***Edited to change the subject line*** Don't know if that's what I should be doing??


I hope I didn't miss anyone.

To those of you who responded to my posts 2-3 weeks ago, I owe you an apology. My H got on my computer and I feared he found MB. My posts had so much detail in them that I panicked and deleted all my posts. I didn't want him reading all the details I posted (including my snoop stuff). I have been visiting here everyday, sometimes several times a day, reading all the articles and keeping up with many posts.

Anyway, here's the gist of my story so far. Three weeks ago I asked if my H had any other women in his life during our 19 year marriage. He confessed to 3 short-term affairs--13 years ago, 5 years ago, and 6 months ago. He has given me some details, but has continued to withhold some info that I feel is very important. I want the time frame snarrowed down so I can fit this into my life. I also want to know WHO THEY ARE not just where he met them.

We have had a couple talks over these weeks that have produced some sharing but have also been frightening for me to hear. I thought we both were so committed to our relationship, even though we both fell short of meeting certain needs. But he has told me there were several times throughout the years that he no longer wanted to be married. During one talk, I was pretty blunt about his unwillingness to be HOME with his family. That I tuck the littles in and they ask, will daddy be home before I'm asleep. I said some things that I think were hard for him to hear, and I hope he received them.

Having now read Surviving an Affair (along with Torn Usunder and Secrets Men Keep), I can pinpoint my needs that went unmet. Needs I didn't realize were there, or at least couldn't articulate. He has expressed in the past that he needed more SF and admiration. As I look back on it, he should have received more. But he was unwilling to devote the time I needed him to towards family commitment and recreational time. He did try to meet my needs in other ways, but I now understand these to be two very high needs for me that he totally refused to meet. So the viscious cycle continued for years. This last year, especially the last, months he has seemed so distant and dettached from me. That was what led me to ask about an affair. I was expecting him to be having his FIRST one. He says he is not involved with anyone right now, but that he had emotionally checked out of our marriage and that is why I noticed the change.

I have asked him to attend MC with me, but he is non-committal about it. He is encouraging me to find someone to see, and he says he needs to find an IC. I was really hoping we could meet together. I have an appointment to meet with someone tomorrow (he is familiar with Dr. Harley's info and uses the Love Bank idea).

I have ran the gammut of the emotional rollercoaster these last few weeks. The first week was physical shock--tears, shaking, sobbing--mixed with rage (throwing books across the room emptying two full bookcases).

My present struggle is that ever since this has come out, he has really pulled away. I have been trying to meet his needs, but am feeling very rejected, not just because of the affairs but because of his attitude toward me now. I feel as though he is avoiding me, staying busy with the kids or activities or errands just to avoid me. I don't know if he is purposely ignoring me or just can't "face" me. I would love insight on this. One thing he has always asked is that I initiate SF more often. About 5 days past D-day, I began longing to be close with him that way, and so started initiating it. We had wonderful SF several nights. But this last week, he is too tired. WHAT! This from a man who has never in his life been too tired. My first thought was that he is still seeing someone, but he hasn't had much opportunity and I have been checking up. That doesn't mean I am SURE of it. But the signs aren't there right now. So, is he concerned that I am doing it just to please him out of my desparation?? Is he turned off by me?? Is he struggling with his own emotions and that makes it difficult for him to want to?? Is he mad because I didn't show this kind of interest before? (Heck, I'm mad that I didn't. It's so obvious to me NOW.) I am so confused about this. When we have had SF these last few weeks, it's been the best in a long, long time. OK, so my interest in it confuses me too. I don't know if this has just been a wake up call for me that I have failed in this area, or if I am behaving in a messed up way, or what is up. But I am looking forward to it everyday (would have been a dream come true to him not long ago).

I really want to go away with him for a weekend or longer. I asked him about it and he didn't respond. He did mention at another time that I want it all lovey-dovey and he just can't do that right now. I don't expect it all lovey-dovey, but I would like something from him. I get no sweet words (he used to be full of loving things to say), no hugs or kisses (except the SF I initiated), really not touch at all. He hasn't yet set up a counselor or given me anything else to hope for except that he (after waiting a week past D-day) said he wanted to work on our marriage. I told him this right away. I told him I have always wanted to grow old with him, and that I wasn't expecting it to mean going through this, but that I still want to grow old with him. God has allowed me to feel forgiveness (at times). He says my reaction has him baffled.

