If you told me 2 months ago, this is where I would be, I would have laughed in your face. I did not wake up one morning and thought to myself, hmm...I'm in an unhappy marriage and I think I will cheat on my husband today. Having read a lot of posts here, I gather that no affairs actually start that way.

My husband is 44, I am 32. We have been together for 11 years and married for 7. We have 2 daughters, 2.5 and 11 months. H is an amazing dad and an amazing husband. I have always been really appreciative of everything he does for me. Sure, we've had issues in our marriage, but we've always worked through them together.

As you can see from my signature, our D-day (both #1 and #2) is super new and fresh.

OM was a high school friend that I had not been in touch with for years. He recently got separated from his wife (who he suspected was unfaithful, but never had proof) and he came on fb and started chatting with me. It was harmless at first, but a full on EA ensued where I just enjoyed his conversation. We met up soon after that, but nothing happened. Texted each other a lot with H fully aware of what was going on.

Finally after 2 weeks of chatting, I went over to his place one night, and we fooled around. I went back the next night. He was content just seeing me on a part time basis.

However, since openness and honesty is my #1 EN, I told H the next day what happened. This was before I found MB. I went into withdraw without realizing it. I was severely depressed and started texting OM again the next week.

A week later, I went over to OM's place and PA took place. It was one time. I told H 2 days later. We went to counseling that night.

I found MB website mid last week. And even though I knew I had to cut off all contact with OM, I did not until last Friday. I deactivated fb, deleted his #, went off instagram (as of today). I told H I can no longer go out on my own.

H has been amazing. Willing to work with me and have read some materials on MB website. We have not read any of the books, but we will be getting surviving infidelity - if anything, I feel I really need to read this.

H & I went away this past week and had an amazing talk. We did the EN questionnaire and discussed in details.

I am going through withdraw now and can recognize the symptoms. I know the only way to get past it is through action (I think a lot of you pounded this point through in another thread! LOL). I am doing my best to focus on the future and I KNOW what I am doing is right. To work on my marriage and focus on our family. But man, withdraw sucks!

I've taken EP regarding no further contact w/ OM. NC letter was sent, but not with H reading it first. Having said that, OM has not contacted me and I have not contacted him since I established that it is absolutely not ok for us to contact each other again.

Exposure-wise - we've told my sister and my best friend. But I do know I will be telling my mom next (there's only my mom and my sister in the family and H does not have any family at all). Do you recommend telling more people? As to OM's side - I assume no exposure is necessary as he is not attached. But I would appreciate if there's insight into this.

I know it's not logical to still care about OM. Someone in another thread suggested viewing him as this stranger who basically hurt my husband knowingly. I think this point of view will help me through. Any other advice?

Also, a little history - H was a formerly WH to his wife #1 (not with me). So I think he's been extremely understanding because of his history. I am sure people who look at us must think we're crazy. We have both been pretty logical and mature about how to go about this without too much drama. A lot of tears, but no AO or judgments.

Thank you for listening. Looking forward to finding love in this marriage again. We will be working on UA this week. It will be tough, but absolutely necessary to make this work.

PS - both H and I are supposedly in the personal development industry/business with a focus on helping couples. This experience has been umm...humbling to say the least.

Does this mean you weren't the OW in your husband's first marriage?

That's correct. I was not OW in H's first marriage.

RH,

As to OM's side - I assume no exposure is necessary as he is not attached. But I would appreciate if there's insight into this.

I would have your BH expose OM to everyone who matters in OMs life, if only to reestablish your BHs manhood and make sure OM knows there is a cost to his actions.

Do not have sex with your BH until you are tested for STDs!

God Bless
Gamma

RH,

You absolutely must inform the OMW, even if he claims they are separated, I would have your BH speak with OMW.

OM is likely lying about the reason for the separation.

God Bless
Gamma

The contents of your no contact letter matters a lot. Did you mention in it that you have hurt your husband whom you love and you intend to hurt him no more and end contact with the other man for life? These two things are essential.

