I'm not married, but am in a serious relationship with a man, and we have a child together who is 7 months old. I was previously married for 8 years, and have two children from that marriage. We divorced after many years of unhappiness, mostly related to him not paying any attention to, or spending any time with, me and my children, and also being unfaithful. Now the same thing seems to be happening with this man.

The first few months together were the best I'd ever had. I really thought he was the one. He adored me, and I adored him. He promised he was different from all the other men I'd been with--that he was a man of his word, and I could trust him. Then I went through a very painful miscarriage, and everything seemed to start falling apart. I got pregnant again shortly after, and it just seemed to make things worse. He started getting a LOT of text messages from some girl that had seen him at the medical clinic, overheard his name, and searched him out on Facebook. (Even worse, this all happened the same day I was in the hospital for my miscarriage.) I kept seeing her name pop up on his phone, but his phone had a lock on it so I could never read the messages. I kept asking why this person was texting so much, and he said she was annoying, and he kept trying to get her to stop. I found his Facebook open one day and there was a message from her saying something like, "What the hell, I thought you were a nice guy, I feel so used, etc..." I was so upset, but not knowing for sure what happened, I left it alone. His FB was open a few more times, and I'd find messages to other girls here and there calling them "cutie" or telling them how gorgeous they were, and how with one of them he wished they could meet up one weekend a year and do nothing but have sex and order takeout.

Many months later, I got a FB message from this medical clinic girl asking if I was still with him, because I should know that he cheated on me with her. He vehemently denied it, saying she was crazy and that she was angry that he wouldn't cheat on me and be with her, so she was trying to get him in trouble, and they had never even met face-to-face. He got mad that I wouldn't trust him, and didn't talk to me for a few days (whenever we fight, he always threatens to leave, and I always get the silent treatment. One reason I avoid conflict.) I didn't necessarily believe him, but decided that regardless of what happened, I wanted to stay with him and fix things, so I tried to move past it.

In the meantime, he started getting texts from a different girl constantly, but kept telling me I had nothing to worry about. He was also constantly playing online poker, and was talking to several girls from there. I had our baby, and things were good for a little while. He is an awesome father, and genuinely loves our little girl.

After a few months, he started getting really sucked into Playstation Home (basically like Second Life,) and I literally never see him anymore. He doesn't spend any time with me or the kids, if he's not working, he's sleeping or on the PS3. One night I walked into the room downstairs to find him basically having cybersex in PSHome with some woman. I got really upset, telling him he has a perfectly good woman right here who would sleep with him any time he wanted (our sex life used to be great, but has plummeted in the past year or so.) He says there has become a huge gap between us, and he's right, but how can we fix it if he won't make any time for me? He said he was just doing that with this woman so she would let him download all her games, and there was nothing for me to worry about. He said she was a 40 year old mother of five, and he had no interest in her. We didn't talk for a few days again, and he threatened to leave, again, and eventually decided to stay.

He said he still loves me and is still attracted to me, just that we need to repair this gap somehow. He says every time he tries, and we finally start to get closer, I do something to set us back again (like pressure him, or make "immature comments" when I'm mad.) He said he wants to try to be better for me. I've tried to back off, tried to not make snarky comments, tried to be the best girlfriend I can be. I even paid for us to fly across the country so his family could meet the baby and he could see his mom for the first time in years. I pay for everything around here. I look after the kids by myself, I cook, I clean, I do what I can, and he just sits down there playing games. I've asked him if he's still doing inappropriate things on PSHome, he says he's not--once again, I have "nothing to worry about."

But now he's getting tons and tons of texts from the same girl that I caught him with on PSHome that night. This morning he got home from work (he works nights,) and his phone went off 4 times in an hour, and they were all from her. I looked in his computer history and found out her name. We're on the west coast of Canada, and she's on the east coast of the US, so I know there's no way he'll ever meet her, but it still bothers me so much. It's an emotional affair, and I just wonder what is so interesting about this woman that he can talk to her and not to me. I want to send her a FB message and tell her to leave him alone, but I know that's not constructive. I would confront him about it, but he'll just deny everything, get mad at me for not trusting him, and probably lie to me even more, and nothing will ever get solved.