I am trying to speak words of admiration to him every few days. But there are some days, the thought of speaking those kinds of words to him make me want to puke, especially since I feel like I am getting nothing at all from him--except that he is staying here. At one point, he mentioned maybe we should separate. I told him that was a bad idea for all of us (5 kids included) and that was his way of running away. He hasn't said any more about that, but I still fear it greatly.

So what do I fear right now?

1) He may leave and never come home.

2) He may not leave but never turn his heart back to me.

3) He may never be able to be open and honest with me (another very high need for me)

4) He may find his own counselor and work on "his stuff" and his counselor may suck and preach the "do what makes you feel good" thing

5) He may have another affair.

6) He may be having an affair now.

7) That I'll never be sure of his love again.

8) That I'll never feel cherished, protected, and desired again.


I'm sure there's a lot more. I'm trying to give my fears to God whenever they flood my mind. But there keep coming back.

What do I need??

1) Complete honesty and openness about the affairs. (I expect him to continue to refuse any more info).

2) Complete transparency from here on out. (Could be difficult as his cell and computer are his business', so I do not have access to cell records or computer)

3) Counseling, preferrably together, but at least both of us separate.


4) A d*mn hug, a real one, with his long arms wrapped tightly around me--it always made me feel sooooo safe--I am praying it still will.

5) Some time alone together instead of avoidance.


I will give him this. He still gives me a kiss before he leaves for work and says I love you. And a kiss at bedtime and ILU.

I cuddled & massaged him a lot this morning and have been looking forward to continuing that tonight with SF as well. But he said he was really, really tired. I am so sad about that. So I am here.

Also, ML or Pep (can't remember which), if you remember my earlier post (it was under DKT originally but I changed my name), my H is a recovering alcoholic (since age 17--24 years). Two affairs were with people from AA--the last 2. He stopped going regularly to meetings several years ago, but still do leads and visited once in a while. Before kids, we went together. Once kids came, he kept doing his thing--working late, AA then it became church committee meetings, business association meetings, and presently a physical exercise. I must admit, I was happy when he quit going to AA regularly. I thought, good, now he'll be home with us. But that was short lived and then he began filling his evenings with other commitments. I don't go to Al Anon (someone asked on my previous post). I attended open AA with him for 4 years while we dated and the first two years we were married. Then the babies came. I liked being home with my kids. I just missed him. I think that really is the bottom line for me, I just have missed him being here with us all these years. He's fun and the kids have a ball with him. I just wish he missed us as much as we miss him. If he did, he would WANT to come home in the evenings more often.

OK, I am rambling at this point and probably no longer making sense. I can feel my emotions really starting to bounce around and I am going all over the place. Time to sign off. Thank you all for your earlier responses.

RH,

Exposure is a good thing. We have to show you the upside to this horror story. Right now, you still have the upper hand.

My H knows I post here. He even posted a few kinda angry stuff before. What he found out is that my support here is greater than his support in the A, so he left me alone.

I challenged him to help me recover as his prime objective. It certainly is a challenge for him but he is trying. In the meantime we have agreed that I post for support and to pay back all the support I received way back when. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So my fears of him reading my stuff is ok because he if questions what I did, I tell him...'yea and what did you expect me to do?' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

DKT, who was the last affair with, when did it end and WHO was it with? Does he EVER see her in any capacity? What about the other affairees?

ML, Thank you for replying.

Here's what he tells me:

Affair #1, 13 years ago, business associate, lasted 2 months

Affair #2, 5 years ago, AA member, lasted 2 months

Affair #3, 6 months ago, AA member, last 1 week

I just don't know if I believe him on this last one. I don't think that he has been with anyone since he told me about the affairs, but I am not sure. The signs are not there, and I've been keeping tabs as best I can. However, I am still doubting the fact that it ended 6 months ago. There have been many signs over the last few months before I asked him about any affairs. That's what led me to ask. And I know that the weekend before I asked, I was out of town with my daughter and he went to a meeting. I asked my son what all they did over that weekend (just a "tell me about your weekend" kind of thing), and he mentioned that dad went to a meeting Friday night. So later I asked my H the same thing and he left the meeting part out. I confronted him and ask him why he lied. He said, because I knew you would just get mad. This conversation was BEFORE I knew about any affairs. So after it all came out, I asked him if he was with someone that night. He says no. He did tell me that he talked in his jeep with a lady for a while. I asked what they discussed...he wouldn't tell me. His jeep is where he confessed that all his "encounters" took place. So I'm supposed to believe that nothing happened that night. He gave me a "day off" for Valentine's Day, sent me to a hotel alone for 24 hours. I thought it was so wonderful of him. But now I look back on it, and I wonder. I know he went to a meeting that night, too. He tells me that he wasn't with anyone then, but I don't believe him. It's all too convenient.

