Hi,
I've been reading a lot about affairs, but I seem only to find things that address the issues or needs of the BS...My husband and I are both currently reading Surviving an Affair, and I do want to save my marriage...However, I just got out of the affair about 10 days ago and I am really having a difficult timing adjusting. I miss the OP and still have feelings of love towards him...etc. Does anyone else have these types of feelings and if so, what do you do to get through them? I keep hurting my H everytime I have these feelings and am honest about them...where do I go from here? I want to have loving feelings about my H, but right now, everything he does just seems needy and unattractive...I'm truly at a loss...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to the right place for help and support. I understand that it is miserable at first, but if you continue not having contact with him, you will start feeling better.

There are a ton of women here you have been in your position. Hopefully they will chime in.

Hi, WWW!

Welcome to MB!

As I understand it, your feelings are completely normal, but the vets will be along soon to give you lots of great advice.


Alph.

Perhaps it would help to read about anothers long journey back.

SKM Chronicles
There are many who have come back, this is only one. If you read the forums long enough, you will see the pain caused by affairs, and the joy that comes from making things right.

It does take time, I hope you can stick it out.

SS

WWW, welcome to MB. I admire you coming here as a WW. It is not always easy and you may get some flack from hurting BS's but don't give up. We can help you save your M.

I am both a RWS (recovered wayward spouse) and BS. You will feel better once you get through withdrawl and eventually your feelings for your H will return. NC is essential.

Did you end the A on your own or did your BS find out first? It is great that you are reading SAA. Did you send a NC letter?

There are several RWS here that have recovered their M's. Look for posts from Aussieswife, KiwiJ, Kyellow and others for examples.

Glad you are here. Is there any way you can get your H here too?

www... Welcome to MB and the wonderful (NOT!) world of withdrawal.

I was in your shoes lst fall and believe me, I know how much it hurts. Your best weapons for fighting the withdrawal are time and IC (individual counseling) and also MC (marriage counseling) with your H.

My H also appeared unattractive and needy in the early days following DDay. But gradually, over time, I came to realize that it was the FOM who was less attractive. Think about it -- what kind of guy gets involved with someone else's wife? If he was a "friend," (like my FOM supposedly was), he'd try to help you and your H recover, not get you in the sack and sneak around. The one thing that really ticks me off about my FOM was that he could see I was vulnerable and instead of helping me, he took advantage. ARGH!

There's no set time for how long withdrawal lasts -- some say that it lasts about as long as the A. My A went on for around four months, and the worst of my WD was probably over in 3-4 months. Your mileage may vary.

Try to remember what made you fall in love with your H in the first place. Plan some special things to do together -- stuff that's really fun, stuff that brings back fond memories from those gaga romantic times when you were first dating.

As are based on fantasy, not reality. What you have with your H runs far deeper than what you had with the FOM.

And for heaven's sake, try to avoid "triggers" -- things like listening to music you and FOM might have liked, or eating at the restaurants you might have eaten at. I still have one particular CD stashed away because I don't want it to trigger any memories of FOM.

It will be a tough roller coaster ride, but with IC, MC, and time, hopefully you will get through it. And hopefully some other FWSs will post to you. I go try to round one or two up, okay?

Chin up, sister, and have a nice Fouth of July weekend!

This completely normal. It takes time to grieve the loss of the relationship. It gets complicated because you feel guilty that you miss it.

Have you written a no contact letter or committed to same? Any contact at all will prolong your withdrawal. Any mementos? Get rid of them.

Here's something that really helped me...good IC. You need a safe place to out process your feelings about the OM. I don't think it's fair to expect your H to help you do this.
My IC helped me understand why I really had to let the OW go. We talked about things that I know would've been hard for my wife to bear. If you don't do this emotional vivisection and get it all out on the table, you may never really recognize what drives your obsession for contact. If you don't know what's driving you, it's hard to do anything about.

One of the more shocking conclusion I came to in IC was that I really did love the OW...and that's ok. I spent a lot of sleepless nights feeling guilty about this and wondering if it was real or was I just nuts or what. That's hard for some to hear.

I did share this with my W. She says this is the single most difficult thing she's had to deal with, but the flip side is that she's not sure that she'd want to be married to a man who'd do what I did with the OW without love.

So, I'd recommend you get into IC and MC as soon as you can. Do everything you can to show your H you love him, even if you don't feel like it. Drop your defenses and excuses. There is no excuse for what we've done. Acknowledge his pain and be humble and apologetic.

You have a unique chance to grow, WWW. Don't waste it by wallowing in self pity, or worse yet, on renewed contact.

