Here is my story from the SAA thread.
Quick summary is that my WW is actively in a PA.
She claims I'm mentally unstable and abusive.
I believe she's unstable though no one in her circle seems to see it or want to listen. They see me as the sole cause of her problems.
I've done a lackluster trickle exposure.
I've upset the vets on SAA and been poor at following through with the MB principles of no AOs and Plan A.

Any advice and help would be appreciated.

I have a divorce mediation appt. on Thursday. I am a BH trying to get custody of my children from my WW. She has made me out to be some kind of abusive demon. Everything I've done to try and follow the tips in SAA and from my lawyer are being held against me. I sat with my MIL and FIL last night to try and show them my side of this nightmare and they were so cruel. I tried to defend against their accusations and was beaten down every time for things I'm trying to do to prepare for being a single/better father.

There is so much more than all this but some examples are:

Going back to church: I was accused of having atheistic views and during our courtship and marriage we had not attended any church. No consideration was given to my statement that when I felt I had nowhere else to turn I turned to the church. I hadn't been to church except once or twice in almost 16 years. When I walked through those doors I knew I was in the right place.

A webcam: I put it in my room because the lawyer said sometimes women do crazy things during divorce like hurt themselves then call the police on their STBxH. I decided to move it to the living room because I frequently leave my children unattended to do housework, smoke outside, or for personal needs and as a security camera to watch the house when I'm away. They said it was creepy to have placed it in my room. And how convenient was it that I moved it to the living room on a day when I knew she would be home alone so I could "videotape" her. I had requested she let me know when she got off work so I could be there to help her prepare for our DS's b-day the next day, and she told me there was no need.

Snooping tactics: My wife is aware of my voice recorder and that there have been keyloggers used. This was taken as a way to mentally abuse her and make her paranoid. If she knows about it then wouldn't she assume anything she said to me would be recorded. Gathering evidence of the affair is seen as a direct violation of her personal privacy. She sleeps in a separate room in our rental home. She has a lock on her door because I was caught snooping for evidence of the PA which she denies the existence of.

Getting a lawyer: We had originally said we would do the divorce ourselves if it came to that to keep costs low and be friendly about it. When I found out about all her destructive behaviors and started reviewing her actions over the last 7 years I became concerned about her safety and the future welfare of our children. (not taking meds, lies, meeting AP1 on craigslist, alcohol abuse, recently experimenting with pot, dating AP2 a pot-smoker, wanting to expose our children to AP2, etc.) When I filed before her I requested primary custody and she wanted it changed to her, and I didn't serve her correctly, and I had done the papers wrong. She stated frequently that I should do what I thought was best so she could know how to move forward. So I hired my atty and had her served formally, a TRO was put in place, and a hearing was set. This was a betrayal of trust though she goaded me into it and behaved in a way I felt I needed legal protection.

Requesting financial records: apparently I'm not allowed to know how much money she has on her person or on her "pay card" because I separated our accounts before filing for divorce. I still see that we are legally married and money remains a community asset while she remains in the home. As such I have a right to know according to my attorney what she spends her money on. The TRO kept her from spending money on anything frivolous but she claims it is now expired. I don't know if they expire or not. She won't leave without the kids and neither will I.

Questions: asking her questions about her affairs to move on, heal, and see what damage she's done to herself and try to convince her to take action for the better. This was all me trying to push her over the edge. We checked her into the hospital psych ward on Friday (apparently because it was my idea to go there because it would look good for me in court) and described her problem as a psychotic break. Then the social worker came in to discuss "options" for her to get out of the home and away from the "situation". She's now in a crisis center for a few days and I won't speak to her until Monday.

I think you are getting flustered and that won't help you.



Ask the mediator to focus on the key issues of division of assets and child custody. Do not get pulled into conversation about any of the things you listed on your posting. No giving any of the topics fuel for a fire.

Division of assets and child custody. Period.

You may need to ask for the meeting to stay focused on these two things.

Is your lawyer attending the mediation with you?

Yes. The only thing we don't agree on is custody. WW and I even had a visitation schedule worked out the other night before our conversation blew up. We had agreed to:
Joint Managing Conservator-ship with me choosing primary residence.
Divorce Counseling
Parenting Classes
Children's Bill of Rights
Psych Evaluation

We were close on reduced child support and a school and xmas fund. We hung up on a drug test for her. Obviously she's smoked pot more than once. I just don't want my kids exposed to that crap. Ooops said MY; there I go being controlling again, better give my kids to her.

I would not compromise on drug testing.
Here's a other option. Drop the drug test and if you know she's on drugs file for emergency custody after divorce.
The court (this recently happened with my cousin) may order a drug test at your expense within 24 hours. If she doesn't comply or fails (my cousin just didn't do the test) you would be awarded custody.