He will not give me names. He says I have never met these women. I am hoping that during counseling these names will come out. I cannot trust him until they do. I feel he is protecting them instead of me. It's not like I want to go do something mean to them. It's not fair to me to not know. I was out last week taking my son for a blood test. All I could do is stare at the ladies there, wondering if maybe they might be someone he was with. Yeah, I know, chances are slim that I would actually run in to them...but it is possible. And they would know who I was because they had all my medical info (husband's name and so on). It about drove me insane!

Orchid,

Thanks for replying. I am hoping one day my H will visit here and begin to really process what it's like for a BS. I just wasn't ready for him to see my private post and had way too much detail about some of my checking up.

DKT, it is dishonest of him to not tell you the truth about who these women are. You have a right to know these facts since they are details about your life. He does not have the right to the privacy to have affairs. It is cruel and harmful to withhold this information because it means he has secrets with the OW to which you are not privy. He can never regain your trust on that basis.

As an AA member, he has an obligation to make amends to you and that comes in the form of being HONEST. By not telling you the truth, he causes you GREAT HARM.

Also, you need to know if he is still in contact with any of these OW. He will have to begin taking EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to affair proof this marriage since he is a serial cheater and avoid any contact for life. This means that all contact with any OW must end and he must STOP activities that leave him vulnerable. This may mean in the future that you attend joint AA/Alanon meetings.

But this is all for naught if he refuses to even take the first step and be honest. There will be no recovery unless that happens.

I will try and find the link for Joseph's letter and post that. I would print it up and give it to him. Don't make any DEMANDS, but simply explain to him that you are willing to stay in this marriage if he is willing to do the things to protect you from harm and work on your marriage. Explain what it will take to recover your marriage.

And lastly, if this MC is not helpful, I would try Steve Harley. He will speak to your H and may be able to get through to him.

Joseph's Letter: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3153654

ML,

These are all things I know. I have always felt that a BS needs to know whatever they desire, and reading here and reading the book Torn Usunder has confirmed that for me. I know that without this, I cannot build any trust and it is ridiculous for him to expect that I can. I also know that if he is working any kind of program, his amends to me should be top priority.

My dilema at this moment is that he is not receptive to talking more about this right now. All he says is he needs to find a counselor to work through his issues and that it's not about me but it's about him. He had a big test he has been focused on for the last two weeks and said he would deal with a counselor once that was behind him (it is now behind him as of this past weekend). I'm not real happy that our marriage took a back seat to this, but it was beyond my control. I am going to be at a loss as to how to handle the situation if he doesn't find a counselor this week. I have asked him if he would like me to find someone for us to go to together. His response was to find someone I like and make an appointment to go myself. Didn't say yes or no to MC--very non-committed on this. I don't know if he just feels like he needs to talk some things out alone before we start in together.

I have my first appointment with my counselor tonight. He doesn't know that yet. I am hoping that after I meet with him, my H may be willing to attend with me. This counselor includes His Needs, Her Needs in his counseling.

I think giving him Joseph's letter right now will aggravate him and cause him to shut off even more. I was thinking that I could give him this week to set up a counselor. Throughout this week continue to try to meet his needs. If no counselor by next week, then it's time to push. What do you think about waiting this week on Joseph's letter? I am thinking that if he has a counselor to discuss it with, they HOPEFULLY will lay it on the line for him to come clean about details.

I am hoping I have more clarity and direction after my counseling appointment tonight.

Thank you so much for investing your time to post.

DKT, I think his going to an IC will actually HARM your marriage, not help it, so I wouldn't hold out hope for that. If I were you, I would be discouraging it.

I would not wait to give him josephs letter. So what if he is aggravated? The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid aggravating an entitled, selfish, self centered man. Alcholics do not respect ppl they can run over or bully. Don't DEMAND, tell him this is what it will take for you to recover and for your marriage to recover. That is the first step in rebuilding trust. Let him know this is what it will take to recover. Without complete honesty and a plan in place to affair proof your marriage THERE IS NO HOPE.

Also, I very much suspect that your H is still in an affair and finding this all out can give you ammunition to kill it. He ACTS LIKE someone who is in an affair. Can you hire a PI?