All I want is to find a way to get back the closeness we used to have, but I don't know how, when he makes himself unavailable. I'm trying as hard as I can without pressuring him. I found out how to look at his iPhone texts by getting a file off his computer, but I haven't done it yet. Partly afraid of what I'll see, and partly don't want to invade his privacy even more. My ex-husband put a keylogger on my computer once, and even though there was nothing for him to see, I was really angry and felt really violated. I already feel guilty about the amount of snooping I've already done, but I just don't feel like I'll ever know what's happening unless I do. It was the only way I found out my ex was cheating, by looking in his phone and computer.

I know he's not sleeping with anyone else physically, because he honestly doesn't ever leave the house unless he's working, and he only just went back to work a couple weeks ago. Before that he was on parental leave, and spent about the past 6 months in the basement on the PS3, without showering for a week at a time. I know he's not physically cheating, at least not right now, but even online feels the same. If I confront him again, I know how it will play out. If I say nothing, I continue to feel this way--ignored, unloved, lied to.

I love him so much--I still, for some reason, feel the exact same way about him as I did when we were first together, and I just want to repair this relationship and hopefully get there again. I don't know how. It feels like I'm the only one trying. I don't really know what I'm looking for here...but I just need to get this all out, and get some other people's viewpoints, I guess.

And, should I snoop? It feels so wrong, but so does not knowing what is going on. And knowing I'll never get the truth unless I do. Sorry this is so long and rambly...it's hard to sort out my thoughts, and I just feel like I'm powerless to do anything about this situation without making it worse.

PSW,

Please go back and put paragraphs in your post it is difficult to read as is and your will get fewer responses, break it up by timeline or topic.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome.

Why are you not married?

Please read this by Dr. Harley Snooping is it right or wrong?
Please read this also. Preparing for Marriage

He is having multiple affairs and this is not good for your DD and kids to be around. Operation Investigate

We're not married because my divorce is still not final (mostly for financial reasons, it costs a lot to settle the property. But I'm working on it, it's just going slowly. He has also said this bothers him, but I'm doing what I can.) He is technically still married as well--he was only married for a few months, but it has never been finalized.

I would marry him if he asked me...I keep hoping he'll ask me, so that when things are said and done we could make things official, but I honestly wonder if he even loves me enough to propose.

PS, how old are you? Did you leave your ex-husband for your current baby-daddy? When was your divorce final? Are you currently living with your baby's daddy?

When did the two of you get together?

How long have you been separated from your spouses?

Both of them are still married.

You both were together while you're still M?

Are you each other's affair partners?

You are both married??

Listen to this radio clip from Dr. Harley talking about affairage ( a marriage between affair partners).
Radio clip on affairages

Okay, I'm Mr. Point Blank, so I'll ask the direct question:

Is this union (and child) of yours a direct result of both of you committing adultery on your spouses?

I think it's a fair question, and it's a simple yes or no question.

Already asked her TW.

She said this and you said this I'll go back and re-read to figure it out.

Yeah, I know now, you just type faster than I do.

Oh, got it! They're BOTH adulterers! Okay, NOW I have a starting point. I'll go back and read her posts to get the rest of the story...

Here it is...

They're both still married. It looks like she thinks that she is divorced.

I'm 33 (as is he.) My ex and I had been apart for two years before I met baby-daddy. I never cheated on my ex, the marriage was over long before I met my current partner, and he has been separated from his ex-wife for almost 8 years. WE ARE NOT AFFAIR-PARTNERS, WE WERE BOTH SINGLE WHEN WE MET. Yes, technically still married to my ex, but only because the paperwork has not been finalized with the house. But definitely separated. I'm not an adulterer, and I'm not sure how you got that from my post?

Yes, we are currently living together. We've only been together for about a year and a half though. Obviously, we've been through a lot in that time.

You are still married.

There is no way around that. YOU WERE STILL MARRIED.

He is separated? STILL MARRIED.

NO, YOU WEREN'T. YOU WERE MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE.