Hello!

I don't have a thread with my story and it is looonnnggg so I tried to summarize it below. I hope that helps some. Just ask if I need to fill in gaps.

After years of fighting and trying so very hard for my marriage I now have a FWH who is busting his tail to do everything right. Problem is 5 months or so into recovery I am suddenly so angry that I don't want it! Help! Is this normal? Is it going to go away?

FWH has cut all ties to OW, it even required cutting ties with some close family which I know was hard. He has committed himself to our marriage, is doing everything within his power to make things good and help me recover. He is remorseful. He is transparent. He is attentive. He really is finally doing everything I needed him to do!

I started out fantastic, grateful, happy, feeling very "in love", and so very hopeful. But now, it just seems to have hit me how awful these past years have been and I am very angry, and feeling very done. I feel foolish for all the time and energy I gave. I feel ripped off that I was faithful the whole time and it doesn't seem to have mattered. I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore. What is wrong with me? Nothing happened to trigger this, I just woke up one day and it was like I saw my life for the first time. I don't understand.

I know one thing that is really heavy on my mind is that FWH has acknowledged that he would in no way accept a call from either of the two main OW (this was being discussed because they could get through to his work if not anywhere else)because he couldn't take a chance of there being any "spark". Well at first I was thrilled to hear him say this because it meant he GOT IT. He was understanding now how this stuff happens and boundaries, etc. Well now I feel ticked that I am giving my whole self and life to a man who can be "sparked" at a moments notice by another woman. Geez! Really?? I can't seem to get okay with that at the moment.

I know that if we make our marriage the best it can be with this program that these issues are supposed to fade but I am struggling big time. I feel guilty because FWH is working so hard.

Has anyone else been through this? Is it just a phase to work through? Please someone help! I need to be talked off the ledge.

Thanks in advance!
Aerie

Me BW 40
FWH 50
M 12 yrs
DD #1 3/17/07 EA (OW#1) that started in 2005?

limped along for 2.5 years

moved out 8/2009
attending counseling and "dating" my FWH working to reconcile

DD #2 7/2010 2nd EA (OW#2) that ended up PA

7/2010 discovered complete double life with multiple women and heavy internet dating site participation

8/2010 filed for D

FWH begged pleaded promised the world to reconcile, continued counseling

11/2010 FWH said he cut all ties with other women

1/2011 put divorce action on hold

4/2011 planned to return home

4/2011 DD #3 OW#2 and all dating activities never stopped

More trying...

7/2011 DD#4 more of the same

8/2011 final divorce hearing set for 11/2011 and Plan B in place - counseling separately

10/2011 through counselor FWH met all conditions for reconciliation beginning 3 intense weeks of counseling, confessions, cutting of ties, etc.

11/2011 cancelled divorce, renewed wedding vows and returned home

Thinking on it more, I should have added that I have a very hard time with triggers and bad thoughts and dreams. I have all along. I think that is part of this, I feel like I hurt all the time and I have to work so hard at this all the time and I am tired. FWH does try to help me through those times but he can't really make it stop.

I am worn out and not sure what/why I am doing it for anymore.

Aerie

I want to thank you for posting this and you did a good job expressing it. I share very similar feelings as you (1.5 yrs post DD #3).

I see it as, once you're past the shock, rejection, hurt, and anger, you go through the hoops/changes thinking it's something YOU'RE doing wrong -- because they claim it's you that doesn't love them enough, doesn't understand them, or doesn't feed their needs. Then, you get to a point when you discover it's NOT you, it's them! --- and not just DJ or blame -- it REALLY IS them!

Trying to form "love" around that is challenging, to say the least. All your old principles and understanding about your commitment, your life together, how you believe he feels about you, and the comfort of real love, has gone out the window. Now, you're trying to find a way to love someone that lacks good boundaries; who lies, deceives, manipulates, demands based on insecurities and low-self esteem. Feels like you're just waiting for the shoe to drop,....along with an overwhelming vigilance to acquire your own stability with or without them.

I digress,....

((hugs))

Aerie, you are very fresh into recovery so your feelings are very understandable. Essentially your D-Day was last October so you are right where you should be at this phase of recovery.

One thing that is essential to turn this around is to create a romantic marriage that is much better than before. You can't settle for going back to what you had before, because that marriage did not protect him from affairs, you have to create something better.

This does something that is essential to recovery: it creates good memories that wipe out the bad. The stronger and better your marriage is today, the less you will think about the past.

The way to create a romantic marriage is to spend 20+ hours of undivided attention time meeting these top 4 emotional needs: affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship.

Recovery doesn't work without that step. In fact, most marriages DO NOT ever recover from affairs. They might stay together but they limp along in a crippled state because they don't take these steps. The path to a good marriage after an affair is very, very narrow and I don't know of any of traditional marriage counselors that know how to do that.

If I were you, I would strongly consider getting counseling from the Harleys because your marriage is very, very crippled. It will take a professional to turn this around. The Harleys are completely different from any other program in that they specialize in recovery after infideltiy and they focus on creating romantic love.

