In the past, I'm not sure if it will be true now but this is what he said that weekend of Easter. Yours are hobbies and flexible. Mine is a job that I don't have a choice for. I can't be flexible and you can, so if you plan to do stuff, but I get to come home, then I won't ever see you because my job is so demanding.

I'm not sure that is the way he still feels since he has adjusted his schedule so we can go on dates each week, maybe he has changed...

I guess I need to remember the point of POJA is win win. I just have so many examples over the years like having to bow out of being Mary in a production because he had a function and wouldn't go by himself. ( I've gone to SO many things by myself..) He always seems to win as I bow out and do what he wants.. When do I get to win... But the point is no one should have to sacrifice... It is just hard to figure out when he wants me with him all the time if he is home, when I get to participate in other things... Because there are all the hours he isn't home for me to fill up, but it the hours aren't consistent.. Win Win.. Win Win.. Just keep repeating that to myself... No situation coming up with my music, partly because I withdrew from a lot. It would just be nice if my music was as important as his job. ( Which NEITHER should be more important than our marriage. I get that. )

Learning to negotiate...I think I recall dr Harley saying that is the new book he is working on, maybe out this fall?

Suggestion, bring up the issue/problem, then brainstorm possible solutions till you find one you are both enthusiastic about.

I hear you in your posts trying to figure out the "right" answer before you feel comfortable bringing up the issue with your husband, am I reading that right?

What about substitute teaching for a flexible part time job?

Yes, that is exactly it.. I need to know what the right answer is so it will go well and I won't disappoint him or make him think badly of me, so I want it to be the answer he will be happy with.

Substitute teaching might work.

Am I hearing this out of context? That's your idea of finding a win/win using POJA?

Tired you find the right answer by brainstorming and negotiating these things with him. Working the solution and renegotiating if it isn't working.

I understand your POV in not wanting to appear stupid or dumb, but you need to learn to brainstorm with your husband and not worry about what he thinks of your ideas and thoughts.

It sounds like you don't feel safe enough with him to share those thoughts?

Pepperband posted an interesting list from Al-anon I guess... I'm thinking it is things you should do but this is how I feel about my entire life not just my husband:

2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

3. Your struggle affects my serenity.

4. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.

5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.



7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.

8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

9. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want.

10. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.



12. I use giving as a way of feeling important in our relationship.

13. My social circle diminishes as I become obsessed with your problems.

14. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

15. The quality of my life is dependent on the quality of yours.

A couple of things:

Last night and this morning I was sharing how I feel like such a failure at everything. He told me all the things he thought I had done well. But I know that those things happened in spite of me and because God intervened or my children's natural talents, etc He told me that was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard and he never wanted to hear me call myself a failure again..

But it is how I feel...like I will never ever be good enough.. I don't know how to stop feeling this way.... Is it a disrespectful judgement for him to say that or tough love because I shouldn't be feeling that way....

2nd thing... I'm supposed to go see the counselor tomorrow.. I know they will call to confirm. Should I go... I don't know what the right thing is to do... I don't want to make any more mistakes...

You could spend time on trying to figure out if he was being loving or judgemental, but how do you feel? Your feeling is valid no matter what his intention was. The fact is that him telling you that you are ridiculous for ANYTHING, including your insecurities, hurts you. Were you able to discuss what conditions are prompting your feelings or was the time spent trying to change your feelings rather than change the environment?

I'm not sure I understand the question. Change my feelings rather than the environment??? Problem is I'm in charge of graduation, but I am convinced the day before that everyone will hate me because I made a mistake on the program(there wasn't) or the videos won't be ready ( not even under my control).. He told me that was silly as everyone said it was wonderful.. Lots of people told me they appreciated all the work I did.. or it can be a silly as my making a wrong turn and my yelling at myself for being studid.. Hubby says that everyone makes mistakes and we just have to learn to laugh at them. But I don't know how. So what environment do you change??

The thing is if people hate You for making mistakes, then they are angry, demeaning people to begin with. Really you're spending too much time wearing yourself out on self pity and self loathing. For the most part, most people have too many things to worry about than to get caught up on what others are doing.

If you don't do something well, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and do better next time.

My father once said to me "Regrets are a waste of time, learn from your mistakes and try to do better next time.". That one stuck with me. Prior to that I was always so concerned about what others thought of me. If I felt they would be sitting in judgment of me (even though I saw no sign of it) I would have these regrets. I would think these thoughts over and over again and thus I'd get depressed from those thoughts. What a waste of my time and of my life.

Perhaps he feels that by putting yourself down all the time, you are disrespecting his choice of you as his love and life partner?

Well, I misunderstood you as having feelings of "inadequecies" about your marriage, not a crash after a successfully done event. I don't know about you, but, as an example, after finals I felt rather down and like I didn't do well. I think it's kind of normal to worry a little bit about the job you did, but don't dwell on how it wasn't perfect. The conditions, or environment, in this case was that you were to be in charge of graduation.

Why would you yell at yourself for making a wrong turn? Or call yourself stupid? Putting yourself down can actually feel like a burden to someone else who cares about you because it feels that they have to bring you up and bring you up from twice as far down than if you just relayed how you felt nervous about pulling the event off successfully. I still wouldn't suggest you to accept being told you're ridiculous or silly about anything, I don't care if you felt everyone hated you afterwards when it isn't true. Even with the good will on his part, it seems to me that he was trying to "straighten you out" by suggesting you change your feelings about it.

I'd say that if this kind of thing stresses you that much, learn how to say "no."

You sound like my husband!

Yes, I do believe this is it. Plus, he just doesn't understand how I can feel that way when everyone looking at me from the outside would say I'm successful. But I never feel that way... And I think he feels frustrated and helpless. We had lunch today and it was nice. I do feel better. I need him to give me perspective, so I guess it wasn't a dj.. It just felt like it when I was sobbing at 11pm... I'm normally asleep by 9, but couldn't fall asleep yesterday.

I just don't get how to be radically honest about how I feel. Yet, I truly shouldn't feel the way I'm feeling. But the way I'm feeling makes him feel bad.. UGGH.