I have been married for 23 years. A month ago, my two sons confronted their father about having an affair for over a year. He has chosen to leave the home and live with her. In the end his decisions was based on him not wanting to be married to his best friend, but be with someone who he could have sex with and he has no desire for me because I am fat.

We are both alcoholics, sober 20 years, but NOT living a recovery life. Our home life was chaotic to say the least.

Since he has left, I have lost 30 lbs, gone back to AA, got a sponsor, am working the program, our home is calm, I am exercising regularly and finances are starting to look up.

But - he won't come home because he has no desire for me. However the woman he is with lives an unbelievably chaotic life which he says drove him from our house. He also says that he can't come home to our home because he doesn't see it as his home anymore.

I believe with all my heart, my husband is in a mid life crisis and dry drunk. However, this other woman won't let him go and I can't battle her because she is prettier or sexier.

Can this marriage be saved?

Barbara

Maybe.

How much overweight is he? Thirty pounds is great, how much more do you have to go for a size say 10 or 12?

Most folks come here and post right away instead of reading what is available. You need to buy the book Surviving an Affair and read all of Harley's stuff here. Then start reading the various threads, focusing on those that have the most meaning for you.

Who is the OW (Other Woman)? What is the deal?

And remember, it takes time. It takes knowledge. It takes a plan. There is no reset button. There is no instant, shake and bake fix.

Larry

He isn't overweight at all. And I have a long way to go.

The OW is someone that he bumped into in the grocery store. She is 45, has a 30 year old son and two daughters. Her 19 year old daughter has 3 children.

My husband and her are living in a one bedroom apt on the couch in the living room because she is on state disability for some liver problem and to make extra money she is a caregiver to this whacco guy.

Time, like 3 months, 6 months a year?

Barbara

I think anytime a man says he's not attracted to his wife or long-term girlfriend because she got fat, it's usually a lie. Most men are just not that picky. He doesn't want to talk about the real reason, whatever it is. Sometimes it's just that the relationship isn't new anymore.

Aph, huh? That is not a Marriage Builders position. Why are you telling this woman this stuff? She is here seeking Marriage Builders information, so what are you doing?

Many men - and WOMEN - have Physical Attractiveness as a top need and when their spouse puts on weight, it effects their love bank. Many spouses are turned OFF by weight gain. Men, specifically, are visually aroused, so PA ties directly into another top need, sexual fulfillment.

SG, i am sorry you find yourself on this forum, but you will find lots of help here. I would first suggest getting your hands on 2 books and reading them ASAP to bring yourself up to speed: Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can buy them in most book stores or buy them cheap on this website. Reading these books will help you understand some of the stuff we tell you here.

Right now you should be in what we call Plan A. That means you do your best to show him your best side. Treat him respectfully and do not love bust him. Make your home an attractive place to come to and show him how good it could be with you.

The other side of Plan A is the STICK, which is exposing his affair to any key persons, such as parents, friends, etc. This will put pressure on the affair. Don't agree to even discuss divorce and do not cooperate in any seperation or divorce schemes. Don't allow your children to be in the presence of the OW.

I will post Peps outline of Plan A below. Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

edited to add:
What does this mean? why would he call you his "best friend" instead of his wife? What is your sex life like? What has been his attitude about your weight?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

MelodyLane,

Yeah, physical attractiveness is important to many spouses. I'm not saying it's not. But gaining some weight doesn't make someone attractive enough to marry become so unattractive that they lose all appeal. Lack of hygiene can do that. But weight by itself? If it was that big a deal, why are there so many fat women with husbands, boyfriends and sometimes with husbands and boyfriends? Has it ever occured to you that this guy is just using her weight as an excuse for his affair?

aph, yes weight gain is a common problem in many marriages. I have posted a message to you about this on your own thread, please read it.

I think anytime a man says he's not attracted to his wife or long-term girlfriend because she got fat, it's usually a lie.

Oh no it isn't. It's usually true.

Skinsgal, don't sweat anything your husband says. This OW is obviously a train wreck. If you really want to stay married to the dude, you'd better hurry and finish getting your house in order, 'cause this affair might be over before you finish the laundry.

GC

Well his choices sound wacky. Even if the OW looked like a model, sleeping on a couch vs a home? He's lost it.

Expect the OW to want him for some of YOUR $$.

Go secure your finances ASAP. Continue working on yourself and get a good plan A down as Mel suggested. Read those books and get to a good MC familiar w/MB concepts. Better yet, schedule a phone counseling session with Steve H @ MB.

How are your children? What happened with their confrontation with their dad? Make sure they get help also. Make them a part of your support group and you be a part of theirs.

L.

bump for skinsgal