On the outside, it looks like I have a wonderful marriage with two happy kids. We have been married 14 years and my husband worked extremely long hours until the last year. We got married at a young age and in the beginning of our marriage, he was influenced by his coworkers in the beginning to go to strip clubs. I was totally against this and was stuck at home babysitting their kids while they went out. Then, my husband began gambling with them so that even made more lonely nights. I finally gave in to going to strip clubs with him so I could be with him. This made me feel guilty and hurt that he didn't want just me. I am telling you all this so you can see the life of our marriage.
After years of this, we were very distant and I was lonely because he worked long hours and late nights. Going to church was very important to me, but that was his only day off so he'd rather play golf with his buddies or rest. I did have the luxury of staying home with our kids, but it really made me depressed and not even get dressed up or anything. I'm sure this made my husband unattracted to me. I never gained weight and always worked out , but I always wore sweats and was depressed.
We have always been best friends during our marriage, but I nagged my husband because I was so hurt and lonely. I took my pain out on him and even started griping about him not ever wanting to have sex with me. This only pushed him further away from me and he had an affair. At the same time, a guy I had been engaged to in college contacted me and wanted to have lunch. I told my husband and he said I should go. It's like he didn't even care. I went and ended up having an affair until he wanted me to leave my husband and marry him. I knew how in love I was with my husband and immediately told him no. I told my husband everything and then found out on my own that he was having an affair. I was very hurt and he ended it immediately. We moved on with our marriage life looking happy but with so much pain inside.
We then moved an hour away and I felt like it was a great way for us to start over. He has so many great qualities that I love about him and it's easy to stay married. I just really want to be truly happy. I do feel like he is still not sexually attracted to me since I am the one to initiate the sex. He thinks once a week is too much. Also, I would like him to be a leader in the family by praying with me at night and taking our family to church on Sundays. Being close to the Lord is not important to him.
In the last year, I began talking to a man online and am completely in love with him. He is a strong Christian man and is completely in love with me. He shares his feelings with me and is very open. Whereas, I've never seen my husband cry so this is very new to me. He also prays with me and puts the Lord first in his life. Every time I break things off with him, all I do is think about him and look for him online 24/7. He makes me feel wonderful and loved by sharing his feelings with me, he would marry me today and he is always available to me. The thing is that I haven't been completely honest with him. He thinks that I am now divorced. I don't know what to do because I do love my husband even though I am not completely happy and always missing the other man when I break things off with him. I can see myself stopping the affair and trying to be happy with the life I have now or moving out of state with this man and marrying him. Please help me because I don't know what to do. In the end, I want to be happy and a faithful wife.
Thank you for reading this and I value your opinion in helping me figure out my life.

You are definitely in the right place...

You are in an affair and deceiving the OM into thinking you are divorced?

There is a very simple remedy to all your problems.

The truth!

Tell everyone the truth and warn them that you are not a trustworthy person.

It is highly selfish to lie to people to keep them doing what YOU want them to do. It is abusive.

The OM, a 'good Christian', has been tricked into being an adulterer. He is unknowingly breaking up a family.


You weren't 'not completely honest' - you flat out lied so as to trick him into an affair.

And no matter what your BH has done (and I am quite dubious about your honesty) NO ONE deserves to be the victim of adultery.

My WH hurt me deeply with his affair, but I would never get my own back with a vicious Revenge Affair. I would not do that to myself or to the vows I took.

Even you would not deserve to be the victim of future affairs. In spite of the doubly horrendous acts you are committing.

Either you like things fine just the way they are, or you are ready for radical honesty.

Are you ready for the truth?

I cut a lot of the unneeded fluff from your post.

Sheesh where to start.

Regardless of what your husband has or hasn't done you are 100 % responsible for your affairs. Stop trying to blame your husband for your own immoralities.

The last guy you say is a "Christian" is far from it. Christians don't have affairs with married women. He's a predator playing on your weaknesses. He is scum and should be exposed far and wide.

Also you call yourself a "Christian" but also are involved in multiple affairs. You are far from acting like a Christian and you trying to blame your husband for not praying and leading is ridiculous.

All I hear is poor poor me. Until you can face the facts of your own faults you can not ever hope to recover.

You say your husband is your best friend. With friends like that who needs enemies?

Please listen to these radio clips. Dr. Harley talks to a WW about her affairs.
Radio clip with a wayward wife
Segment #2
Segment #3

Justlooking, in the poor guy's defense, the Christian man believes she is not married.

I agree with Indie, the way to fix this is to be completely honest with everyone, deal with the aftermath of that (which will probably be making amends to some, honoring to stay far, far away from others), and live the rest of her life as though every person on the planet is privy to everything she does.

