Hi everyone. It has been a long time since I visited here. My wife and I last came here in the year or two leading up to our marriage ten years ago. The last decade has mostly gone well, but there is one issue that has been driving a wedge between us: sex. Since we started having kids, my wife's interest in sex has fallen precipitously, and over the last three years has pretty much disappeared entirely. My drive has remained fairly high and that has led to a nasty feedback loop of guilt (on her part) and resentment (on my part) that has only made things worse.

The good news is that both of us are willing to put in the effort to fix things. My assignment has been to research things that we can do. There is certainly no shortage of stories like ours, but the potential fixes are few and far between. A lot of things I've read are similar to this ***EDIT*** which just make me want to bang my head against the desk because we are already doing 90+% of the items on that list (and making solid efforts on the rest).

Dr. Harley's suggestion is definitely an outlier compared to others I've read. His suggested course of action comes in the form of 8 letters from "Mary". Those letters could very easily describe our problems (particularly my wife) if you changed the names and tweaked a few of the ages and years. But it is a bit disconcerting that the long exchange of letters ends so abruptly and without a resolution.

I'm sure there are plenty of people here that have faced similar problems. What worked? Has anyone tried Dr. Harley's prescription in particular? Are there any other books or websites I/we should read to get us through this?

Thanks.

Is your wife in love with you?

Definitely.

edit: To expand a bit on that point, she has been saying for years that after we are done having kids she will do whatever it takes to fix the problem. Now that we have reached that point, we've seen enough doctors that we (or at least I) am convinced that the problem is not medical. She desperately wants to improve things, but she was hoping for a female Viagra that doesn't exist.

It is entirely possible you are getting the cart before the horse.

You can totally work on the aversion exercises, but the best approach would be to combine that... actually prelude that with restoring romantic love in your marriage.

The most important thing you can do for that, is to make sure you and your wife are spending a minimum of 15 hours each week giving each other your undivided attention and meeting the intimate emotional needs of intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection........ and sexual fulfillment.


Primarily, you should focus on becoming each other's favorite recreational companions. This should be SO important, that until you learn to be each other's favorite recreational companions, you should forfeit any other recreational activities alone or with other people.

If you go under the Questionnaires links above, you will find several forms you can go through together to begin this process.



Now - above I mentioned a minimum of 15 hours a week. Well, in the case of restoring romantic love in a marriage, you should actually try to be getting 25 hours or more each week for a period of several months to build your love bank balances above the romantic threshold. After that, it should be never less than 15 hours each week.

Your wife may find her self more willing to make love if romantic love is restored in your marriage.

That is your suggested start.

HHH has hit on the problem in your marriage. Your wife does not want to make love to you because she has fallen out of love. Her feelings towards you have faded. Women need 2 things to desire sex: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. She won't have an emotional attachment to you unless you are spending at least 15 hours a week on undivided attention time. Dr Harley recommends 4 - 4 hour dates per week followed by SF at the end of your dates. These should be scheduled using the UA worksheet.

The love in a marriage cannot be sustained if you are not spending that much time together every week. Dr Harley describes your problem and the solution in this article. It really works!

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

Here is the worksheet: here

Do you ever fight?

This is good stuff. For a number of reasons, I haven't planned to "roll out" the SF fulfillment strategy for some time (possibly a New Year's resolution?), so that gives us a good chunk of time to work on the undivided attention.

Of course, my reaction to the 15 hours is the same one that I imagine everyone has: how do you pull that off with 3 young children and two careers that require a lot of work in the evening? I've started brainstorming a list of activities, but are there any good threads or articles that discuss how to fit that in practically?

We almost never fight. You could count the total number of times on one hand (over fifteen years). Unfortunately, one of them happened fairly recently (early summer) and there has been some venting at the therapist (spring and early summer). So, while things have been heated recently, we are still in a very good place overall.

I woiuld roll this out now and make it a part of your dates. What is the reason you wuold put this off?


The way to fit this in practically is to place your UA time at the top of your list since it is the most important things in your lives. Your intact marriage is the most important thing to your kids and it should come first. The best way to do this is to start setting up babysitters and have a list of babysitters that you can call on. Sit down and scehdule your dates every Sunday afternoon for the upcoming week. Write out dates, times, activities. Time that is scheduled is harder to put off. You can then line out babysitters for the week.

The best date times are early in the evening. The dates should be out of the house.


I hate to tell you but you are headed for a bad place because a loss of interest in sex [from the female] is the canary in the mine. It is an indication that your wife is losing her love for you. That is the beginning of the end and you can prevent this if you can arrange your lifestyle to SUSTAIN a marriage. Your lifestyle likley cannot sustain a marriage right now.

Medical. As much as I'd like to start a routine of having sex four times a week, my wife has some lingering health issues. Those should be cleared up by the end of the year, but I don't feel comfortable asking her to extend herself physically before that. I do feel comfortable asking her to put in this effort on our marriage (and I think she will be very receptive). And I certainly won't fight her if she offers the sex.

I see where you are going. We'll jump on this right away.