Low

Hi Wondering
Like yourself I am a FWS - former wandering spouse or wife and YES what you are feeling is very very normal for the situation you are in.
The feelings for your OM can last for anything from 2 weeks to 8 weeks in most cases but can last a lot longer depending on the circumstances.
You will find as long as you maintain NO CONTACT - NC - then it will lessen for you. However if you give in to contact you go right back to the beginning.
Please read all this site over & over and make sure you read His Needs Her Needs at least.

Now yes of course your H appears needy and unattractive to you. WHY??? Because you HURT him very badly as I did my H.
Right now you acknowledge this intellectually without 'feeling' the hurt you have given him. This is part of the distance that has developed between you.
He deperately is seeking some comfort and you are not able to provide it yet. My MC suggested to both of us to fake it until we can make it.

Now she did not say we should lie but rather be there to hold a hand, let the other have comfort from the presense of the other even when it was the last thing we wanted to do. It did help a bit during the hard time when it was so raw.

Though it is so hard for you it is worse for your H. Try and reverse the situation and imagine what you would feel if he had another woman on the side. It may help you when you feel very impatient with him.

Theres alot to do wondering so read read read and ask questions. I hope you can work through this, it is very possible if you try.

All the best AW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Faithful Follower,
Thanks for your kind response, I'm sort of expecting the backlash effect...??? My story goes like this, I'm a southern girl relocated up north b/c my husband is originally from here(he went to law school down south-that's how we met 13 years ago next month-we've been married for 8 years next month-I'm 35 and he is 38). I have felt very isolated since being here, it will be 9 years this month, but the isolated feelings got worse after we had our daughter 5 years ago and I decided to be a stay at home mom. I, like many WS's before me, I'm sure, feel like my story is unique, but I honestly don't believe that the affair would have happened if my ex-boyfriend of "on again off again" nine years wouldn't have contacted me through classmates.com. At first nothing "bad" was going on in our communications, just the usual "how have you beens?", but then my husband said we could move back down south, and then retracted. For me, it was all downhill from there. You see, this particular "ex" had always been part of my fantasy life, and I had secretly wondered about him for years, and he as it turned out viewed me in the same light. Now that I was upset with my H, it opened the door for more intimate conversations with the "ex" and recollections of how things used to be. My "ex" had severed all contact with me when he got married 13 years ago, now he was divorced and telling me that the reason that he severed contact was that he knew he could never be faithful to his wife and be in contact with me. This should have been a red flag to me to stay far, far away from this person, instead, it fed my very low ego. Making everything seem even more like fate had somehow intervened, we learned that our daughters were not only the exact same age, but were actually born on the very same day and year. I began wondering out loud what would have happened if...what a slippery slope it then became. My daughter and I were set to visit back home that very month, without my H, who was spending almost every waking moment at work. It all seemed so natural, we were "meant to be", he was so attentive and the same old physical attraction that we had always felt was stronger than ever. We were together for as often as we could be in those two weeks, and made plans for the entire summer...I figured that I could talk my H into letting my daughter and I move there for the summer, since he was so busy with work. My H actually got suspious and began reading e-mails and finally some very dooming text messages and confronted me. As all WS's when backed into a corner, I continued to lie until I realized that he really knew and I had to confess. He was and is amazing in his abilities to "deal" with me and all of my shortcomings. He listened, non judgmentally and just let me talk...he actually had a lot of these skills down before actually coming to this site. It was then that he began doing research about affairs and came upon this site I believe. He is amazing, I don't think that I would have been as level headed in the same situation. I suppose in his readings he learned more about how to deal with the situation, and he stood by as I made plans to go and be with the OM for two weeks. And that is just what I did, all the while telling him I just had to figure things out in a more secure environment, "down home" and that I wasn't sure if I would be with the OM. The sad thing is, I already knew that I was going to be with the OM, and was at the point in the A where I would have said, done and/or given up everything just to get to be with the OM, wow, that's harsh, but that's the reality. At this point, my H had said that the only way that I could continue "being friends" with this person was if I wasn't "with" him during these two weeks(my H had not yet studied or embraced Dr. Harley's concepts). I, of course, lied to continue the A and said that I wasn't sleeping with him, as soon as I came home, however, it was written all over my face and he confirmed it by reading my text messages while I was showering. Luckily, for our marriage, my husband had already begun reading SA at this point. The OM broke it off with me, I'm not entirely sure why, which is making my process even more difficult...no closure, speculation,etc.??? It has come out in our very early recovery that my H had propositioned one of our staff(we own businesses together), and she (thankfully) turned him down. So, as you can see, we have created quite a mess. We both want to stay together, and are now trying to apply Dr. Harley's principles, though my husband is doing much better with this than I am. He has been on these forums for a while now, but not posting, he actually emailed me one of the posts which is how I came to be here. Any encouraging thoughts, ideas and of course everyone's prayers are very welcome. He knows that I have posted here, and has read my post...open and honest, I am really trying. Everyday remains a struggle for me not to try and contact the OM, there is a part of me that just wants to know what happened for there to have been such an abrupt end to what, at least at the time, felt so very real??? I know this is really long, thanks to any and all who choose to read it.