I have been discouraging the IC. I told him I felt we needed to attend together if we are to ever come together again emotionally. I told him if he works on his stuff and I work on my stuff, we won't be working on putting things back together. His doesn't reply.



This is probably my biggest fear. I know that without his honesty there is no hope, and I am not sure if he will ever be willing to lay it all out there and let me ask whatever I want.

I have my suspicions about him still being in an affair as well. All my snooping is leaving me with nothing though. I am not sure I can pull off a PI, but I will think through it more.

I will not see him until after my appointment tonight. I will post again tonight or tomorrow.

How about putting a GPS on his car? And a voice activated recorder?

Are you checking cell phone bills?

And what will you do if he won't be honest? Because, I can tell you unless he will commit to radical lifestyle changes, you are looking at a LIFETIME of serial cheating.

Are you prepared to live like that? Are you willing to accept a marriage that includes serial cheating and dishonesty?

If you are NOT, then he needs to know that you will not stay in a marriage with serial cheating and dishonesty. Let him know what your boundaries are. I would be saying something like: "I would be willing to stay in this marriage if there was an effective demonstration of REAL CHANGE.." Then go onto tell him what changes need to take place to recover your marriage.

I am so ignorant in these areas. I don't really know anything about that kind of equipment? I will try to do some research. I must admit it turns my stomach to think I have to do this. One of my top needs is honesty and openness. This goes against my grain, yet I know that I must confirm there is no affair.

I have been checking his cell phone history (I realize he could be deleting messages). I search his clothes for clues, search his vehicle.

Here's the real catch. He owns his own business of which I have no part. His cell records and computer history are not available to me. In fact, my cell is through his company, so he has access to mine. He comes and goes at work for appointments. I have no real means of confirming this on my own, except maybe with the equipment you mentioned.

Even if I have a GPS or cell records, I have no way of knowing if these locations/calls are work related. Sometimes he travels to customers' homes and calls customers. (His customers are individuals not businesses.) Perhaps the voice activator. I really need to think this through. I don't know how far I am willing to go. Sorry, that is just an honest statement. I feel like I'm losing my integrity when I think of doing these things. I have been praying that my actions through this would honor God regardless of what my H does.

I'm feeling like I'm swirling in a tornado again.

Integrity comes from adherence to moral and ethical principles. Do you feel that the police are sacrificing their integrity when they spy on drug dealers and catch them, thereby protecting society? Is it moral or ethical to enable wrongdoing by not uncovering it?

ML,

I will consider your words more and check into what I can afford.

I had my first IC session last night. I'm not sure about the counselor. I have three names. The one I really want to go to is about 45 minutes away and is the most expensive. But he comes HIGHLY recommended by a couple who recovered their marriage after infidelity.

After I gave the C some very basic information, he began to talk a lot and analyze my H. He has never seen or talked to my husband. So he started talking anti-social behavior and compulsive lying. Now I won't say that I can rule anything like that out right now, but I was expecting some focus on me and how to proceed from here. I don't feel anything was accomplished last night in the discussion.

Anyone like to share what their first few sessions were like?

Alright. I feel like I am losing it today!!! I need to calm down and figure out what the he!! to do now.

Yesterday, my husband asked about my first IC session. I told him it was weird and that I wasn't sure I would go back to him. I might find someone else. I asked him if he had found someone. He said no he hadn't looked. (When the affairs first came out he was going to find someone as soon as his "big test" was over, which was this past Sat.) He said his head was all messed up today and wasn't sure what he was going to do (Does this mean he isn't going to find a IC). I asked him if he would be interested in going with me for MC (I've asked before and never got a definitive answer). He said, "I don't know, I'm really just not sure what I'm going to do." So I asked, are you thinking about not staying with us. (I probably shouldn't have asked that, right? It's so hard not too) His response was, My head is just crazy today. It was an obvious--"YEAH, I'm thinking about it" answer to me. So the one thing I asked him to do (counseling) he may decide not to do. Although he told me last week he needed to find a counselor and told me he thought it would be wise if I found one, too. WHAT IS GOING ON!!!


Then, last night my H came home hung out w/ kids for awhile and after they were in bed went back to work (9 p.m.) I "checked" on him at work at 9:40 and again at 10:30 (it's close by) just to be sure he was there. He was and there were no other cars. So I thought OK maybe he IS really working. He told me he would be very late. Once in a while he has worked to around 2 a.m. just to catch up (he owns the business).