Did you express feelings of caring or love for the other man in the no contact letter? If you did, this was not a no contact letter. A new one should be sent, and your husband should see it before it is sent. As it is, you show him a copy of the letter you sent out.

If you can muster the will power to not contact your affair parnter, then in a few weeks, you will start to get out of withdrawal. It's a process. Affairs are an addiction, and you are still very much hooked. The only way to kick the habit is to eliminate all means of contact with the other man. Suck it up.

You should spend time with your husband (15 hours a week of undivided attention) and read Dr. Harley's books together. Its good that you have ordered Surviving an Affair. That's the place to start. In the meantime read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Dr. Harley recommends that couples who are recovering from an affair take a vacation away together.

Gamma - thank you for your advice. I know the advice given on here are by the experienced. So I will be discussing the exposure to OMW w/ BH. The fact that OM could've lied about reason for separation never occurred to me until you said it. Thank you for that.

Justthe3ofus - thank you regarding NCL. I will be rewriting another one and have BH read and send it.

Thank you for the link - I've spent the past week reading all of them. A lot of ideas I rejected at first, but coming around to them seeing that they are absolutely necessary. And yes, we are working on UA this week. Will try to make it 20 hours.

Hi rainheaven, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined there. It has transformed many, many marriages.

The other thing I wanted to comment on is the fact that this OM is a married man. As such, his wife should be notified of the affair by your husband. If he won't do it, I would find a way to get the news to her yourself. That is something that HAS to be done. I also agree that your mother should be informed, but Dr Harley would recommend that this news come from your husband. He doesn't advocate self exposure.

Welcome aboard.

Welcome to MB.

Have you changed all your contact information? Just blocking his number won't do when he can call from another number and/or email.

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Also write a NC letter and have your BH send it and send a copy to OMBW.


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

11 months ago you had a baby....did you have any postpartum issues and if so, were you or are you now on any medication. I'm not looking for excuses here...just some explanations.



You and your husband have an opportunity to learn about, deal with and overcome one of the most difficult issues facing couples and marriages today. Do you two do this for a living or is this something you do through your church??

BTW...my wife and I are something like 8 or 9 years recovered from her short lived affair with an old high school boyfriend who also was recently divorced and probably cheated on by his ex-wife that also contacted her through facebook. I, too, knew they were friends but didn't think anything of it. Fortunately, we don't live anywhere near him or where they went to high school. Is moving far away even a consideration?

Thank you ML - yes, I will look into seeking out OMW. Also will definitely be getting a copy of the book.

BH - We never had a phone relationship, having said that, we will consider changing my phone #. He never had my email contact info. FB has been blocked, deactivated, etc. We will write the NC letter. Thank you for the template.

MW - yes, postpartum has been addressed and it was an issue right after it happened. Medication isn't necessary at this moment as I am not a harm to myself or those around me. However, therapy is something that I am starting regularly. You're right, it is not an excuse - it was absolutely my choice. It was still good to have it diagnosed as it could've gone on forever.

And yes, it is what my husband and I do for a living - but have been put on hold as we sort out how to go through these issues. We are being transparent about our issues as we have always been an open book. Having been in the industry for so long is what is helping us with this process with a bit more logic and maturity.

Moving is not a consideration at this time. But I will bring that up with my husband to see what he says. I do know that he did not cheat on his ex and that his ex definitely cheated on him.

This is a very overwhelming process and I'm slowly absorbing everything. I do appreciate all of your input.

I realized I forgot to address the STD issue - I will make an appointment to get tested this week.

You and your husband might benefit from picking up a copy of one of Dr. Harley's more recent books specifically designed to teach marriage coaches how to coach successfully.

Effecitve Marriage Counseling - The His Needs Her Needs Guide to Helping Couples


Also, you could do the online program because if anyone knows the value of getting outside professional help it's you guys. But I'm not here to "sell" you Dr. Harley. You can write him and Joyce Harley free of charge and be a guest on their internet radio show. Also, add the free app to your phone and listen along...it's great stuff and really forces you to think and focus on your marriage every day.

How you doing on No Contact? No backsliding, it's over. OM will be OK you don't need to check up on how he's doing, he's a big boy and doing just fine.

MW - We will look into that book for sure. We're no where near to the point where we can coach others at this time. We are in the fire now and once we go through it, we'll evaluate where our business can go from there. It's definitely an interesting place to be!

And thank you for your comment about the OM. Haha, I'm not going to lie, it is what I think about 24/7 right now. You're right, he's a big boy and he'll be fine. And definitely NC since Friday. I know it hasn't been long. I'm taking it one day at a time and whenever I feel the urge to contact, I come here or talk to my husband about it. I'm holding on to the fact that withdraw is about 3 weeks. The only thing keeping me from contacting OM is that I know it will set me back to day 1 and the thought of starting this withdraw all over again makes me ill. I know it's not a good reason, but any reason is good at this point.

I have been reading A LOT about other people's stories. Some very encouraging, others not so much. My hope is we'll come out of this being an encouraging one by doing all the work listed here.

Did the postpartum depression precede the inappropriate conversations with OM????

Might indicate self-medicating behavior....ANYTHING to feel better even temporarily.

Please realize that any more contact with OM won't make ANYTHING feel better even temporarily. Infidelity is a black hole which is very hard to escape. Keep monitoring yourself, get medical assistance even medication if necessary and trust your husband to look out for you and protect you.

Good job reaching out for help here. It's the best place on the web for you both.

Here's my wife's first thread..

Mrs. Wondering arrives at MB

After that you can click on her name and read anyone of her 6000 or so posts. It might be confusing if you do that because for awhile at the beginning, we shared the name WWWondering before we each got our own names. You can click on "topics created" to get a shorter list of just threads that she started on MB over the years.




I do have one question. You two have been together 11 years. He was 33 and you were about 20. That's unusual. What's a 33 year old divorced guy have in common with a 20 year old? Maybe it's a cultural thing and common in your culture (this is the world wide web) but such age discrepancies can often be a red flag. Did he "rescue" you? Do you have any parent-child {father - daughter} relational tendencies?

I don't wish to ruffle feathers but I think this has gotten a bit psycho-analytical which would distract from an MB focus on how to recover.

I've been through postnatal depression myself and when you have two children nearly under two, the idea of meeting up with another man and having an affair speaks soundly of BOUNDARY problems and not emotional issues from the depression or being a younger spouse. You hardly have time to take a shower in peace, so if you actually have the time and effort to go out off the house and meet another man, it means:

You aren't following appropriate boundaries

You are spending nights out alone without your spouse when you probably don't have that time to start with

Because you certainly aren't meeting UA (undivided attention)

Which leads to various needs - SF, emotional needs - not being met between spouses

Back you are to not having boundaries and hence seeking them outside the marriage. Let's not make this more complicated then it needs to be.

I agree...but she's white knuckling "no contact" so I figured we could take a trip down some distractions and get to know this poster better.

It's better than talking about OM.


It's also informative. Infidelity often occurs in correlation with major life changes...new jobs, pregnancy, children, death of a parent, loss of a child, etc. It's not excuses but it helps explain partially to people who never even considered cheating how they became more vulnerable to it's allure.

Ok, a couple of things:

PPD was only diagnosed after I made contact with OM. Having a diagnosis definitely gave me a clearer picture of how this happened (chasing the next high all time time). However, what I did was still my choice, and I take full responsibility for that. It is a boundary problem. My husband and I were living most of the MB principles before (without realizing it) and definitely slipped in the past year or so. And yes, UA is a huge part. We were getting probably a lot more UA than other new parents, but obviously not enough.

And it is nice to talk about things other than OM. I think everyone is white knuckling around here. It's not pretty, but it does have to be done. I know this fog phase is temporary, and I am just really looking forward to it being lifted so I can work on my marriage with the love that my husband deserves.