Aerie, the worst of my anger came around 9 months into recovery. But it did go away. It felt all of the things you mentioned.

One thing different about your situation is that your H is a serial cheater and you have been through multiple affairs. Sometimes the resentment is insurmountable in such situations, but there is still hope.

Thanks for the responses. I am flipping back and forth, sometimes by minute it seems, from feeling compassion and love for FWH for all he is trying to do to feeling nearly hatred. It helps to know that this isn't totally out of the normal.

MelodyLane, our counselor is a Christian counselor who is very much in line with Dr. Harley's work. He is the one who had us get the books. I would still consider doing the phone counseling with the Harleys but I think that we were very blessed in being able to find one of the few good counselors out there.

We are trying to do all the work, UA time, etc. and I have told FWH how I am feeling. He is hurt by it but still trying. In fact I blew all my good MB teaching out the window and blasted him pretty bad last week. He took it and showed compassion. I have thanked him for his reaction and tried to do better this week.

So how do I handle these feelings? I know I am not supposed to bring up the As. Our counselor has said that if I am having a bad time or triggers I am supposed to just say that I am having a hard time with "it" today so that FWH can comfort me, without going into any details. It's hard to say I am angry and not say why, yet I am not supposed to say why. Either way it hurts his feelings. Aack!

Do I force myself to spend time with FWH when I am feeling the anger and really don't want to be with him? What do I tell him? Do I just pretend I am cool and enjoying myself?

I know that I need to have a change in attitude but what I am asking is what to do in the meantime... until that change happens. I wish it were as easy as making up my mind but I feel these things, I feel them very deeply and strongly. At times I want to be far, far away. Not very condusive to UA time. Not condusive to letting FWH meet my needs either. It is actually easier to try to meet his needs than to let him near me. Its so strange after missing him so desperately for so long.

I feel like a nutcase to be honest.

Aerie

I am RELIEVED you have a counselor who is teaching you Marriage Builders! That is very rare.. WE deal with the destructive advice of MC on this forum every day.

The way you get over it is to stop talking about it and start doing enjoyable things with him. You go through the motions at first and pretty soon the mind will follow. Bring the body and the mind will follow.

I think you are expecting for this all to go away overnight and it won't.

PLEASE get out a notebook and sit down with your husband TODAY and start scheduling out your UA time. [20 hours!] That will make the fastest, most effective lovebank deposits. That is your fastest horse out of this mess. And it must be scheduled, because if not, it is too easy to put off.

And STOP lovebusting him, Aerie! You will feel better faster if you stop bringing it up and stop lovebusting him. Focus instead on going out and having a great time with 4 days a week in 4 hour blocks. You will be amazed at how fast you progress if you do that.

You are very much on the right path, my friend. I promise that better days are coming!

You're NOT a nutcase --- just self-protective -- very understandable.

I have a question for MelodyLane. whose words are some of the wisest on here, IMO.

How do you suggest romantic/UA time and setting up proper boundaries if the WS sees HIS needs are of greater importance (his interests, his friends, his attention -- POJA is limited only to extreme violations) and any restriction of his freedoms (phone calls, notifications while away) as imperative yet intrusive?

I have the same issue as Aerie in that my H doesn't want to see me upset or troubled by "what he did", or he sees it as a LoveBust,...gets too down about himself and wants to give up.

I feel trapped in a situation, of having to heal myself alone in self censorship; putting on a mask of bliss and giving and yet just not feeling it, or feeling it's not in my best interest to go there.

Is there no hope for romantic love if I am stuck being his servant/follower/policeman and he only sees that as "reminders" and Lovebusts?

Sorry if it seems I'm hijacking. I feel this question is on topic with what Aerie has also brought up.

Those are all conditions of recovery. In order for a marriage to recover, both spouses have to agree to take the steps to recover the marriage. One of the most important conditions would be for him to take the steps to affair proof your marriage. For example, he would have to agree to be completely transparent so that it would be impossible for him to carry on a secret second life again. Those are all non negotiable conditions that are the first step in EARNING your forgiveness.

If a wayward spouse does not commit to recovery, then Plan B is warranted because unless he makes a radical 180 degree change, then your marriage will be a death of a thousand cuts.

And EVERYONE sees their own needs as more important. But what you are describing is a spouse who engages in thoughtless and independent behavior.

Daisy, it does sound to me like you have lowered the bar so low that your WS is simply living down to your conditions. I would raise the bar and hold him accountable. Just compensation is essential to recovery.

Your issue is completely different frmo Aeries. You don't have a plan of recovery or a willing spouse.

Thank you MelodyLane. Right now we don't do anything, outside of going to work, without each other. Lots and lots of time! (All the kids are out of the house or in college.) During the week it is not very planned, just whatever comes up, but we have been trying to plan for the weekends. We have a dress up date for Saturday already planned.

I just need to give the mind time to follow I guess!