You say your husband is your best friend. With friends like that who needs enemies?

Well, that was helpful - - - NOT!

Your situation is not too hard to decipher Adeaton. You appear to be of such desperate need for some qualities that your internet man displays - sensitivity, compassion, a strong faith - that you are willing to betray your husband, your children, and more importantly yourself, to secure access to them. (Seriously, you adore this man's Christian principles, so you LIED to him about your marital status to attract him?)

Restoring your own sense of worth is going to mean admitting everything to your BH, revealing your deceits to OM, and committing to the MB plan of recovery. Decide "yes" or "no" and get back to us here. We can help you with "yes" and say goodbye to you with "no".

Yes.

Whats it to be?

You made an unreasonable sacrifice in order to acquire very temporary good feelings .... followed by guilt and resentment.
In other words, you made an agreement to do something to please your H without enthusiasm and/or pleasure on your part.
Making this sort of sacrifice in marriage RUINS marriage.



Dr Harley addresses this problem and offers a solution. Called POJA.
Policy of Joint Agreement. Here is a *** LINK *** to help you understand POJA.




Dr Harley addresses this problem as well.

Here is a link to Dr Harley"s RECREATIONAL ENJOYMENT INVENTORY



Dr Harley knows all about the need for physical attractiveness in marriage. Here is a *** LINK *** to that discussion.



Dr Harley's article about COMPLAINING IN MARRIAGE



Dr Harley knows from vast experience that many affairs end, and the marriage limps along with both spouses completely unhappy, but not really knowing what to do about it. Dr Harley has a PLAN to recover from adultery. STEPS which must be taken to protect against future adultery and STEPS to be taken for both spouses to fall in love with each other and cherish the marriage and keep their vows.






You are a hot mess, aren't you?
How's that praying going for ya?
Are you praying God looks favorably upon your cheating/lying/adulterous behavior?


This is a lie. You DO know what to do. You just are too weak to do the right thing. Confess to your pastor today.



This is a lie. You could never be happy knowing you are an accomplished adulteress who broke her vows and also deceived a Christian man with lies and tricked him into marrying her. Does that sound like a promising beginning????



Step one ~~~> TELL THE TRUTH.
You will never (NEVER) be happy in life telling lies.
Lies break hearts.
Lies soil your soul.
God hates lies.


You're welcome.
Read the links.
Keep posting.
You can turn this ship around by becoming honest.

This book could save your marriage.
Buy it.
Read it. Let your BH see you reading it.

Surviving An Affair

I think I should end the affair and restore my marriage. Do you think I could ever be completely happy in my marriage? I don't want to always miss the man I'm having an affair with. He makes me so happy and I can talk for hours a day to him.

You are LYING to the OM.
You are not happily chatting with a nice man. You are actively LYING to him! Get real with yourself.

You will never be "completely happy" anywhere you go in life while you continue to be a liar.

I think the possibility of marital happiness is far GREATER in your marriage than it would ever be with OM (to whom you are actively lying).

You need to remain open to the WORK you will be required to do in order to BUILD a happy marriage.

The work of building starts (always) on a foundation of truth.

You think you're happy talking to this other man because it's an escape and an addiction. It takes you away from the terrible state your marriage is in. It's a fantasy and a farce, not based on anything real.

You will see this for yourself if you start to really apply yourself to healing the marriage you have and the role you played in letting it decay.

You've got to cut it off. And be honest with this christian man that you've lied to. Stop the lies. That is the first step. It's going to hurt but at least it will give you a shot at cleaning up your life and becoming an honorable woman.

You are hiding from your real life and this is going to get more and more excruciating. Start turning it around NOW with the truth. Come back to YOUR life.

Thank you Pepperband. I appreciate and value your opinion.

Thank you to everyone else also. I can see how wrong I am. I do feel this is also an addiction. I do love my husband and need to treat him right and stop lying.

I really appreciate your advice Zibbles. Everything you say is exactly true. I am ready to come back to MY life. Thank YOU ALL!!!

Confess to your pastor.
Confess to your H.
Come on .... you can do this.

...you can do this.

The sooner you start making repairs, the sooner you will have stopped doing damage. As they say, "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging!"

And one more really important one: confess to this other man. He is UNKNOWINGLY committing adultery because of your lies. You are sinning against your husband and against him, not to mention God. Let him be free to find an available woman to love. Go back to your own family and start living honorably.

But he is KNOWINGLY fornicating.

I find the excuse that the OP may not know the marital status of their partner irrelevant.

If someone claims to be Christian and in command of their faculties, they do know that they are not married to the person with whom they are sleeping.

Not saying the truth should not be confessed. I'm saying he's not an unknowing sinner.

He just doesn't know which sin he's committing