Sooooo, he gets home at 2 a.m. I have been unable to fall asleep but act like I was. When he crawls in bed, I cuddle up to him. No response. I start "rubbing" him. He stops me and holds my hand. I try again...same response. I smell a slight fragrance on him. Nothing really strong, kind of like the lotion that might be in the bathroom at his business. I go in our bathroom and smell his shirt. Again, a slight smell that doesn't seem familiar (but not the same smell I smelled on him). So I can't sleep the rest of the night. This morning after he leaves for work, I try to find his underwear and it is MISSING!! It is usually on the bath floor or sometimes in his hamper. His shirt from last night is still on the bath floor. When he took his shower this morning, he threw some dry, dirty washcloths on the shirt...like a small pile of dirty clothes. I searched that pile. No underwear.

So I am thinking maybe it has evidence of something from last night. He had a dr. appointment this morning, so I went there and searched his vehicle. Nothing (except some clean tank tops in the back seat, which is kind of odd). I go to his business and search his office (told his secretary I was surprising him with something). I have found no underwear anywhere.

Do I ask him tonight where it is? Do I play dumb.

When he left this morning, I was still in bed. He came over and kissed me (usually always does) and looked into my eyes, lingered tenderly and longer than usual, and said ILY.

I am losing my mind today. I want to believe that he isn't involved with anyone right now. But I realize his behavior and the clues I keep finding, do NOT make that case. I feel like I can handle the past affairs if we work through them, but I don't know if I can hang in there if he is STILL LYING!!!

I have a number for a local PI. I just don't know how to financially swing it. I will call today and at least get an idea of the cost.

I am desparate to hear from you all. I am just freaking out today. I haven't felt this panic since the first week or so, except during our "deep talks".

I really love this man. But I am thinking I might be in love with the role he has played and not the liar, cheater, and deceiver he really is. Is it to his core???

OK, another update. He just called me to check in. Said he didn't get to talk with me much yesterday and was really in "a bad place" when I tried to talk to him. He apologized. Asked about counseling and said when I find someone I am comfortable with he would be willing to see them individually and as a couple. Oh, is there hope?? I have an appointment next Thursday with someone. Hopefully, it will be someone I think we can work with.

I wish I could find the misplaced pair of underwear! I just can't get that out of my mind. Can't really find a reasonable explanation on it, as much as I wish I could.

The first thing you need to aknowledge is the fact that he is having an A. Period. He has ALL the actions of a man in an A. The sooner you aknowledge that, the better. Is it a new A, or a continuation of the old one? Honestly, in his case it doesn’t matter. He has had at least 3 A’s that he will confess to – there have probably been more. Perhaps the occasional ONS that he thinks is “no big deal” so he doesn’t bother to tell you.

I am struggling a little here, with what advice to give you. I feel your pain, your confusion. The whole thing sucks. You did not deserve any of this. You deserve so much better.

Is there hope to recover your M? Yes. There is always hope. Your H could pull himself together and decide to do the right thing. That is always possible. But please keep in mind that the MB program is not about saving all marriages, at all costs. Your H has not suddenly found himself caught up in an A. he was not feeling a little down, a little lonely, and an OW came along and made him feel “alive” again, so he got caught up in an A. He had an A years ago. Realized it was wrong, but did it again. Realized it was wrong, but did it again. And again. Each time, he knew that these women were vulnerable. Recovering AA members looking for a quick fix. So he gave it to them.

And at this point he has openly admitted (I think) that he does not know what “he wants” to do. He will not commit to anything. Not counseling, not your M, not 100% honesty – nothing. Frankly, right now he is having a wife, a home, a family, and a GF. He never has to sleep alone at night, he can come and go as he wishes. There is NO motivation for him to change. I think that his confusion is not about “what he wants” he knows what he wants. He wants it all – loving wife, kids who respect him, cozy home, and numerous women on the side. I have this feeling that your WH thinks he is somehow “helping” these other women. He knows what they are going through –after all, they are all alcoholics just like him. He knows that they are looking for a way to self soothe. He understands them, he has been through it too. So he figures he will just give them what they want – a quickie in the back seat. What harm is in that? Just a quickie. After all, no one is drinking. And these women NEED him. He likely sees himself as a little bit of a stud, and how could he possibly deny them a chance at fulfillment with him. He doesn’t really want to leave you and the kids. He just wants to be available to service these women, and service himself at the same time.

