Do you want to recover your marriage with your husband or are you here because your boytoy dumped you? You had no remorse in your previous thread and quite frankly don't seem to have any right now.

SKK, as per your original thread which was locked by moderators by your PROMOTION of adultery:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165227&Number=2570094#Post2570094

Why on earth are you here??

Good grief I just read your original post. I second that, WHY are you here? You seem to have been looking for some approval for having a friends with benefits (ie AFFAIR) relationship behind your husband's back, and a pat on the back for your complete lack of boundaries and perhaps swinging (?) lifestyle. You had 3 pages of responses, none of which you addressed. And now you have started a new thread that continues to show a lack of remorse. To what purpose????

I think it was made quite clear by the moderator's closing your last thread, nobody here will support or nurture your affair or deluded thinking.

I concur! Your original posts and the starter post from this thread are 2 ENTIRELY different things. I won't bother giving any feedback because you wouldn't like what I have to say. Nor will I comment further because reading your 2 posts I have come to the conclusion that......

A. You are seeking some sort of approval for your disgusting behavior.

or

B. You are an OW simply looking to rile up the BS's here.

I won't take this post seriously lest you show remorse for what you have done to your BH and BF (betrayed family... not best friend). But!.... also your friend who's husband you shamelessly jumped in the sack with. If you do this to friends.... I would hate to see what you do to your enemies.

If you are here to cause strife and or chaos.... your bluff will be called. The vets here can sniff out bullshizz pretty quickly.

Were going to need to see you tell your BH the truth, SKK.

Until that day, you aren't someone who is remotely interested in being married, or indeed a good person.

Your call: honesty yes or no?

I agree LM, when I read that first thread my radar went up and I thought, this seems like someone with a vendetta against BS's that is trying to waste time/cause havoc on these boards. I have NO idea how a person could be so disgusting if that is true, but I suppose there are people of all types in this world. And I am no vet! So if that is what I think, wonder what the vets think!

I did promise to stay away for a week, but this thread will be locked looooong before that!

Our poster's title, Affair over... But marriage lonely..., brings to mind this doggerel:

Lizzie Borden took her axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.

....and then begged for clemency as she was an orphan!

SKK, speaking to you as a man who had an affair 3 & a half years ago & who almost wrecked a wonderful marriage on account of it, indulge me for a moment while I unpack this for you with the benefit of some hindsight & perspective which you (to put it diplomatically) might yet someday acquire, with effort & thoughtfulness, if you so choose:

Working on rebuilding? How so? Rebuilding depends upon a foundation of truth. You have determined to try to "rebuild" upon a foundation that's hollowed-out from the get-go by the ongoing deception that you have decided to maintain. You think your husband doesn't sense that you're not being honest, transparent or open with him? What effect do you think that has on his willingness to make himself vulnerable to you? Do you think it's been a positive effect?

Two thoughts can't occupy the same point in time, SKK. If you're continually thinking about your affair-partner, then you're not thinking about your husband, and not thinking about investing in your marriage. Marriage needs to be a full-time endeavor for it to work. You need to be all-in, not one foot (or one thought) on the boat and one foot (or thought) on the shore. Mentally, you continue to think about the other man more because you have not made a serious effort to foreclose to yourself the possibility of rekindling the affair at some future point. You can foreclose this by confessing to your husband and to the other man's wife, and by implementing a strict policy of no contact, for life. If you are serious about wanting to fix your marriage, that's what you'll do. Otherwise, you'll only be pretending (badly) to be serious.

Funny, in your ill-fated post of 6 months ago, you said it was OK. So did your affair have a beneficial effect on sex in your marriage? I guess not. Now that's a shocker, there, isn't it? Did you buy into the commonly-held cultural myth that having an affair can shore up a marriage?