Thank you so much, you'll never know how good it feels to realize that others have felt the same way and have gotten through it! I've got a lot of editing to do on my "Ipod" to get rid of "trigger" music...I, like others before me wish so much that all of this had NEVER happened!

There are times that I feel like I have a good grip on things, but others when I feel like I'll never climb back up from the abyss. The other night when my H and I were talking, somehow we began talking about our "courtship" and that led to us talking about how he had been unfaithful then...many times...I actually went to sleep thinking good, finally now, you know what you put me through. There is a lot of bitterness on my part even though I am the WS. Can anyoone identify with this?

Yep, we all think our stories are "unique" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I hate classmates.com. Just another way to start A's IMHO. Yes, I can see how this all started. Exactly the way my H's 1st A did. Mine was a co-worker that I knew for years.

There really is no such thing as "closure", so please put it out of your mind that you have to know why it ended so abruptly. It really doesn't matter, HE (OM) doesn't matter. What does matter is that you and your H are being honest and open with each other. Have you two done the EN questionaire? You should also do the RC questionaire. Find some ways to not be so isolated and lonely. Get involved in your community, make it your home.

Glad you are here with us.

Hi, wwwondering -

Welcome to MB, sorry for the reason we are here. One quick tip: It would be easier to read your posts if you would turn them into paragraphs.

I’m a FWW (former wayward wife). Just wanted to tell you a little of what I’ve learned from my experience.

You wrote: “I, like many WS's before me, I'm sure, feel like my story is unique, but I honestly don't believe that the affair would have happened if my ex-boyfriend of "on again off again" nine years wouldn't have contacted me through classmates.com.”

My A began EXACTLY the same way yours did – complete with finding out we had things in common and feeling like it was fate that reunited us, and yada yada. It seemed unique at the time, but after reading this message board for 2 years, I can promise you that nothing about our A’s (affairs) was unique or special.

We were ripe to have an A (I, too, felt lonely and isolated), and we didn’t guard our hearts and minds, talk to our H’s (husbands) about our problems, and work on our relationships instead of turning to someone outside our M’s for support.

You wrote: “which is making my process even more difficult...no closure, speculation,etc.???”

There is no such thing as closure!!! It’s very important to realize this! Immediately establishing and continuing NC (no contact) with OM is essential to the recovery of your M (marriage). If your resume contact, you will only feel WORSE, which is another thing I can PROMISE you.

You will miss OM even more, be more hurt by him, HURT YOUR HUSBAND MORE, and set back your chances to recover your M. Your H has been wise and wonderful so far, but everyone has a limit on patience. Trust me on this one!

You’re doing the right thing by coming here for help. Read the material on this site, buy the books, do the questionnaires, concentrate on your H and your M and your child.

God bless,

Rose

You are doing very well for being so new in this. I have high hopes for your marriage. But of course, as I think you know, it has to be a brand new marriage. The old status quo won't do anymore.

So talk all of this out with your husband - the old hurts, disappointments, and bitterness. Everything has to be swept out the door to make way for a new, much more wonderful marriage.

Absolutely, WWW. My H had a number of very close friendships with other women during our courtship, some of which would probably have failed the test of appropriateness had we been married. I have always felt a little resentful that it took him nearly eight years to decide to marry me (and I'm sure these friendships played a part in that).

I still sometimes have trouble letting go of the bitterness, both toward H and toward the FOM. But ya know, what good does harboring bitterness do? Another very wise FWW who occasionally posts here says "replace the bad thoughts with good thoughts." And a marriage coach on another site adds to this by suggesting to "bank up" some good thoughts so that when thoughts of FOM creep into your brain, you can redirect to something more positive.

My A was long-distance too, but not an old flame, just someone I met thru mutual friend who I've also had to more or less cut out of my life. And when it ended, he was starting something up with a new GF.

