So I have been married to my wife for 3 almost 4 years. It will be 4 years in October. We dated for about 7 years. She had a problem that whenever we would get really close she would up and run, literally. She went to counseling, joined the church, and for a year prior to marriage she stayed put and things were well.

Well this February she up and moved out of the home into her parents home. I was HOT> Things were going well. In fact, that same day we planned on going out to dinner when she had this thought that she wanted to move. Little did I know she was thinking about it for a month prior and even hired a PI to follow me around to see if I was cheating (he found nothing).

So she moves out, but after a few days we begin talking and dating. Things were great. We were taking it slow. But abruptly her parents kick her out. So she comes home. We both decided that we just needed to date some more and get to know each other again. So we BOTH agreed for her to rent a room around the street from our home and continue dating. We were doing that and things were going on beautifully.

I guess things were taking too long for her because two weeks ago she stopped talking to me. I asked if we can spend the weekend together, she said no. I was devastated. I felt like I was going to hurt myself so I called 911. They took me to the hospital. They later discharged me. She told me she was going to pick me up but never did. She left me at the hospital to walk home (I later found a ride and got home around 11pm). She ignored all of my calls and still does even today. I went to see her the other day and she told me the marriage is over. I asked, "why?" She said it just is. I told her that we are not dating any more and that our responsibility is to each other and to God. She told me to get out of my way and called the police on me. So I left.

People from our church are calling her and speaking to her. The eerie thing is she is telling them things that I told her about how I feel; my self esteem is low, I feel like you don't understand me, that you don't love me. She is telling everyone that! But I am the one who gets cursed at, slapped, left, stranded, and am always begging for her to show me love. Now she is telling people she is leaving because of the very same things I complain about. How weird is that???

I love her and want her back home. I made that clear to her (she told people I did not want her back). But with her refusing to speak to me and lying to the church people, what do I do? I am 99% sure she does not have another man in her life. She...I honestly feel is possessed. What to do? Just leave her alone and pray for her from a distance? Move on and take it as sign that the abuse was too much? I don't know.

She sounds very unstable. There is not much you can do if she refuses to speak to you. I would strongly consider moving on because I don't see her changing. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant!

No, pregnancy is not an option. She is about to be 39 and has admitted that she does not want the responsibility of a child.

She is VERY unstable. But I love her. She is my wife. But there is not much I can do. If I go off of history, she will be crawling back in about a month. But maybe she is serious this time. I am not divorcing her and if she divorces me it will take two years (we live in MD and I am an attorney).

Why do you think she is so unstable?

p.s. and love is not enough to sustain a marriage. Your love won't last long with all this drama. Unconditional love leads to neglect and abuse and is not a safe strategy for any marriage.

I encourage you to just work on self improvement.
See a counselor and start self improving.
You are allowing her actions and behaviors to judge your value.

Sometimes we have to surrender our problems to God.

By the way I like your user name. Fellow Star Trek Fan.

Hi Romulus. Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you have to be here.

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

First of all, don't lecture your wife any more about church or God or responsibility. That is disrespectful. You are her peer, not her parent. If you say things to her that are disrespectful, they will be a Love Bank withdrawal (even if you don't mean them disrespectfully).

You cannot afford Love Bank withdrawals if you want to save your marriage.

Second, I think there is a very good chance that your wife is having an affair, or maybe has had a string of affairs. You would not be the first person who showed up here who was "99% certain" his wife was not having an affair who turned out to be wrong. In fact, I have seen dozens. If she is having an affair, there is simply no way you can win her back by mere dating alone, but it is possible to bust up the affair using plans on this site, and then it can become possible to win her back.

I would consider hiring a private investigator to find out what is really going on. I think it is important to you to find out for sure, not just try to make yourself 99% certain through willpower with no evidence.

Thanks everyone.

I am pretty sure she is not having an affair. She is not the "sexual" type. I think she has a mental problem. Her mom is schizo and I think it is starting to show in her. I don't know.

I do not lecture her. She will not even talk to me.

Not all affairs are sexual.

Affairs typically cause lots of behavior that could be diagnosed as mental problems. Dr. Harley says persons in an affair typically manifest Narcissistic Personality Disorder. An affair (sexual or not) is an addiction, and affects the brain and behavior.

You would not be the first person who was "pretty sure" his wife was not having an affair, who turned out wrong. I would hire a PI and find out for sure what is happening.

Okay, you are missing what I am telling you. You said you did this:


That's a lecture, my friend. That's what I'm telling you. Don't do that any more. It's a Love Bank withdrawal, whether you mean it that way or not.

What abuse? Other than your lectures, I didn't see any abuse on your part on your post. Women typically don't leave their husbands over just lectures. What does she feel was abusive?

Asking for a second time:

What was taking too long for her? Specifically, what did she want from you? What were her complaints about your relationship?

Women have affairs for emotional reasons, not sexual reasons.

If she is having an affair its with her mother. I mean, I know anything is possible, but just a week ago she was with me, spending all of her time with me, and everything was well. For to up and find someone in a week....I don't know. I have known her for 11 years and she is not the affair type person. She is saying everything that I should be saying. I don't know. It may be possible, but I will be surprised.

We had agreed that she move out for a month then come back home. She was wanting me to tell her to come back home. I was waiting for her to tell me she wanted to come back home. Her complaint with me was that I did not show love for her and that I would look at her in disgust...and there may be some truth to that. Sometimes she would say things that was SO off the wall that I would instinctively look at her like, "seriously??" But then I would catch myself and just respond. But the "look" would make her feel like she was dumb. So her complaint to me was that she felt dumb around me and that I did not like her as a person.

Me telling her that sometimes she is detached from reality. I would tell her in a loving way, but she is very thin-skinned, and very self-centered. She would tell me, "Be honest with me. What is one thing you would change about me if you could?" I would tell her that at times she is very selfish and give her an example. "Like the other day, you woke up, was getting yourself ready, I was sleeping, overslept and you did not say anything to wake me up knowing I had to wake the kids up and get them ready for school. You told me 'I totally forgot you were in the bed.'" It would be things like that which would make me say she is self-centered. How do you forget your husband is in the bed?