For the love of God, please stop with the "children" bit. Can you please answer:
--Were you connecting with your daughter when you had your other man between your legs?
--Were you being attentive to your children while you were texting and talking with him to set up each clandestine rendezvous?
--Did you spend quality time with your daughter when you were en route to & from him?
Of course not.
Please just stop and listen to your own hypocrisy. As a parent who was guilty of the same sort of neglect, it makes me vomit. It should give you the same pause. Alleging that your spouse is a poor and neglectful parent to your children, when you have conspired to cuckold their father and maintain an ongoing deception against him, and when you spent months thinking foremost of your own satisfaction, is dishonorable, base and mean in the most pejorative senses of those words. Please do not continue with this line of discussion, except perhaps to apologize to every parent here. On this point, you are throwing stones from the cantilevered balcony of a glass house. You have no standing to criticize his parenting at this time. Just please stop, now.

How about doing a mental, back-of-the-envelope calcuation to add up all the time that you have spent investing in your relationship with the other man. Your thougts of him, your conversations with him, your electronic correspondence, and the time you spent together, the time you spent traveling back and forth, and the time and mental energy you invested in keeping up your alibis and cover stories in order to maintain the deception. Add it all up. Over 6 months, I'll bet it came to a considerable number of hours, if not weeks' worth of time from your life. That is time that you could have invested in your relationship with your husband, but chose not to. Do you think your husband did not sense that he was no longer your first priority during this time? How do you think that may have affected his comfort level in investing emotionally in you?

A better question to ask is, when will you start working on the marriage? Hint: You start from the point of honesty. You're not there yet. You have not even begun to work on rebuilding this marriage. You have not been working on this marriage for at least half a year now.

As I said, you have not yet begun to work.

The work of recovering a marriage begins with ending the affair properly (see links that have been posted to you by other posters), and it starts with honesty, with simple truth.

And the good news is, it can work. I'm living proof. The fact that my wife & I will celebrate our 20th anniversary later this month, more in love than ever, when it could've been all over before #17, is proof. But it has to start with honesty, and with humility to begin to see one's own shortcomings with some sense of perspective. Marital recovery needs to be a 2-way street, and if it is to work, then yes, at some point he will need to be willing to acknowledge ways in which he hasn't met your needs and to strive to improve upon that. But it needs to start from a foundation of truth -- there's no other way to marital intimacy.

You want to save your marriage? Then come clean. Get honest with your husband. Then come back and we'll walk you through the rest of it.
If you're at all serious about this, that is.

Glove Oil .... a masterful post.
Just so you do not think you've wasted your effort on deaf ears and a closed mind .... I shared this post ** HERE **

I have had a sexual affair It's called adultery with a friends husband for the past 6 months. A "friend" for whom you have no compassion.


The sex has been extremely fulfilling, and this man has made me feel physical pleasure that I have not experienced before. Here you are, an unrepentant adulteress on a pro-marriage forum, gleefully stabbing every betrayed husband on MB in the back.
Again, no compassion.


My husband and I are in our mid 40's and have been married 19 years with two children. A husband and children for whom you have no compassion.

The other man has effectively ended the affair as he thought I was becoming too emotionally involved. He used your vagina, and wanted nothing else from you. Did he at least pay for motels and other adultery expenses? Or, did you pay him to rent your body for a few hours?

Yes, I probably was. Yes, you probably had no compassion for anyone then, or now.

I think it's almost impossible for a woman to have sex without some level of emotion. Emotion? You spread your legs for a "friend's" husband. Meanwhile putting your entire family at risk. And, for what exactly? An "emotion"? Let's call it lust, shall we.


I am ok with the affair ending. Well, aren't you being kind to yourself? (sarcasm, by-the-way) You should be grateful the adultery has ended, not "OK". Shame on you !


I knew it was wrong and eventually there would have been a lot of hurt and pain if it had been discovered. What a huge hypocrite and coward you are. Not to mention a betrayer of marriage/family/friendship/trust. You are OK with becoming this awful woman, as long as you haven't been caught.


