W and I 48. Married 14 years with two girls, D 13 and D 10. W is highly educated professional and has been the main $$ provider for our family.

W had a long term affair with an old collage boyfriend. It was an EA for over year and then became a 3+ year PA. They had a lot of sex and they traveled together (I thought the travel was business and I did not know he was traveling too. I was essentially a baby sitter for much of these trips).

I was laid off a couple of times and have had difficulty earning good reliable income. I never sat around or gave up, but I have not yet been successful on this front. I know this was a huge factor in her losing interest/respect/attraction to me and played crucial reason for her starting an affair. Aside from being a poor $$ provider, I have been a good man and father. Our girls are nice, smart, and on there way to being great adults.

For a couple of years the OM pushed her to div me and he div�ed his wife so he could be with my W.

In June I found undeniable proof of the affair and I believe W ended contact with the OM, not because she loves me, but because of our kids.

During the A she had actually had the OM to our house a few times when my girls were there. She had him eat meals with them at house and/or at restaurants a couple/few times. My older daughter figured that I became mad about the OM and she got mad at W. W told her it was a friendship and that it�s over. This is major reason for W ending the A.

I knew marriage was in trouble as of April 2011, but did not know why. We had been heading to div when I found the proof of the A. About a year ago, I realized I had to improve myself and have been working hard it and making good progress. W noticed my changes and this started to make her think about saving our marriage. The A was having some stress as a result even before I found the proof.

W and I are trying to reconcile, but she is still in some of the fog. She apologized once for the affair but has not asked for forgiveness and has not shown much remorse. I have seen little or no emotion from her.

Also she seems to have significant anger/resentment towards me. She does not want to talk about the A, gave me trickle truth, and is being irrational. She says our marriage problems were more than the affair, but when I ask what they are she can not explain any aside from me not earning enough $$. Other times she will say it was not the lack of $$. She is inconsistent and fabricating false excuses and reasons to be mad at me. A lot of sh_t tests.

She wrote things to her friends putting me down (I know she was doing this partly to provide an excuse for the div she was planning and partly because she had to demonize me in her mind to justify her conduct.)

I always thought and said she was a great mother. Now she says she is a good mother and wants me to agree, but I have not been able to. I think this makes her very angry.

I think she is sorry she was caught, but not sorry for the affair. I think some of her anger towards me is because I found the proof and pushed to end the affair, and because one of our girls figured out the affair. W tries to blame almost everything on me.

I am not being mean or yelling, I offered to give her quiet mediated divorce if the OM is really her soul mate, but this too made her angry.

I told her I understand that she must be having a difficult time and I tried to be understanding of the fact that she was attached to the OM. I asked her if she loved him and she said "I thought I did," which I thought was a truthful answer.

She says our problems are not all her fault. (I have accepted fault for not providing for the family well enough and how that put stress on her, made her unhappy, and left her open to an A.)

The other day she actually muttered something about refusing to view the A as a completely negative or wrong thing. (To do so may be more than she can mentally handle now?)


Questions:

1. Can any women explain how a mother could have the OM at the house and eat meals with her kids?

2. Why is W showing me so much anger resentment?

3. Does a refusal to view an A as being a wrong or bad thing reflect an inability to mentally handle the harsh reality of such awful conduct? (Guilt/shame avoidance)

4. Do cheaters that make true recovery eventually view the A as a bad mistake?

Thanks.

When exactly was D day?

Exactly who was told about this affair?

Not a woman, but I can say my wife brought her OM into my home on dozens of occasions. He (and his family) were close friends. I cooked and cleaned almost all of these meals. My W's affair was an LTA as well, by the way.

You are going to learn a lot from this site. Know this, this affair as little to do with you not earning money. She has let down her boundaries around this man and allow him to meet needs you havent been able to. This may include money, but i doubt it.

There is a clear path to recovery that is the MB way. It starts with full disclosure of the affair to your family, her family, OM family, and anyone else who is in position to tell you wife to stop being an idiot. Once this is done, let us know and you;ll get a bunch of advice.

Dont let your career issues be the focus of this crap. Men can be SAH-Fathers too.