I absolutely will work on not lovebusting. I actually don't do it regularly. It kind of built up on me and I had a very bad moment where i let it all come flooding out last week. You are right it is not helpful in any way and should not happen again.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I really needed them and feel a bit better already. I am so glad I decided to post. I've been lurking since the 1st d-day in 2007!

Aerie

If you sit down and write out the times, dates, activities, you will find you start really looking forward to it!! And get in the habit of dressing up for all of your dates. It is not enough to have a date night, but date NIGHTS. This is your fastest horse, my friend! Start making plans for several nights a week.


Good girl! I dragged out my own recovery for years by allowing myself the occasional lovebuster when the anger built up. I made myself and him miserable doing this.

You are in the right place, Aerie. I would take a look at SunnyDinTx's and chickadee's threads. They are very educated in the MB program and can be a great help to you also. just know that this will get better. I promise!

Does your counselor have the undivided attention worksheet? There is a worksheet you can use to plan this out. That is what my DH and I use.

I don't know if he has the worksheet but we do have all the books and the workbook at home. I know there are several worksheets in the workbook. I will check in there. Makes sense about scheduling the time anyway. I will try that with FWH tonight. I have a feeling to see me approach something cheerfully after the last two weeks he will pleased to oblige!

I have been reading SunnyDinTX's thread, I will check out chickadee's too.

Aerie

It is in the BACK of the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook. Just tear it out and make several copies. That is what we did.


And this will make you feel better too, Aerie. If you get dressed up several times a week and go out for dinner and a drive, or shopping, you will feel better much faster.

Its back on page 175-176 in the workbook.

aerie

I completely understand what you are feeling and yes at sometimes i am very angry at what my H did.

and i have very bad dreams and many triggers, and yes they seem to overwhelming at time and i get pretty tired.

I think 20 hours is key, when we sip even an hour or so it throws me into a spiral. Complete adherence to EP, Complete transparency. the moment things waver i seem to get myself into a funk. we i have those i write in my journal, usually it subsides.

how does your H deal with your triggers? that was a big hurdle for us.


i do think our conseling with jennifer help us tremedously. we are also doing the online program as a recap.

any questions i can try to help but a few sessions with eiihter jennifer or steve would be key.

Definitely do the worksheets! To me they were the catalyst to genuine discussion and actually doing the work of recovery. Reading is one thing, taking action is another. Doing the worksheets make you much more likely to take action.

And yes, feelings follow actions. I can almost always look at times that I trigger and realize something that has not gone quite right in the time period leading up to that trigger: not enough UA time or LBers are typically the problem. The exception to this seems to be when I am hormonal and trigger more easily.

I have gone through anger phases as well. It's all part of the grieving process. As for your feelings of being done or not wanting to be around your husband, I'm wondering if there is a bit of psychological dynamic taking place here. If your husband is being a bit of a doormat out of guilt, perhaps it is not attractive to you. ??? We want what we can't have and then, when we CAN have it, the desire for it can wane.

This is why Marriage Builders is so important: it keeps the dynamic between spouses exactly where it should be - both parties being equals.

Of course, I'm just putting this out there trying to read between the lines - it may not be the case at all. I'm looking at your statements and getting, "HE is willing to do everything; he took my lovebusters in stride..." Maybe what you need is for him to be a bit stronger??? It's hard to put in terms of ENs but I guess it's akin to physical attractiveness: you need him to be mentally attractive.

Just a thought.

Mel is right though - UA time - QUALITY UA time - A definite MUST.

Daisy, I have been thinking about what you said and I think you are dead on. I spent years (literally) in a sort of panic mode, trying to survive, trying to change, praying for him to change, totally focused on the state of my marriage. It's like the first time I felt safe enough to stop and catch my breath I looked around and was kind of like, What the heck????

Have you felt this way all along or did it just hit you recently? I see you said you were 1.5 years into recovery.

I have to say it really has helped me today to hear that I am not the only one to feel this way. I was pretty much freaking out thinking I made a mistake. Now I see it is part of the process and that I can get through it. I am glad I didn't make any rash decisions during the last two weeks since this hit.

I also know what you mean about waiting for the other shoe to drop. My FWH and I spoke of this over the weekend. He actually asked me if I felt that way using that exact phrase. I had to say yes which surprised and hurt him but he said he understood. I can't imagine not feeling that way this short time in but told him I hoped and believed in time that fear would go away.

Gonna take some of MelodyLane's suggestions for tonight and see if it doesn't help my outlook even further.

Aerie

Hi Aerie, What you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. Happened to me too around Dec 2011....6 months into recovery. The trick is to stay the course and remember what you have been fighting for.

I think when you are in recovery and your marriage is on solid ground...the anger, a deeper, more painful angst, finally comes through. Prior to that and during the affair it's all about survival mode and your mind temporarily blocks the true anger.

Personally, I also think Satan is trying to take hold and shake the foundation. Don't let him win! Try to not lovebust during this time and it will get smoother!