He doesn’t get it. That his acitons are just as hurtful now, as his drinking used to be. Hurtful to you, his wife. The marriage vows specifically say “forsaking all others” for a good reason. Because taking up with another is hurtful to your spouse. So he is hurting you. AND he is hurting these women too, who are lonely, needy. They will settle for his crumbs in the back seat, because they think that is the best they can get. After all, they are alcoholics. They have likely done some things they are not proud of. Their self esteem is shot. So if some guy smiles at them, at an AA meeting, and says “I know how you feel” they are thrilled! There is hope for them! They get into his car to talk, to express their pain, to feel good again. And if he decides to start stroking them while they are in the car, then that must mean he really, really likes them!
Do you see how hurtful that is to these women? It is awful.

Quit worrying about where his underwear are. That is a small part of this picture. the bigger picture here is: What do YOU want? This is not all about him, and what he wants. He does not get to choose your life for you. This is not a competition to see who will win.
He has all ready said that he is not interested in MC. I know that you have a hope that if he would just go to MC there would be hope. The reality is this – just going to the MC will not do anything for you. It is about where his heart and mind are. If he has the heart and mind to do everything it takes to help you heal, and heal your M, then the counseling will work. If he ends up going to say he tried, or just to shut you up, it is not going to help. It is ok to hop that he will go – but don’t hound him about it, because that will not help.

If your first IC was not a good fit for you – try again. You may need to try a couple more until you find the right fit for you. That is Ok. But do it for YOU. Quit worrying about him, and whether he will go with you. Let him see you taking positive steps, moving in the right direction, and healing yourself. He will start to wonder what you are doing – and why he is lagging so far behind you.

Start thinking about what YOU want in YOUR life. He has all ready made several bad choices for you. It is time for you to stick up for yourself now and say: for me, and my children, we will only accept 100% honesty, we deserve to be respected, we deserve to be loved.

WOF5-Thank you for your words. It was kind of what I was expecting to hear.

I just felt so helpless this morning. I know this really is about his heart and where he is going to choose to place it. Without his desire to make our marriage new, I know we cannot make it.

I am encouraged about our phone call today because he agreed to go to the counselor I choose. That gives me a glimmer of hope. I realize that is just one miniscule step toward recovering our marriage, and he will have to be fully open and honest, dedicated to being accountable, and sensitive to what *I* need right now to begin building some trust. I just knew that if he wasn't willing to go to MC with me, he would never be willing to do anything else I just listed above. So my encouragement comes from the belief that if he will at least go to MC, there may be a possibility for his willingness to step up to the plate.

I have decided that I will not stay in this marriage if he is unwilling to do these very basic steps to prove himself dedicated, committed and maybe at some point trustworthy.

I know we have a long road ahead. This morning I felt I would be traveling it alone. Right now, I see the possibility of maybe having him travel it with me.

But, yes, I am skeptical, doubtful, and, well, just plain frightened. But I am strong enough to do whatever I need to do to gain my sanity back--even if that means booting his a** out one day.

I wanted to go back to one of your posts and assure you that everything you are going through right now is perfectly normal. it stinks. but it is normal.



I think that every BS goes through this faze. I really don't have a good explanation for it. but we all go through it. I think part of it is the fear that we may end up alone, so we will do anything to feel connected to our WS. Some type of physical attention that makes us feel desired, connected, maybe even attractive.

Why does your WH turn you away? A lot of things. Guilt. Fear. he probably does think that you are just doing it to "win him back" so he fears that if he "comes back" that this new interst in SF will only be temporary. And frankly, there is some truth in that. No one can keep up the level that you are at right now - the feeling that you wnat it every single night, wild and sweaty. That is a good thing, and you can have that in the future, but not likely every day.

The thing is - if you do reconcile, and he starts back into his old habits of leaving you home alone with the kids while he goes out with friends, you will lose this current level of excitement. That is why your reconciliation has to be two sided - you have to work at it, and so does he. You will need to change some past behaviors, and so will he. If he does not reach the point where he is totally willing to do whatever it takes - then you need to move on without him. Because you BOTH deserve a good M. You are willing to give - he needs to be willing to give. It can not be half hearted - he needs to be 100% on his part. You need to gather your strength, to be able tos ay "I want you back, but only if you are ready to be 100% totally committed to me, the kids, and our M"

Don't have the attitude that you will do ANYTHING to save your M. Build an attitude that you want a great M, and hope it will be with him. If you settle for less than great, you will end up here again.