So just remember that this is the big battle.
But you can fight battles for as long as you have kids

Why are you even negotiating with her?
Do the kids have a GAL?

As crazy as she is I can't imagine her having any custody

The drug test is a fail safe. I know she is doing pot, and dating a regular user. I can ask for custody and leave the drug test out. If she fails to relent on the custody, I just ask for the drug test. She will fail and I will get the kids. She has said she sees the "medicinal" value, and that it doesn't really impair a person. On the way to the crisis center she said she wished she was a smoker because the feeling of inhaling and then the exhale is so relaxing. She said it in reference to cigarettes but I can't help but believe she was thinking of a joint. She doesn't like cigarettes at all because her grandmother died from smoking, she has been trying to get me to quit for years. One night she even drank a bottle of vodka and smoked a whole pack of mine while on the phone with my brother, all because she didn't like me smoking. That was an awful night. I can't believe how self destructive her coping mechanisms are. And she sees no reason for me to have the children. Actually says I'm a bad parent. I'm willing to give examples of everything if you feel you need to know her side of the matter. Gotta take DS to school will write more later.

Don't think I will need a GAL now. My atty says I've pretty much got everything in the bag as long as I quit talking to her. It's so hard to though because I know my wife is inside that alien.

So I had my temporary orders hearing this morning. As of today I have the house, primary custody, and we worked out a visitation schedule between us. She is now doing some pick-ups instead of me driving all over everywhere to pick up and drop off. I hope this gives me some opportunities to Plan A her. We will likely have a final in the next 2 weeks. I wish she would talk to me. She's gone dark on me! When I pick up or drop off the kids its always MIL there doing the transaction. I picked up 2 used copies of SAA off of Amazon. One for me and one for the future day she breaks free of the fog. I pray she finds herself some day. I know people change, but there's no way I would have married this alien.

I miss her voice...I hadn't heard her voice or seen her in almost 2 weeks. It was comforting to see her hair drift about as she walked past me in the hallway. I did get to hear her say her name and yes twice, but she looked and sounded hollow. I'll have to survive on bread crumbs.

My lawyer says I should change careers and become a lawyer too. AS IF! Although a MB focused lawyer might be interesting if rather destitute. Everything I have used to defend my right as a father and get custody I have learned here. It breaks my heart to use it, but at least I wasn't forced to say anything about this woman; we settled.

So the reason I'm posting today is:

How do I plan A her now since she's gone dark?
And how/can I still plan A her after the divorce is final?

I'm practicing my anti-LB behavior on my kids. I don't know if I can attribute this to my PR or to WW being out of the home. Either way it's healthy. It's actually working with them. They are calmer and happier and becoming more disciplined. We do more things together. Taking walks, going to the park, flying kites. And my house is becoming clean and organized because that's what daddy does to fill the hours between kid bedtime and daddy bedtime.

You can Plan A just by being polite at this point.
If MIL is always at the drop off it's possible the MIL is watching the kids while ww is away.
Eventually the affair(s) will die a natural death.

I would follow other plan A threads and just keep at it.

By the way I'm a single father also.
What is the custody details?

I feel your pain because I've basically done what you are doing now. I didn't follow specifically what was outlined, and we got back together for 3 years and I fought her stubbornly about being transparent with me for all of those years.
Now she is back with the same guy that she cheated on me with before.
I was looking for advice on total termination of the relationship and thought Plan D would be it!
I would get custody, personally, then you basically have all the control over what happens to your family. I did. Now she is out and at least I have my kids. Could you imagine them living with her alone if you are having this much trouble?

Badasdad

I'm glad to hear that it's possible to get back together with my ex. A lot of changes would have to take place in her life for me to accept her back though. And we would have to follow MB principles to a T or it would be a no go. I'm not going to half-a$$ it anymore. I believe in the process set forth here and I'm doing everything I can to stick to it.

JK
As far as custody details go:

Tues-Friday she gets them in the morning.
Tues-Thurs evening I get the overnight.
Alternating Friday night and sat. Day is with her or me.
Sat night - Mon. Day I have them.
She picks up mon. evening until the cycle starts over.
She also does the morning/after-school pickups. I drop my son off in the morning and pick them up in the evenings.

I'm contacting my attorney today to have them draft up a Final and send it to her counsel. It makes me horribly sad, but needs to be done.

She claims to have fired her attorney, and will be representing herself. I told her she needs to make sure the correct paperwork is filed for waiving her right to counsel. She still hasn't responded back to the Final which was sent to her attorney. This thing needs to go one way or another here pretty soon. Turnips bleeding and all.

Your custody sounds like a mess.
Days and afternoons?
That's too confusing for a kid (I think).

I think they adapt better to one week here, one week there.