I'm new to the forum but have been listening to the radio show for several years. My story was aired at two different times.

I have been dealing with an uncommitted wife for over three years, when her affair began. I have done pretty much all that I can. I am a Christian and had forgiven her for her infidelity. My story is too long and is very complex. My wife has a lot of characteristics and behaviors of a passive aggressive. She wants to believe that I don't love her but I have been by her side all along during this nightmare. She spends no time with me and refuses to meet any of my needs. She says she will follow God but not his way in marriage. I could not go into plan B due to financial issues. My wife was without work for the last two years. I am tired of the hurt and pain and the loneliness but I understand that it's my choice to stay or to leave. This is my question: Do I really love my wife if I divorce her? To understand the true meaning of love, one must know God. Marriage is an example of Christ's covenant with the church when man having the role of Jesus and the woman the church.

Hi FindingtheLight, you might want to reconsider your notions about unconditional love in the context of Christianity. Dr Harley covers that subject in this article: What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love (Part 2) by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Another good read is here: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Is her affair still active? Have you exposed the affair?

Thanks for the info. I do not believe that it is active since she came clean about it a year ago. I exposed it to our children and she made me feel like the worst person in the world.

Who is the guy? Is he married? Does she ever speak to him or see him?

A former high school sweetheart. His wife left him and contacted me two years ago and told me to let my wife go. I have had several conversations with this man also. Not very pleasant ones either. My wife refuses to affair proof our marriage. After being open with me she would do nothing to build her trust back. She said I was controlling when I asked to see her phone or other devices that she used to communicate. She wants to separate but has no reason. She claims her affair stopped 6 months ago.

Do you have any spyware on her phone? It sure doesn't seem like she's ended her affair.

Do you remember when you were on the show?

Do you know if OM is actually Divorced?

Am I right in thinking you decided to stay simply to fund her affair?

If she needs the financial support of the marraige, she has to actually participate in the marriage.

Plan B is not the same as leaving. It is not abandonment. Plan Bers remain committed and caring while they remain married.

In Plan B, the wayward spouse can decide at any time to end Plan B and agree to participate in the marriage.

But while you support her unconditionally, you reward bad behaviour. You are funding her affair and lack of commitment.

PLEASE re-read your initial post, a mass of equivocation and relativism:

I have done pretty much all that I can (but I've really done nothing!)

I am a Christian and had forgiven her for her infidelity. (Christians should not grant unearned forgiveness in the face of ongoing transgression.)

My story is too long and is very complex. (Actually we got the gist in your first note.)

My wife has a lot of characteristics and behaviors of a passive aggressive. Your wife has you bullied into not standing up to her, probably for YEARS!

She wants to believe that I don't love her but I have been by her side all along during this nightmare. Uhhh, she is not living the nightmare, dude, she's living the two-man (sex partner and sugar-daddy) dream!

She spends no time with me and refuses to meet any of my needs. She says she will follow God but not his way in marriage.

I could not go into plan B due to financial issues. My wife was without work for the last two years. An unemployed skank is the easiest to weaken!

I am tired of the hurt and pain and the loneliness but I understand that it's my choice to stay or to leave. No, you have the choice to FIGHT, dammit!

This is my question: Do I really love my wife if I divorce her? No, you don't, unless you have cared for her enough to fight for her soul and your marriage!

It's a tragic thing when a person has lost sight of God's plan, and slips into rationalizing adultery and marital breakdown. I'm talking about YOU!

No spyware installed. Her phone is always locked.
My questions were aired on 7/27/11 and 5/28/12.
The OM is divorced.

Have you done much besides enabling the affair?

Telling your kids is not exposing the affair.

OMW, OM parents, siblings.

WW parents, siblings.

OM and WW FB friends. Copy and past their contact lists and save them. Then contact 1 at a time with a minute in between each messaging.

Thanks for your input. I do not believe her affair is active. She refuses to commit to our marriage. I believe my only choice left is to file for D. Which points back to my question about love. My focus always has been on God. That's is the only reason I have stayed this long.

FTL, what is your plan? Your question about love does not make any sense. It sounds to me like you have used "God" to enable her affair for a very long time. She has no reason to commit to your marriage because she has 2 men meeting her needs. And she very probably is still seeing him [how would you know??] or someone else.

Have you exposed her affair to your family and the OM's family?

I have put my faith in God and not used God. The affair was exposed long ago to several family members on both sides. My wife says that her and I are separated. I asked her to make a choice, to commit to marriage or leave. She says she has no choice to make. lol

Did you miss the part in the Bible where adultery is grounds for divorce? You have scriptual back-up if you choose to divorce.

I'm sure that God appreciates your desire to serve Him, but it doesn't sound like you are doing that in this case. First, you forgave your wife when she hadn't earned your forgiveness. (Jesus forgave, yes - but He also said "Go, and sin no more." Your WW is still actively wayward/sinning.) Then you failed to protect the marital covenant you made with your WW and God by sitting back and doing nothing while your marriage ran into the ditch. THEN God threw you a lifeline (you don't think you got on that radio show TWICE all by yourself, did you? You don't think you just 'stumbled' over this site, do you? No, my friend, God led you here.) But for crying out loud, man - He can't do EVERYTHING for you!

You were given tools to kill the affair and recover your marriage. You laid them back at God's feet and said "Thanks, but I'll work with MY interpretation of your Word." I suspect you also told Him "What I'm being told to do is too hard and too scary. I don't trust You THAT much."

That doesn't sound to me like your focus is on God.

I have given my wife another chance, realizing that I can divorce without it being a sin. I forgave her then but can not forgive her if she truly isn't repentant for what she has done. I did not sit back and do nothing. The only thing I haven't done was going into plan B. I know that God has a plan for all of us. Jeremiah 21:11. I love my wife but do I really love her if I divorce.

God allows us to experience the consequences of our actions to teach us to be more active in fighting wrong. Faith is supposed to inspire acts.

While having faith in God is good, you were inactive in fighting evil the entire time. God is not going to do your work for you. You actively FUNDED her during the A.

God gave you skills and knowledge for YOU to fight the A. Do not sit back and expect the harvest to get itself in.

Enabling the affair has resulted in the consequences you now face. God is trying to teach you to ACT.

You should take a leaf out of his book and allow your W to face some consequences. If the consequences teach her to repent, you may still have a marriage.

* Jeremiah 29:11