractiveness is one of his top ENs, then how do you suggest he tell her that her weight gain affects the love he feels for her? This is a top need for many men and it influences their sexual desire too. If she is not meeting those 2 needs, he will fall out of love.

Do you think she wants her husband to be in love with her? His telling her the truth is like getting an overdraft notice from the bank. No one likes getting them, but the alternative is much worse.

What does she do all day? Doesn't need to work, has a cleaner -? Is she filling her time with drinking? Is she an alcoholic? An alcoholic does not care for their appearance so much as time goes on and we all know that alcohol can contribute to weight gain (or severe weight loss, either way). An alcoholic puts alcohol before the needs of their spouse.

While I understand you wish your wife to maintain a certain image (and I assume you are being reasonable, not expecting a 20 year old childless figure), but if she is an alcoholic, her addiction will prevent her from caring about herself and your needs, so addiction may be the focus here.

KileyAnn: One of the biggest mistakes us women can make, is disregarding a man's need for an attractive spouse. Getting angry at that desire does not change the biological need for the vast majority of men. Most men do not require their wife to be a pinup model despite 20 years and 5 kids, BUT, they do desire a spouse who wishes to maintain health/figure especially when the woman knows he desires it. Obviously after 3 pregnancies I do not look the same as when I first met my husband, but the effort of eating well and working out goes a long way to meet his needs and it's not fair of me to dismiss those needs.

It's like a man complaining that women desire financial security. To some men, that makes US shallow but really, it fulfills our biological need, protection for us and our children. You can be a broke man and complain until the cows come home, but that doesn't change the reality of how the majority of women feel. You don't need to be a millionaire but if you sit on welfare and complain, you can't blame a girl for not being interested.

If that makes sense...

blkmgk - MelodyLane is right: this is not about scars from childhood. Get with MB, either the coaching or the online program.

It is OK for YOU to have emotional needs in a marriage, and one of those needs for men is often a physically attractive spouse.

Your wife's belief that "you should love her unconditionally" is a philosophy that will hurt your marriage. Love is created and destroyed by how we care for one another, how effectively we meet our spouse's emotional needs & avoid hurting them.

The MB program will explain all of this. Please seek them out.

My prayers & thoughts are with you both! You will both grow and benefit!

Good luck.

It is a top need for you, period.

This is a sticky subject and I agree with the others, I think it may be a good idea to get some help here from the Harley's.

Best choice may be to contact Jennifer, she probably would have an easier time getting thru to your wife in a way that is effective yet appropriate. Perhaps if this is not an option you could email Joyce and Dr. Harley?

Good luck...keep us posted!

it shoudn't but it does

She doesn't have to work.
She doesn't have to clean.
You help with housework.

I know you are doing this to help her, but on the other hand, what does she have to do? I wonder if her self esteem is low because her self-worth is lacking?

Wouldn't it be a disrespectful judgment for a husband to think that of his wife? That sounds like trying to practice mind-reading, to me.

I am just saying that if she doesn't nave a role, a goal in life that perhaps he needs to rethink having her do nothing because the situation now doesn't seem to be working.