I found a thread that seems to address my question about anger. It's called Anger and affairs. Here's a link.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649046&page=2

If others can add to it I hope they will.

Did you want to save your marriage? I can't really tell why you are here.

Yes, I do want to save it if it's possible. The questions I raised are to help me understand the situation better so I can work to save it and get her to work with me.

I wasn't sure what your goal was because none of your questions were: how do I save my marriage? GEtting answers to those questions will not help you there.

Are you separated?

And has she ended all contact with the OM? I mean all contact. When was her last contact with him?

D day was June 2, 2012.

I have not told many. My older daughter figured it out. I told a couple of male friends. I learned her family knew but she had demonized me to them so they do not care.

I know exposure is needed to end the affair, but I am fairly certain that it ended, so I have not been focusing on exposure.

No not separated.

She had been reducing contact before I confronted her with the proof, but the next day we sent a no contact email. He has texted her 3 or 4 times since, but I do not think she has responded.

Exposure will help tremendously. Especially to the OM's side of the family. I would contact her family members she lied to and tell them the true story. Ask for their support. I would also sit your kids down and tell them all about the affair.

If the OM is still contacting your wife, you should confront the him and run him off. Get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there.

Have her change all her contact information so OM can't contact her. Not just block, but change them.

At this point, I doubt she will agree to new phone number. And even if she did he can reach her at work anyway.

I am still having trouble with how she could have the OM to our house when the kids were home and even eat meals with our kids. Can/should a BS R when this is the history. She involved our kids!

In time does the WW usually see how bad her conduct was if they come fully out of the fog?

Man,

On a recent radio show, Dr. Harley referenced a researcher's study who interviewed over 600 women who had had an affair. When asked how many of the women expressed guilt or remorse about the affair, the researcher's answer was, "None." I don't know the details of the study, whether the women were in current affairs, whether they divorced or stayed in their marriages. In Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair", Sue never apologizes to Jon. Yet, they recovered their marriage and Dr. Harley says they are happily married today.

Can you recover the marriage? Yes, it is possible using MB plans and principles.

Should you recover the marriage? Your decision. Do you want to? If so, there are a number of practical, concrete steps to take.

AM

Wow. Does anyone know the date of the show? I would like to read the study Dr. Harley quoted...

You are still fresh from the trauma.



Exposure will increase the possibility you can save your marriage.
It will make WW angry, but her anger won't ruin your marriage.

Exposure sample: (KEEP IT SIMPLE without gory details)


"You may have heard rumors about WW's infidelity. These are the facts.
His name is (OM).
As far as I know, it began (date month/year).
It was emotional infidelity as well as physical infidelity.
I discovered the adultery on June 2, this year.
I love WW and very much want to restore our marriage to an even greater loving relationship.
If you care about our marriage, please do what you can to influence/sway WW that this marriage is redeemable. I have not been a perfect husband, but I am ready and willing and able to make myself into a man that is worthy of a great marriage. Thanks."


Adultery is rekindled much like any addictive activity.
One phone call, one text, one glance ... it can burst back into flames.

In case the exposure is not going well ....

"Adultery is like a house on fire. I want to rebuild the house, but the flames must be extinguished first. I hope that everyone knowing about our house fire helps extinguish the flames."

EXPOSURE is like tramping out the embers. Reducing the possibility of future flair ups.

A drug addict will pile the kids in the car and drive to his/her source (pusher) to have their addiction fed. Some low level addicts will pretend this does not effect the kids and "get high" right in front of them.

Adultery is like that.

I think the radio show was either last week or last Monday's. It was a very recent one. Dr. Harley did not name the researcher. He referenced the study's results.

AM

I follow what you are saying. My W is highly educated and had been a excellent mother before all this. It really troubles me.

Pepperbend and others, is the wiser course to conclude that involving our kids in this manner went so far beyond EA/PA, that div is the better option? Or would most just see it as just one more aspect of the fog and R is still possible?

Has anyone ever heard of such conduct like this mentioned on the forum?

This has happened many times before on these forums. It does not mean the M is unrecoverable.