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My husband is currently deployed and will return soon after 1 year of deployment. I recently found out that 2 years ago he had started an affair with one of our friends wife. I had no warning signs at all due to my work schedule and his are totally different. There has been several people including our pastor had comfronted him about the relationship with her and to tell me the truth. I wrote him a 6 page letter and sent it to him via email and asked for honest answers before he comes home. He has only answered 1 out of the 23 questions and said that he will answer the rest when he gets home. I have no idea if our 25 years of marriage will survive or not. I love my husband and I hate what he has done to me. What am I to expect, hope to keep the marriage going or a divorce?
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He said no to having sex with her but hasn't said anything about an emotional affair. He needs to honestly answer all those questions before he comes home, right? So, that we can start the healing process of our marriage. Right now, I am praying that God convicts his heart so heavy to where he is sick and he can't sleep.
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Welcome army wife. To answer your question depends on what you want to do. I suggest you start with reading "surviving infidelity" here on the site first and see if you are willing to put in the effort to save your marriage first.
Last edited by Rocketqueen; 08/06/12 06:53 PM.
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Armywife, I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Your marriage can survive, but only under certain conditions. Those conditions being that you kill the affair and that you live together. It is not hard at all to kill affairs in the military by exposing them to the IG. The IG will step in and order no contact. So that should be your first step. The next step will be to expose the affair wide and far. Tell the OW's husband, all your family, his family, your children, close friends. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is the first step towards recovery. Dr Harley is the founder of Marriage Builders, and a clinical psychologist, and he has worked closely with the military to save marriages. Exposure is your most effective weapon in saving your marriage. "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." And lastly, can you join your husband? If you can't I would urge the IG to help your husband get an early release.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.
If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.
When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).
The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!
At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!
Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.
How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!
So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).
Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can the IG force him to stop seeing her if she's not in the Army?
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AW, sorry you're here, but you'll never be alone while you're here.
First of all: As to the "no sex", he's lying. Men do not carry on LTAs without the toy in the cracker-jack.
Secondly: He's not going to "come clean" to your satisfaction before he comes home. That is logically impossible. He should know, however, that he will face a polygraph eventually.
Can you bring yourself to share the 23 questions with us? The FBWs here who have been in your shoes might be able to refine that to a more manageable figure.
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Stay on one thread. I'd suggest you go "reply" to Mel's suggestion there, and let this thread die.
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No one can force anyone to do anything. But they can force on him the consequences if he doesn't obey a direct order of no contact.
Doesn't matter if she is military or not. The direct order is to him. Has nothing to do with her. He disobeys that command and he is in a world of ca-ca. With 25 years service under his belt, I seriously doubt she would be worth all that he would have to sacrifice.
The military doesn't take this stuff lightly. Use the resources you have (and you're very lucky here), and without warning to your WH. Just go straight to the IG, and he'll lead you from there. And please don't tip your hand about what you are going to do. That would be the worst mistake you could make.
Just do it.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Can the IG force him to stop seeing her if she's not in the Army? Yes. They will issue a no contact order. AW, please stick to one thread. People will never be able to follow your story if you start up new threads.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If I go to the IG is there a way that my husband will ever find out that it was me? She is not in the military, however I do believe that she has gone to the the outside of the gates to meet him. Also his drill weekends will be in a different city, how can I make sure that she doesn't go there?
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How about by telling her husband? I bet he'll make sure she stays away from your husband!
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If I go to the IG is there a way that my husband will ever find out that it was me? Yes, the way he should find out is that you take full credit for it. He won't know who did this good deed if you don't tell him. So you need be LOUD AND PROUD so you can take full credit for it. She is not in the military, however I do believe that she has gone to the the outside of the gates to meet him. Also his drill weekends will be in a different city, how can I make sure that she doesn't go there? There are several ways to stop her. First off, you tell her husband and entire family. Her husband can stop her. And then YOU go on the drill weekends with him. He can't very well be chasing skank twat with you with him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Armywife, when you do a GOOD DEED, you want everyone to know about it so you can take full credit. But you can't stop with exposure to the IG, you need to expose to the OW's husband, her parents, family, friends. All of your family and his family should be told. Be LOUD AND PROUD! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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aw, a good way to expose the affair is to find that ho's facebook page, copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc and send them all private messages exposing the affair. We have sample letters you can use.
Additionally, I would call her husband and offer to send him all the evidence you have.
Have you informed your H's parents of his trashy, low down behavior?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sure here goes:
Questions
1. Have you had sex or ever had thoughts of having sex with her?
2. Are you still in contact with her?
3. Are you planning on divorcing me in september to be with her?
4. Why would you cause another family to breakup and cause a father now to raise his 3 kids instead of them both raising them?
5. When you look at me, do you see herin my place? Are you having live video chats with her and sending her money that should be coming to you wife? If you are sending her money, you just paid for a call girl.
6. Why is it that you keep asking how much money our sons have saved up to move out?Is it because you want to be done with this family? Your family? Is it easier for you to walk out on this family if the boys have already moved out?
7. When we Skype with you, you are always typing on your key board.Do you have her up on the screen as well and talking with her too? Is it because you really don't want to talk with us or are you just hoping thatthe conversation will go fast?
8/9. Why didn't you tell me that you were confronted by her husband and our pastor for no contact between you and her and for what they saw in the relationship?
10. When did this affair start? August 2010 was the time frame that I was told.
11. Did you approach her or did she come to you?
12. Do you know that her divorce was final in July 2012 and are you happy about that?
13. For this deployment, were you given orders or did you volunteer? Did you volunteer because you did not want to be here to work on our marriage? Is it not that important to you? Is it because you wanted to keep in touch with her without me knowing?
14. The day that you left for deployment, she showed up to see you. Did you call her and tell her to come? You were in flight ops, and that is where she went from what I was told. Did she know where to go because she's been at the base for visits before?
15. While you were with me, was it her texting you?
16. How mant text messages have you sent to her? I was shocked to hear that in August 2011 there were 1200 - 1400 text alone.
17. If you tell someone ( like her husband ) that there will be no contact, why can't you honor what you say?
18. Do you know that you have put me through the ringer physically, emotionally and do you really care at this point?
19. Our schedules were so different, is that how you were able to hide this affair for so long? Were you happy that you were able to see her when I worked late and when I worked on weekends?
20. Why would you pressure our sons to plan activities with you in advance? Is it because you wanted to give her the info so that she could show up and say she was in the neighborhood?
21. Is there any cause or reason why I should be concerned that their could be more than 1 person?
22. You mentioned that you were going to run a race in October and I asked if I should take off work and go wityh you. You said no, is it because she is going to be there and you want to spend the day with her even though you've been gone away from me for a year?
23. I want to restore this marraige, do you?
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So that everyone knows, my husband only answered 1 question and that was question #1 and he said no. All other questions he said that he will answer when he gets home.
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She is already divorced from her husband
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I did not share with him one thing that I know and that is one their FB friends each of them made up a name of a person and there onlty friend is my husband. I want to use this card for when he comes home and the questions start.
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She is already divorced from her husband How did you find this out? Have you spoken to her husband personally?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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