I am now working on rebuilding my marriage with my husband, but I am finding that I am continually thinking about this other man. By "other man" do you mean your "friend's" husband? Shame on you. Start thinking about your "friend" instead. But, you don't, do you? Because you lack compassion.



Sex with m husband is not as fulfilling to me any more. Have you read any MB concepts? Have you? Do you know about the "Love Bank" and what happens when you allow another woman's husband to fill your most intimate emotional needs? Please, do not post any more without availing yourself of the BASIC CONCEPTS, available without cost to you !


My husband has become a grumpy man, he spends most evenings working, and is short tempered with our children, ESP has little patience with our 12 year old daughter, whm he simply doesn't seem to connect with. The very same daughter for whom you showed no compassion while you were busy screwing another woman's husband? Sweetie, your hypocrisy is showing again. Great role-model by-the-way. (just kidding)


How do I ssaints this marriage?
Locate your compassion and your honesty and your humility and your repentance, and plug them in and use them!


I don't want to be with my ex lover, and he clearly wants to stay with his wife and family, but I am feeling very lonely and unloved, ignored even - most likely the very same feelings that led me to look outside my marriage for attention 6 months ago. Nice attempt to blame shift. Your "poor-poor-pittiful-me" attitude will not work here, sister. What did your "friend" do to deserve your betrayal and repeated unrepentant stabbings in her back?

Boo-hoo ..... Someone call the Whaaaaaaaaaaambulance !!!



How long do I work on this marriage?
You cannot continue to lie and betray and claim you are "working on" anything. Show some compassion and get HONEST.


When do I say that I cannot live like this any longer.... We have grown apart n an emotional level. My husband rarely seems happy any more.. Please help. Let's see .... you've been cheating/lying without any showing any compassion towards your husband/your children/your friend .... and you "Cannot live like this any longer". Glad to hear it! You've grown apart BECAUSE of your lack of caring/compassion/empathy. You have grown apart because of your willingness to lie/cheat/betray your friends and family in a most vile & despicable manner.


No, I haven't told my husband. And he has not told his wife. Because you are both cut from the same despicable cloth. The cloth of liars/cheats/betrayers.


I don't want to hurt anyone. THIS is a BIG FAT LIE! You have no problem hurting anyone. What did you think? That adultery would be like a birthday party? Fun & games?





He doesnt want to lose his wife or family either. He was willing to risk everything for a ride on your vagina. This is not a good man. You are not a decent woman.


Is this the right ormwrong approach? Need you ask? READ the Marriage Builders Basic Concepts.
BUY the book "Surviving an Affair".
The "what do I do?" is all there.


We only see this couple occasionally. Shame on you! This is totally despicable and frankly makes you look even more cruel than just about everything else you've written. Hypocrite pretending to be her friend.


I feel confident that I can resist this other man in the future, and I am certain that we both understand " no more". I feel certain you are a liar/cheat/betrayer today as much as yesterday.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it !

So, Pep, recovering very well from your procedure, I see!

I have a "strange" feeling this poster will not be coming back.

Which is too bad ... what a great chance for the OP to come clean and repair her marriage. Come here... get some 2x4s to lift the fog a bit ... ask some questions .. then move forward with some just compensation for her hubby. Guess she feels entitled to her "happiness". Which is bringing more misery than she can imagine... or even see yet most likely. Oh well .. hopefully the OP comes back after her head clears and turns this around.

MNG

WW's are the hardest I think to get the fog lifted... been on the pedestal far too long.

Building my strength back up to face the next one !

I had to her for disrespecting every betrayed husband on the MB forums.

The nerve!

PS MNG

These WW's usually continue to read after they have "gone".
Who knows, perhaps something will sink in.

I maintain hope and prayers for every wayward who sincerely wants to turn the adultery ship around .... and not sink like the Titanic did 100 years ago.

I guess shes living the new 3D version that just came out :P

Spoiler alert!

*GASP* ... i never even seen that one coming! :p

Nothing like a good translation of wayward speak by Pepper! :heart