BTW, NC is ESSENTIAL!!! We were both on our nutual friend's e-mail list and FOM would be a bonehead and do "reply all" to e-mails from our friend. Trigpered me every time I saw his name. E-mail blocks and filters are your friend! Delete his number from your cell phone. Do whatever it takes. Out of sight, out of mind. You will heal quicker. Trust me on this. Take care.

Hear, hear, believer! Right on!

2 days after d-day, our pastor told us that the M we had was not worth saving, that we both had a lot to forgive each other for, and that we would have to start over on a new M. He's the one who gave us a copy of His Needs, Her Needs.

By the way, believer - you're the greatest. I don't think I have ever posted to you before, but I admire you and pray for you.

God bless,

Rose

Thanks to all of you for replying so quickly and for being so understanding. Difficult times are always so much easier when you don't feel alone in your dilemma.

I know that I need to start IC, my H already has, but I even have a dilemma with that...my own counselor, who I've been seeing for years is wonderful, but she is a Christian counselor, and there is the "Southern Baptist" hypocrite in me that doesn't want her to know that I slipped up in this way...I'm not sure if I should "bite the bullet" and continue seeing her since she knows my history or if I should try someone new...my H has asked me to go with him, but I feel like I would be coming in as the bad guy...I just feel like I will face judgement in both of those arenas. I don't feel very motivated to seek out someone new, in fact, I don't feel motivated to do very much of anything these days...

WWW -

"I don't feel motivated to do very much of anything these days... " All the more reason to see an IC! If your depression worsens, everything will be even harder to deal with. Start taking care of yourself in every area of your life.

If you're uncomfortable telling your current IC, I would encourage you to find someone else. I know from experience that it's important to be careful who you tell now while you're emotional, because when things settle down, you don't want to regret who you told. You want to be sure it's someone you trust, but also someone you won't be embarrassed around for the rest of your life.

I was raised Southern Baptist, by the way. I felt like I "balanced" my counseling by having a secular IC and a Christian MC. That was just something I felt I needed to do. There are a lot of resources out there.

God bless,

Rose

WWW,

I love it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
WWW, if none of us made mistakes the pews of churchs could and would be empty. Use your counselor, you and she have the same background and way of viewing these moral delimnas (sp).

Next thing for you to understand and it is very important if you are going to post here. You are going to hear things you won't like we often refer to them as 2x4's upside the head. You being a "southern"girl understand this right? Well, the point you need to make sure you keep straight is your are NOT being judged. Your actions are being assessed. I am not playing games here. Very good people make the mistake you have made. What needs to be assessed is your decision making, boundary setting, communication skills, and your plans for the future.

You probably don't realize this yet, but if there is one thing this site is big on it is PLANS. You and your H are going to be making plans to not only rebuild your marriage but IMPROVE your marriage. That is the goal. So assesssments need to be made by you, your H, and your counselors as to the optimum ways to heal both of you, get you two to forgive one another, and improve your marriage.

So you got that??? Your actions and words are going to be examined as assessed, but judgement...that is up to a higher power than exists on this board.

Welcome and I hope your H decides to post as well.

God Bless,

JL

JL...

Glad you enjoyed the "Southern Baptist Hypocrite" comment...you must either be one of us or know some of us first hand...Ha!

As for plans...it just seems too soon to make them, I know that I am still reeling from the entire ordeal...it's hard to believe that contact with the OM was only established in Feb. and the entire thing happened and ended by June, with actual physical contact occurring only for two weeks in March/April and then another two weeks in May...huge whirlwind and a blur.

I really do appreciate your response and know that I need and deserve quite a few "2 X 4's"...Though if swung too hard might be a bit much at this point in the game.

It's still very hard for me to grasp the concept of wanting a "new marriage"...I constantly question whether it will ever feel natural again. Right now, much of everything feels very forced. Don't get me wrong, even as I de-valued my spouse during the A, I knew deep down that I still loved him, and always would. In fact, as I have told him, I have always maintained a very clear image of us regaining the amazing friendship and rapport that has always existed(when we gave it the time)between us...We never lost the friendship, it is the romance that I now struggle to regain, and wonder if we ever will again? In some ways that friendship may have even contributed to more hurt for him...we have always been very candid with each other, and in "coming clean" about the A, I spared no detail in the bedroom descriptions and I wonder if our life there will ever recover???

WWWondering
WW-me 35
BH-38
D-5
DDay-04/26/2005

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> classsmates dot com <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

a well known site for infidelity quicksand

reuniting old flames from the past has screwed up many a good marriage ...

YOU can recover ... read and post and do NOT contact Om for any reason ...

Best of luck

PeP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />